To anyone who would read.

[Charlotte12]

Five entire months since the news hit me. It was the biggest punch in the face. In the beginning I was so shocked...but then when the other person came along and I found out...it was worse. Not only did I lost my best friend and partner but he was already in another relationship. I have changed in this time. I am sure you did too. Sometimes I come accross pictures of you. That hurts like hell. I can't be a part of your life anymore, and you can't be a part of mine either. I really wanted for you to be by my side and these five months do not represent the love we shared in our relationship. You were caring, loving and stood by my side through our six year relationship. I don't know what happened to you the days prior to our break up. I don't know what happened to you afterwards. I remember how I couldn't go a day without telling you things...I know the old you would be so happy to see that I am finally getting rid of those panic attacks. That I am working hard to beat anxiety even though what happened with you, made things worst. I know you would be happy of how I am exercising now and how you always told me it was really good for my health. I know how you would be surprised of how I came back to my old self (before anxiety issues). I know you would see me stronger. I am stronger...I have dealt with a lot of stuff. I am proud of me now. I fell and I could get up. It was not easy at all...but I think I did my best to start recovering. I know the old you would be happy for me and for my achievements. I also had a lot of other things going on but those are the major ones. But now you seem to be the same but different. I don't really think you care about how I am doing. I am sure your little nephew and my godson make it hard for you when asking about me. Your mom, and grandma may have given you a hard time when they found out the truth (You left me for another woman, even though you didn't say so to the family or to me and we all find out in the worst possible way: Through a damn facebook picture). Maybe you just don't care. Maybe you have achieved to put a wall in your head as if I had died. You may know who I was in your life but...I am not there anymore. You killed me in your head. Well...I am strong now but I cannot forget what happened. In my mind, I am still trying hard to forgive you and it is really hard. I don't want to hate you forever, you know? After all, I don't think you are a bad guy. I just think you made a mistake with somebody who didnt deserve it. I don't want to see a picture of you and cry for an hour anymore...but I still do. I don't want to be scared of knowing something about you and the new woman you left me for. I think I have suffered enough, really. I know, I may have made some mistakes too. I am not perfect, not even close to perfect actually. But I am sure, I never wanted to hurt anyone in my life. I just don't think about harming others...so...how is it that you, that gentle, kind, generous person forgot about this simple thing: do not hurt people, especially people who love you. And if I did hurt someone...I wouldn't go running away from what I did. People in my life are valuable to me. I just don't have a lot family so I really value the people in my life.

 

To be honest, there was no day, in these five months that I had the chance not to think of you. Some days I managed to have more positive thoughts and remembered our relationship (all that good stuff I got to live with you) but there were other days, where I still thought "Why?" "Why did you do this?" "Don't you have a heart anymore?" "Where did your love for me go?" "Don't you care?" and many many many more questions that would make this post a never ending question list. I know I won't find answers...but my inner person still wants to know. As if knowing would change a thing. I know it won't take away the pain. But maybe in my head I could have some peace knowing why.

 

I want to thank you all (reading people at enotalone, or may I just say friends now?) thank you for your unconditional support even though many of you live in different parts of the planet, you still have managed not to make me feel alone. I learned so much from different stories...and something really valuable I learnt was that many people was going through the same. A humble advice I would give to anyone in my position is: There is no magical cure for pain in this case. You just have to live it, go through it...and in some ways...embrace it. Don't hold it in, because that pain makes you ill. I can't say I know the reason why this happened to me, but I still think there's something big behind it. Some true I need to discover. Don't think the pain is just pain...it is over here to teach something. Another thing I learnt, is if you don't learn now, you will get hit with the same thing over and over again.

 

I will stay here in this site...and for sure, I will bother you with this again. This is still a very big issue in my life. I have my own ranting session every now and then and it helps. But what I want to tell you, is that you will get better. Especially, if you protect yourselves. No need for you to contact this person who has left you. I have big love for him in spite of everything that happened and how he dissappeared from my life. But I don't need to let him see my pain. I don't need to crawl and beg for love. And my heart still would love for things to be different...but I know how hard I worked all this time and contacting him would only cause a lot of sadness for me. And it will for you too.

 

Hugs to all of you. BE STRONG!

[Ms Darcy]

The less you can focus on him, his thoughts and perceptions, the more you can focus on you and move on.

 

I think it sounds like the break up has helped you become a more independent, stronger person. Congrats.

[2Broken]

I am going through the same thing now 4 months in and it is killing me still. I love this man with my heart and soul and I just can't make myself hate him.

 

My heart breaks every single day and I still have days where I get out of bed and have to tell myself to breathe even if I don't want to.

 

I have taken up hobbies to keep me busy and have started walking 5k every day. I have lost 33lbs and people tell me I am a great looking woman. Although I feel like a piece of crap most days. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again. I am 51 and there just isn't the inventory of men for women my age. I have looked at the dating sites but not for me. Plus I am so not ready to date yet anyway.

 

So yes I know exactly what you are going through and my heart and hugs go out to you.