How do you deal a broken heart?

[love1985]

If you go through my prior post it will tell you the story. I just want to know how to move on and not feel numb? Not to mention I feel like everyone is either getting engaged around me or in a relationship. I just feel like life is pushing me around. I just want to get over it. Any advice is helpful.

[SooSad33]

Keep working on it.

Break ups always hurt. It's having to deal with a 'loss'. It takes time. Months.. or more.

 

Don't worry about or compare your life to anyone else's. It's not your life. Many people, at this moment are breaking up, just meeting, getting married, getting divorced.

So, don't do that.

 

Just take time to deal with yourself. Work on accepting what is. Work on your healing.. it'll take some time. But, you WILL come to accept it & start healing.

 

Relax, make sure you get your rest, get out & do things, do some 'me time'. Take it easy.

Vent if you must,, release those tears.

So may other's understand what you're feelings. You're not alone.

 

One day at a time.

[faraday]

I handled my last break up horribly. 2 1/2 years on again off again, highly dysfunctional... I cried a lot, gained weight, went on anti depressants, avoided people...did all the things you're not supposed to do.

 

But I needed to hit rock bottom.

 

One day I hit it, realized I needed change...and quit my job, applied for full time school, started watching what I was eating (it took several months for me to start losing instead of gaining- my gelato dependence needed to be weaned off slowly lol)...I started doing things with my friends again. I started working out. I read books that I had always meant to read. I watched all the shows my ex didn't want to watch when we were together. I started painting again. I got a new mattress, frame and new sheets so I wouldn't have pictorial flashbacks of my ex in my bed. I planted a garden. I bought a bunch of new glasses....and shoes...and bright colours of clothing that made me feel beautiful and sexy. I dyed my hair bright red. I found joy in my daughter, in spending time with her and my family. I started working with people with disabilities. The girl I work with now is so happy all the time...I can't help but to smile at her joy in small things (like a necklace that my daughter made for her, or ice cream, or sitting by a fire). Then I met a guy He crushed me I met another guy. He's a good man I posted on here a lot.

 

You can check out my journal if you want to see the process, love1985. If you start one, I'll read it and post.

 

It's a process.

 

I think for me, it was the hope that there was someone better out there for me....that break up was the catalyst to change my life to become the person I wanted to become. I wrapped myself in a blanket of hope....I still hold it tight. That I can be happy. And...that's what got me through it. And believing in myself, the power of my beliefs...and the belief that people are good.

[weathergirl]

This may sound harsh to some, but what has worked for me is making an effort to NOT talk about him with my friends or family, either in person, email or text. What also works is to stop creating threads and posting about him, your relationship, how he hurt you, etc. on message boards, and other forums. In short, you need to find strength within yourself to extricate from your consciousness in all ways possible. Keeping him alive in your mind and discussing him with whomever will listen keeps you STUCK.

 

Whenever we continue to talk about our ex, either in person with our friends or family or on any type of internet forum, it keeps him (or her) alive in our minds and hearts and prevents us from moving past the relationship and proceeding forward.

 

I understand the need to reach out in the beginning when the break up is fresh but after awhile, it's important to accept the break up, seek therapy if necessary and try and move on. Of course, when the break up is fresh, friends, family and even anonymous strangers on an internet forum can be great sources of support. But after awhile continuing to discuss him, the relationship, etc. just keeps us stuck and prevents us from moving forward.

 

IDK, it's worked for me.

[faraday]

I agree about the not dwelling part. When I would think about my ex in sadness, I would think about how much we fought, and how we didn't want the same things. I would push the thoughts of him down inside me....and eventually, I stopped hating him and felt indifferent.

 

My journal was one of dating and starting a new life. All the things I talked about above were things to do for me, to help me grow and learn and become me again. Make things in your life focus on moving forward...not backwards.

[GK196]

I agree with @weathergirl making an effort not to always be bringing him up, however hard it may be. Keeping yourself busy is the best tool--being alone just let's your mind wander back to him/the relationship. I've found a lot of comfort in friends, especially new friends since they won't necessarily know you in the context of the relationship.

 

I know it's really tough to do, but forcing yourself to get out of the house, try new things and meet new people really will help you feel better. At first you have zero motivation/energy to do this but once you start it gets easier!

 

Also try dating yourself for a little while: treating yourself to a massage or a new pair of shoes can feel really good. You need to love yourself and become your best friend--you are your priority!! Treat yourself like you would a best friend--would you let your BFF stay in bed all day crying? No! You'd take them out and distract them, treat them to a slice of pizza (or two) and a funny movie or whatever they needed to feel better. Be delicate with yourself, but remember you're not doing yourself any favors by staying home alone with a bottle of wine!

 

Your heart will mend. I promise. They are more resilient than we think, and very capable of loving again. Know that you are not alone feeling this way, I'm going through a similar heartbreak at the moment. Just keep in mind that everything will be ok, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel!

[love1985]

I agree about the not dwelling part. When I would think about my ex in sadness, I would think about how much we fought, and how we didn't want the same things. I would push the thoughts of him down inside me....and eventually, I stopped hating him and felt indifferent.

 

My journal was one of dating and starting a new life. All the things I talked about above were things to do for me, to help me grow and learn and become me again. Make things in your life focus on moving forward...not backwards.

 

I handled my last break up horribly. 2 1/2 years on again off again, highly dysfunctional... I cried a lot, gained weight, went on anti depressants, avoided people...did all the things you're not supposed to do.

 

But I needed to hit rock bottom.

 

One day I hit it, realized I needed change...and quit my job, applied for full time school, started watching what I was eating (it took several months for me to start losing instead of gaining- my gelato dependence needed to be weaned off slowly lol)...I started doing things with my friends again. I started working out. I read books that I had always meant to read. I watched all the shows my ex didn't want to watch when we were together. I started painting again. I got a new mattress, frame and new sheets so I wouldn't have pictorial flashbacks of my ex in my bed. I planted a garden. I bought a bunch of new glasses....and shoes...and bright colours of clothing that made me feel beautiful and sexy. I dyed my hair bright red. I found joy in my daughter, in spending time with her and my family. I started working with people with disabilities. The girl I work with now is so happy all the time...I can't help but to smile at her joy in small things (like a necklace that my daughter made for her, or ice cream, or sitting by a fire). Then I met a guy He crushed me I met another guy. He's a good man I posted on here a lot.

 

You can check out my journal if you want to see the process, love1985. If you start one, I'll read it and post.

 

It's a process.

 

I think for me, it was the hope that there was someone better out there for me....that break up was the catalyst to change my life to become the person I wanted to become. I wrapped myself in a blanket of hope....I still hold it tight. That I can be happy. And...that's what got me through it. And believing in myself, the power of my beliefs...and the belief that people are good.

Thanks so much for your input on how you handled your heartbreak. I'll have to go back through your post and read them. I've been doing things for myself. Keeping busy and going out as much as possible. It works for the moment but as you can imagine night time is the worst because I live alone. I hate the process but I have to take it day by day.

[love1985]

I'm a bit confused on your response. This forum has an entire section dedicated to support on heartbreak and healing. Shouldn't it be okay to vent and find that support here? I only really talk about him when I feel an emotional overload. Some days I'm fine others aren't so great. But I guess I see your point.

[faraday]

I'm a bit confused on your response. This forum has an entire section dedicated to support on heartbreak and healing. Shouldn't it be okay to vent and find that support here? I only really talk about him when I feel an emotional overload. Some days I'm fine others aren't so great. But I guess I see your point.

 

There are several people on here that post about an ex for years...they dwell on it..."they'll never get over it, they'll never meet anyone like ___ again" "how could this happen? we were so in love!" "I was so good to him/her, as soon as they realize it, they'll come back...right?"

 

And...that kind of stuff isn't productive to getting over someone.

 

The fact is, if someone breaks up with you...they aren't your "the one"...and often times a break up isn't actually about that person, but the realization that we have to start over, that we didn't meet "the one". Starting something new is more paralysing than letting go of the familiar...so people stay stuck in the past for months and years...wasting their lives pining for someone that rarely thinks of them...if at all....when they could just put themselves out there....you'll never meet anyone if you don't try.

 

Getting over someone is a choice. And I think that's the point of that post...she's saying (I think), choose to get over him. Choose to live your life and meet new people....choose to get over him by grieving for a bit, then letting him go. He wasn't you're the one. There's someone else meant for you.

[weathergirl]

Thanks faraday, that's pretty much exactly what I was trying to convey...thanks!

 

love1985, as I said in my first post, internet forums can be a tremendous source of support, ENA in particular I have found. But there is also a danger with forums like this. Some people use them as a crutch to fall back on, and/or as a tool to justify them continuing to discuss their ex, their feelings, their situation to the point where it becomes unhealthy. They are just not ready to "let go" or they don't want to let go...so they fall back on the internet forums for support, which again only keeps them stuck and prevents them from finding their OWN strength within to move forward on their own.

 

I was once a member of a live support group monitored by a qualified psychologist. There was a female member who used the support group as her personal sounding board in order to keep alive the memory of her ex who dumped her years ago. Clearly she was unable to "let go" and during every session, she would discuss the breakup, asking the same questions, discussing her pain, the hurt, the emptiness...this went on for three years after their break. Finally, and this may sound harsh, but the psychologist finally told her to STOP IT. She was free to keeping coming to "group" but she was forbidden from discussing her ex, how much he hurt her, how much the break up hurt her, how she is unable to move forward, etc. Continuing to discuss only served to keep her stuck and prevented her from moving forward. She ended up leaving the group. Probably found another group and started the process all over again. Just so she could keep her ex alive in her mind (and heart) because she didn't want to let go. She is now 57 years old, and last I checked she is still single and still "in love" with her ex. It's going on 7 years since their break!

 

While, again boards such as this are fantastic and it's so great we have them...but people need to be careful not to use them to fall back on when what we really need to do is to take steps to find the strength within ourselves. That is how we move forward and in the process of doing that, we learn a lot about ourselves and end up much stronger because of it.

 

I am not suggesting that is what you're doing, but you asked for advice how to move on, and this is what has worked for me and for many other people I know.

[faraday]

I stayed in my funk for about 2 months before I decided I was done being sad...when I realized I had hit rock bottom. Hopefully you won't need to grieve for a full two months like I did...it sucked

 

I like to think that for each year of a relationship, you get a month of grieving (and some people do that processing while in the relationship. I ended things with my daughters father...and I was completely over it when it ended because I had dealt with all the feelings while we were still together. It came as a shock to him, so it took him around 6 months to get out of his funk after we ended. We dated just under 6 years).

 

In theory, you'll just need a few weeks to kind of get back to feeling like yourself

 

I met the first guy about 3 1/2 months after the big break up...and the guy I've been dating about 4 1/2 months post big break up. Some people will think it's too fast...some will get it. But it's about where you are in the process....just don't get stuck

 

And when you do decide to put yourself out there...go in with an open heart. Don't hold on to the crap that this last guy dragged you through...he's so not worth tainting new ventures with (sometimes easier said than done

 

Now, go be nice to yourself

[ladybird579]

After a 16 year marriage I decided to put myself out there. Not to pull another bloke but to make friends, do things I'd always wanted to do and visit places I'd always wanted to go and the knock on of living my life how I want is I'm meeting some really nice people of both sexes. There is life after ex....there's men I'd be interested in, there is hope for a future. I have lost weight, got more active and I feel 100% better emotionally then I was in the relationship. We only decided to split in June but to be fair the marriage was over for me a long time before that so I'm not re-boundng if I met someone else. I forced myself not to wallow, to remember the bad times and get myself up and out and it has worked. It's hard, I still have bad days but it has worked 90% of the time. I'm ecstatic we are divorcing now. There's a whole world out there waiting for you.