Do I Still Have A Chance?..

[onelifeonelove]

I am not necessarily new here, and have been browsing around as a guest mostly. So anyway, I have heard about the No Contact Rule being a last resort thing to getting an ex back. I was wondering if it'll work in my situation? Long story, please read on.

 

So here I go.. I dated this girl long distance for over a year, made future plans with her, loved her very much.. Well, I SHOWED love the first half year. That was until personal problems occurred which I do not want to get into further detail. After the first half of our relationship, I slowly faded away as the sweet loving person I once was. Anger got to me, boredom got to me, jealousy got to me, and my insecurities got to me. I was an animal that I myself hate.. I didn't show her much affection, love.. Didn't spend much time with her due to me wanting some alone time. I was just not doing my part as a boyfriend.. Though, I did sometimes, the other times I didn't..

 

The other half of our time together was just enough for her to call it quits. She gave up, she just gave up.. When she told me she couldn't take it anymore, she was crying saying she still wants to be friends and maybe one day we'll reconcile. She still wanted to talk daily still as if we'd still be a couple, minus all the lovey dovey shinnanigans.

 

She told me she wants me to change, and even hopes for it to happen. She warned me many times but my stupid arrogance got in the way and allowed me to not take action in doing so. Well guess what, I wanna thank her for this. It has hit me so hard, that I not only see it now, but I feel it too. I feel the beast in me. I feel it and I see it. Before, I would just see it and shrug it off. Now.. I want to change. No, I NEED to change. For who? For myself but ALSO for HER!! I want her back in my life not just because I feel like it, but because she is the one. She is perfect. Our future plans were perfect. Her smile is perfect. Her heart is of gold. Everything just everything.. Perfect.

 

Problem is? She's talking to another guy online. States that it's nice to have someone who actually wants to talk to you, understands you, and supports you. But wait, she only knows him for over a week. She's already talking like he's the one or may be the one. Can you really go from crying your feelings out (not just when she broke up with me, but another time when she didn't want me to leave her city), to "we're done sorry but we can only be friends for now"?

 

She needed her space. But it was only a couple of days. I did all the begging blah blah blah. But I stopped. When she called me after those few days, we talked for hours. But then, before she left, I told her that I need a break. I need to focus on myself and I need to better myself as a person. So I accidentally told her I'll contact her in 2 months or so (I didn't know a date but I said it anyway). I should have not provided a time period but oh well.

 

So my question is, do I really stand a chance? Is this guy a rebound or something more? She talked to him a week after we broke up btw. I'm going full NC and focusing on my school and my personal problems. But how long? Do I wait until she contacts me first or? She's the dumper and I'm the dumpee so...

 

I miss her.

[3Tears]

No contact is NOT the last resort thing to getting an ex back, its for you to heal and move on with your life.

 

You need to implement no contact and work on yourself, getting an ex back while on NC is just a "side effect" of it to put it in a way.

 

95% of the time an ex contacts you they're just breadcrumbs, meaningless texts/calls, you don't wait for her to text/call, you move forward. If you really want to get back with her next time she initiates contact (notice I said she initiates) then you ask her to go out somewhere with you to catch up on things, if she says no then you're fine with it and cut the conversation short, you do this 2 times, next times she initiate contact you re do the same thing, if she says no or shes wishy washy, you tell her its fine and cut the conversation short and you never do that again, you keep moving forward, walk away and never look back.

[onelifeonelove]

Give an example of "initiating" contact vs "breadcrumbs"? Good idea but the thing is, I live far from her but maybe just maybe, I'll still risk the drive to meet her in person. After all, I do want to be friends with her at the minimum. It hurts to know she likes someone else but does she really? Maybe it's just a rebound but the guy does happen to be nicer than most guys out there which scares me..

[3Tears]

You won't risk the drive because it has to be a definite date, she has to agree to meet up in person with you. You can't be her friend, sorry to tell you this but it won't work, maybe in a few years when feelings have died between you guys and even then you could have trouble with a current partner and vice versa on how you guys are being "friends" which may lead to more BS drama.

 

It could be a rebound, it could not be a rebound, that doesn't matter at all.

[onelifeonelove]

Yeah that's what I meant. I believe that it will most likely happen. The spark could reignite if she agrees to a date. The friend part, I feel I can get over her being with someone else, just not now. Maybe 6 months later down the road. I don't want to lose someone so special to me. I care about her as a person too so I want to know how she's doing every now and then.

[ohboo]

I'm not sure if this will help you, but I'm basically the girl in your story, and I deeply regret breaking up with my ldr bf.

 

I barely even need to describe the situation, because it's yours exactly. He showed me so much love in the beginning, but in the end bits, he'd become distant because of some life, work, financial problems that he was having a hard time dealing with. I tried talking to him about stuff, but he was embarrassed or something and found it hard to talk about. I couldn't help him, or work through it if he wouldn't talk. I felt afraid that he was going to dump me, because he was becoming distant and it felt like he just wasn't interested anymore. We are a flight away, not a drive away, so visits were harder than a drive. He was so upset when I pulled the plug, he even cried and apologized. But, I just couldn't see how it was going to work out if he couldn't talk to me about it.

 

He wanted to still talk, but in our case, I said it wouldn't be a good idea because if he didn't want to be with me, I needed to move on. He never actually said he didn't want to be with me, I was just so afraid I was going to get hurt because it seemed he wasn't into me, that I had to bolt. I couldn't take not knowing what was going on, or how he felt. He told me how he felt when I was breaking it off, but part of me figured it was too late. I also felt he needed time to sort out his stuff before we could be happy together, or we'd end up resenting each other if our ldr caused him extra stress on top of what he already had.

 

In any case, I'm the girl in your story, and I regret breaking it off. I don't know you or your situation, but maybe she didn't really want to do it, and just felt she had to? I don't even want to move on, because I can't picture feeling the way I felt about him, about anyone else right now.

 

I'm too afraid to contact mine and tell him I feel I made a mistake, because he did finally admit in our last talk that he needed to work his stuff out. So, I'm afraid he's now decided he doesn't want me. With the distance, I'm not even sure we'll have another chance. I desperately want one, and want to tell him exactly how I'm feeling, and that I bolted because I was afraid… but, I'm too afraid ironically…

 

I think for you, that you should actually take a few weeks to work on yourself. Contacting her now, and saying how you feel, may not be good because it won't seem sincere. Not a lot of work can be done on a person in a few days. If she really cared about you, she'll still be around in a few weeks. Talking to some guy online, is not something real to be worried about. In a few weeks, if you still feel she's the one, then reach out, ask for that meet up, and explain to her that you've been working on yourself, and plan to continue to, and ask for another chance.

 

I wish I had the balls to reach out to my guy and tell him I want him back

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah that's what I meant. I believe that it will most likely happen. The spark could reignite if she agrees to a date. The friend part, I feel I can get over her being with someone else, just not now. Maybe 6 months later down the road. I don't want to lose someone so special to me. I care about her as a person too so I want to know how she's doing every now and then.

 

You don't want to lose her? She's already gone.

 

I'd advise you to actually work on changing instead of saying you can and should. Who knows, in six months of working on yourself, maybe you two might get back together.

[3Tears]

I wish I had the balls to reach out to my guy and tell him I want him back

 

 

Its a risk you have to take, after all you're the one who dumped him. Do it.

[onelifeonelove]

Thank you for the story, it helps me a lot to get a better understanding! I feel like she just didn't get enough attention, because she does have low self esteem. Even though I'm mean when we're far apart, in person, I'm the most nicest thing ever. She even admitted that. I look out for her, I hold doors for her, I do sweet random things for her, I tell her she's beautiful and everything. She loves how I am in person. But why am I such an ass far apart.. It's like a psychological barrier I don't even know.. Anyways, I wasn't planning on reaching our until 4-6 weeks has passed. I'm on Day 3 and it's really hard. I see girls that resemble her and I can't help but to think of her..

 

And it would be nice if we can talk personally about this as we're both on opposite sides of the story, and I feel like we can help each other out a lot. I need comfort and I need understanding..

[onelifeonelove]

You don't want to lose her? She's already gone.

 

I'd advise you to actually work on changing instead of saying you can and should. Who knows, in six months of working on yourself, maybe you two might get back together.

 

She isn't gone, she's still there with feelings and is still there as friends. After NC, who knows what'll happen. And I'm not just saying I'll change, I'm actually working on changing. I've already accepted that I'm a douchebag in my own ways, and that needs to change.

[ohboo]

onelifeonelove, feel free to private message me. I'm happy to discuss this with you if you'd like.

 

3Tears, I can't contact him… it's just too complicated, and I've said too much already when I was upset and frustrated. He ended up agreeing with me, and basically finalized breaking up the second time we chatted about it. Being that it's long distance (a flight away), I can't just say let's get back together I take back everything I said, because some of our issues (ie. the distance and no money for trips right now) is still in the way. Some of our situation was causing him extra stress, and now that I've brought up the issues, he's just going to associate them with more stress that he can't handle… I'm not sure there's a way of fixing this...

[onelifeonelove]

onelifeonelove, feel free to private message me. I'm happy to discuss this with you if you'd like.

 

3Tears, I can't contact him… it's just too complicated, and I've said too much already when I was upset and frustrated. He ended up agreeing with me, and basically finalized breaking up the second time we chatted about it. Being that it's long distance (a flight away), I can't just say let's get back together I take back everything I said, because some of our issues (ie. the distance and no money for trips right now) is still in the way. Some of our situation was causing him extra stress, and now that I've brought up the issues, he's just going to associate them with more stress that he can't handle… I'm not sure there's a way of fixing this...

 

I don't know how to PM, i can't seem to find an option! Do you have Skype or any messaging platforms??

[ohboo]

I'd prefer not to give out that info of mine on here… I've been able to private message others on here, but you don't have a private message button on your profile for some reason?

 

Can anyone offer assistance here on how to private message?

[professorplum]

When you are new, it takes so many messages and so many days of membership before the private message facility is available. Not sure exactly how many.

[ohboo]

Ah, makes sense. Onelifetolive, I assume you are new on here and that's why the private message function is not available as of yet. Perhaps after a few more days on here, or a few more posts, it'll become available. When that happens, please feel free to message me. Thank you professorplum!

[onelifeonelove]

I'd prefer not to give out that info of mine on here… I've been able to private message others on here, but you don't have a private message button on your profile for some reason?

 

Can anyone offer assistance here on how to private message?

 

When you are new, it takes so many messages and so many days of membership before the private message facility is available. Not sure exactly how many.

 

If she PM's me, will I get it?? If so, can you try that boo? I feel so lonely about this and I need someone who can relate who I can personally talk to.

[Kuala]

Sorry, I thought you are the dumper. I know they need attention, especially from their partner (my realization from BU as well). I also taken my ex for granted becoz of those stupid games. While we are together all I did was to play games & havent spent quality time with her. But that was just recently.First 5 years was good for both of us. But what I learned from this site is there are really no assurance if the relationship is good or bad if they want to get out, they will find reasons to get you out of their life. Some people here had been good to their partner but still their ex dumped them. There are some that cheated on their partner but still get their ex back. My point is if they really love you they will come back to you.

 

Since you have been the dumpee & you promise to contact her after 2 months, then try to contact her & fix things with her. But as I said, if she says that she is dating someone already, you must STOP. Give her all the time & space she wants. Time to really go NC becoz making contact with her would just push her away & I am sure you dont want that to happen since you really want her in your life.

[onelifeonelove]

I'd prefer not to give out that info of mine on here… I've been able to private message others on here, but you don't have a private message button on your profile for some reason?

 

Can anyone offer assistance here on how to private message?

 

When you are new, it takes so many messages and so many days of membership before the private message facility is available. Not sure exactly how many.

 

Sorry, I thought you are the dumper. I know they need attention, especially from their partner (my realization from BU as well). I also taken my ex for granted becoz of those stupid games. While we are together all I did was to play games & havent spent quality time with her. But that was just recently.First 5 years was good for both of us. But what I learned from this site is there are really no assurance if the relationship is good or bad if they want to get out, they will find reasons to get you out of their life. Some people here had been good to their partner but still their ex dumped them. There are some that cheated on their partner but still get their ex back. My point is if they really love you they will come back to you.

 

Since you have been the dumpee & you promise to contact her after 2 months, then try to contact her & fix things with her. But as I said, if she says that she is dating someone already, you must STOP. Give her all the time & space she wants. Time to really go NC becoz making contact with her would just push her away & I am sure you dont want that to happen since you really want her in your life.

 

I'm sorry to hear that man. I just hate when people say "you learn from your past relationships". Yes you do learn from them but why always start new when you can try and work it out? If it fails again then it is indeed failure ya know? I still feel like I deserve a second chance idk..

 

Each and everyday of this NC period, I'm slowly learning things about myself and I'm going to improve so much. The thing about her is, she supposedly isn't gonna date until she's done with school. That's 8-10 months from now. I don't know if it can change or if it's something set on stone. But what do I do with this new guy in her life? She isn't dating him just remember that. But she would like to date him if she really likes him. It's really hard for me to decide my next move after NC. It would have been easier if she never met him in the first place.

 

I'm just so lost. I am not giving up on her. It is my duty to win her back. I messed up sure. But I'm gonna fix it. I'm gonna fix all of it. I'm gonna treat her so good if and when she falls back into my arms. When the time comes, good bye games. Good bye friends. I'm limiting everything but of course I'm not giving up everything.

 

The heart can really make you do crazy things..

[3Tears]

Yeah, with this scarcity attitude you're getting nowhere with her.

[onelifeonelove]

Yeah, with this scarcity attitude you're getting nowhere with her.

 

What do you mean by this?

[3Tears]

The key of getting an ex back is not trying to get them back, its to let them go and move on... When a relationship dies, IT DIES. Over, done.

 

You need to move on with your life, you NEED to give up on her and move on, if she has interest in you she might try to come back to you and that's when you'll get her back.

[Kuala]

You must accept things. Accept that the relationship is over. You are just prolonging the pain if you continue thinking of doing things for her. Keep in mind that you are doing all these changes for YOU & probably the next partner maybe someone new or maybe your ex, no one can tell.

 

Although she is your ex & you know alot about her, but still you dont know what she is thinking. You dont know if she will date someone or not. And if she decided to date someone, remember she is single now she can do what she want to do.

 

What to do with this new man? Nothing! What else can you do?

 

Just a warning. You will not heal if you keep on thinking about your ex & what she is doing with the new guy. You're only hurting yourself & probably setting yourself up for disappointment. You are showing weakness. You must show them that you love yourself, that you have dignity & self respect. These are attracting attitudes.

[Kuala]

The key of getting an ex back is not trying to get them back, its to let them go and move on... When a relationship dies, IT DIES. Over, done.

 

You need to move on with your life, you NEED to give up on her and move on, if she has interest in you she might try to come back to you and that's when you'll get her back.

 

Just like 3Tears, we learned it the hard way! Making contact after some time of NC just backfired on us & prolonged the healing. There is now way to get an ex back. All you can do is get yourself back. Let this experience be your strength! Let it mold you to become the best version of yourself. Dont try to get an ex back especially if you are the dumpee, they must crawl back if they realized that they really want you in their life. If not, then its ok, we learned from this experiences & will become much better for our future partners. Just be positive & be strong! You'll come to these realizations as time passes without her in your life. Doing NC and time will heal us.

[onelifeonelove]

Thank you guys for the replies. I'm going to try and see NC as a way to help myself only. As of now, I see it as both ways. Which technically, it is. But yeah, I'll try my best to move on with my life. She even told me she wants someone strong in her life. I was strong with her, but now I'm weak without her. She sees it, but I'm gonna change. Just remember this is my very first love and my first heartbreak. I've never even lost a loved one before in my entire life so this is extremely difficult for me to cope.

 

I'm just so thankful for friends family and you guys on this forum. You all have helped me a lot and made me feel less lonely. I appreciate each and every reply, it makes me see reality and not some fantasy I have made up in my own mind.

 

So thanks again. Keep them coming if possible. Slap me into reality, because I'm just living in a fairy tale at the moment. But one thing for sure is, she will always have a special place in my heart whether or not I get her back.

 

A journey to happiness begins once "again".

[Kuala]

Same here. First love, first heartbreak, first time experiencing this kind of feeling, you are not the only one experiencing this, but if this doesnt happen, I'll never realize my problems, what I lack when I am in a relationship & all the things I need to do to improve myself.

 

Just one more thing, remember this is going to be a rollercoaster ride, sometimes you are OK, sometimes you feel so numb and shaking with what happened in your relationship & all the memories with her. Still feeling this way but I am staying positive. Learn to love yourself first before loving other people. I know its hard as I am still strugling to get over her but we need to be strong. Just hang in there & dont let weakness take over your life..