paranoid or legit?

[je55ie]

Way back when, there was this one girl my boyfriend knew that he would never talk about. I always knew when he'd get a text from her or do something with her, because he'd never say anything about it, unlike the other people he knew. It weirded me out because I view being secretive is the sign of a problem, but he is much more private than me, and so I tried to respect his privacy and figured whatever comes of it is what's meant to happen.

 

Fast forward a few years, she's moved several states away, he and I are living together. Last night I was sitting next to him and inadvertently saw a text from her pop up on his phone while he was holding it. Of course he said nothing of it, and he's been very protective of his phone ever since, taking it with him to the shower, keep the screen down, etc.

 

It makes me uncomfortable and paranoid, but at the same time, I want to be adult about it and respect him enough to trust him that if he wants to have private conversations, he can. I mean, obviously, I'm writing in this forum without his knowing, so we all have a right to privacy. I don't want to be that crazy jealous girl, but I also don't want to be a gullible idiot.

 

Should I let it be or force a conversation about it?

[mhowe]

A girl your bf knew. Not an ex gf?

 

Let it go. Respect his privacy.

[weathergirl]

A girl your bf knew. Not an ex gf?

 

Let it go. Respect his privacy.

 

I agree with you about respecting privacy.... but taking his phone with him while he showers? That's a little much...and does sort of indicate he may be hiding something.

 

What that is is anyone's guess...... but for now respect his privacy and try to let it go...assuming he's a loving boyfriend and your relationship is happy and stable.

[90_hour_sleep]

I guess it depends on whether you trust him in general. If there's solid trust, this sort of behaviour isn't all that bothersome. But if you don't feel you have that foundation, then this will probably continue to gnaw away at you. Where's your level of trust at?

[mhowe]

Taking his phone with him to the shower may show that he doesn't believe his current gf won't be going through it, given the chance.

 

Last night I was sitting next to him and inadvertently saw a text from her pop up on his phone while he was holding it

 

Seriously, how close do you have to be sitting in order to see a text and who it is from?

[ParisPaulette]

Any time you see something that is out of character in a person my take is you should speak up about it. Trust your own intuition on this. Taking the phone with you when you shower, if it's not something one normally does (I do when I'm on call for clients but that's all the time) then yeah it's weird.

 

That saying, "See something, say something" is for a good reason. Especially if he has other female friends and/or friends and people who he texts and doesn't act like that. I'm not saying he's cheating, I don't even know the guy, but people who are secretive about something--yeah, well there's a reason for that--what is it they don't want you finding? It's sort of the relationship equivalent of the cop who pulls the guy over and before the cop can ask for the guy's license the guy blurts out, "Don't check the trunk, okay? I wasn't doing anything."

[missmarple]

I think you've taken (and are still taking) discretion too far. In my opinion, when you're part of a couple, you have a right to know your partner's friends - if it's a friend we're talking about because your description isn't clear. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable if my bf took his phone to the shower...I've never done that in my life.

[je55ie]

Well, he does think I'd snoop because he knows I like more transparency than him. I've been open with him, and told him that when I feel like people are being dishonest that I will try to figure it out. While him being so protective makes me want to figure it out, and tempted to, I make a point not to.

As far as me seeing the text goes, he was lounging with the phone sitting in his stomach, and I was giving him a hug and the text popped up. And honestly, the couch is small, I could see everything on Hus phone if I looked over.

They did date. He and I were dating casually at the time, not exclusive, and I was out of state for work during that first date. He told me about their first date, but closed off after that. I know they've seen each other for months after until she moved, though weather as friends or dates, I don't know, and he won't tell me.

[mhowe]

Liking and requesting transparency is one thing.

Snooping when your SO doesn't think like you do is something else.

 

So ---- you guys have been together for years and she lives states away at this time.

 

What are you concerned about?

[ChiBrunette]

I think a conversation needs to be had - but not necessarily about the phone and the texts.

 

I live with my partner in crime, and we do have a transparent relationship. We've been through some ugly stuff together... but we operate on blatant honesty and transparency. I take my phone to the shower with me - but I also like to keep track of time and stream Pandora. My boyfriend takes the phone with him... LMAO But thats because its his equivilant to a news paper if you catch my drift.

 

If you have wavering trust, and you both are seeking transparency - you need to tell him that your trust is wavering. If its because of the girl, then be honest about it. In a non accusatory manner, let him know it makes you feel insecure and why.

 

It doesn't have to be such a big issue, and I think if you hold it in for too long - you'll find yourself filling more with resentment than love.

 

Talk it out. It could very well be nothing.

[missmarple]

I know they've seen each other for months after until she moved, though weather as friends or dates, I don't know, and he won't tell me.

 

He won't tell you? And why are you still with him again? Sorry but the moment my bf told me 'I won't tell you if that girl (who I'm still in contact with) was my friend or my date' I'd be out the door. This, to me, is not a relationship.

[Doug73]

I personally, would want to know more. That's my opinion only. I say you should ask about it. Everyone comes from somewhere different in life and view things differently. I say there is a very fine line between secrecy & privacy. Coming where I came from into the relationship I am in now I had a lot of trouble early on distinguishing the difference. In an exclusive relationship I personally believe one would have the right to know who the S/O communicates with. If your partner isn't willing on sharing that info, then me personally, I would have an issue with that. I stated in the beginning of my relationship that there was always 100% transparency. She wanted the same. So, if there are things for me that don't sit right, I ask about it. As, I have said, this is my opinion only, which I am entitled too. I know some people on here don't agree with that, however that's ok. That's their opinion & I respect that. I don't think keeping things from your s/o is a good thing, especially when it comes to an issue such as this. It would make me feel as if something was being hidden from me. What's there to hide?

[weathergirl]

Taking his phone with him to the shower may show that he doesn't believe his current gf won't be going through it, given the chance.

Last night I was sitting next to him and inadvertently saw a text from her pop up on his phone while he was holding it

 

Seriously, how close do you have to be sitting in order to see a text and who it is from?

 

Re bold...good point! And you're right too about how close is she sitting to see a text and who it's from.

 

Something isn't jiving here.

 

OP, I could be wrong of course...but it does sound like you have some trust issues...and are intentionally looking for any indication that he might be cheating or behaving deceptively. Am I wrong about that?

 

So I will ask you point blank...did you go through his phone and THAT is how you found out about the text from this other girl?

[ParisPaulette]

They did date. He and I were dating casually at the time, not exclusive, and I was out of state for work during that first date. He told me about their first date, but closed off after that. I know they've seen each other for months after until she moved, though weather as friends or dates, I don't know, and he won't tell me.

 

Wait, hold up a second here. Are you saying he continued to see her after you two got exclusive? If it's a yes then why on earth would you think they were "just friends" if he was seeing her alone, not telling you about it, and had an agreement that the two of you were exclusive? Am I reading that right. Are you exclusive now. Have you both agreed not to have opposite sex people in your lives that aren't just friends and that you are exclusive. How long have you been exclusive if you are and last but not least, do you have male friends you go do things with and don't tell him about.

 

These are all really important points you need to look over, because they are the difference between a) he's cheating on you and hiding it under the pretense of "just friends" or b) you both have opposite sex friends you go do things with without necessarily telling each other at which point yeah it's a bit of a double standard for you to do it and not him.

 

I think maybe there's more to this than your telling us? This is maybe starting to sound like a lot more than just you seeing your BF's phone and being a bit suspicious of texts from a girl. And BTW I'm actually for full transparency in relationships, but in all honesty if he's hiding this girl from you and not anyone else in his life then you don't really have transparency now do you. What are you prepared to do if you do find out he's been cheating on you with her all along? Personally I think you kind of know the answer to that one already. I'm not sure the advice you're getting on this forum is going to help you, because I have a feeling there's more to this story than just "my bf acts weird about one girl." Which yeah, I would be all over that, but it's because I've been through that same type of scenario and found that people act guilty for a reason. The rest of us could give two tosses of a salad what you think or know about our friends if we're faithful and open.

[je55ie]

We are exclusive now, but were not officially so until after she moved away. I only know she moved because she gave him furniture.

I have not be intentionally looked at his phone, but both if us text a lot and notifications pop up that we both see. Our phones charge next to each other. Sit by each other in the car, sit on the table, etc. We see things weather we want to or not. Sometimes we'll be watching videos, etc. Its not weird to see each other's texts.

I trust that he is committed to me, I don't for a minute think he'd cheat. But I don't trust that he'd be honest with me if I asked about this girl, and he does lie, and I don't understand why.