Advice needed - my family has hurt my children

[Kattie]

Please provide me your opinion. My family has deeply hurt my children, and I would like to speak up about it.

 

My children, husband and I have always been excluded from my family. I just figured that because my kids do not know their uncles, aunts and cousins that they may wonder why and feel some loss (especially around the holidays) but not at a deep or very emotional level. I was wrong to assume so. My younger daughter screamed at me the other day that “just because my brother hates me, why does he have to take it out on her, and that it isn’t fair that she shouldn’t have a relationship with my family.”

 

My brother’s hate crusade, which began 15 years ago, caused everyone eventually to ostracise us. My other brother’s in-laws, who used to be our close friends, stopped inviting us to family dinners (which they are the sole organizers) even before my kids were born. When I asked her why, I was told “the men” didn’t want us at their family gatherings, and she was just acting on their wishes.

 

Needless to say, as a scapegoat child, I never did anything to deserve this hate other than to exist. For the past 35 years, I have kept to myself and lived my own quiet, normal life. However, when it comes to my kids and their feelings, I really feel like I should be saying something instead of pretending otherwise.

 

Two questions:

Is bringing this up a bad idea?

What do I tell my kids to make them less hurt over this inexcusable rejection?

[IAmFCA]

I suspect your children have picked up on your own feelings about this and are now mirroring them back to you. If you want your children to feel comfortable, then you need to feel comfortable yourself.

[Kattie]

Not really. I came to terms with all this for myself when they were small. I never even speak about my family to anyone. The joke is that I was hatched and come from an egg. The only reason why my younger one even had her outburst was because I told her that her relationship with her sister may be great when they are grown up. They constantly fight like sisters now. She brought up my family and was genuinely angry. I just told her that we have no control over the situation, that life sometimes isn't fair, and to not take it personally. This got me thinking about the effect on them. I think it is far more significant than I ever thought.

[mhowe]

Your children can't miss something they never had --- I agree with ^^^^.

They are picking up your discontent.

Make you own traditions and do them with people of your choosing --- not family.

[catfeeder]

She brought up my family and was genuinely angry. I just told her that we have no control over the situation, that life sometimes isn't fair, and to not take it personally.

 

You handled this well. Your daughter is smart and knows where to get-ya. That's what smart kids do--they manipulate.

 

If you want to mend your relationship with your family, I wouldn't hold up your kids as your reason for doing it. That won't get you far, because it says to your family--look, it's not me that wants to reconcile, I just think I should for my kids.

 

That won't go over well.

 

If you want to reconcile, consider what you can do to offer honey, not motherhood and the flag. The honey might work, the parental banner will not.

 

Meanwhile, trust that you're a good Mom and you'll likely pick the right time and temperature if ever necessary to explain to daughter that using your relationships with your family as ammo is not the best way to get her own needs met, and it's hurtful and inappropriate. She'll need to find a way to stick to issues at hand, because allowing her to fight dirty will not teach her how to build good relationships when she's an adult.

[Kattie]

Interesting perspective. I never thought of it that way. It is not in their best interest to get to know my brothers. They are not good people.

[ParisPaulette]

Sometimes you have to tell your kids the truth. As in explain why you and your family are not in touch. Don't sugarcoat it and don't make excuses. You did good with that.

 

I learned long ago to be upfront with my kids about their family dynamics--i.e. my two oldest sons have grandparents on their dad's side that they've never met, because those grandparents want nothing to do with all of us based on factors I won't go into here. Bottom line, when my kids were old enough I told them why that was and then stated when they were older if they wanted to get to know them they could reach out on their own and do so. Also keep in mind during the teen years kids seem to smell your weaknesses and sometimes during arguments they hit below the belt. Meaning your daughter's comment may not even be that she cares to get to know family she presumably knows little to nothing about, so much as to hit at Mom where it hurts during a moment of anger.

 

That does pass BTW. Kids get older, sometimes they meet the relatives, then they totally get it. Happened with my oldest who spent a day with his grandparents when he was in their state only to call and tell me, "I hate knowing I'm related to these people. How could Dad be so awesome and they aren't?" My reply, "Dad was smart and left home early."