Dating without confidence!

[Ragamuffin blu]

Hello,

 

I am in my mid 30's and just started dating again but I am finding it difficult! I live in a rural location and there does not seem to be too many people suitable to date so I have been using online dating. I was chatting to one person for a few weeks and then when it came to meeting they just flaked and I didn't hear from them again. Then I started chatting with someone else who lives about an hour away, we have met up 3 times and I thought we got on really well and stayed over at her place. However I text her on Wednesday and received a short reply, I sent another one with a question about something going on in her life and since then no reply - it is Saturday. I don't know if I am just over-analyzing everything, perhaps I seemed too keen....my friend said I should not text again but part of me thinks maybe I should just to be clear that I would like to see her again, if she isn't interested then that is fine but if she is just shy then I have been clear. What do you think? Perhaps if I am this anxious about it then I am not ready to be dating at all ...

 

Thanks!!

[notalady]

I don't think you should text her again, you asked her a question and she didn't respond, for days. Clearly she's not interested, and didn't even have the courtesy to respond. I suspect you'll get a thanks but no thanks response if you ask her out again. If she responds at all that is.

 

Don't think too much about it, it happens all the time, even when you think the dates went well. It's probably nothing you did, unless you know for a fact you did something off putting, then just know not to do it again lol, otherwise don't dwell on it and just move on. Dating is a number's game

[mbee]

Dating is tough no matter how ready you are for it. I also agree that you shouldn't text her again. If she does text back and you do decide to continue dating, well it's been 3 dates, may be best to establish a better mode of communication. With the last person I dated, he was not a texter and when we actually got into a pattern of calling, things were much easier. Same with my ex... after 2 dates we just got more into the mode of a couple of catch-up calls during the week rather than texts. Just a thought but regardless, she should have texted you back and it sounds like she is trying to do the fade out.

 

Anyway, dating is tough and your feelings are completely normal. You'll know your limits. When you get frustrated it's okay to take a short break from dating. But honestly from what you said, everything sounds normal, and you'll develop more confidence after you realize how the dating game actually works.

[Kattie]

I agree with calling. There is nothing like an actual voice to confirm something and to communicate. Texting, to me, is tacky, unless you are 100 years married with little to say. You lose nothing by calling her to find out how she is and to ask whether she is interested in seeing you again.

[Ragamuffin blu]

So I had a response that she isn't interested, dates went well but she didn't feel that 'click'. Thanks for the replies, I really need to have more confidence with all this, I like the idea that it is a numbers game! Good point about the texting, I didn't feel totally comfortable with it, I know for future to try a better mode of communication. Pah! Onwards.....

[notalady]

I disagree about the texting thing, it depends on your and her age and preferred mode of communication. Hopefully you would have found out by the first date or after if someone prefers calling instead. And if you had already communicated by text before the date, I don't see it being a problem to text again after whether it is to initiate communication or ask her out again. In fact, I hate it when guys I went on a date or two with and not interested in call me, I don't want to talk to them on the phone, and it'll be awkward to turn them down for a further date too if they ask on the phone.

 

Bottom line is, I don't think texting or calling would have affected your chances to another date, if someone likes you they like you. Unless she is strongly opposing to text, which hopefully you would have found out already before the first date.

[Ragamuffin blu]

Yes I agree texting or calling wouldn't have made any difference in this instance. We were chatting on the dating site so messages would be longer, when we met it changed to text so our interaction altered and it was much blunter almost bullet point rather than the previous longer messages. I don't know if it would have made a difference but we might have taken things a little slower and had more to converse about - or possibly chatted more and realised it was going nowhere sooner! I'm also not good with knowing when is too soon or too long to respond to texts, maybe in future arranging a call would make me less anxious about this stuff. I never really thought about it until it was mentioned in the posts.

 

I am a little glum today that it didn't work out, I wasn't necessarily looking for fireworks straight off but would have liked to have gotten to know her more, I can be quite shy and take a while to feel at ease - I guess if its the right person it would work out and these things would fall into place.

[Sportster2005]

Dating is one of those things that sooner or later you have to jump into regardless if you aren't ready. I say that because to get ready you need practice. It's sort of a conundrum. The only we to get good at dating is to do it. And generally we all kind of suck at it, it it's been a while, or you haven't done it a lot.

 

It can be frustrating. I don't want to minimize your frustration, but your post is dating frustration 101 and is common. The best thing to do, is keep doing it. Learn from the victories and put the failures behind you as quickly as possible. This WILL build confidence.

 

Don't text her. If you have any chance with her in the future texting her now will destroy any faint chance. You will look needy and insecure. That's women repellent.

[Kattie]

I have to wonder... I know most everybody texts today, but many times especially with email, even at work, there is miscommunication, especially about the intended tone, and sometimes phone calls are needed to clarify the original message and intent. Even if it is a bit more intrusive and inconvenient, don't you get a clearer message by speaking over the phone or, better yet, in person? That way you wouldn't have to guess about what the message is and second guess.

 

I know it is a different world now, but I wonder about the future of meaningful communication.

[Jean-Luc]

I don't think you should text her again, you asked her a question and she didn't respond, for days. Clearly she's not interested, and didn't even have the courtesy to respond. I suspect you'll get a thanks but no thanks response if you ask her out again. If she responds at all that is.

 

Don't think too much about it, it happens all the time, even when you think the dates went well. It's probably nothing you did, unless you know for a fact you did something off putting, then just know not to do it again lol, otherwise don't dwell on it and just move on. Dating is a number's game

 

I think for some people it might be but for others that I've known it really isn't. I think the whole concept myself is ridiculous. Sure meeting all kinds of new people is interesting and exciting but the idea that you have to wade your way through tons of people just to meet that one person who you might live "happily ever after with" is pretty ludicrous seeming.

 

Seeming anxious is pretty normal. Just not OVERLY anxious to the point that it takes over your life and you start texting the person numerous times. I think these people might either have something going on in their lives or they are flaky. You've done all you can do. If they don't respond back then find someone else.

 

On a separate note I will say that online dating does seem like from what I've heard and seen like a numbers game. Just seems to me that it takes something that is already complicated and makes it somewhat even more so. I think that you can find someone that will look past your confidence issues at first as long as you can open up out of your shell sooner rather then later. Finding that person though can seem pretty hard sometimes since most people seem to want things to come easily. Keep at it and don't give up.

[Jean-Luc]

I have to wonder... I know most everybody texts today, but many times especially with email, even at work, there is miscommunication, especially about the intended tone, and sometimes phone calls are needed to clarify the original message and intent. Even if it is a bit more intrusive and inconvenient, don't you get a clearer message by speaking over the phone or, better yet, in person? That way you wouldn't have to guess about what the message is and second guess.

 

I know it is a different world now, but I wonder about the future of meaningful communication.

 

Yes agreed. I've sent messages to people and it came off a totally different way then it did to me and how I meant it and they usually didn't respond back. I've tried messaging girls who I liked explaining I was shy and what not and something that I said came off the wrong way and they blocked me. Text based communication is slowly but surely driving us to be less tolerant, receptive, and less able to communicate effectively. Everywhere you go it seems like just about everybody is staring down at their phones instead of looking up and actually engaging people in conversation. I can understand if you're shy but a lot of people aren't.

[Jean-Luc]

Dating is one of those things that sooner or later you have to jump into regardless if you aren't ready. I say that because to get ready you need practice. It's sort of a conundrum. The only we to get good at dating is to do it. And generally we all kind of suck at it, it it's been a while, or you haven't done it a lot.

 

It can be frustrating. I don't want to minimize your frustration, but your post is dating frustration 101 and is common. The best thing to do, is keep doing it. Learn from the victories and put the failures behind you as quickly as possible. This WILL build confidence.

 

Don't text her. If you have any chance with her in the future texting her now will destroy any faint chance. You will look needy and insecure. That's women repellent.

 

Agree 100%. I've had to learn this the extremely hard way on a couple of occasions. It would be nice and great if people looked past it and gave you a chance but most won't and don't and will just look elsewhere if they haven't already.