he gave up, just like that

[burningred]

i thought he was the one. caring, selfless, thoughtful, honest. he was all for me. we were together for 1.5 years and our relationship was over all a happy one.

 

heading towards the break up, he became cold. he acted distant and i later found out he met up with his longtime crush he considered his first love.

 

we had arguments, and he said he is tired of me always on the receiving end of our relationship. he said he isnt happy anymore and wants to end it. i was devastated, i asked him to reconsider but he didnt. so i gave him his space.

 

2 weeks NC, he texted me. trying to explain what happened. i responded with anger, of course how would he expect me to respond? 4 days later, i kinda miss him so i reached out. but then, he seemed so distant again. over 6 times i tried initiate contact but i ended up being hurt for his lack of interest.

 

one time we met up, for the supposed closure. he was crying all the time, kept saying sorry. and i thought he still loved me, felt his resentment. i gave him a letter.

 

he then texted me the following day saying every word in the letter was precise. and he reads it everyday.

 

it kept my hopes up so i reached out again. he was again very cold and distant. he didnt respond to my messages and didnt pick up my calls. i think i misread his tears, it was most likely of guilt. so i told him that if he doesnt want me anymore, he should tell me once and for all so i would never, ever bother him ever again. he responded saying sorry, i was furious. i said just say it, he turns around the bush again and again. i told him, dont hang me just say it. so he said it, told me he doesnt love me anymore.

 

so yeah, after that. i backed off. terrible, terrible times. have so many questions but i guess i just have to accept that its over. and i am not in control of his life. its his own. im hurt and i gave up thinking about what he couldve been thinking.

[burningred]

i thought i knew you...

[csdude55]

I am a man that recently broke up with his LTR after 20 years. I feel like I might be able to relate to your husband, at least to some degree.

 

I can tell you that I had not loved my GF for at least 12 years, but was more or less faking it. We were best friends, and I felt undesirable and unlovable, so I had no reason to leave. I figured that this was the best I could do.

 

Then, one day, I did fall in love with another woman. I wasn't looking for it, and didn't even want it... but it happened. This was an emotional connection, not physical, but incredibly strong. This made me realize that there was more potential to life than being in a loveless relationship.

 

After leaving my LTR, though, I feel extremely guilty. I don't want her back, and I don't love her more now than I did before, but I feel like the worst person on earth for having left her after all these years. I feel like I've ruined her life, and now she has nothing... and it's all my fault. She thinks that I'm going through a phase, or maybe a mid-life crisis, and it's so hard for me to look her in the eyes and say, "no, the last 12 years have been a lie and a waste".

 

And like I said, she was my best friend for 20 years, so I feel like a dog for hurting my best friend. I debate every day on whether to take her back and just finish what's left of my useless life in a loveless relationship.

 

I can't really speak for your husband, but I wish that my ex would realize that when I'm crying and sorrowful, it's because I feel so guilty for hurting her. But I really don't want her back.

[burningred]

thanks for your insight csdude. he wasnt my husband, he was a bf.

 

whether it was love or not, it doesnt matter. it wasnt meant to be and i just console myself by being glad it was over sooner than later.

 

you never should have stayed that long in your relationship if you knew all along that there was no love on your end. you wasted her chances of meeting someone when she was tied to your "loveless" relationship. i feel so strongly for this, i hope you understand. i feel extremely hurt for my 1 year relationship, i cant imagine 12 f*ing years being lead on.

 

but yes, that's life.

[csdude55]

I completely agree, Red, which is why I feel so tremendously guilty. I wish that everything was just black and white, but it's not.

 

I know that 12 years ago, I went to a message board like this one and asked for advice. There were mixed reviews; many said to break up, many said to stick it out. I didn't want to throw away 8 years, and breaking up wasn't easy financially, so I chose to stick it out.

 

After that, I went in to a sort of complacent / resolved / depressed era where I just accepted that this was the best I could ever hope for. I've come to realize that there's no clear consensus on what love is, and I convinced myself that what I felt was what normal people called "love". I just expected too much out of life.

 

It was only when I fell for someone else that I truly realized that love was something completely different.

 

I would give anything to go back in time and tell myself 12 years ago how things would pan out. There's no doubt that things would have been better for both of us if I'd left way back then. But like you said, that's life.

[burningred]

The most hurtful part is that he left me just when i needed him most. He caught me off guard, led me to believe it was real but apparently it was just another relationship for him.

 

It left me bitter because i was peacefully happy before he came. I trusted him and then all of a sudden he leaves. It almost seemed like what he had meant absolutely nothing. And there he goes, happy. And me, miserable. Sometimes life is like a big joke.

[csdude55]

FWIW, I sincerely doubt that it meant nothing to him, or that it was "just another relationship". After a period of time, though, after the lust and excitement have worn off, it's not uncommon for one or both parties to step back emotionally and really analyze the relationship. If they don't see a future, it's better to move on.

 

I know this won't really help right now, but eventually, try to be grateful that he left now instead of waiting 12+ years. If he didn't love you, then you were really just wasting your time and heart on him, anyway. Have faith that there's someone out there that's better for you, and that will love you back just as much as you love(d) him.

[Brokenhart84]

It will take time but you will get through this. People do fall out of love...some people don't even know what they are feeling. Even if he loved you, that doesn't mean the relationship would have worked out. There are so many other factors.

 

The best thing you could do is stick to no contact and focus on yourself.

[burningred]

i tell myself to be grateful it was over then than later. its just that life had been hard since he left. i guess i really need the best friend i had in him. life is tough, i think im more likely to break than make it.

 

this thread is an everyday reminder that he chose to leave and he stopped loving me. i was caught up in this situation where nothing seems right and im in my loneliest state ever. thanks ENA.

[burningred]

A friend finally opened up to me about what you had been doing behind my back. I could never forgive you.

[Denguin]

I wasn't around for when you were going through this.

 

 

How are you holding up these days? Sounds like you've just suffered a bit of a set back.

[burningred]

Hello denguin.

 

Yes, i found out yesterday from a friend that my ex had been close to a girl even when we were still in a relationship. When we broke up, they were inseparable. All along i thought it was the first love, only to find out it was another girl. I feel betrayed. Im so angry right now.

[FirstIn]

Dear Burningred. When I read the posts of people like you it reminds me that people think like me. They love people and never think of leaving them and put their whole self in. Some people think of relationships as expendable things that come and go. Please do not let this relationship define your outlook on life.

[burningred]

Thanks @firstln. Im not always like this though, but right now since yesterday i have been crying like its only yesterday when he broke up with me. Some days are just tough especially holidays.

[Denguin]

What you're going through is natural. You've had your scars picked at, and had salt thrown in the old wounds. Of course it hurts, and you're allowed to feel that way. Let it all out.

 

I'm sorry you found this out... Although I question why your friend would've told you such a thing.

 

I'm assuming you went no contact with this ex. Did you notice yourself getting better at all during that period?

[burningred]

I have been in no contact since november. I did feel better, but life in general is so tough and it makes me feel alone at times. No one really supports me like he did.

 

I even told my friend that she should've told me beforehand of what she knew. I would rather feel the pain all at once. It seems like im being dragged back to day one.

 

Isnt it unfair? He was the one who did me wrong, he cheated, he threw me away like a garbage, he doesnt even care if im dead or alive yet there he is, happy. While i am miserable.

[Denguin]

I have been in no contact since november. I did feel better, but life in general is so tough and it makes me feel alone at times. No one really supports me like he did.

 

I even told my friend that she should've told me beforehand of what she knew. I would rather feel the pain all at once. It seems like im being dragged back to day one.

 

Isnt it unfair? He was the one who did me wrong, he cheated, he threw me away like a garbage, he doesnt even care if im dead or alive yet there he is, happy. While i am miserable.

 

You did feel better. I know it's a painful realization to make right now, but just know that you WILL get back to that stage.

 

Life is unfair. I think a lot of people on this board have come to that realization. But I wouldn't say he doesn't care if you're dead or alive. I'm sure he feels so guilty about what he's done to you, and he'll have to live with that forever. That's probably why he cried when you two parted ways. I had someone cheat on me, and almost a year later they told me they were still feeling guilty over it. That was a satisfying message to read, let me tell you.

 

There is someone out there waiting for you, who will be worth your time and treat you with the respect you deserve. I promise you that. I don't think we can ever replace someone who was everything to you, but we can do our best. If you ever feel like you've got no where to turn, we're here waiting to keep you on your feet.

[burningred]

I doubt if he ever feels guilty coz he has been doing that since God knows when. He told me about his past gfs and he pretty much did the same thing to all of them too. And worse, he kiss and tell to his friends. He has turned himself into someone i barely know.

[csdude55]

Isnt it unfair? He was the one who did me wrong, he cheated, he threw me away like a garbage, he doesnt even care if im dead or alive yet there he is, happy. While i am miserable.

 

A wise person once told me, happiness is a choice. And no one can make you miserable without your permission.

 

It sounds like he has moved on, so you have to ask yourself, what do you hope to gain by hanging on? It's been 5 months now, almost 1/3 of your entire relationship. It doesn't even sound like he's really the type of man you'd really want back, so you're not doing yourself any favors here.

[burningred]

I wish it was that easy, to be happy when you choose to be happy. I wish us didnt happen at all.

[burningred]

Wish i never met you

[FirstIn]

How are you doing? It looks like you are in the hating the world stage. Probably drifting between hate and nostalgia.

 

Sometimes it even hurts to forget about it because then you remember it all again.

[burningred]

I hate it when i cant get over it. I thought he truly loved me... Only to find out that he got over our relationship as long as it ended. It hurts.