Emotional Nightmare, Depression, ADHD

[Da1234]

My GF & I have lived together for about a year. She has clinical depression & ADHD. Because of this, most people find her difficult to be around for an extended period of time. She has many acquaintances, but only one friend besides me. I treat her like a princess & take good care of her. Her family is loving and accepting of me. I get along with them very well.

 

She has no job; and her bad experiences in the past make her not want to even look for a job. While I have supported her basic needs financially (food, housing, etc...), her parents also give her about a thousand dollars each month.

 

As our relationship evolved, we stopped having sex. Every now and then I would be "into it", but she'd turn me down for whatever reason... The more common scenario though, I don't want to because it feels wrong and I'm not turned on. She is stunning & sexy, but I don't think of her in a sexual way between my constant support and her emotional breakdowns from time to time. Our relationship shifted from BF / GF to me feeling like a caretaker.

 

She is stable. Her doctor has her on antidepressants, and we have happy friendship. I love her deeply, but I am not happy with our relationship. I feel as though I need the woman I marry to be dependable and strong along side me, but right now I feel like a single parent with an adult daughter.

 

I broke up with her a couple months ago because I felt like it would make my life easier. I couldn't tolerate the emotional drama of our relationship, but quickly caved within 2 weeks of the breakup and won her back. She was a complete mess during those 2 weeks we were broken up... I received nearly 200 lengthy texts crying & I couldn't stand the thought of her in this world alone. I really do love this girl and not having her in my life hurt more than the struggles we'd occasionally face.

 

Fast forwarding to now, we recently came into an issue where I had to temporarily relocate to a different state for work. The plan was that she would come down and live with me for a few months until the job is complete. I told her that I would take care of all the living expenses, but I encouraged her to get a job or find something that she can pursue while I'm working. I didn't want her to follow through with the move and just sleep all day in a depression coma; the job was merely a distraction and something for her to be proud of. She threw a fit saying that I'm just like everyone else "Get a Job! Get a Job!", etc... etc..., but eventually gave in and agreed to pursue an artsy / design project we've discussed in the past. Today I just got a phone call that ended in a massive argument. The conclusion is that she also "EXPECTED" me to give her spending money while she was with me. This is the first time she "EXPECTED" anything from me. I was always generous and giving with basics; but this caught me off guard and I felt used. I promptly told her no, and reassured her that housing & food would be no problem and she shouldn't worry about travel expenses / etc... But this just fueled the fire and she came back with "Of course I wouldn't worry about that stuff, are you kidding me?".

 

If she was any other girl, I would dump and run without looking back. I feel like a sucker, and I know I'm smarter than this. What's holding me back is her medical condition, the fact that I do love this girl, our history, and the fact that I already broke up with her and won her back recently. I don't know how to proceed, and I'm not sure if I'm over reacting by even considering the situation. I feel that we're increasingly distant because of the whole sex thing, but given the current situation I'm afraid there's more to it... Any deep wisdom / advice from other members?

[Edmund Exley]

Unfortunately, and I know it sucks, but this is who she is and there's no advice in the world that can change that. A relationship is mutual with both partners needs being met, bot emotionally and physically. It doesn't seem as she is able to fulfill either for you.

[Heather Dawn]

Wow. What is it exactly that you love about her? What is she bringing to this relationship that's not negative?

[SooSad33]

"I broke up with her a couple months ago because I felt like it would make my life easier. I couldn't tolerate the emotional drama of our relationship, but quickly caved within 2 weeks of the breakup and won her back. She was a complete mess during those 2 weeks we were broken up... I received nearly 200 lengthy texts crying & I couldn't stand the thought of her in this world alone. I really do love this girl and not having her in my life hurt more than the struggles we'd occasionally face."

- YOU cannot be a parent to her and you cannot 'save her'. Much of this needs to come from HER end.

She also needs to learn HOW to take care of herself. Mentally & emotionally.

Sadly, this is bringing you down as well.

 

I've lived with much the same as her for over 30 yrs now. How do you see yourself in 10 yrs? A mental wreck??

I've had numerous anti depr med's and therapy/psychiatrists etc. She need's that too and to have it ongoing.

 

"If she was any other girl, I would dump and run without looking back. I feel like a sucker, and I know I'm smarter than this."

- Yes, you just admitted you're feeling 'used'. Because you are...

 

"What's holding me back is her medical condition, the fact that I do love this girl, our history, and the fact that I already broke up with her and won her back recently."

- Her medical condition is NOT your problem and I feel you went back to her out of 'guilt'. Not love.

 

"I feel that we're increasingly distant because of the whole sex thing, but given the current situation I'm afraid there's more to it."

- Yeah, you've got a whole slew of problems which YOU cannot deal with, without falling into a deep, dark hole, yourself.

If or until that gal can get herself together and learn how to live with herself, her condition etc. she is of no help to anyone else, just a dependant. And a relationship is not based on this.

[Da1234]

Thank you all for the input. I now think what happened here is that I DID love her very much, and we HAD a great run for quite some time; I ended it for 2 weeks because part of me must have realized that the drama of our relationship was escalating & slowly killing me.

 

Right now I am certain that the only reason I went back to her is out of guilt and pity for the situation. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE...

 

I don't know how to break the cycle and get out tactfully. When we broke up the first time, I made a mess of things and got her whole family involved... We talk on the phone each day about her joining me in this new place I'm working, and she cries about "missing me" "loving me too much" , etc... She may be serious, she may actually mean it, but right now I don't think I can ever really "love" her again. I resent her for putting me through this emotional suffering, and I can't even think about having sex with her if she did come. It's like we've shifted roles completely and we aren't in a romantic relationship anymore. I'm not angry with her, just completely put out and fatigued. I don't want to hurt her... She really has nobody in her life if I leave. Her family doesn't really care much about her, and she lives alone in a depressing house with no friends.

 

Besides worrying about her own safety, I'm just having trouble with abandoning her like this. I feel that it IS my responsibility to take care of her, and "setting her free" in the world all by herself terrifies me. How can I get over this? Has anyone else ever experienced a situation where you have these mixed feelings? Am I really this far down where I can't reason with reality?

 

Please help...

[SooSad33]

One thing I come to think of is 'she was okay before you, she'll be okay after you'.

I think you're just still so distraught and aren't accepting things yet. BUT, the facts are there.

You cannot continue a relationship that's doing you in. YOU aren't happy and you do need to realize, this is your life.

 

You've broken up before and it may just be necessary to do it again. Just don't do it like you did last time.

Nothing more you can say to this, except, you tried. That's all we can do.

 

Work up that courage and get honest. With her and yourself.

 

Good luck

[hellokhaleesi]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You need to end it for your own sanity....do you really want to waste more years of your life taking care of a grown woman?

I understand she is sick, but lots of sick people still go to work and take care of themselves. Honestly, at this point, most of her problems probably come from the fact that she's never had to do anything for herself.

Please end the relationship and find someone who brings positivity and joy to your life!

[Da1234]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE

 

It's officially over. Been over for about a week or so. I feel like this huge wet rug was lifted from my life and I can finally breathe again. Thanks to you, I was able to return to a rational mindset.

 

She could tell something was different during our last argument. I stayed short and sweet, but deep down I resented her for all the emotional pain she's caused and it made things easier to deal with on my end. I recognized every bit of her antics for what they were and didn't buy into them one bit. When she realized that she had lost power over me, she kinda flipped psycho and turned quite hostile. Poor girl, what can I do though? You're right. I'm NOT her guardian, I'm NOT responsible for her well being if she doesn't even help herself. It's not my job to "Save" her.

 

I don't regret anything though. I feel that moving on from this point I may be a little wiser and know what red flags to watch out for in a future relationship. Hopefully next time it will turn out more mutual.

 

Thanks again!

 

- DA