Very first experience at age 24. What on earth do I do now?

[BHarris]

This is my first post on here and I'm a basket case. I'm turning 24 in a week and this last Thursday was the very first time I've ever even kissed a girl. We have been part of the same church volleyball group for over a year. 2 Thursdays ago I invited her out with me and my friend and she met us at a local bar. Around 1 we leave and she comes back to my place, eats, and watches a movie staying at my house until 4am. We got along good. A week later I invite her out again with a couple of our volleyball friends, same bar. We all go back to my house and eat. They all head home leaving just the 2 of us. We had been drinking moderately. About 6 beers each over the course of the night. We swim in my pool for a while, play Zelda which we both love, all until about 3:30 where we sit on the couch and my back is propped on her shins. We switch spots and I'm now holding her in my arms while we watch funny YouTube videos on my tv. At about 4:45 she starts showing me videos of her second cousin that she regularly watches. I've watched and become attached to my neighbors kids and watching other peoples kids is the main thing we had in common that we talked about. As we were sitting there i said that I admired how she stepped in and watched the kid and how it reminded me of the way I take care of the neighbor kids. I said she'd make a great mom some day and she said no, her kids won't like her and said she prolly won't have any cuz she's not even pretty which isn't true. So I said nonsense and said how astounding I found her looks and character. I then leaned her back in my arms and kissed her. We continued this until about 5:30 am when we fell asleep in each other's arms holding hands all night. Kissing was as far as we went and that was a big deal for me to have my first kiss followed by several more and falling asleep together. She then said she was too warm in her sweater and I offered her a t shirt I had changed out of earlier? It was dArk but I said I'd look away while she changed tops and did as I said. I woke her up at 930 for work as asked and with both of us unquestionably sober, we kissed several more times before I walked her to her car. As she left she said I should come eat at her work later and she texted me around 3 to say it wasn't busy come on up. I let her order for me and tipped 10 on a 10 dollar bill. I knew she had plans with her friend that night so after I thanked her I resumed my errands. That was Friday. Then yesterday I texted her good morning and asked if she had a nice time to which she replied yes we did. I then tried to invite her to a small party my friend was throwing. She texted that she already had plans which she mentioned were tentative as she left Thursday. I've not heard from her since and her 2am Facebook post was about what a great time she was having with her acquaintances tagged. It was a mixed gender group of 5. How should I interpret this and did I make any mistakes. After my one first time sleeping with (again, not sex, just sleeping and kissing) somebody, my couch feels like it's mad of ice and I haven't been able to sleep or eat since I ate at her work Friday. It's now Sunday morning. What's happening to me and what's her deal. I had vowed to be alone my whole life to avoid these games and suspense. Did I make a mistake by breaking my number 1 rule and sharing a night with somebody I cared about. She is also aware of my lack of experience. Please help, I really need advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

[jjkk]

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Why not text or call her again today? After having some conversation w/ her, ask her out again for later in the week. Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

[BHarris]

Everything I've read online and says the longer I go without talking to them, the more "interesting" I am and that no matter how much chemistry there is, that's what has to be done and that trying to invite her anywhere in the following days makes you seem needy. I hate games. Why can't ppl just be real?

[jjkk]

The reality is is that everyone is different. People who are real and seeking a real connection w/ others want you to be real w/ them. I personally lose interest very quickly if the guy isn't in contact frequently (this doesn't mean every second of every day). I have no idea what she's like in this regard. After what you've explained I'd be hoping for a call or text today. It doesn't mean ask to meet up again today, just a brief conversation touching base w/ her. If the conversation goes well, asking her out for later in the week (like Friday or Saturday) would be completely appropriate.

 

What isn't attractive is being needy. I don't think a brief conversation today with plans later in the week seems needy at all. Going too long w/out contact or meeting up again runs the risk that she feels like you really aren't very interested and loses interest as well. Let me know what how things go!

[BHarris]

I appreciate a female perspective like no other and am grateful beyond words. I fear I already fatally wounded this by inviting her to the same get together 3 times. Each time was a different day but her first 2 responses were vague. I took her actions that night and the day after as a sign she was serious

[jjkk]

Since her answers were vague, it's only natural you'd bring it up again. Don't obsess about it, it's all going to be OK! I know it's easier said than done (not obsessing), lol. If she likes you and she's interested it'd take more than clarifying an invitation to fatally wound the possibility of a relationship.

 

So what did you decide to do?

[BHarris]

Since her answers were vague, it's only natural you'd bring it up again. Don't obsess about it, it's all going to be OK! I know it's easier said than done (not obsessing), lol. If she likes you and she's interested it'd take more than clarifying an invitation to fatally wound the possibility of a relationship.

 

So what did you decide to do?

 

Went out with like 5 other friends and threw an "awesome fun night" status on Facebook tagging her friends which were 2 females and 3 males. I don't know whether or not to be put off by that.

[jjkk]

No I don't see a reason to be put off by that.

[faraday]

If she keeps declining outings with groups of people and you, perhaps she's hoping for a one on one date with you?

[BHarris]

I don't mean to condescend or seem judgmental, but would you go out with a bunch of guys and spam Facebook with it if you liked a guy that wasn't there. I know I just made it sound like a crime but I'm just putting it simply.

[faraday]

Umm...if they were my friends...yes. You need to get a grip on your jealousy. She's allowed to have friends. Even if you end up exclusively dating...she's still allowed to have friends.

[BHarris]

Oh goodness, that's NOT how I meant it at aaaalllllllll It's just the timing of it all. Is there jealousy, I've got no reason to lie to you kind folks, I'll admit it. But uncertainty is what's dominant over jealousy, by a long shot. If I knew there was a reason to be jealous, I'd be able to work on getting over it. It's the uncertainty that's killing me.

[jjkk]

Oh goodness, that's NOT how I meant it at aaaalllllllll It's just the timing of it all. Is there jealousy, I've got no reason to lie to you kind folks, I'll admit it. But uncertainty is what's dominant over jealousy, by a long shot. If I knew there was a reason to be jealous, I'd be able to work on getting over it. It's the uncertainty that's killing me.

 

So text or call her already! You can wallow in uncertainty for as long as you choose. A simple text or phone call can help bring some clarity. If she responds positively, sigh...relief and if she doesn't, at least you have your answer. No more stressing out in uncertainty.

[faraday]

Sorry text is flat and I misread what you were saying.

 

The only way you'll know is to ask her out on an alternate date. I mean, you've asked her to the same event a few times but she's busy...so try a different date. If she's busy then and doesn't say, "I can't on Saturday- how about Tuesday?" You move on.

[BHarris]

Sorry text is flat and I misread what you were saying.

 

The only way you'll know is to ask her out on an alternate date. I mean, you've asked her to the same event a few times but she's busy...so try a different date. If she's busy then and doesn't say, "I can't on Saturday- how about Tuesday?" You move on.

 

So I shouldn't wait a day or so to not seem needy or wait for her to text? And if she says busy, but doesn't suggest an alternative it's over, give up? Again, don't want flat text to make it sound like I'm belittling your advice. This is my legit summarization of your advice to make sure I got it right.

[faraday]

I would say something like,"since you're not sure about ____, how about we ____on ____ instead?" And you can send it now, and if she doesn't reply with a yes or a no and an alternative (meaning, if she makes up an excuse and doesn't offer alternatives) give up.

[BHarris]

I'm so nervous, I went 24 years without so much as holding anybody's hand then suddenly she's sleeping in my arms wearing my shirt. No matter how long I wait, it won't make a difference?

[jjkk]

Of course you're nervous, that's normal! You won't suddenly be not nervous so you'll have to bite the bullet when you're feeling nervous. As far as how long you wait not making a difference? Well, if you wait too long, she may see that as you being not interested and lose interest. You don't want that!

[BHarris]

Every trustworthy person I ask from friends that are clearly good at this to the neighbors whose kids I watch say wait til were in the same place Wednesday night to contact again.

[jjkk]

OK, well when you do, let us know how it goes!

 

I'm quite a bit older than you (40) and don't have as much time to dink around w/ games so maybe the younger ones here can give you a more realistic perspective on a timeline. I just know that between today and Wednesday if another guy I've also been interested in contacts me and asks me out, that's more likely where more of my interest will be going. I'd consider the lack of contact to indicate not very interested.

[BHarris]

I don't know whose advice to take anymore........

[BHarris]

OK, well when you do, let us know how it goes!

 

I'm quite a bit older than you (40) and don't have as much time to dink around w/ games so maybe the younger ones here can give you a more realistic perspective on a timeline. I just know that between today and Wednesday if another guy I've also been interested in contacts me and asks me out, that's more likely where more of my interest will be going. I'd consider the lack of contact to indicate not very interested.

 

How do I balance that with not seeming needy?

[faraday]

I'm 31, and i feel the same as jjkk. You reap what you sow, so if you play games, be prepared for games back.

 

If you have to play games to keep someone's interest, they really aren't all that interested, are they though?

[BHarris]

I know you guys are right. These games are what I was doing a good job at avoiding for 24 years

[jjkk]

Idk, like I said I'm an entire generation older than you and just don't have time for waiting type games anymore so maybe some younger people here can give you a better perspective.

 

I personally wouldn't think a nice upbeat text or phone call today and being asked out for a night this weekend would seem needy. Now, to me needy would be texting all day, even when I take a long time to respond or don't respond to every text, asking to meet up today, suddenly expecting me to see you every day right off the bat, etc. to be needy. A simple texting conversation on a Sunday w/ an invite for the weekend seems appropriate to me.

 

A couple things I do when I can't decide and I'm obsessing over something like this:

 

Take some deep breaths, get your head cleared, your nerves relaxed, nice deep breaths and get to a calm, relaxed space and then go w/ your gut. Go with the idea that gives you a sense of calm and peace, the idea that makes you just feel like "yes, this is right!" and then don't second guess yourself, whatever the decision may be. Just connect w/ the peace of your decision and trust it'll all be OK no matter what.

 

OR...flip a coin, I've done that, too, lol.

 

you could also wait a bit longer, maybe some 20 somethings will chime in and can give you more relevant advice to your age group and what's normal w/in it for this type of thing.