Dumped for someone else after 4 years, moved to another country for her, help

[ship]

Thanks for your replies. Some days are worse, some days are better, but I'm hanging on. Yesterday, I dated a girl for the first time. I must say that though I had a good time full of laughter, she is very intelligent and I felt us very comfortable, I felt empty in the end. Maybe I'm not ready yet to do that kind of stuff. I found myself comparing this girl to my ex in every sense, and for me my ex is still unbeatable in most aspects (personality, tastes, conversations, confidence, beauty, damn even in the way of walking). My brain knows I should't be doing that, but I just seem to ignore it.

I know I should give myself more time, but yesterday, while being with the other girl, I didn't think for a single second about my ex. That's good for a change, right? I'm afraid I will start to use dates as a dristraction from my situation, and that in the end I will just feel emptier than before, and without the disposition to date anyone else.

[Man with Dog]

But there were enough positives from the date to ask her for another one. Give it a go!

[saluk]

You are getting better, even when you don't feel it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep trying to find things other than her to think about and focus on, you have to redirect your life, which is hard when you are a powerful, fast moving ship (the kind who would relocate for the person he loved!) who has been going in one direction for so long. Imagine a ships wheel. You turn the wheel, but the ship moves slowly. You can't feel it turning because it takes a lot longer than turning the wheel does. But that doesn't mean it is not turning.

 

Making changes is important. The bigger the change, the faster things will recover I think. For instance, moving somewhere else in your location will give you a new experience with less attachment. Moving back home or to a different city entirely will have much less attachment.

 

"Some days are worse, some days are better"

 

Hurray! Here is evidence that the ship is turning. If you can have some days that are better, as time goes on you can have even more of those. Until eventually most/all of the days are better. And the reasons the worse days are worse have to do with your current life and nothing to do with the one that you left behind.

 

More recommendation for thought stopping. It doesn't happen overnight but it's one of the things that showed the most progress in my recovery. I believe in prayer, so whenever I would have a thought "I miss X so much", I would pray for God to take care of whatever was worrying me "God thank you for the time I had with that person, help us each to be happy even though we have parted". Once I had given it to him, it wasn't something I had to think about anymore. Before long, most of the time I thought of my ex, I would only feel sad for a few minutes, and then be able to move on with my day. If you do not believe in God similar mental exercises I think would still be very helpful, but you have to keep at it. It's like forming a new habit, a new way of thinking. It takes many many days to form or break habits.

 

If you are still comparing every woman to your ex you are probably still too early to seriously date. But it's good to face that situation so you can see how you are doing, and what you need to work on. Your ex is not as great as you remember. Try and remember that. Break-ups blow everything into really weird proportions. The best parts get even better, the worst parts get worse. Sometimes we even make the worst parts out to be good things. It can get confusing, although I'm sure you know that. Just remember that your memoty is fickle, and your perception, especially when it comes to women, is a bit skewed right now.

[ship]

I just wanted to tell you guys that I bought plane tickets to visit my family for christmas and new years. In total it will be just 20 days, but are very critical ones (christmas, new year). Needless to say it was really expensive for me right now, but I think it's worth the effort, because staying here alone during that time would be incrediby bad.

 

You are getting better, even when you don't feel it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep trying to find things other than her to think about and focus on, you have to redirect your life, which is hard when you are a powerful, fast moving ship (the kind who would relocate for the person he loved!) who has been going in one direction for so long. Imagine a ships wheel. You turn the wheel, but the ship moves slowly. You can't feel it turning because it takes a lot longer than turning the wheel does. But that doesn't mean it is not turning.

 

I like your metaphor and your words of optimism, thank you. Coming to this forum every morning and night just to read your answers and other people's problems/solutions have been a really good teraphy.

 

I have been practising thought stopping, although I still can't manage to do it right. Is there something like "dream stopping"? It's not a serious question, of course, but that would be useful haha.