Feeling worthless and alone

[Bearey]

I'm a 24 year old female who just graduated college. My entire life I've felt incredibly lonely and friendless. Worst of all I've felt rejected by just about everyone around me. It's gotten worse considerably over the years because I've always had the feeling that I attract people into my life who arnt interested in me.

 

Here are several examples:

-I have two fathers: a biological and a stepfather who's been with my mom and I since I was 4 years old. However I have absolutely no kind of connections with either one of them. My biological father refused to admit he and I were even related for half of my life. Recently I stopped talking to him because when I told him my stepdad treated me horribly he said "it must be for a good reason".

-My stepdad and I also have a horrible relationship. He's ignored me for the past few years and likes to talk awful things about me to my mom. This despite the fact that I'm responsible and pay half the bills in the household.

-My mother has never once been affectionate with me. She's never once said she loves me or is proud of me. Nothing.

-I've been in romantic relationships since I was 16. I've only had four boyfriends. The two that I was with the longest and loved dearly cheated on me and the other bfs two ended the relationship shortly after it started.

-My current boyfriend of 1.5 years cheated on me and was also caught talking to "strange" people online. I took him back. Even tho I love him and he's been doing everything possible to earn my trust back and has made a lot of sacrifices since I discovered what he did I know that if I didn't feel so lonely in my life I wouldn't have ever taken him back.

-My 19 year old sister will take the painful experience of my boyfriend cheating on me to call into question my worth. A few weeks ago I had confided in her that now that I wasn't in school I felt lonely and that a couple of times a month I cry and still get very upset about what my bf did to me. She makes fun of the fact that he cheated on me and says I can only attract men into my life that cheat and disrespect me. Her painful words have also made it difficult for me to get over what my bf did.

-I have few friends. Those friends I have speak to me sporadically and sometimes ignore my messages. When we do make plans most of the time they bail out on me.

-I was in college 5 years and never really connected with anyone. Those people I did connect with didn't care to continue the friendship even when I tried to keep communication open.

 

Anyway here are just some examples of why I feel alone and worthless. Of why I feel like there's something horribly wrong with me as a person.

 

Sorry for the long post. I just have so many thoughts and feeling of loneliness and worthlessness in my head right now and I don't know how to make everything better; not when I feel like I don't have friends or even family members to confide in.

Can someone please help me out thru this difficult time? Any words of advice or books or anything to make my life a little more bearable. Anything?!

 

Thanks ahead to those of you who reply! I really appreciate it.

[Blue92]

Why are you having such a hard time communicating with other people?

[bulletproof]

Maybe you should put all your efforts right now into finding a way to become financially independent so you no longer have to live with your family. They don't sound very supportive, and some independence might really help you build your self-esteem.

 

Due to your unstable relationships with father figures in your life, maybe it's not the best time to be dating. Especially if your boyfriend has betrayed your trust already.

 

If I were you, I would focus on becoming financially stable, ideally with a job that provides insurance so you can get some therapy. One step at a time.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. During your years in school, did you seek out any kind of mental health counseling?

 

That might be a place to start. You can get the feedback you need to learn why friendships don't work out for you and what you can do to change this.

 

Social skills can be learned, and it's unfortunate that you haven't had good models in your life to teach you this. It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you, only that you can learn what you haven't yet been taught. As your counselor teaches you options for baby steps and you gain some small successes, you'll feel more motivated and enthusiastic about taking more steps.

 

Head high, and you can always write more if it helps.

[Bearey]

The funny thing is I moved out with my parents because the roommates I shared an apt with were a complete nightmare. It was because of me that my family of six moved out of a tiny 2-bedroom 600 sq. foot apt and we all moved into a 1500 sq foot townhouse. I provided the deposit and put my name down since they have bad credit.

About having social skills I'm not sure if that's necessarily the problem. I think I can safely assume that the reason I never made any long term friends at school was because I worked a full time job and went straight from school to work. I couldn't do activities because I double majored and felt like I had too much going on.

I'm not sure I necessarily lack social skills when at work I'm known as a chatterbox and if my coworkers don't see me smiling much they'll know something is wrong with me. I've been a server at a sports bar for 2.5 years and have to constantly deal with small talk and being friendly and humoring all sorts of people. I think the fact that my current bf is extremely popular and outgoing should say something about me right? I doubt anyone lacking social skills would attract a person who always runs into someone they know within a 15 mile radius of their home (that's him no joke).

 

I feel worthless in the sense that I can't seem to get people to want to get to know me and hang out with me outside of work or when I was in school. I talk to girls I work with but when I try to make further plans they're always hesitant and already have other things going on.

It's truly hard to explain how I feel. I don't feel like I have low-self esteem. At least not in the sense that I feel unattractive or anything like that. But I do feel like there's something seriously wrong with me. I've been told I'm nice and friendly and funny but can't seem to acquire true friends or any truly deep relationship other than with my boyfriend who as I've said I wouldn't have taken back had I had a stable, supportive group of friends.

Sometimes I feel like I need therapy. But then I've tried reading online articles about making friends. I hang out with some people here and there once in a while but it never goes beyond that. Never beyond being able to truly get to know someone on a deeper level than casual drinks or a quick meal or movie. People always fail to respond half to time or then are always too busy. I've also thought about therapy to deal with my family and daddy issues but I feel like that's a hopeless cause. What's there to do when nothing is ever enough for them. No amount of money I give them is ever enough and they're always demanding more and being disrespectful of my private space and my belongings.

[Bearey]

To further elaborate on the friend thing and why I feel alone and worthless-it's become worse because i feel like I'm always measuring myself to others. Not in how they look or what they own but in how many friends they. My bf for example cheated on me with his best friend's younger sister (he no longer talks to either of them). but I can't help but see that these two girls who brought me immense pain have so many friends. The ex best friend would try to come between my bf and I all the time and she'd always invite him out but "forget" to invite me. The sister (the girl he cheated on me with) pretty much laughed in my face when I told her what they had done together brought me a lot of pain. It was one of the most insensitive and heartless experiences I've had. But seeing these girls I always wonder how it's possible for such girls to even have so many friends. How such cruel and heartless and mean girls can have so many people like them. My bfs closet friend now is also a girl and I've met her three times in a large group. She never gave me the time of the day (despite them being best friends) and even admits herself that's she's a total b***tch. From seeing her interact with everyone around her she was cheap, uptight and didn't laugh about absolutely anything during the course of my time around her. When my bf asked what I thought about her I told her she seemed mean and cold and he just laughed saying that's what everyone said. Seeing this kind of person I ask myself how it's possible for someone like that to have so many friends (At this I'm not exaggerating. She had 16 people go to a bday related celebration event she had recently.)

I've had no greater luck with "guy" friends. They seem to only be my "friend" waiting for the opportunity to make our friendship become something more. I was actually sexually abused by someone I considered a very near and dear friend to me. I was intoxicated and he took advantage of me and it was incredibly upsetting. I've never talked to him since that day two years ago but I know that I'm unlucky both in male and female friends.

I know it's never good to measure oneself to others. But I don't feel like I'm a particularly horrible person. Just that people don't seem to want to further a friendship with me....

[bulletproof]

Whether your boyfriend has friends or not has nothing to do with whether you have social skills. There are superficial social skills, which it seems you have, and then there are the social skills used to develop deeper connections with people, which you claim you are having a lot of trouble with. It also seems that you are willing to let your bf treat you poorly because you perceive him to be "worthy" due to his popularity and outgoing character.

 

 

You absolutely seem like you have low self-esteeem. If you have actually used the word "worthless" to describe a feeling about any area of your life, then yes, you have low self-esteem. You say that therapy seems a hopeless cause, but you haven't even tried it yet.

 

And regarding your living situation, I don't think it matters that your family chose to move. That was their choice. For you to continue to live there seems like a really dysfunctional choice on your part. By your description, they are unsupportive, demanding of your money, and disrespecting your private space and belongings. What mentally healthy person would continue to choose that as his/her living arrangement? Think about it.