NC Advice

[Thoma]

I need some advice on a break up I have been posting about. Basically, with a girl for a year in Ohio and she moved to NY for a job after she had no luck finding one post graduation in Ohio. We have been trying to make it work long distance and it has been a rocky ride. We will have a few good days then a lot of concern about the future and no solution. Some days it is nothing bout love and happiness and then some days it is arguing about not be able to talk enough and dedication. Although I know we are both still in love with each other, I know neither can make an immediate move because of our careers and lives. Deep down I truly know I need to try and face the reality that it won't work out and we need to move on. I've tried no contact before because I know it is best solution but she will contact me after a few days and I always respond. I know it will suck to go complete no contact but I just know we will just be dragging this on until one of us devastates the other! Anyone have some advice or positive reinforcement for me on moving forward and sticking to no contact. I made a big step by unfriending her on Facebook because I would tend to check up on her. I think my main concern is pretty normal her being with or finding someone else. Anything positive or informative would help! thx!

[JGintheOC]

If you can't be with each other and also can't handle long distance.

 

Save yourself the drama and heart ache and just break up.

 

it's not always a bad thing to break up based on circumstance but its just pointless to keep the charade up.

[Edmund Exley]

Stop focusing on her finding someone else. I assure you she will one day, and I assure you that you wont die when it happens. Go find someone else for your self. Everything happens for a reason, and this simply wasn't meant to be.

[freewill1234]

I think my main concern is pretty normal her being with or finding someone else. Anything positive or informative would help! thx!

 

It's very natural to think this way and she might find someone else, she might not. Who knows. You should try and concentrate more on yourself and not what she's doing. Go NC and block her on FB if you have too. This is the only way for you to move forward.

[t1lersm0m1]

The best piece of advice is stick to no contact. You can tell her ahead of time that you are doing it, and then just do it. You guys aren't happy with things the way they are, and they aren't likely to change anytime soon.

[Thoma]

Thanks for all the input... I'm going to really try and put in 100% effort to no contact and I think she will refrain this time after the rollercoaster ride we have been on. Like I said, I unfriended her from FB today which is a huge step. I read some great advice that will help here. Also, I read on another thread something that applies well ... when you start to miss her or think about her with someone else always remember at what cost it was available to you. In my case, it was constant worrying and a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

[catfeeder]

If your decision is that your life where you're currently located is too important to give up to resolve the distance issue, then throw yourself into your life where it is in order to confirm your decision.

 

You know that sitting on the fence is what is stagnating you, so step off that thing and move your focus where you've decided that it belongs.

 

Grief is natural. It's not as though you won't suffer the loss, you will. It's not as though it won't take some time to feel motivated, it will. But give it your best shot, dedicate a certain amount of your time to putting your grief aside and showing up for friends and family--you don't need to 'entertain,' just focus on forming good bonds and feeling a sense of accomplishment in giving someone else your best.

 

The goal is to grieve less over time and to strengthen the other relationships that are valuable to you. You can't move forward if your focus is fixed on hoping your ex won't do the same. If she's THAT valuable to you, and she's MORE valuable than what you can focus on in your own life then make a different choice and resolve the distance issue.

 

You can't have it both ways, so focus on your choice and WORK it.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you guys actually broken up?

[Thoma]

I know I have to focus on either closing the distance or being happy with where I'm at. That's been the problem, I know closing the distance is highly unlikely with our careers but we have both been talking like it will take time but we will eventually do it. That's been a huge issue, there is no solution in place just both speaking in terms of hope. That's been the cause of arguments and the roller coaster ride having no solution and deep inside I KNOW I need to let us both go are separate ways (if we keep just hoping we will just worry all the time until eventually one of us does something to hurt the other). Initially, it was hard because thinking of her being in NY I felt she would have so many more opportunities to meet people and build relationships. I now know I can't think that way though and need to focus on me and the only way to do that is go NC completely. The "broken up" thing is no direct answer.. when she left I said I couldn't do it, then we decided we would try and through the arguments it's been on and off. Still "I love you" after all conversations that's why I feel the NC would be HARD and currently is but is the only solution

[Ms Darcy]

If closing the distance is unlikely, I think you should end the relationship and go no contact.