want my ex back! but confused... help please

[clodhopper]

Hi, I've posted about my situation a lot on this site... so I won't go into the background of my relationship with my ex or the breakup or anything - I guess you can ask if you have specific questions (that would be easier, thanks!!)

 

Anyway we broke up when we were in different cities last semester. I was in one place doing school, he was in another doing co-op - however he's back in the same city as me this semester doing classes again. We talked today about how our first classes went, etc, just chitchat.

 

The thing is -- I want him back. I want to tell him my feelings, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do because he was the one who broke up with me...

 

I've realized a lot since the breakup back in September, and I've made some changes to myself, and have also promised myself to make other changes specifically in my next relationship. The thing is, I want a second chance with him to show him what I have realized and how I have changed for the better. I didn't want to change just for him, but I realized that I made some mistakes that I needed to fix for any future relationship.

 

I haven't seen him since I've been back (I flew in last night). As I said, we spoke today shortly on MSN about how our classes went, etc. We will talk chitchat whenever one of us writes the other - we always reply to each other, unless we're really busy or something obviously.

 

I'm just really missing him and wanting to show him what I have realized, because I truly believe that we had something great when it was still going great (at the end we argued some and things got confusing... leading up to our breakup). I really also want to show him how special he is to me... I think about him all the time. And even though everything that has happened, I still have great positive feelings toward him... and he honestly makes me want to be a better person. I know that I have made mistakes in the past, and he has made me see that... so I want to show him that and fix those things.

 

Anyway I guess I'm just looking for general advice on what to do. Should I ask him to talk or hang out? Should I try to go out with him on the weekend downtown (he's good friends with one of my roommates, so I think they are going) to get over the awkwardness? Should I not talk to him at all? I'm really confused and would just appreciate anyone's insight.

 

Thanks guys!!!!! please reply

[melrich]

You should simply try to forget about him. Accept your relationship is over.

[xMoToRgiRlx]

I think you should wait a month or 2 until you both become closer friends so he knows how much you have changed. Tell him that you know you might have had a bad past with him, but you want to prove how much you changed.

 

Hope that helps!

[clodhopper]

richgabe --

 

i know that is the logical thing to do, to forget about him and accept that our relationship is over.

 

the problem with forgetting about him is he is really good friends with my roommate, so he comes up in conversation all the time, etc. it's not like i can just separate him out of my life now.

 

in terms of accepting that the relationship is over, i have. it's not what i want, but i have accepted that that is reality. what i'm saying is that i know what we had in the past we could never have again, but that i want a second chance with him to have a different relationship and avoid the mistakes that we made in the past.

 

-clodhopper

[clodhopper]

xMoToRgiRlx --

 

thanks for your reply. i guess you're probably right in what you said. i guess in reality i have to give it time to see if we even have a chance of becoming better friends than we are now... and maybe then i can tell him how i feel, and he can see how i have changed.

 

you're right, thanks for the advice, it was really helpful.

 

i guess it's just really difficult when you care about someone so much and accept that the past is in the past, but that you want to build a better different future with them... and it's hard when you have so many thoughts in your head, and you can't tell the person...

 

however, you're probably right in that i need to wait a while to see what happens. thanks!!

 

- clodhopper

[annie24]

Well, since he broke up with you, it seems that the ball is in his court. Does he know that you still have a thing for him? I'm not really sure that you can have a new relationship with an old person. Only new relationships with new people.

 

Yeah, it can be hard to get over someone if your roommate is friends with them, but if need be, you could ask your roommate respectfully that you'd rather not discuss your ex and please keep it separate.

[melrich]

[in terms of accepting that the relationship is over, i have. it's not what i want, but i have accepted that that is reality. what i'm saying is that i know what we had in the past we could never have again, but that i want a second chance with him to have a different relationship and avoid the mistakes that we made in the past.

]

 

No this is not accepting it is over at all. Look, I know my response might have been a little blunt but I have read all your previous posts on this relationship and from what you have said this guy has told you (quite nicely) in so many ways that he does not want to be in a relationship with you.

 

You think you have changed and that you now know how to avoid all the mistakes you made...all dumpees think that...if only I could have my time over again...things would be so much better....

 

The sooner you make yourself move on (no you will never forget him, nor should you..he has been an important part of your life) the happier you will be and I am guessing the happier he will be.

[ajk]

clodhopper--i posted on one of your other forums just now, so you can read my comments over there.

 

i just want to argue with a point richgabe made--

 

richgabe: i think clodhopper sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders about this, and that she IS accepting that the relationship, the way it was, is over. a lot of relationships do renew themselves (people stay in love by falling in love again every day--why would you think that you can't fall in love with someone again after a period of separation? it takes dedication but people do it all the time). i think her boyfriend's comments to her sound like he is confused, that is all, and if she can be patient and not press him, he can have time to sort out his feelings on his own. he may very well want to be with her at that point. it is not a 50-50 chance--there is no percentage for it--it depends on what is in his heart, and he obviously wanted to be with her at some point, or they never would have had a relationship. maybe he said "in so many ways" that he doesn't want to be with her, but that was something he said in the moment, and feelings are fleeting and change all the time. one second you can feel in love, the next you can feel 'like friends,' and if you're not aware enough that that is what love is and how feelings are, you (people in general) can misinterpret your own feelings and assume they are fading when really, you are holding an idealized version of 'true love' in your mind. grown-up love is knowing that feelings fluctuate. it sounds like this guy is just confused.

 

and really, if people can just walk away and accept that something is "over" completely, forever, no going back, they may not really have loved the person (or are denying their feelings and not really loving because of that--you are not loving when you withhold your love, and that is definitely a form of withholding). it sounds like clodhopper did love him and does quite a bit and i'm proud of her for that.