When No Contact (NC) Goes Wrong. Lessons.

[Shane Falco]

Who said anything about waiting though?

 

You did quite clearly.

 

This is true, you should never completely ignore someone who you're trying to get back with. Instead just always wait for them to initiate contact and answer them politely, keep things short and casual.

[3Tears]

LMAO well, I didn't mean actually wait for them, I meant wait as in let them contact you first.

[Shane Falco]

LMAO well, I didn't mean actually wait for them, I meant wait as in let them contact you first.

 

There should be no waiting IMO. You should be doing your thing without any expectation of them contacting you. If they do, then you can evaluate how to handle it. I still think if you aren't ready to handle it you shouldn't open that door though unless they make it clear that they aren't screwing around.

[SophieGrace]

Have any of you - as the dumper - left "breadcrumbs" and hoped the person you dumped would suddenly pursue you again so you could get back together? I have never done this, and I think it rarely happens. If it does, I think there are some serious communication issues in the relationship that does not bode well for its future. When I have broken up with someone, I am done. I can't recall if I've ever reached to out anyone after I have broken up - if I did it was in my 20's in a moment of nostalgia or weakness (or drinking too much); I wanted to know someone I once knew in a loving context still felt something for me so I wouldn't feel so alone. I am not proud of it - it was selfish and unfair - and I don't do it now, but there it is. But I can say even in those moments, I did not want to get back together.

 

I don't think if you are on the other side of a "dump" that holding onto feelings of hope is kind to yourself...because it is not realistic, and as so many other posters have written in so many threads - you are putting your life "moving forward" on hold in hopes of going back to a past that no longer exists.

 

I know it's hard to let go - I have been there. We all have. But allowing the other person who did the "dumping" decide what is right for him/her - respecting their decision - and setting an intention to move on with your life with all the lessons learned is the most loving thing you can do for both of you. You WILL find the best of that person and what you loved about your relationship with someone else... and more. That's my opinion

[AutumnBorn]

So, we agree after all - LC is best. NC means NC: Reuniting simply isn't possible without accepting contact. No couple can get back together ever if one party absolutely refuses contact with the other. After all, one has to take the call, respond to an email/text, or not physically run from their former partner when they see them in order to reconnect. If you use NC for too long, there is never a possibility of reuniting.

[Shane Falco]

So, we agree after all - LC is best. NC means NC: Reuniting simply isn't possible without accepting contact. No couple can get back together ever if one party absolutely refuses contact with the other. After all, one has to take the call, respond to an email/text, or not physically run from their former partner when they see them in order to reconnect. If you use NC indefinitely, there is never a possibility of reuniting.

 

If you believe that LC means that you shouldn't take contact from the other person unless they unequivocally say that they made a mistake and want to try again, then yes, we agree. But that's not exactly the impression I've gotten from you.

[AutumnBorn]

You're right, I don't mean they should start out by begging to get you back. They have to test the waters, see if it's safe. First a toe, then a foot, then they wade in, then they dive. If someone just dove right back in, I'd be very, very wary and wouldn't want him to do it. One shouldn't go from relationship to breakup back into full blown relationship lightly. Hard telling if things have changed enough to make it work.

 

I don't mean a meaningless text should be celebrated, either, but leaving a means of communication open and not slamming a door in the face of someone you allegedly love is a good idea. Makes them feel safe enough to put the toe in to test the water. Only a sadist would go in knowing the partner could be very bitter or may not have changed their abusive/troubled/cheating/lying behavior. Some people are left for very good reasons, after all, and a lot of people are in denial about their contribution to the relationship's end. Not everyone is worthy of being accepted back.

 

And God knows, the initiator may have changed, too. I wouldn't take someone back immediately.

[3Tears]

I really don't think a dumper will ever come back to a dumpee LITERALLY saying I want back together, after months and months of NC. I'm pretty sure the dumpee must have moved on by now, maybe feelings are gone, maybe they're with a new partner now, maybe they HATE the dumper, they need to ease in with the dumpee (LC) to get back on track with things.

 

I also think it would be awkward and weird if I got a text from my ex or any other exes in months or years from now saying that they want back together, that just does not happen.

[Shane Falco]

I mean, every successful reconciliation that I know of in my life has involved exactly that -- the dumper taking a leap to show that they are serious. I mean, did the dumper care if the water was safe for the dumpee before pushing them in it? Did the dumper respond positively to the dumpee when the dumpee was desperately trying to appeal to them not to break the relationship? Then why should the dumpee hold the dumper's hand when the dumper did no such thing (not that I'm saying the dumper is compelled to do such a thing)? I'm sorry, I think the onus on reconciliation is overwhelmingly on the dumper except for extreme situations such as cheating or similar betrayal. You have every right to dump, you might even have felt you have a good reason to dump, but you would be extremely selfish to expect a person whose heart you've broken to hold your hand and walk you through the reconciliation process or humor you as you contemplate whether or not to get back with them. Every decision has consequences, and one of the consequences of dumping and wanting to reconcile is to be serious in your intentions and express that in a clear way. If you aren't willing to do that, or get dissuaded when a person you hurt doesn't respond to a throwaway text, voicemail or e-mail, then how serious can you possibly be in your quest?

 

It's not being a sadist or being mean -- it's protecting your heart and making sure that the other person who hurt you is actually serious about it. And a "hi" or "how are you" or "can we talk" text isn't a show that the dumper is serious.

[Shane Falco]

I really don't think a dumper will ever come back to a dumpee LITERALLY saying I want back together, after months and months of NC. I'm pretty sure the dumpee must have moved on by now, maybe feelings are gone, maybe they're with a new partner now, maybe they HATE the dumper, they need to ease in with the dumpee (LC) to get back on track with things.

 

I also think it would be awkward and weird if I got a text from my ex or any other exes in months or years from now saying that they want back together, that just does not happen.

 

I've had it happen to me (though I ultimately said no) and I went to two weddings in the past year of people who broken up and reunited in exactly that way. Pretty sure there have been posters on this forum that have had that happen to them (sharky and mhowe are two I believe). In the situation of my sister, she ignored all contact with her eventual husband until he said that he screwed up and was willing to do whatever it takes to get back with her. She then said "OK, prove it". He showed he changed for the better, she used the time away to change for the better herself, and now they are happily married.

[SophieGrace]

Shane - these weddings you mention - were they between men who had dumped women who took them back or vice versa? As I said in this same thread (page 3) I have never gone back to someone I dumped, and it's unlikely I'd go back to someone who dumped me (although I did once, didn't work out - felt like trying to recreate the past).... but I do have women friends who have gone back to their old flames who once dumped them. All of those relationships didn't last - except my best friend who has been married for years to a guy who once cheated on and dumped her and then begged for her to come back (and did a lot of work to convince her).

 

I have noticed that women usually deal with the pain immediately (after getting dumped) - suffer for a few months (or more), and the men who dumped them don't start to feel it until after a few months (or more) have passed - after they live the life they thought would be so spectacular and fun only to find out it really wasn't in comparison to what they had.

 

Anyway, thanks for posting Shane and 3Tears - interesting food for thought.

[AutumnBorn]

I have a friend who remarried her first husband after they were divorced for years (each had another marriage in between). If they'd gone and stayed NC, they never would have reconnected. It's that simple. Did he say he'd made a mistake and beg her to come back? No, he simply called. Then called several times. Then visited her when he was in town. Then they started thinking about it. No heroics needed, just an open mind.

[Shane Falco]

Yes, the weddings involved men dumping women and reconsidering. My sister's came when her boyfriend got scared of commitment and intimidated by my sister's professional success, then I had a friend who dumped his eventual wife because he was pining over a previous ex. He went back after her, which was a disaster, then a few months after that went back after his eventual wife. My sister's husband tried to breadcrumb her a ton right after the breakup, which she ignored after telling him to pound sand once or twice. It wasn't for nearly a year until he finally made his big move back.

 

I don't know if it's a man/woman thing. I mean, I'm a man and I had a woman come over the top for me after I didn't have contact with her for over a year because she stabbed me in the back (didn't know what No Contact was, I truly wanted nothing to do with her). She initially dumped me and I tried to stay in contact to get her back (we were co-workers), but after she betrayed me I went total cold turkey. I didn't go back with her after she came over the top, but I did consider it because she seemed very genuine and I appreciated the fact that she went out of her way to show me I valued her. Eventually I couldn't get feelings back (besides physical attraction) and decided against it, but her and I remained friendly after that.

[Shane Falco]

I have a friend who remarried her first husband after they were divorced for years (each had another marriage in between). If they'd gone and stayed NC, they never would have reconnected. It's that simple. Did he say he'd made a mistake and beg her to come back? No, he simply called. Then called several times. Then visited her when he was in town. Then they started thinking about it. No heroics needed, just an open mind.

 

I'm guessing your friend had recovered completely (or close to it) and had gotten past it to take that call. I mean, I'll talk to an ex (even the one who brought me here) because I don't care anymore. But if the dumpee is still hurt by it and still unnerved by the whole thing, then its up to the dumper to show that they are serious. I mean, had she not accepted the call, I would guarantee that her husband would have continued the pursuit and upped the ante.

 

I even said in my original post in this thread that if the dumpee truly doesn't care whether or not their dumper wants to reconcile and doesn't overanalyze text messages such as hi that that's ok. But the overwhelming majority of dumpees that come to this site looking for help aren't even on the same planet of being that.

 

Just to sum up my viewpoint in a quick, consise manner:

 

If you are the dumpee (or a forced dumper due to cheating/betrayal) and still hurt/pining/heartbroken

 

Go NC and stay NC unless the dumper goes above and beyond the call of duty to tell you they f--ked up and want you back.

Don't answer anything else, especially "Hi", "how are you", "can we talk", "lets be friends"

 

If you are the dumpee and recovered and truly are indifferent to the breakup and any possible reconciliation

 

Then do whatever you want.

[SophieGrace]

All interesting. Autumn, your friend's relationship sounds like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton They didn't last, but who really cares? I bet they enjoyed the crazy ride while they were in it. I think, in the end, we are all attracted to exactly what we need to work out and who will best fit that bill.

 

Personally I don't have any women friends who have done the dumping and went back to their past boyfriends. It's like we hit our breaking point, or "no interest" point, and that's it. But in the past, I thought it was men who hit that point of no return who put a period on it. The whole romantic "dance" is crazy, isn't it? Pursue-retreat; retreat-pursue - balance can be challenging to find. In my experience honest communication (and owning your own sh*t) is key.

 

But in the end - when it all comes down to it... I still don't believe the person who is dumped is going find peace by holding on and reading into texts and Facebook posts and hoping breadcrumbs lead to reconciliation. You are placing your internal well being - your state of emotions - in how another person acts or reacts. It's ultimately a victim position - one that says you have zero control in your own state of happiness, and I just don't believe that.

[Brotherhood67]

Personally, I believe that NC is the only way to go for a dumpee and it doesn't matter why, when, how the dumper broke up with him or her.

 

It's a tool for healing and feeling better, not a way to reconcile, even if it helps IMO.

 

NC is not being dead and if a dumper is stupid enough or immature enough to let his or her pride get in the way of reconciling, they are not worth it anyway. What's pride anyway against love ? A great deal for some persons ? Probably the ones who enjoy cheating and dumping for no reasons. Pride is an excuse. True reason is lack of real motivation. I's like refusing to go dancing for the first time because of ridicule : some will say "no, I don't want to because it will hurt my pride".... Yeaaaaah, right. Some growing up still needs to be done here...

 

Furthermore, in our world of communication, IT and Internet, NC can surely be achieved but TRUE NC is a joke : it takes only a change of email address in order to get past a block. 2 Minutes.

 

And if your relationship is not worth 2 minutes of your ex's time and efforts, what is left ? Breadcrumbs, selfish, immature and hurtful breadcrumbs. And you don't want those anyway.

 

And the one and only way to answer to breadcrumbs is NC.

[AutumnBorn]

Yes, NC is a tool for healing, not reconciling. You absolutely have that right. NC doesn't allow for breadcrumbs or anything else in regard to reconciliation. Only silence after they get the message you're sending, "you left, I don't want you back at all. Just go away and never come back". Not wise if you really do want them back, I think.

 

LC, responding minimally, is the only way to let them know that you're not completely rejecting him or her.

 

Al gives the "how to" here: link removed

[Tanzi]

Who said anything about waiting though?

 

Because that is what being responsive to an ex is all about. You are responding because you want them back.Each and every time an ex contacts you, you are hanging on to the hope that it will lead to reconciliation. You are hoping and WAITING for a particular outcome. Contact does not make them want you back. In most cases, contact is just easing their loneliness. They are either going to want you back or not - contact doesn't even factor into it. If they do want you back then they know where to find you. If they don't then total NC has helped you move towards acceptance.

 

Each and every time an ex contacts you, you are responsive

[Lester]

NC is an action/action tool.

Moving to the other side of the street when he or she comes won't tell you if you are walking in the right direction.

 

It can help the weakened and emotionally devastated begin to form a plan, but will never substitute for mature goal setting.

[Shane Falco]

Yes, NC is a tool for healing, not reconciling. You absolutely have that right. NC doesn't allow for breadcrumbs or anything else in regard to reconciliation. Only silence after they get the message you're sending, "you left, I don't want you back at all. Just go away and never come back". Not wise if you really do want them back, I think.

 

LC, responding minimally, is the only way to let them know that you're not completely rejecting him or her.

 

Al gives the "how to" here: link removed

 

Breadcrumbs are not a viable tool in reconciliation. If you aren't willing to come with the whole loaf, then you are just wasting everyone's time including your own.

[Tanzi]

When you're in NC and she contact you (she has to initiate always) and you're thinking of reconciliation its not a good idea to ignore her, you should simply respond in a nice upbeat way, no awkwardness and keep it short, but if she hasn't contacted you at all then you just must keep the strict NC till she does, if she never does contact you after a couple of months of NC, 2-4 months then you should send a quick text, simple and short text.

 

You can most definitely stick with NC. You said if "you're" thinking about reconciliation …. the point is whatever you're thinking doesn't come into it. It is what they are thinking that matters … and if they want you back then they will go the ends of the earth to let you know. In the meantime there is little point in showing them you are ready and willing to jump every time they whistle.

 

As for reaching out after again if the DON'T contact you, I see absolutely no point in that. If they have ended the relationship and are happy having no contact with you then one can only assume that, as each day passes without any efforts from them to make contact, they remain happy with their decision. By focusing on making contact in the future, you aren't really letting go or moving on. You are also setting yourself up for a fall.

 

Focus on acceptance and moving on … not on making contact.

[Tanzi]

Al Turtle, relationship expert, says not to use NC when attempting to win someone back. He suggests LC only.

 

Read it here: link removed

 

Then: link removed

 

Ah, hell…just read the entire website. So good.

 

Al Turtle has made a lot of money telling people what they want to hear.

 

People who absolutely GUARANTEE that you can get your ex back by following their rules seem to forget one thing … they don't control your ex's mind.

 

Confidence is a very attractive quality so, yes, by appearing to be the confident person you once were instead of the desperate, needy one you had become it MIGHT help but generally when someone is done they are truly done and Al Turtle can't change that.

 

People who buy into this advice are those that are hoping against all hope that they can win their ex back but what they fail to accept is that a lot of the time, no matter what they do, their ex simply doesn't want to come back.

[Tanzi]

Limited contact isn't the same as full contact or putting your life on hold to watch the phone in case it rings. You can't get back with someone you're completely ignoring…he or she will eventually get the message and go away forever. Every situation is different and NC vs. LC vs. NIC vs. full contact - use common sense for your situation.

 

I remember reading and responding to a post from a guy whose girlfriend dumped him because he wasn't paying any attention to her. The advice of most people was "go NC and stay NC", though he wanted to get back together with her. My response was a remind of why she broke up with him and asking him if doing exactly what broke them up would get them back together. He saw my point, of course, because NC didn't make sense.

 

Whether it be full contact or limited contact … the results are the same. You are jumping to their tune and allowing them to friend zone you. If you are prepared to respond to them whenever they contact you, how can you control whether it's LC or FC? They are controlling you which, in most cases, is exactly what they want. Believe it or not, all these things help them remain comfortable with their decision and help them move on.

 

IMHO common sense is to listen to what you've been told (ie. that they no longer want to be in a relationship with you) and to start accepting it because THAT in itself doesn't stop them from coming back should they so want. However, it benefits you completely.

 

As for the guy whose gf dumped him because he wasn't paying her enough attention … well, the chances are she'd had enough and any efforts he made thereafter to prove otherwise would be a little bit too late. People don't end a relationship unless it is either what they really want or if it's of the best benefit to them, by which time they are usually more than ready to move on. If someone ends a relationship with you, you have to accept it … the reasons why are irrelevant at that point.

 

I can relate to that, however. A few years back I was dumped by an ex because I kept blowing hot and cold. I hadn't long come out of a marriage and although I liked him, I wasn't sure whether being in a relationship at that point was a good idea. After he ended the relationship I realised (or thought I had realised) that I really wanted to be with him. I saw the break-up as my fault and hung around in order to prove to him how I felt about him. It achieved nothing, other than to allow him to string me along whilst he looked for someone else.

 

In fact, HE was the reason I stumbled accross eNA. How I wish I had listened to what I was was being told. I could have avoided months and months of prolonged heartache.

 

No matter what we tell ourselves about LC vs NC vs FC or just contact in general … the fact of the matter is, we are hoping and hanging on for something that we have no idea is going to happen and the bottom line is, unless they clearly state that they want us back there is absolutely no reason for us to think that is the case. Unless we are told otherwise, we should start moving forwards.

[EJA32]

So you broke NC, how does it feel to be back at day 1?

 

Honestly? I feel the same because I still haven;t heard off her. A bit silly as well for sending the card, but I wanted to wish her a happy bday.

[EJA32]

I just really don;t know what to do, I guess me sending the card was to serve two-fold. Let her know I love her still and want to stand by her (this was one of hang ups from previous relationships) and to try and get some dialogue. She told me she never doubted me when we were togewther but when she was alone with all her issues she panicked.