Is she the type of person that can not stay alone?

[Loko]

Dear all,

 

to make a long story short, I'll try to summarize it.

 

I know this girl, about 1 year, from work related stuff.

I pretty much liked her from the beginning I met her, however she was together with someone for many years. 8 months ago, their relationship ended (actually she tried to hang on, and fix it... but in the end it stopped).

Now pretty much right after this relationship ended she started going out and dating (at that point I already knew it would end bad..). Almost in the same week (lets say in 10 days or something from the definitive split up) she met a new guy and started a relationship with this guy.

As I expected: it did not end well and they broke up after a few months.

Now after this broke up, she laughed at it and saw it as some sort of "rebound"...

However the same story started again: she started dating/going out for a while... but now it came to my attention she is (I think) interested in me....

 

Now I like her, I think she is a great girl, but the fact that she started dating so soon after a break up (relationship that lasted several years) is a bit worrying to me.

 

I do not want to end up as some sort of "in between guy" or something like that....

I do think she means it seriously and that she never dated that other (in between guy) just for the fun of it, but the idea that she dates so fast seems weird.

It looks like she is not able to stay alone and I have problems understanding this.

 

Is this something "normal" ? Should I worry about jt or?

 

any insights?

[Man with Dog]

Actually not wanting to be alone is quite normal. I think it is associated with peoples' breeding instincts and even applies to many people who don't want children. I agree with you that it isn't particularly healthy (having been like that myself many decades ago) but not all peoples' instincts and emotions are that healthy.

 

Another reason many people start dating (or try to!) soon after a break-up is they need reassurance that they are still attractive.

 

As a friend, all you can do is support her as best you can.

 

As a potential boyfriend for her, I would say there's a red flag: Why didn't she turn to you when she broke up with the bloke she was with when you met? It sort of sounds as if you are 2nd or 3rd choice. There MAY be some sort of plausible explanation but, to me, it is a sign to tread carefully.

 

Good luck.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like 100% rebounding and if you don't want to be another casualty then it is best not to even go there.

[SooSad33]

Since you are aware of her history and her trail, you know somewhat of what you're getting into.

Do you want to get involved with a gal who isn't stable and is a serial dater, since her BU?

 

She isn't stable mentally or emotionally. She hasn't dealt with herself properly since they broke up. That isn't healthy.

So, since you are aware of this,.. think.

Do you want to get hurt too?

[Loko]

Hard to tell, perhaps because we had to spend some more time together the last few weeks and thats why she got an interest in me?

 

 

 

 

 

This is my fear too..

But I was thinking the "rebound" is already over? I was thinking the rebound was the first guy...

 

Altough, yes, perhaps it would still be a rebound....

Hard to tell...

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I would not say she is not stable: she had a relationship for almost 7 years! Its just after the break up that she all of a sudden started "dating" fast (and actually serial dating, not really because it was pretty much the first guy she was dating that she hooked up with). At that time , I really just saw it as some sort of "I can not be alone cry"...

 

 

Maybe something I have to add:

They broke up after almost 7 years, she tried to keep it going for about 2-3 more months..

So I also think that during those 2-3 months she started dealing with it.. (to some extent).

 

 

 

However, in general, I can see your points and yes, I do think about it and yes, it does bother me and it makes me wonder if I should try it.

 

 

Any other insights?

[Natasha24]

It does sound like she rebounded with that guy. But does it mean she can't be alone? I'm not sure.

 

I was with a guy for 7 years. When we broke up, I was dating someone new within a couple months. Obviously I had no intention of marrying the guy, we both knew we were dating just for the hell of it because we wanted some fun. I dated a few guys after that and they weren't serious either. As long as everyone is on the same page, I don't see the problem.

 

You say you like her and you talk about her dating history.. but you don't mention whether or not she likes you. Are you willing to make things awkward between you two if you confess your feelings and she doesn't feel the same way?

 

EDIT: Just read your other post that she was dating her first guy for 7 years. I hope we don't happen to know each other! haha.

[SoulTaker]

Loko, how do you know about all of this in such detail? How she deals with men after a breakup is one thing, but telling people her business is another thing, especially in a work situation. Are you 100% sure that she only confides to you about her escapades? Also, what makes her so great, "looks"? Is the reward worth the risk?

 

You know what you're dealing with. Are you willing to put up with the aftermath that will come when she tells everyone at work, her business involving you? And it will happen. I wouldn't touch that situation with a ten foot pole.

[Loko]

Haha, no you do not know eachother haha

 

She does mean is seriously.. even with the guy she dated for just a short time.. she was serious..(altough, now she admits it was more a rebound and not really "love")

 

Yeah, I am going to take it slow, not ask/say much.. but to be honest: the initiative comes from her... not me, thats why I am pretty sure there is "something"..

 

 

 

 

I am not so sure what you mean about "talk into detail" .. knowing she has a boyfriend or not... thats not really a detail?

I just know when (+-) she broke up and when she started dating.. thats all..

I do not see this as detailed information?

Dont you know from your co-workers/friend who has a boy/girlfriend and who is dating and not?

 

And about the dating: I would just ask whether she is doing something special that week or did something special the last week (just small talk) and then she would say she went on a date or something..

I mean, its just small talk not detailed conversations.

 

Its not just the looks, she looks normal..,its more how she is and how the both of us are...

And I already liked her from the start I met her..found her an intersting person.

 

I doubt she will be talking about us at work (if we would break up)? Well, perhaps she would, but I doubt it..

Its not that I know so many details about her previous relationships.

 

Anyway: these are the things that are holding me back! Work and her "datinghistory".

[Man with Dog]

Anyway: these are the things that are holding me back! Work and her "datinghistory".

 

I've often wondered what a "good" dating history is. I think mine is flawed because I was 17 when I had my first date and 23 when I had my first serious relationship. I've also never had an LDR, nor a medium (1-3 years) term relationship. I've also been divorced once (surely a red flag) and cheated on girlfriends.

 

Would a "good" dating history look something like this:

 

1. First date at 14

2. A couple of medium term relationships before 20

3. No unplanned pregnancies

4. No divorces

5. No living together relationships that finished a break-up

6. No cheating and never been cheated on

 

????

[MikNomis]

Just give it a try, but take things slow.

[SoulTaker]

Sorry, but I don't know the inner details of my co-workers. Not everyone is going to spill out their private lives for the whole office to know. We'll have to disagree on that subject.

 

My point is that if she's telling co-workers about her dating, relationships, you'll be included. If you want to take that chance in a work environment, then... If you can handle the "worst case scenario" then go for it. If you can't, then stay away (at least until she becomes more stable).

 

The good thing is that you're not making this decision in the dark. You know who you're dealing with.

[Loko]

I've often wondered what a "good" dating history is. I think mine is flawed because I was 17 when I had my first date and 23 when I had my first serious relationship. I've also never had an LDR, nor a medium (1-3 years) term relationship. I've also been divorced once (surely a red flag) and cheated on girlfriends.

 

Would a "good" dating history look something like this:

 

1. First date at 14

2. A couple of medium term relationships before 20

3. No unplanned pregnancies

4. No divorces

5. No living together relationships that finished a break-up

6. No cheating and never been cheated on

 

????

 

Good remark!

 

But yes, some of the things you mention are things that would be a problem for me.

"dating history" does mean something and can say something about the character/person.

 

Just give it a try, but take things slow.

I'll do it like this indeed.

 

Sorry, but I don't know the inner details of my co-workers. Not everyone is going to spill out their private lives for the whole office to know. We'll have to disagree on that subject.

 

My point is that if she's telling co-workers about her dating, relationships, you'll be included. If you want to take that chance in a work environment, then... If you can handle the "worst case scenario" then go for it. If you can't, then stay away (at least until she becomes more stable).

 

The good thing is that you're not making this decision in the dark. You know who you're dealing with.

I find it weird you call this an inner detail. Knowing if someone is married/got a relationship or is single is in my opinion not a detail.

It sounds (to me) that you do not talk to your co-workers.

Of course: people wont talk to every co-worker (some you like, some you dont).

(so I was not talking about them telling to everyone)

They might be just co-workers and not friends, but even then you still talk, no? Or are you the type that really does not talk to them beside the "hey and goodbey" or the "weather is nice" talks?

 

 

The last part of your answer: yeah, I can see your point! This is for sure something to keep in your mind.

On the other hand: be realistic, if there is a couple at work...people will know in the end...

[SoulTaker]

We probably work in different environments, or deal with a different group of people. Talk yes, discuss personal details, no. There's no right or wrong here.

[Loko]

We probably work in different environments, or deal with a different group of people. Talk yes, discuss personal details, no. There's no right or wrong here.

 

Indeed, you are right.