Almost 3 Weeks into NC - an update

[star554]

So if you had a relationship that was anything like mine, where you break up make up break up make up god knows how many times... then, well, it's probably really hard to imagine sticking to NC. I mean the pattern suggests sooner or later this will break and one of you is bound to make contact. That's the mindset I started NC with, that this is a competition and sooner or later we will talk. And I think a part of me, three weeks later, still thinks that... but you know what, I'm admitting it out loud for the first time ever, here and now, that we won't.

 

Here's why... I didn't stick to true NC. I still looked him up on Facebook and Instagram. And you know what? I saw MANY things that I didn't like. But the biggest hit came last night, when I saw him with his new girlfriend and little sister. I realized that he had already introduced her to his family... something he hadn't done with me in 4 years. I was with my friends and we laughed it off. I shrugged it off... saying eventually... he def will come back although I was losing hope. The truth is I only want him to come back to satisfy my own pride - that it wasn't something I was lacking. I don't actually think I can forgive him and actually happily ever be with him even if I was ever given the choice. But I wanted to reject him, like he rejected me.

 

But the final blow to set me straight just came. I had blocked him off of every social media/email site I could think of. One thing I had left him on was an online game we played together. It was a small thing but I think I did it purposely thinking that if he ever saw me online maybe just maybe he will be tempted to say hi. And for the record, he has been online a lot this week and he saw me.. but we didn't say anything. Then finally I logged on tonight and realized that I had been blocked.

 

That's when I realized that he has no intention of making nice, apologizing or trying to keep me in his life. Something so little made me finally realize that. I had been making up excuses... I blocked him on everything so he probably doesn't have any means to contact me. Why didn't he call? He was probably embarrassed and afraid how I would react.

 

Where does this lead me? For one thing, it has gotten me to say a couple of things that I had been scared to say out loud. He didn't message me because he doesn't care. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He doesn't want to be friends.

 

Tbh, 3 weeks later. I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel! Am I suppose to be angry? Because I don't feel angry, not constantly anyways. I feel mad/sad when I describe something to my friends about him... sometimes relieved, sometimes sad because I miss some times we spent together. I am working on improving myself... working out and stuff in an effort to improve my own self image - but god, it makes me sad when I think he'll never see the "new" me. So basically... I'm still a little lost. I don't know what is appropriate to feel.. or how to react? I'm just kind of bleh at this point. I smile, I cry, but everything feels so superficial like these surface emotions are not genuine. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's honestly the best way I can describe it.

 

A couple of close calls but I've maintained NC and haven't made any attempts to contact him. So for that, I do feel proud - I feel like my self-control is improving.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you are in a little bit of denial about the relationship being over.

[stuka80]

Good job so far, but 3 weeks is not even the end of the beginning, its still brand new. You've got a long road ahead, it will get tougher, you will be tempted more than once and sometimes the urge will be overwhelming. But for your own sake and well being dont give in, no matter how painful it gets keep your discipline and self control intact. Just know that like trying to get rid of any type of addiction, it will get worse before it gets better, but all the hardship you will go through and all the pain and suffering will not be for nothing. What you have to go through will be for your own benefit and that it will make you a better person and hopefully a wiser person. You will thank yourself after this is all over that you had enough discipline and conviction to stick it through and your mind will be clear and ready to start fresh with a person who will appreciate you better. Keep up the good work and good luck.

[Flyer79]

Keep up the good work, almost 3 weeks too for me and the last few days I think I have finally accepted everything and now over the shock of it all.

 

But I know I will have to contact him eventually, and it will be a matter of me being the 'bigger person'.

 

I have joined some dating sites and been talking to some nice guys, but not ready to meet anyone just yet.

[star554]

You're probably right. But I think that feeling is there on a subconscious level that I can't control. Believe me, I try to tell myself it's over whenever anything else crosses my mind... but that being said, other thoughts DO cross my mind. How do you stop those? Ofc I'm keeping busy and doing all I can to not think about him or our relationship. But I still find those thoughts creeping up on me.

[star554]

@Flyer79 Good work to you too But why will you have to contact him eventually?

[Flyer79]

@Flyer79 Good work to you too But why will you have to contact him eventually?

 

We still have belongings at one another's houses. We also have mutual friends and our paths will cross because of that. So I feel it would be a little less awkward when those situations arise to break the ice before hand and work on being friends or friendly at least for now.

 

I hope you are holding up ok