Terrible Relationship, Stay At Home Mom, No Way Out.

[anonymousxo]

I apologize in advance if this is a bit long. I am currently in a terrible relationship that I no longer want to be in. I've been with this man for three years. He is mean, he lies, he cheats, and he is emotionally unavailable. He has also gotten physical with me a few times as well. From the time I wake up I feel like I'm being attacked. “I'm lazy, fat, stupid, over emotional, selfish, crazy, a bad mom, etc.” I realize the relationship is not healthy and I have reached the point where I no longer want to try to work things out. I no longer feel like myself. I am angry, bitter, and depressed all of the time. I am ashamed that it took me three years to get to this point but I am finally here.

The problem I have with leaving this guy, however, is that I have a 1 year old and another baby on the way. I am not currently working because my first pregnancy was considered high risk so I was unable to continue to work and I am now a stay at home mom. It made the most sense considering the price of child care and because I do not have any supportive family members in the area who would be willing to watch him. I have no income and a pile of debt I would need to pay off before I could get my own place. I also have no furniture other than my queen sized mattress and the baby's crib. The car is in my name and is paid off, so that's a plus.

My boyfriend now has a decent paying job and a nice apartment. If I were to move out soon, the chances of me getting a decent paying job immediately is slim to none. I would have to come up with the money to pay off my debt, money towards furniture, and I'd have to support me and my child. Things would be extremely tight financially.

What I am worried about is if I move out and get a job and he comes after me for custody, (which is likely, only because he wouldn't want to have to pay for child support) any judge seeing how financially unstable I'd be would give him custody, I assume. I'm not saying I would never let him see his kids but knowing everything I've been through, emotionally and physically, because of him; I just don't want that for my babies.

I have no family members who are willing to take us in because I am not a “battered” woman, and it would be too inconvenient for them. He doesn't hit me on a regular basis and he hasn't for months. He is verbally abusive, however, and very mean. He calls me names, belittles, accuses, and disrespects me every single day. Whenever I want to do anything for myself, go back to school, cut my hair, or even buy make-up, he finds a way to make me feel bad about wanting to do those things.

I've tried to make things work. I've tried to change myself to make him happier, which I will never again do for a person. I've tried talking to him about our problems so that we could work on things. He absolutely refuses to talk about any issue we have. He completely refuses or tells me to “Shut up” because I'm being “too emotional.” I've tried watching my tones and changing the way I “word” things so that he doesn't get mad.

I've tried everything I can think of but he is still mean, and he doesn't act like he loves me. With all of the effort I've put forth to work things out, he refuses to work him. I am exhausted. I don't know what my options are at this point but I know that this isn't healthy, and I honestly don't want to do it anymore. At this point, even if he agreed to go to therapy, which I wouldn't mind going to work on myself, I still don't know that I'd be willing to stay. It's hard to erase all of the pain and negativity once it's been planted. When I look at my options I feel so discouraged and hopeless, like my only option is to stay and be miserable. I don't want my kids growing up think this is what love looks like though and I know that if I stay, that's the exact message I'd be sending. Anyone with advice or who has been in a similar situation, feel free to share.[/font][/font]

[Edmund Exley]

There is only one type of advice that can be given. You need to leave him.

[MisUnderstood9]

First off... he hits you again you call the police. PERIOD!

 

Second.. just because you might not be "financially sound" is not justification for a court to grant him custody over you. They will never take the kids from the biological mother unless she is purposely putting that child in danger (ex. drug use, unhealthy living conditions etc).. even then you would have to have Child Services be present in your life actively for over a year and each visit they would need to see that you are an "unfit parent" (ex. empty beer bottles everywhere or used needs and drugs all over your coffee table). Just becoming your ex would have more money than you does not mean that he is automatically given custody.

 

Third, if you start to document now the events that take place, the names he calls you by possibly recording a conversion or something, any bruises or marks he might leave on you IF he hits you again.. there is no way on god green earth that judge will ever grant him any type of custody and the only visitations he would get is MAYBE supervised a centre.

 

You need to make a plan. You need to talk to your family, neighbour, old co-worker, friend or a community shelter and get an arrangment set up for you and your children. Once you have a plan, GET OUT! LEAVE!! -- You don't even need to tell him you are leaving, pack your things in the morning (clothes ONLY -- leave the bed and the crib, you can always replace those), write a note (DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING), and leave while he is at work.

 

Men who are abusive to women only get worse as time goes on and it is NOT a life you want your children to see, especially if you have boys because there is 2 things that would happen 1) your son's grow up treating women like their father does or 2) one day your boys are going to stand up to him for you and they are going to get serverely hurt. Neither of these situations are something you want -- think about your children and worry about the financial later. There is no shame in going to a women's shelter for help until you are able to help yourself.

[DancingFool]

Umm....first of...you ARE a battered woman who is denial about being battered.

As for what to do. Start addressing things and get legal advice, which is free btw.

Go to a bankruptcy lawyer and get a consultation about your debts and what can be done, when and how.

Start looking for work. There are jobs you can do from home, there are jobs you can do part time, etc. even if it's not something you want to do or doesn't pay much, pretty much anything is better than zero at this point. Reach out to local charities and women's shelters - they have many resources, including job placement programs. There are many employers out there who will take in women in your situation and essentially lend them a hand so long as you are willing to do your part and show up for work and try your best.

Tell your family and friends the truth about your situation - it's bad. They will help you in whatever way they can. That means put away your pride and stop worrying about being inconvenient for them. People will care and help, but you have to let them.

 

In short, get your ducks in a row to leave him and do it. Also, next time (and there will be a next time if you stick around) he so much as threatens you, you need to call the cops and press charges and do not drop them. That is for the sake of the children. Courts look poorly on abusers when it comes to custody.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to stop finding all the reasons why you can't leave and find all the reasons why you can. Contact this hotline for assistance in what you can do and how to get out. link removed And finances-wise he will have to pay child support, so you need to gather information about that. And how to go about taking him to court for child support once you move out. The hotline can probably provide you with that information too, but the fact is there are a number of ways the courts can make sure he ponies up and pays for the kids or face severe consequences.

 

And yes, do all this quietly while saying nothing to him. Get an exit plan in place, call the police though if he gets violent and press charges. At that point you need to get the law involved regardless of whatever else you do. Please try to remember, you lived without this man your whole life and took care of yourself until just three short years ago. It's not as if you have never done that and even if you have children there is legal and financial help for you and them. But first you have to decide you're going to find that help and then take it.

 

Calling that hotline is a good first step.

[catfeeder]

Safe Horizon’s Domestic Violence Hotline:

800.621.HOPE (4673)