What to do when you're falling in love with a woman that has a controlling ex?

[xxsupaxeroxx]

Last night I told this girl I was spending alot of time with making music and staying up late just talking about life with, that I was super attracted to her. I'm sort of shy, but I suck up enough courage when I'm driven to do so. After telling her this, she said "you better not try to make out with me or anything"... hours later she actually did exactly that with me. I tried to resist and hold back for reasons I'm about to explain. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her, twice. After she said our friendship better not change and that she wanted this to happen and doesn't regret it.

 

I really believe I am falling in love with this girl. I'm 29 and she is 36 which is different because I'm use to dating woman younger than I am.

 

The problem with all of this is she has a six year old son with a man she has been broken up with for years now. I guess she allows it to happen, but he will randomly uninvited come to her house and be violent with her and her possessions. We've talked about it extensively and the options she has to get away from this abuse. She refuses to call the police or get a no contact order on him because she's afraid to lose her son or hurt her son by taking away his father. I'm inferring this, but I also feel like this is what keeps her from finding happiness or trusting someone else, and even afraid of beginning a new relationship.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar position? How can I really can her trust? I know deep down she wants to be in a healthy loving relationship, how do I get her to trust I'm not like him and that I can protect her without butting into her situation in a way that is going to push her away. I'm willing to be patient and respectful but it hurts me to see her tortured mentally.

[SooSad33]

It sounds like she almost prefers it this way.

If she didn't.. I'm sure, by now she would have this issue dealt with.

 

When you're split up you do NOT let the ex control your life. At that point, you should come to realize you DO have a life of your own again.

 

The best thing is.. is you mention to her, your interest and also your concern.

Suggest she get some help (therapy ) to deal with how he has been with her. Controlling, damaging, etc.

And she also needs to know she will NOT lose her child. HE is the bad one, here.

 

I have 2 kids from an abusive Ex who was an alcy. In the end HE left town as he was under watch, when he visited his kids.. and leaving town was HIS loss. He didn't like that someone else had the control.

The kids are now aware of his past and have accepted it all. And they are fine!

[misssmithviii]

The above is absolutely true.

 

I have a daughter, turning 6 in a couple months and I've been separated from her father pretty much since her birth. He was abusive, physically and emotionally - I couldn't ALLOW him to influence our daughter with his addictions and violence so yeah, you bet your bank I took him to court and made sure I don't have to worry about him trying anything anymore.

 

This isn't the sort of thing mothers get lazy about or can't find time for. This is either you want to protect your child and your livelihood or you're too weak to.

 

I would consider her inability to take action as a serious red flag. You could be getting involved with a codependent, doormat individual - to be blunt.

 

 

...

[amipushy]

Back off. She isnt over him. If she wanted to be free of him then she would do all the things you think she should do. She would all the police, she would take out a no contact order etc, etc. She also wouldnt allow her children to witness such violence or be around such a person.

 

Don't become the friend who is emotionally involved with someone who is emotionally involved with an abusive person. You may be the good guy now who is trying to help her but in the end you will be the bad guy who interferred, who made her do things she didnt want to do, and any problem she has with him thereafter will be blamed on you and she will cut you off. Dead.