When to tell?

[map88]

Hi there. I've been dating a girl for a few weeks now and I'm happy to say that things are really wonderful. I am currently separated but only a month from my divorce. My girl and I have had plenty of discussions about this and the lines of communication have been great there. I have not told her yet however that I was also married in my early 20's (so about 17 years ago now which feels like another lifetime). I've been reluctant to tell her so far because I've wanted to make sure the relationship is heading somewhere first. I guess for some strange reason I am a little worried to tell her - worried that she'll see red flags because I've been married twice. Part of me wishes that I didn't need to tell her, but I know that telling her everything about me and sharing my life completely is the right thing to do. She's very easy to talk to and is a very understanding and non judgmental person - I think I just like her so much that I don't want to lose her by her maybe not feeling the same way when she finds out. I'm looking for advice on two things:

 

1) Getting past the fear/worry of her seeing my two previous marriages as a red flag.

2) Tips on the best way to tell her so that she knows but it isn't made into a big deal (the back story on my first marriage was that we were both early 20's and very naive trying to escape family/personal situations - we weren't right for each other and after only two years mutually decided that we needed to move on).

 

Thanks so much for your help!

[guiltyflood]

hmmm tough situation but that is your discretion. I don't know b/c I've never been in your situation but I'd probably tell her sooner than later.

[missmarple]

Tell her as soon as possible. Lots of people have failed marriages behind them that happened when they were very young..it's really not unusual at all.

[reinventmyself]

Tell her now. If you have been dating for a few weeks and you've had previous discussions about relationship status it would be a red flag for me that you withheld this information, more so then the fact that you were even married more than once. Being married more than once is very common.

[SooSad33]

What was the reason for BU #2?

 

Don't you think it's a bit fast t go searching.. yet again? Have YOU at all taken time on your own to deal with this BU?

One needs some down time to work on accepting the BU and healing from it before heading out to search again.

 

Slow down maybe?

[SoulTaker]

How long is a "few weeks", less than a month? Are the two of you now "exclusive"? This is good to know in order to address your two questions.

[uniqueme]

You should tell her now. Us girls appreciate it when our men are honest and upfront with us from the beginning. It'll go a long way in gaining our trust

[map88]

What was the reason for BU #2?

 

Don't you think it's a bit fast t go searching.. yet again? Have YOU at all taken time on your own to deal with this BU?

One needs some down time to work on accepting the BU and healing from it before heading out to search again.

 

Slow down maybe?

 

No I don't think it's too soon. The circumstances of my separation were such that we were apart long before legal separation occurred and I waited until I felt I was ready emotionally to be in a relationship again. So after being out of that relationship for 18 months now I do feel ready. If that wasn't the case my question would have been about something entirely different.

[map88]

A month now. We met on Match. We just recently had a talk about canceling our match memberships because we are not wanting to see other people. I have cancelled mine, she hasn't cancelled hers yet. Another factor as to why I haven't brought up the topic of my divorce from 17 years ago is because she has applied for a job interstate and that throws some uncertainty in there - not a reason not to tell her though, and I'm planning on doing it very soon.

[SoulTaker]

A month now. We met on Match. We just recently had a talk about canceling our match memberships because we are not wanting to see other people. I have cancelled mine, she hasn't cancelled hers yet. Another factor as to why I haven't brought up the topic of my divorce from 17 years ago is because she has applied for a job interstate and that throws some uncertainty in there - not a reason not to tell her though, and I'm planning on doing it very soon.

 

Usually, the time to divulge that type of information (past history) is when the two of you become "exclusive". You haven't stated whether the two of you are talking about being "exclusive", or are already in a relationship,....

 

For me, in this era, the fact that you've been married twice is not a big deal. It is not a rare event. It's more of when you tell her, which is when the two of you talk about a relationship. It won't be any pressure at that time because she'll have to divulge any notable info about her past.