Reconciling the person you thought they were with who they reallyare....(Long)

[HurtGirl15]

That's where I find I'm in a ridiculous loop.

A little background. We were together for 10 months. Me 50, him almost 49. I had been alone, no dating, etc. for 3 years previously. Wanted to work on myself and learn to like being alone before I got involved again.

 

He came on strong. Was throwing the "falling in love" stuff around within a few weeks. Told his family I was "the one" within 2-3 weeks. We talked alot about past relationships. He knew I ended my previous relationship when I found my ex posting on craigslist. I left and didn't look back, although it hurt like hell. He talked about his relationships, never really loved any of them. Part of me always remembered those conversations, in the back of my head. As far as being dependable, helpful, loving, always there for me, loved spending time together, he was probably the best I have ever dated. Made me feel special every single day. I did set boundaries. I'm self employed and need to make sure I work and don't get distracted. I think he would have been here all the time had I allowed it. There were things that did bother me, and I kept my eyes open to. He is a real estate agent and spends his days doing basically nothing except running all over the place. From store to store every day. Constant posting on FB all day long. Ridiculous, immature, and some vile, gross stuff. He's a landlord and is always slamming his tenants publicly online. However, he is his own financial disaster, always behind on his own rent, car payments, utilities, and so on. Yes, I know. And these things were becoming more evident as things went along and were beginning to bother me more and more.

 

So, toward the end of May he was helping his parents move to their summer place. I had taken him off of my FB page as I use it to promote my business and did not want people to see the nonsense that he constantly posts. Most mature people who care about your business should understand that. I told him some of his posts were embarrassing and I didn't want prospective customers to see them. He was highly insulted and told me he was sorry he was an embarrassment to me. I told him he wasn't an embarrassment, the stuff he posts is. Since that day he basically gave me the silent treatment. I tried to talk to him and he would give me the runaround, telling me he would call me to talk, and then never did. I could see on FB that he had made "new friends" and seemed to be having a good time. This went on for about 10 days. I didn't want to tell my family or friends because I didn't know what was going on. I finally talked to my daughter and told her it was over between us. I had decided that if someone could give me the silent treatment with no discussion, they would do it again. I refuse to be treated that way, especially from someone who I had never had an argument with. My daughter told me that she was feeling uncomfortable around him because he had been texting her a while back asking her for pictures, to the point that her boyfriend and my ex husband were getting upset! WHY didn't someone tell me at the time? She also told me that she knew one of his female tenants that started to have to have someone with her when he would collect the rent, because he asking her for coffee and coming on to her all the time.

 

At that point I texted him and told him that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, that I knew about what he does with women, and that he's a dirty old man. He immediately blocked my daughter on FB.

 

Since then I have learned so much that it makes my stomach crawl. The entire time we were together he had been hooking up with women. One of my friends from grade school said he had been bothering her to the point that she had to block him. I have talked with a married woman that he had met when she was legally separated (vulnerable). He was actually in another relationship at that time but he did not tell her. After his relationship ended she continued to see him, then realizing that he was in another relationship. He ended that relationship shortly before he met me. He continued to see the married woman, telling her he was single again. However, he was with me. He got her to do 3 somes with him. He caused alot of problems with her and her friends, coming on to them also. Telling all of them that they were the one.

 

Our relationship ended around the beginning of June, officially. He is already involved and in love again, although still trying to get the married woman to hook up with him. RIGHT! He has been telling people things about me. I was boring, I do drugs (I DONT DO DRUGS), that I'm a stalker (I haven't contacted him since the last text after talking to my daughter). He tells people that he never loved me. All that good stuff.

 

So, I know he never loved me because if someone does, they don't do these kind of things. He always talked about how much he hated cheating, told me that he would always be loyal to me, but the entire time he was doing it behind my back. I would have never, ever guessed in a million years because of his constant attentiveness.

 

I was resolved to the fact that he was not the one for me, for many other reasons, before finding out about the cheating. I feel like I don't even know who I was with. I don't want to hold on to anger, but still find myself feeling it.

[pfbsurf]

Anger can be a good emotion. Directt it at him, not yourself or men in general. (but always keep your antenna up..)

 

Guy sounds like a sociopath/narcissist/sex addict. Is that my competition? I'm ok with that

 

Anyway, he will crash and burn - karma and all that. Guaranteed.

 

Be grateful you picked up on all of this when you did.

[silversoul]

What a douchebag! You have a right to be angry! I'm sorry this happened to you. I think it's a huge red flag when someone in their fifties says they didn't love anyone. Concentrate on your healing and don't get back in touch with him no matter what. I also wonder why your daughter has not told you this before you found out.

[nutbrownhare]

If someone you've only just met is throwing around the 'I'm in love!' stuff within a couple of weeks, that often means trouble ahead. Perhaps this isn't so true of young people. Anyway, someone who gets to their 40's with no sign of a committed relationship, has had a lot of relationships but wasn't in love with any of them - is likely never going to be in love with you either. Despite all his protestations to the contrary.

 

When you say you didn't even know who you were with - this is an accurate assessment of your situation. Even with the most honest, open person in the world, it's going to take a while to discover what really makes them tick - let alone a lying, cheating, overgrown schoolboy like this one. Don't dwell on the details of what he did, because it'll be crazy-making, let yourself feel your anger without brooding on it (do some physical exercise, as intense as you can manage, to help burn it off. Or any other way which works for you without being destructive.)

 

Unfortunately, as we get older the pool of available men who would make good partners gets smaller and smaller - because most of the good husbands are already in committed relationships. Of course this isn't true of everybody, but if you find yourself overwhelmed with romantic feelings at the start of a relationship - get a grip. You've a long path of getting to know this person as they really ARE, not the charming, seductive exterior. You are far from unique in finding out that the man you thought you were with, the man you were in love with - does not exist.

 

(((HUGS)))

[DancingFool]

Anger is good sometimes. However, that aside, I think you really need to focus on taking away a very serious lesson from this. That lesson being that behavior like this:

 

"He came on strong. Was throwing the "falling in love" stuff around within a few weeks. Told his family I was "the one" within 2-3 weeks. We talked alot about past relationships. He knew I ended my previous relationship when I found my ex posting on craigslist. I left and didn't look back, although it hurt like hell. He talked about his relationships, never really loved any of them."

 

IS A HUGE RUN-FOR-THE-HILLS-NOW-RED-FLAG! I think it is very important to your future and well being to understand that what you perceive as attentive and cute and desirable behavior is in fact quite the opposite. Someone proclaiming love while they don't even know you, badmouthing their previous relationships, coming on hot and heavy with attention spells trouble that you would be wise to quickly walk away from going forward. It's literally your very first clue that something isn't quite right.

[HurtGirl15]

Thank you everyone. I have to say that I did keep my head on straight so I wasn't completely devastated. Up until the week before things ended he was thrilled because his parents were having a picture he took of me framed. They loved me. And they probably love every woman he brings to their summer home. This next new one will be the 4th woman they've met since the beginning of 2013. They have to know something is wrong with him.

 

I don't believe for one minute that the ones before me didn't get the same lines as I did. He just cannot be one to say "things didn't work out and we moved on". He has to make every ex seem like they were a psycho, , drinks to much, and all the good stuff.

 

There so much more that I've learned that is just icing on the cake. The things he says to other women that he's trying to "hook" are so different than me. He knew I was not going to be acceptable of him sending me nude pics, and talking sex in the beginning. But he does that frequently with other women. He knows how to gauge his behavior with who ever he is with. He is an anal sex freak, from what I hear. He did talk about it a few times but the sex with us was just awful. He could not maintain an erection unless being very hard and rough. And could not hold his ejaculation for more than a few minutes. I thought maybe it was a medical issue. I now see it as this is how he has practiced sex his whole life. Now I see it for what it was and that he could not have that emotional connection with sex. He never made the effort to try and learn. With the married woman she pretty much said the same thing. She did do the anal sex with him and said it didn't matter to him if he was hurting her. She wasn't doing it because she liked it, she was doing it to please him. With me, he wasn't getting anything like that until he learned to master in other areas. Never happened.

 

Yes, I do believe he's very narcissistic. He has to be the big public boaster of all the good things he does. He does something good and then turns around and slams the person he did the good deed for. He holds grudges. He did not attend his fathers funeral because he was mad at his stepmother. Also did not attend his sisters wedding reception for the same reason. He spent years not talking to his mom and step father. Not sure what they did wrong. He is easily able to just cut people out of his life. And he lies constantly yet claims to dislike liars.

Yes, he is a narcissist.

 

I wish my daughter had told me. Or even my ex husband. We still have a pretty decent relationship. I think no one said anything because the "what if" they were wrong. He had all of my family and friends so convinced at how much he cared about me. I remember being younger and my fathers friend made me feel uncomfortable in that way. I never said anything either.

[safenow]

Did we just date the same guy? A grudge bearing, centre of attention, charming anal sex freak? I don't know about you but it was the worst rollercoaster of my life and NOT what I want to grow old with. Well done for getting the heck out at the point at which you heard about his interest in your daughter. You can be happy without him

[okiedokiestomp]

Be glad you got out when you did and don't beat yourself up over someone else's deceit and cheating. I would make it a point to discuss with your ex and daughter that they should have communicated their concerns with you rather than hiding them from you. I say this not to take an argumentative stance with them, but, rather from a safety stand point.

 

The take away from this is that your intuition was telling you that things were not right with this clown and that is good, so you should learn to trust that more and recognize that on some level we are always aware when things don't appear to be right. We all get those warnings from time to time about people or situations, but, many of us still CHOOSE to ignore those red flags and we end up regretting that decision later on b/c with hindsight we often knew it all along.

 

A person who is coming on so strong and claiming love after such a short period of time is someone who has some self esteem issues b/c they are trying to lock you down to a commitment out of fear of loosing you to someone perceived better. He also sounds like he was projecting a lot of things he was doing when he was telling you that he abhorred cheating. If you listen people will tell you exactly who they are in actions or words.

[HurtGirl15]

Thank you so much for all of the input everyone.

I know you are all right. I knew, even though he was giving me the silent treatment for the first 10 days, that it was

the best thing that could have happened. There were things, before finding out about the cheating, that bothered me terribly. Lack of work motivation, having to have the phone with him 24/7, non stop Facebook nonsense (with alot of vulgar and repulsive stuff), always behind on all of his bills, talking non stop all the time, but always about himself and things that happened 20 years ago. Knowing he was lying about some things.

I guess that's enough right!!! I know it was!

 

It just threw me for a loop hearing about all the chronic cheating. Finding out that the day he brought me to the doctors and had to leave me there to be at a real estate closing, he was picking up the paralegal. I guess she was married to. The other married woman that he's had on the string for a year and a half. She told me she actually got pregnant and he treated her like crap. She's the one that he got to do the threesome with, with one of her friends. He then turned around and met her friend with another friend for another threesome.

 

And yes safenow, the anal sex freak, however I didn't really realize that part of it. He had talked about it a few times but I wasn't going there with him. Not until the regular sex was awesome, and it never was. I've just never been with a man his age that was not pretty well skilled at making love. He had no concept, and that is something that I have also since heard from many others.

[HurtGirl15]

There are still times though, that I feel a wave of sadness. I only cried hard one or two times. I wish I could find a padded room and just cry and scream my head off. I can't do that here. I hate to say it, but my dog gets very upset if he hears me cry, and I don't want to upset him. I feel like I need to scream to get it out.

[safenow]

Hope all is well with you. There's a lot to be said for screaming into a pillow, then regaining composure and making yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee

[HurtGirl15]

I'm doing good. Thank you for checking! I hope you are well also!

I've been spending alot of time outside doing yardwork. It helps keep my mind off

of things.

I did, once again, ask people to stop "filling me in" on all of the nonsense and drama that

is going on in his life. It's always something and is one of the things that began to bother

me when we were together.

 

[safenow]

I can certainly relate to that. I have enough drama with 2 kids, so my ex was just a complete pain in the a$$ with everything revolving around him, big problems and small ones and then the manic highs. He has left quite a gap though, but I think that's called peace