How to nicely reject sex if you're preoccupied?

[Unreasonable]

Sometimes lately, maybe once a month or so, it takes too much effort for me to get aroused to be worth it. At least on her end. Usually I am preoccupied thinking about work or some other stressor, and then I get caught up in performance anxiety because it is not going smoothly.

 

I'm 42, and am considering getting viagra. I've heard it does not make you sexually aroused though, so I'm worried about taking it and failing (although I must have been able to overcome this as a young buck because this was not a problem before).

 

Will it help? If not, how do I get accross that I am not in the state of mind to have sex without hurting feelings?

[Moontiger]

IF your toopreoccupided for full on sex could you do other things to fullfill her needs?

[Unreasonable]

Sure. But when this happens she thinks I'm not attracted to her.

[ThatwasThen]

Why are you too preoccupied to schtuup a willing, and I'll assume, attractive woman? That is the question that needs answering... not how you go about telling her "not tonite dear, I have a headache."

 

Have you been to the doctor to get your testosterone levels checked out via blood work and to have your prostate checked out to make sure there is no abnormalities going on there? That should be your first step.

[offplanet]

I think it's reasonable that you should be able to have a night off once a month for the reasons you gave, without your wife feeling bad, especially in your forties. She should be able to understand that. Being pressured to have sex would only make it worse, anyway, which would be bad for her in the long run.

[John John]

Sometimes I think that women expect that men are just 24/7 sex machines...but on THEIR own terms! lol. Dude, I was in my late 20s and experienced what you are experiencing. Trying to balance work, a part-time MBA program, a sick parent, a relationship, friends...definitely not easy! And there were plenty of times when I wanted it and she didn't...but I digress...

 

I see no harm in you potentially dabbling in viagra, but do you workout? I know that since I've been working out pretty regularly the last 2 years my libido has increased a LOT (and it was never really low to begin with). I'm always horny.

[itsallgrand]

Sure. But when this happens she thinks I'm not attracted to her.

 

What does she do?

 

It's not something you can talk about?

 

I think it is ok to decline once in a while. Yes, even a man!

 

Or you could opt for some lazy, sexy time. Nothing wrong with that either.

 

I don't think you should turn to the Viagra when this is really a stress and communication thing. She's your partner; it's worth working out and talking through IMO.

[m444]

I think it-s really natural and even healthy, not wanting and refusing sex from time to time.

 

in long term relationships especially. I think that you shouldn't reach for viagra and medical research, and instead gently say to your girl that you're sorry but you really not in the mood and that it isn-t connected to her. communicate.

[Unreasonable]

Thanks. I do think getting her off regardless is a great idea and maybe that will help get my mind off my troubles enough to get aroused. I am 95% sure this is mostly psychological.

 

We've agreed to get my testosterone checked out but my wife is concerned about me going on testosterone meds because I have some health issues that could cause risk. I'll get a physical too for prostate.

 

Great idea on working out to get my testosterone up naturally.

[ThatwasThen]

I think it-s really natural and even healthy, not wanting and refusing sex from time to time.

 

in long term relationships especially. I think that you shouldn't reach for viagra and medical research, and instead gently say to your girl that you're sorry but you really not in the mood and that it isn-t connected to her. communicate.

Sure, why not. Men leave women all the time for not being in the mood once in a while. Should be goose/gander friendly, I guess.

 

OP: Are you only wanting to have sex once a month and sometimes turning it down or are you doing it often during the month and just once a month or so you're not in the mood?