Did I act too soon? Or too late?

[Kawhi]

Hey all, first timer on this board so please be kind

 

I'm 31 and about six months ago met a girl who was 30 in one of my classes. We were introduced briefly the first time, and then a few weeks later in another lecture, I noticed she kept turning her head to look back at me. The week after that I ended up sitting next to her and we talked a bit about our books, she kept pointing to mine and touching my hand. I noticed from hereon that every time we met she would touch my hand in some "incidental" way.

 

We had exams a few weeks after that, and we both failed some so had to re-sit them months later. We agreed to study together every Saturday at the library. During these study sessions, we would go for long lunches and take turns paying. She initiated sharing her food, so I did the same to reciprocate. One time she also said she would miss our study sessions once the exams were over. This continued for maybe about 3-4 weeks. One time I asked her out to go bowling with me on a Friday night, and she sounded excited about it. She said she would beat me, and asked me why I wanted to go bowling with her, but she said she would let me know. She never got back to me, and when I tried to arrange our usual study session after that, she cancelled saying she was sick, then the week after that she wanted to study at home, and then after that told me she had joined a study group.

 

I took that as a bad sign, so didn't contact her for two weeks. Then I invited her out to lunch on a weekday since we work near each other. At the lunch she seemed eager to see me and asked what I had been doing because it had been such a long time since we saw each other. Again, she was sharing food, picking them up from the plate and giving it to my bowl. There was a drumstick which she gave me, and I said I didn't really want it, but she insisted and said that the son in law in her culture usually gets the drumstick.

 

We did one more Saturday study session after that before our exam. After the exam, it was my birthday. I had invited her to my party, and she literally cancelled at the last minute. I was so disappointed and hurt by it. The next day, I tried not to take it too seriously and sent her a message, joking that she could make it up with a belated birthday dinner. She agreed, so that Friday night we went out to dinner.

 

She told me she had a very serious health problem (life threatening) and that is why she couldn't make it to my birthday. She said it was a very personal issue for her, and that only one other person knows (other than her family). She told me that she trusted me, but felt like she didn't know me that well. She also told me that a friend of hers encouraged her to get a boyfriend as she had been single for so long, and so she planned to meet a guy the next day for brunch, and that this guy had told her he liked her 5 years ago. I went a bit quiet after this because it felt like she wasn't interested in me, then she asked what I was looking for and whether it was a serious relationship. She also asked me what I liked in a girl. I noticed that when the bill came, she didn't make any offer to pay for it, whereas when we had our study session lunches, we would always fight over the bill.

 

After dinner I walked her home and we stopped in front of her house to talk. I thought about kissing her but was too nervous. I could see she looked at my lips as I talked. We said goodnight and when I got home, sent goodnight message to her and she did the same.

 

After that she went back to her home country for 2 weeks to have surgery for her health problem. When she came back, she messaged me on the night of her arrival, and we arranged to have lunch the next day (Saturday). I picked her up and we went to a restaurant. I was telling her about a friend of mine who planned to propose with a ring made from paper, and she said that if the girl liked him, then it shouldn't be a problem. I half jokingly asked if she would accept a burger ring, and she said she would even accept an onion ring and winked at me. I paid for the lunch, again with no resistance from her, but she suggested we go for a coffee which she paid for. She showed me photos of her family, and we talked about out future given we had now passed our exams.

 

We agreed to lunch next Saturday, but in the week leading up to it, she invited me out to a group lunch with others who had also passed the exams. Turned out to be only one other guy as some others had cancelled. During this lunch, at times I thought the guy may have thought we were dating or something. When I seemed to stare into space listening to the guy, she slapped me on the thigh as if to tell me to pay attention. She also asked me why I had grown a beard. When we were talking about getting laptops and printers, she suggested that we go check them out on Saturday. Then when we parted, I shook the guy's hand, and held my hand out like a high five for her, and she kept high five-ing me gently repeatedly.

 

On the Saturday, I again picked her up for lunch and at the restaurant, I gave her a pen engraved with her name as a gift for passing the exams. This time I noticed she did offer to pay for the lunch, but I ended up paying. She bought me a bag of nuts from a stand nearby afterwards. I suggested going for a walk in the park but she said it was too cold. We went to check out the laptops and printers but didn't buy anything. As we walked through the shopping centre, she asked me if she looked tired and I said she looked amazing. I playfully kept it up, saying she looked stunning, and she asked "are you still going?" and I kept doing it with different words like "great", "spectacular" etc but she didn't say anything.

 

When I drove her home, she thanked me for the day and I said I liked spending time with her. I asked if she wanted to meet next Saturday and she said "we'll see". I got a bit of a vibe that this was a no. So I was a little worried.

 

I called her on Monday night and she didn't answer or return my call. She usually returns my calls within 5-10 minutes. I told my female friend at lunch the next day, and she told me that my problem was I had always been indirect. She told me to be confident and direct, and told me to go to this girl's house tonight with flowers and tell her I liked her. I thought it was a bit full on, but she pushed me to do it.

 

For the rest of the day, I got stupid and the idea began growing on me. So after work I got a rose and started driving to her house. I called her and asked if she was home. She said she was out but on her way home. I said I'd be there at x time to give her a surprise. She asked if it could wait till later in the week, and I remembered my friend's advice to take control of the situation so I said it was urgent and had to be done tonight. She asked "why are you so insistent?" and so I backed off.

 

I went home, and later in the night I had calmed down and called her to apologise. She said it was ok. I told her that on Saturday I had wanted to tell her that I liked her. She said this was a bit sudden. I said I wasn't trying to pressure her, but just wanted to let her know how I feel. I said I was really worried and concerned about her when she had surgery. I said I couldn't be friends with someone I liked, as I had done it before, watching a girl get a boyfriend and then get married, so I didn't want to go through it again. She said she was sorry if she hurt me. I said she didn't need to apologise as I wasn't trying to blame her, but I did say surely she must've known I liked her. She said she guessed it when I gave her the pen, because it was a bit personal to have her name on it.

 

She said she was sad to lose a friend, and that she cared about me. I said I guess this was goodbye. She said goodbye and I hung up.

 

So that is where we are at now. I am just wondering:

 

1) have I totally screwed this up? Is there any way of recovering from this?

2) Was the pen too personal? I had given the same to female co-workers before.

3) was I too early or too late in telling her how I felt? Should I have done it at all?

4) did she like me at any point, or was it always just friends?

5) If a guy picks a girl up, takes her to a meal, pays for it and drives her home, how can a girl not know that he is interested??

[El0t]

Whether or not there's a way to recover, it doesn't sound worth it. Like you said, trying to force a platonic friendship with someone you clearly are interested in never ends well. It sounds like she was interested, but it could have just been in the attention versus seeing you as someone she wanted to seriously pursue. It sounds like she's going through a lot, and if she wasn't able to really even communicate clearly with you while you were friends, then that doesn't bode well for any future hope of an actual romantic relationship.

[SooSad33]

I don't think it was a 'timing' issue. I think you're were just more into her or more caught up in the situation than she was..

It's good you made your feelings known, because this way at least you know where you stand.

 

No, I find the pen things was something thoughtful.

 

"If a guy picks a girl up, takes her to a meal, pays for it and drives her home, how can a girl not know that he is interested??"

- She may have caught on.. but wasn't sure just what to say to you.. until you brought up your 'interest' in her.

 

"I said I couldn't be friends with someone I liked, as I had done it before, watching a girl get a boyfriend and then get married, so I didn't want to go through it again. "

- That was understandable and I agree.

 

All you can say here, is you tried. You did nothing wrong. It just didn't turn out the way you wanted.

Sorry..

[Kawhi]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Is there any possibility that she is interested, but just didn't know what to say because my phone call was just too sudden?

[catfeeder]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Is there any possibility that she is interested, but just didn't know what to say because my phone call was just too sudden?

 

She knows how to reach you if she reflects and decides that she wants to. You've done nothing wrong, and you left it on good terms.

 

Head high.

[Kawhi]

She knows how to reach you if she reflects and decides that she wants to. You've done nothing wrong, and you left it on good terms.

 

Head high.

 

Thanks catfeeder. She was silent for a lot of the call, the only things I can remember her saying were:

- "I didn't mean to hurt you"

- "I am sad to lose a friend"

- "I agree we have a lot in common, have same values and get along well"

- "I care about you"

 

She said other things which I can't remember, cause my mind was racing. But is there any possibility that she may reflect and contact me? Or was her silence and those words just a sign that she was trying to let me down gently?

 

I had her usb drive which I dropped off at her home the next morning, and never got a message from her saying thanks or anything.

[Kawhi]

I was talking to a friend about this and she encouraged me to try to bump into the girl "randomly" because even if the girl is interested, she won't initiate because that's just not what girls do. True or not?