Ex is coming back after 15 months

[fiz]

Hello everyone, I hope you can help me to solve this 'mystery' lol.

 

So here it goes, I broke up with my 5 years boyfriend 15 months ago, because of the long distance thing plus we always fought about silly things. He also ignored me for 2 weeks straight (sometimes more) for about 1.5 years, before we broke up.

 

I hit the bottom rock, I was devastated about the break up. I even lost some weight.

I hardly move on, and seeing him flirting with other girls like I was nothing really hurt me.

 

 

But things get better about 8-9 months after the break up. All I can say, I can finally 'live', of I am alive.

 

 

Ok so here it goes, I am better. But sometimes the memories hit me (which I know it is a normal thing)

 

 

A week ago, my ex text me wishing me a happy birthday. So we text for about an hour and he said he's coming back because he got a year off from his study due to depression. He said he's feeling sorry about what happened between us, and he deeply regret. He even asked me if I had moved on, and I said yes I had. I asked him back and he said he moved on too.

 

 

He told me about the girl he liked and I swear I did not asked about it. He said he liked someone, but later she went back to her ex. It was one-sided though. He asked me if I'm seeing someone and I said I don't want to talk about it. Later he said, he tried to look around but none suits him.

 

He said he still cherish every moment we had.

 

I'm not falling for it because after all I've been through, I'll never going back to that way.

 

But later he told me about his depression. I asked him how severe is his depression? He said he considered suicide for too many times. He asked me if we can be friends and I said I have to think about it. I know this is silly but I asked him "are you sure we won't get back together?". He said why, am I afraid of that? I said, well you don't? He replied he's sure we won't.

 

 

I don't know what should I do. I don't want to be friends because I am afraid to fall for him again. I tried hard to move on and forget him (which I did), but occasionally memories hit me. He said he moved on but he did not sounded like that at all. But I'm sympathized about his depression. On the second thought, I think he is just lonely.

 

 

Ok please help me, what should I do?

[Clinton]

If it's a problem for you don't be his friend and cut contact with him

You owe him nothing and aren't responsible for his well being

 

Live your life for yourself. Contact with him causes you pain so cut him off.

[Mari]

If you got together again will it still be long distance, would you still fight over small things?

 

If you're not planning on being with him and he really wants to be friends you can tell him you plan on dating other people that aren't him and won't be dating him cause it doesn't work. If it still hurts you can tell him that you don't want to go through that relationship again and you can't be friends yet because you don't want to start having feelings again.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree, you do not owe it to him to be friends. Also keep in mind he's sussing around AFTER some other girl broke his heart. If he were with her do you think he'd even be talking to you? Also if he has severe depression shouldn't he be focusing on THAT instead of finding a woman? I'm sorry, the sense I get from your post is he knows he's coming back to your area, he was rejected by someone else, he knows you won't necessarily reject him and will boost his ego. That's not friendship, that's using you as an emotional band-aid/therapist until he lines up someone new. And if he lines up someone new and suddenly isn't available again how badly will that hurt you?

 

Being friends with an ex when you're anything, but to the stage of "I could care less" and you could watch them in a crowd of super models and feel nothing but, "Good for you" is a really dumb idea. You need to go back and write down all of the reasons why it never worked to begin with, and why he is now coming to you for comfort. And then ask yourself if you totally 1,000 percent okay with being his unpaid therapist until he lines up a new girl, because from everything he says and you say according to your post that is exactly what is going to happen.

 

Either be okay with that or tell him thanks for the memories, but friendship really isn't in the cards. And then you stop taking his phone calls etc. and go back to NC. You've come this far, do you really want that all undone the first time he snubs you for someone else? He has clearly stated he does not see you back together, believe him and move on.

[fiz]

Thank you for your reply! Yep, I think it's the best too. I just afraid that by rejecting him will make his depression worse. But yes you're right, I ain't responsible for this.

 

If it's a problem for you don't be his friend and cut contact with him

You owe him nothing and aren't responsible for his well being

 

Live your life for yourself. Contact with him causes you pain so cut him off.

[fiz]

The problem will always be there, and that's why I won't be back with him. But I am afraid if we are being friends again and he make me have feelings for him again. I am afraid of that, because as far as I concern, he will never change I just afraid that by rejecting him will make his depression worse.

 

If you got together again will it still be long distance, would you still fight over small things?

 

If you're not planning on being with him and he really wants to be friends you can tell him you plan on dating other people that aren't him and won't be dating him cause it doesn't work. If it still hurts you can tell him that you don't want to go through that relationship again and you can't be friends yet because you don't want to start having feelings again.

[fiz]

Thank you for your reply. This really open my eyes. You're 100% correct. Yes if we're being friends again, he will makes me fall for him again by being the unpaid therapist. I know HE WILL STILL flirt around, because I knew him. Nope I couldn't care less, you're right. If he contacted me for the second time again, I'll just tell him thanks for the memories etc. I couldn't be his friend and we couldn't be casual as if nothing had happened. I couldn't listen to him ranting about all other girls he flirted with and I don't want to be his company for his loneliness. Yes you're totally correct! Thank you!!

[gdgfx]

You need to be using your mind now and effectively coming to terms with what happened in your relationship with this guy. Although you already have done, you need to keep the fact that you are over him close to your person like a good hand in Poker because if anything goes bad, at least you can throw down your aces and walk away and come out on top. I see everyone taking the insensitive route out, and I notice it's a pattern that occurs here very frequently. I think there are enough people here that are fearful of relationships, that do anything they possibly can to hide from happiness and not take positives from situations so don't let that cloud your judgement. Sometimes, you have to listen to yourself and close yourself off from others and make a decision.

 

I get that you don't want to get hurt and I'm not saying let your guard down. You need to take control of this situation but you need to do it right. Like I've said, the ones that run at the opportunity to talk to their ex's probably were abused, really hurt and I mean to the point of serious mind altering consequences that made them scared to have a relationship for many many years, who had seek counselling for severe anxiety and emotional instabilities. From what you've said, it sounds like you argued over silly things and perhaps you hurt each other but was it really in comparison to mental torture and blackmail, the turmoil that unfolds after 20 years of marriage ending? See, people will have reasons for being bitter here and you are young fiz, don't let other people poison your thoughts, your beliefs and your emotional and spiritual being. I believe this is a completely different situation, you aren't backing out of 20 years of marriage, you don't both own a share in a house with kids to feed and bills to pay and the stereotypical situation that unfolds thereafter of who gets how much money and who runs away the quickest leaving the other bitter and angry and losing all hope in men. You were together for 5 years, alright, I admit, that's a long time compared to some but like I said, you are both young and I bet neither of you wanted it to get like it did, you maybe both were naive, inexperienced and maybe your ex started to get depressed or maybe both of you did and believe me, depression in relationships can really hit hard and leaves no prisoners but it's how much you both love/loved each other, how much you tried to fight all the bullsh*t that was happening and focus on the fact that you both want/wanted each other and would do anything to be with each other.

 

Take the positives where they are due. This guy coming back into your life could be a blessing in disguise, you can now get closure from all the things you worried about, I'm pretty sure you've got questions that went unanswered, why not ask them? Ask them and you'll no doubt get an honest unbiased answer because he has had time to accept his end of the responsibility for your 5 year relationship, he's had time to heal himself, fix himself up and improve. You can both apologise, both explain why your side of the story and be mature and put the past behind you. What's stopping you from being friends? Was the relationship really THAT bad? Was it just silly arguments or was it a lot worse? I mean like, end of the world stuff? Be realistic, I've been in your shoes and what feels like the end of the world at the time is just stuff you let overwhelm you and belittle you when in reality, learning to adapt to each other can stop that sort of stuff from happening. Spending too much time together and bickering like an old married couple? Spend less time together, let the tension build where each day you want to see each other more then see each other, start that process until you start to appreciate the time you have together and you'll argue less. Got a problem? Talk about it! If it's worrying that you don't feel good enough then it's probably irrational but if it's worth having an in-depth private conversation about how you feel then don't hesitate to talk! If you can't do that with a guy then you have a problem. It should all come down to COMMUNICATION. And the inability to communicate can cause a wealth of issues, probably issues you both faced.

 

Understanding and addressing your issues can really help in a relationship because it's usually relationships like this one, whether it's in the past or not, that only takes PATIENCE and CARE and LOVE and UNDERSTANDING to make it work, let all the negatives pull you down if you want, let people poison you with their version of the story and how it should be done but in all honesty, we fall in love for a reason and that's because something attracted us to that person, and if it's something that is more than skin deep, something that is REAL and beautiful then that's real love and not a lot can stand in the way of the strength and power and unreal aurora that love has surrounding it and if that's the case then if you give up fighting, and love needs fight from both sides because it's a constant battle between personal and professional lives, opinions and beliefs, situations, events and milestones, it's about constantly building the relationship brick by brick and that doesn't take 30 seconds nor 30 days, that can take a lifetime and to be honest, in today's society when you say "I love this man/woman, I want her/him for the rest of my life" you are looked at like a fool, like it's acceptable to have multiple relationships, have sex with as many people as possible and gain a false sense of belonging in society when the truth is, you CAN love someone so deeply and spend forever with them, it's all down to how YOU go about looking after a relationship and it should be 50/50 too, so that being said...

 

It's all down to what you want to do. You have to work out how you want to go about this situation. You need to get to know this guy again, 15 months is a long time and things change. You need to address all the problems that were caused, ask the right questions and look for sincerity, integrity and honesty. And you'll find all the answers to all your questions and then you'll know how to make an informed decision as to where to go from there. I'm not saying get with this guy, I'm not saying walk away from this guy. It's about how this guy makes you feel, why you like him, why you loved him, accepting what happened in the past and both coming together to make a decision as to maintain a friendship or reinvent the relationship and this time surpass all the difficulties you had, you'll both of gained experience from experience itself, and know what to look out for, and how to approach situations, don't be afraid to fall in love again. LOVE IS SPECIAL. And in today's society, REAL HONEST LOVE in it's purest form is rare, and so don't waste a moment. If this guy makes you feel special, makes all your problems seem like they are so small then maybe this guy was meant to be.. Or maybe he wasn't.

 

Like I said, don't listen to anybody on here who's giving you direct orders. DO THIS. DO THAT. MOVE ON, IGNORE HIM, DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN.

Fact is, only you and this guy know this relationship and you both now should know how to make it work. It's whether you both want to be together again or want to shake hands and be friends. It's not about the past now, it's about the present. Show him how much you've changed, show him that you won't take the same sh*t again, show him that you are stronger and know what you want and show him that you accept what you did wrong too. When all this is said and done, the best way to go about this is to see where it goes, but know your limits and know that you are both in this together so you aren't building up feelings whilst he maybe doesn't want to feel anything at all. Mutual understanding, mutual respect, mutual friendship development..

 

The world is your oyster, I trust you'll make the right decision

[SooSad33]

Yes, he could very well be lonely.

You can't be friends with an Ex, until those 'feelings' are gone.

 

I suggest give it another year to see IF you even want to consider that possibility.

[fiz]

Thank you for your reply

 

 

Truth is, I still love him but I am afraid to do anything that will hurt me again. That's why I came here, asking people what to do because I really am don't know to do. There's too many 'what ifs' in my mind. People who know our stories literally asked me to throw him away, shut my door just like he shut his a long time ago. That's why I came here, asking couple of strangers to give advices.

 

Deep inside, I want to start over and forget everything happened before. But I know, it's a hard thing to do. Yes we were young and immature, we made mistakes. I, too, admit my mistakes. We hurt each other.

 

 

I don't really know why he came back. Maybe he just wants to be friends. Maybe he wants more. Or maybe he just wants to fill his loneliness. Or maybe he regrets everything happened. I don't know. Too afraid to ask or hear the truth.

 

He told about a girl he liked. Deep down, it hurts me.

 

Maybe shutting my door is the best way to not get hurt again.