NC rule

[Uthman]

I was just wondering where the NC rule comes from. I talked to my Godmother who is 70 and she stated that no such thing existed in her day and sees it as a rather cruel aspect of modern culture.

 

My ex did it to me after claiming we could still talk. It feels more like a betrayal.

[BentGattling]

NC is a rule one imposes on themselves to prevent further self-harm. It has nothing to do with the other person. In your Godmother's day it was probably called "moving on."

[Tinkie9901]

With the internet, mobile phones, social media, it is a lot harder to escape thinking about someone these days. The NC rule enables people to create a safe bubble where they can reduce reminders of the other person. In your grandmother's day that space didn't need to be artificially created.

[bamboobam]

With the internet, mobile phones, social media, it is a lot harder to escape thinking about someone these days. The NC rule enables people to create a safe bubble where they can reduce reminders of the other person. In your grandmother's day that space didn't need to be artificially created.

 

Basically this. No contact away from those things helps the healing process, especially if you communicated with the person you were with in that way.

[browneyedgirl36]

I always find it interesting when someone refers to it as the NC "rule." "NC" isn't really any sort of rule, or concept, or anything other than staying out of contact with someone after a breakup/end of some other relationship in order to be able to heal and move forward. It's nothing new, for sure. As another poster pointed out, it was probably just referred to in the old days as "moving on" or "starting over" or...simply, "never talking to that person again." I think people just make a bigger point of talking about it today because there are SO many ways to keep in contact with people that it's much harder to heal and move forward because exes are everywhere!

 

Is it cruel? I suppose someone could perceive it that way, but...I look at it this way: If someone has broken up with me, for whatever reasons, then that person is making it clear he doesn't want me to be a part of his life, so why should I be? Shouldn't I be allowed to move on with my life? Sure, he may still want me as a "friend," but isn't that a bit selfish? It's like saying, "I don't want to be with you anymore, but...I still like you and want you to be my friend even though I know you still have feelings for me and this is painful for you...but...my feelings are more important than yours, so I expect you to stay in contact with me." Conversely, if I'm the one doing the break-up, I probably have reasons for it, and again, don't people have the right to move forward with their lives? Sometimes, keeping in contact with someone after breaking up with them just gives that person a lot of false hope for future reconciliation. Often, it prolongs the agony and pain of the breakup, particularly when one party (usually the dumper) moves on to a new relationship with someone else.

 

NC isn't meant to be any sort of punishment. It's meant to get some distance in order to promote healing. I have a hard time calling that "cruel." It may seem like it from the perspective of the person who's on the receiving end of it, but....in almost all cases, it ends up being for the best.

 

Also: NC doesn't necessarily have to be forever. Sometimes, down the road, people CAN be friends once the feelings have dissipated and both parties have moved on. It isn't a death sentence or anything. An ex of mine (I broke up with him) tried remaining friends with me (his choice) for a few years after the breakup. Eventually, he disappeared, and it was TWELVE years before I heard from him again. Though I missed him as a friend, I understood why he needed to cut me off -- he needed to move on. When he got back in touch all those years later, he told me that he had to disappear for awhile to be able to move on, and I totally understood. He found someone new, got married, and he's happy now. We correspond via e-mail every so often still, as friends.

[lymphocyte]

No contact is also a personal choice. Some people can stay in contact after a break up and move on just fine.

 

But other people can't, and they really need that distance to help them get through.

[trust101]

The 5 stages of grief, or the Kubler-Ross model, was first introduced in 1969.

 

Losing someone, albeit through relationship or death, adheres to this model as the person left behind is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may continue to call the former partner even though that person wants to be left alone. Instead they may deny their feelings and not admit that they are upset about it at all. No contact helps surpass the first stage, denial, as objects or contact hinder this process of moving onto the other stages.

 

 

Your godmother may have been married by then & maybe had not experience a divorce, etc.

[Uthman]

I just expect a certain loyalty from people that I allow into my life. Even if it is decided that we are not good together in a romantic way we still shared something very important that demands loyalty. I see the complete cutting of someone off as an act of betrayal. I don't know if it just a cultural thing.

[Clinton]

I just expect a certain loyalty from people that I allow into my life. Even if it is decided that we are not good together in a romantic way we still shared something very important that demands loyalty. I see the complete cutting of someone off as an act of betrayal. I don't know if it just a cultural thing.

 

Why would you expect loyalty from someone you've dumped? You've basically done one of the most hurtful things possible to another human being and yet you expect them to stay loyal??

 

Who cares what you've shared up until that point, all bets are off after that.

 

I'm not sure what culture you are referring to, but I've traveled fairly extensively and people remaining friends after an acrimonious breakup is rare every where I've been.

[mhowe]

I just expect a certain loyalty from people that I allow into my life. Even if it is decided that we are not good together in a romantic way we still shared something very important that demands loyalty. I see the complete cutting of someone off as an act of betrayal. I don't know if it just a cultural thing.

 

 

There is no such thing as "demanding" loyalty ---- same thing with trust. You don't demand it, you earn it.

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh, goodness -- this is an "American" thing now? Please, please don't turn this into an attack on a culture.

 

I explained my reasons, rather exhaustively, why NC is needed in a lot of cases -- why it's helpful, how it promotes healing. People can think of it as "cruel" if they'd like. I've been on the receiving end of it, and yes, it hurt, but I realized the necessity of it. I have also had to be the one not contacting someone ever again -- even someone I really cared about -- because it was just too painful to keep in contact, and I would never have moved on and gotten over things if I hadn't. There was no malicious intent in that, no lack of loyalty or integrity on my part.

 

The fact is, we will meet MANY people over the course of our lives. Some will stay for a short while and leave. Others will stay for a long while and leave. Others -- and this set is a smaller one -- will stay until they (or we) die. People leave our lives; it doesn't mean disrespect or a lack of integrity. All things in life run their course, eventually, and end -- including life itself. Change is part of what it means to be alive.

[browneyedgirl36]

Why would you expect loyalty from someone you've dumped? You've basically done one of the most hurtful things possible to another human being and yet you expect them to stay loyal??

 

Who cares what you've shared up until that point, all bets are off after that.

 

I'm not sure what culture you are referring to, but I've traveled fairly extensively and people remaining friends after an acrimonious breakup is rare every where I've been.

 

I think they're referring to Americans. At least that's what I've inferred. And yes, pretty much everywhere I've been, it's the same, too -- not just in one specific culture.

 

I will be frank and add something else: When my last ex and I ended things -- well, he ended it, really -- we both had expectations of remaining "friends." Well, his idea of what that meant was VERY different than mine; he thinks of it as talking to me every so often at work, exchanging pleasantries. I wanted to maintain contact outside of work -- at least texts here and there -- at times. I wanted to know that he still cared for me, that he still thought of me -- that he cared about stuff that happened in my life. I wanted a birthday card on my birthday, maybe even to grab a cup of coffee every once in awhile -- not because I hoped to get him back, but because I really wanted him as a friend, and that's what friends do. When that didn't happen, I was crushed. I thought of him as uncaring, and disloyal, and all that -- I was so hurt, and I carried that hurt around for a long time. It took awhile, but I finally realized: He wasn't my significant other anymore, and he wasn't ever going to be again, and that what he was doing was not meant to hurt me, he was just moving on with life, which was exactly what I needed to do. It wasn't about abandoning me -- our relationship was over, and he was doing what anyone should do when a relationship ends -- getting on with his life. Once I accepted that, I was able to do it too. Now, I don't think of him as being disloyal or uncaring -- just human.

[mhowe]

I just expect a certain loyalty from people that I allow into my life. Even if it is decided that we are not good together in a romantic way we still shared something very important that demands loyalty. I see the complete cutting of someone off as an act of betrayal. I don't know if it just a cultural thing.

 

What is the penalty for an act of betrayal in your culture?

[sky09]

Oh, goodness -- this is an "American" thing now? Please, please don't turn this into an attack on a culture.

 

Was not an attack, just an observation. My response had nothing to do with what NC is, rather how people behave.