I'm afraid to tell my parents

[adidas7fire]

Here's the situation: my boyfriend and I have talked about moving in together and we are both down for the idea. However, I am afraid to tell my parents that we plan to do this... only because I know they will be disappointed with my decision. My mom comes from a culture (Thai) where they follow tradition to the last bit... and she believes that a couple should be married before anything of the such takes place. However, this is my life and I want to be able to make my own decisions and make myself happy. I am 23 years old now and it wasn't until about 3 months ago where I was finally able to move out of their house without being given the "you should being doing this and that" speech. I just want them to be happy with who I am and respect the decisions I make. I know that my dad will be understanding once I explain the perks of moving in together but it's my mom that I know I am going to have a tough time trying to see my point of view. It's already hard enough being an only child.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how I can come accross this issue in a timely and fashionable manner without my parents jumping to conclusions? I would greatly appreciate any comments. Thank you!

[RayKay]

Well, yesterday I just went through having to tell my own mother that I was moving in with my boyfriend (of two months) in the very near future (next month)...was I ever terrified and nervous! But actually it went incredibly well...she had her concerns, but trusts me and me knowing it is right, and I explained to her we had discussed ALL angles (financial, division of labour, our reasons, positive consequences and negative) and she was very receptive and actually was happy I had found someone I feel this way about. Also, I have lived on my own for about 3 or 4 years now, and I think that experience was very important before I lived WITH someone. I also think that anyone I live with should also have been on their own as well.

 

Now for your case there are some differences obviously. My own mother does not mind if I move in with someone before marriage, and in fact thinks it is important to do that....BUT (and this I agree with most definitely) you both do have to have a shared idea of what living together means in terms of the future...are you going to just live together permanently and see how it works out? Or are there PLANS to marry? That can often split couples up as one is fine living together forever, one isn't (I know for me, I want to have my children IN a marriage, so living together forever is not an option for me and a family). What about living on your own together longer? Has he lived on his own?

 

Breaking up if you live together is FAR harder than if you don't...and while you may not be technically married, you are common-law, and it can be just as difficult as breaking up a marriage.

 

If you feel this is right, then I think you ought to just approach your mom with confidence about your decision and let her know you and your boyfriend are discussing it. But PLEASE, and I cannot emphasize this enough, make SURE you two are prepared for all the "less cozy" aspects of living together too and not just doing it as it is romantic, nor are you doing it just to save money. Make sure there is true commitment and communication on both your parts on your expectations and beliefs about what it means (everything from budget, to cleanliness, to how you are going to spend your time ie will one be upset if you are not spending every night together?).

 

It will be tough to tell them, but I recommend taking them to a nice, public place for lunch/dinner and bringing it up then (I met my own for lunch). It is a bit nerve wracking I know (for you due to tradition, for myself due to the short amount of time my sweetie and I have been together) but I was so happy I DID tell my mom first and let her know, and was sooooo happy with her reaction and relieved. She was a gem!

[Yorkrose23]

I know how you feel. I was terrified of telling my folks that I was moving in with my bf. You spoke very eloquently in your post.

Here's my two cents:

Tell you're mom just what you said in the post. That you are an adult now and while you love her and respect her, it is your decision to make.

Reassure her that she raised you well, and that you know what you are doing. And tell her how much it would mean to you to have her support and love.

I would explain the perks to her as well as to dad. As far as the negatives go, every decision in life has some negative consequences attached.

But as an adult, you learn to deal with them.

My mom had always been a firm believer in not living with someone before you're married. But when the time came for me to live on my own, she was actually supportive of my decision to live with my bf.

Just be honest and mature and also keep in mind, they worry because they care. Good luck!

[Beec]

Until you tell them how solid are your plans? Maybe not very.

 

Anyway, I think your parents may be upset or angered, but I also think they probably love you. So, if they get mad, it probably won't last.

 

Otherwise, I like RayKay's comments.

[adidas7fire]

OMG! You guys had some very good aspects and perspectives on the matter and I greatly appreciate your inputs. In my heart I know that I would be making the right choice. Yes, even though we have been a "couple" for only about 4 months, we have known each other for over a year. I know that this is the guy I want to marry and yes, that has been brought up as well but we plan to continue with that issue after he graduates college shortly.

 

I have also asked some of my closest friends and of course I expected opposite opinions. One of my friends says I shouldn't do it because it's too soon in the relationship yet another one says to do what I feel is right since we only live once. Ugh, decisions decisions.

 

I know that no one can tell me what I should do -- only offer advice on what the pros and cons are, and I thank all of you.

[RayKay]

You're welcome...and I really think that if you truly feel it is right, then by all means go for it. Before I met my boyfriend, I was always convinced one should date someone at least a year before moving in together - generally if someone I knew moved in before that I would be one of those saying it is too soon. I have never lived with a boyfriend before though had some long term relationships....but with this relationship it is incredibly right and I KNEW very early on this was a very very big deal in terms of my long term future . I know this is the one I want to be with...and when something is right it just is. Living together is a big reality and a big responsibility but when you are thinking forever, you can learn so much.

 

I too had opposing reactions from friends (and some of them surprised me with their support!) but in the end it is OUR choice, and only WE know what is right for us....so good luck to both of you!