Lied to me for six months

[Mending Heart]

So my LDR boyfriend and I of a few years were working on rebuilding our relationship and he told me previously when we first started talking again that he wanted to be 100% honest from now on since he kept issues from me before. After we sorted through most everything he told me that for the last six months he's been texting with a couple newer female friends from earlier this year when he originally told me he only texted them for directions. We had an agreement about not texting the opposite sex because I was uncomfortable with it and with the one female friend who was rude to me. He said he kept it from me because he didn't want me to flip out or worry, but that he realizes not telling me was worse, and all the stuff about being incredibly sorry and should of told me before and not lying again and wanting to move forward. I feel extremely hurt and betrayed and confused. Like thinking about all that time and all the times we were together and how he had been lying to me that whole time, and how he could of kept something from me for that long, and how he expects me to feel comfortable with him texting them after going about it that way. After everything we've been through, I was really happy to have this chance, but now that he told me this I don't know what to feel or to think. It doesn't feel fair, like what he did stops me from wanting to move forward with him but I love him so much and want to move forward with him. And then how do I regain trust? How do I not drive myself crazy thinking about him texting the one female friend I was uncomfortable with? The other one I'm more so fine with and am just upset that he lied, but this one while he says he doesn't like her, I have this list of inappropriate stuff. Like he joked about having a poster of her, he was messaging her privately on FB which was mostly just for school but he also chatted and used a wink face, which he said he didn't mean flirty. He told her I was the jealous type, he defended her when she was mean to me when I was nothing but nice to her, even when she was being mean. And to this day he still says he just doesn't see it as being part of her personality to be that way because she's nice otherwise, which while he says he believes me he never stuck up for me and even suggested that maybe she acted that way because I gave her bad vibes! And he told me that he told her about our relationship issues, among other friends, but still he shouldn't have told her knowing how uncomfortable I was with her. And back when our relationship got bad he lied to me saying he liked her to push me away so I'd break up with him.

So now knowing that he lied for six months about texting her.... it's hard. He says she's just a friend and to put her on the same pedestal as his other friends and that's where she'll stay, and that he texted her the same as his other friends, but after everything that's not the easiest thing to do, and he shouldn't of done all those things if he wanted me to feel comfortable with her and see her as any other friend.

And then I drive myself crazy thinking how often do they text? Who texts first? Why does he need to text her if he sees her all week at his university and he already talks to her on FB?

[faraday]

paragraphs?

[Mending Heart]

I'm sorry. lol I blame it on my emotions and my cold. And dang the allotted edit time expired!

[margoriemay]

He texts her as they have a connection. Doesn't mean it is a love connection. He obviously enjoys her company, which can be hard to face, but ultimately he's dating you. It's you he wants as his GF not this "friend". they and relax a little and concentrate on the fun you two have together. BUT, this is just my opinion and my relationship is far from perfect!

[mhowe]

Since you guys are long distance and all he can so with you is text...I cannot see why he needs more and newer female friends.

 

Time to quit trying to fix this and accept that long distance won't work for you guys. Find someone more geographically desirable who can give you the comfort and attention you seek.

[Mending Heart]

Yeah, I think that's what it is that it's hard to face, and especially with someone whom all that happened with, like it's more than normal and that's where my trouble stems from.

It's hard because while he understands and is sorry, he can also be rather defensive and just wants me to see her as a friend and not a threat, but I feel like he doesn't quite get how that is a difficult process for me after what happened and how I'm going to feel uncomfortable after all that.

But I do want to feel okay because he's with me and chooses me as you say, and I try to self -soothe with thinking that, but then too it does feel unfair like he did all that and now just wants me to feel comfortable with her. Ugh! lol

 

He texts her as they have a connection. Doesn't mean it is a love connection. He obviously enjoys her company, which can be hard to face, but ultimately he's dating you. It's you he wants as his GF not this "friend". they and relax a little and concentrate on the fun you two have together. BUT, this is just my opinion and my relationship is far from perfect!

[Mending Heart]

You bring up a good point, and it's been really hard thinking about these kinds of things, but I think I'd like to at least see how it pans out since he seems to be determined to make amends and move forward.

Though I know if I stay by choice I shouldn't be complaining! I think it's just me more so processing and feeling distraught with him acting loyal and like I'm the one he wants but then having done all that and wanting me to be okay with this friend.

Since you guys are long distance and all he can so with you is text...I cannot see why he needs more and newer female friends.

 

Time to quit trying to fix this and accept that long distance won't work for you guys. Find someone more geographically desirable who can give you the comfort and attention you seek.