He emailed - says he needs more time

[sweetsparkle]

he emailed me today - says he needs more time, maybe one more month to think about us, things. he says that our relationship had so many problems and that his main focus now is getting a job and focusing on his career.........why didn't he just break up with me? why is he buying more time? what should i do?

[chai714]

Sweet,

 

I've been following your story. Let me put in a few quotes that I wrote on your last post, and I still stand by them.

 

I really don't think this guy wants to be in a relationship right now. In essense, he gave you an ultimatum - "one month of NC, or else I won't be able to figure out what I want." That is bull. When you love someone, you don't intentionally do things to jeapordize your relationship. In healthy relationships, people do not need a month to figure out if they "miss" someone. One month is a "nice, round number" if you will and just an excuse to buy him time. I don't see him coming back saying "I missed you and want to get back together," although he might say that he "missed you, but . . .."

 

I think that your [insert his title here] is not being a man about things. No healthy couple does NC for two months to figure out what they want. What do you do from here? Personally, I don't think he has intentions of getting back to you anytime soon. Is this fair to you? Absolutely not. I say call him and end things yourself. This will not be easy, but being in limbo for two months is even harder, and not fair to you.

[ocean9]

sweetsparkle,

 

In essense, he is stringing you along.

 

Are you willing to be strung along?

 

How much longer can you handle this?

 

I vote YOU break up with him!

 

Two months? That's a load of crap!

[Hope75]

Sweetsparkle,

 

I am so sorry that this has happened. I know you must be hurting pretty badly right now.

 

The good news is he DID contact you..... the bad news is it doesn't sound promising.

 

I understood his initial reasons for wanting space because you guys were fighting so much and things were not healthy, and he wanted to tiem alone to thing about things, but I think at this point it doesn't sound too good.

 

When he says he needs more time, is he talking about more NC time? If you guys are to have a chance I think at this point you should at least be talking about your relationship with each other and trying to come to some conclusions together about what would need to change and what you'd need to work on in order to make it work. Then to decide if you both want to put in the effort it will take. Basically, I don't think more NC is going to help you at this point.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I feel the circumstances have changed and he is now not being fair to you by in essense asking you to sit around for poss. another month and wait until he makes up his mind, and he is telling you that he is focusing on his career/finding a job, not on what to do with your relationship. Reconsidering the value of a relationship requires communication between the two people involved and feedback from one another. He can't "fix" this relationship by himself. You both deserve a say, and by forcing more NC, he isn't giving you that chance.

 

I think it has to be up to you, but I do feel you are now being strung along, and you have to decide if you are willing to let that happen, or if you want to move on. Officially breaking up & moving on does not nessecarily mean that you will never be able to get back with him at a later time if things change and you are willing to give it a go, but at this point I think the safest and best thing for you to do is let him know (prob. via email) that you need an answer and can't be expected to keep waiting, and that since he doesn't have an answer for you now that it is time to close the door on this relationship for now. You could let him know that he can keep in touch and if things change for him maybe later you could talk about it, but you need to take control and protect yourself now.

 

I'm so sorry this is the way it has come to be, sweetsparkle. I have really been rooting for you. Let me know what you decide, and you know you can always post here when you need to talk/vent.

 

Hope

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Sweetsparkle,

 

I am so sorry to hear what he wrote in his email, but I am glad that he wrote at all and did not say something like 'I want to break up'.

 

But this is where the good part stops. I agree with the other posters that he does not want to be in a relationship with you right now, but he wants to string you along in case he changes his mind.

 

Did you reply to his email? I hope you did not.

 

My advice to you would be to ignore his mail, consider yourself broken up and move on without giving him the satisfaction of a reply to his mail.

 

If you dont want to do this, send him a mail saying that you are breaking up with him, but I know I might regret this later on, as I might convince myself that ultimately I was the one who broke it off. So maybe you should not do that, unless you feel ready to really let this one go.

 

Did he at least ask you how you are doing and what is happening in your life? Did he show any interest in you and your life?

 

I really dont think that he deserves you sitting around and waiting for him to make up his mind. Try to move on and if he contacts you in a month you decide if you want to stay in contact with him or not.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are not feeling too devastated because you prepared yourself for this eventual outcome.

 

All my best wishes to you

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am so sorry to read this... I really hoped and expected that he would at least make the effort to call, not say things like this over email. It is good that he stuck to the period he announced he would need, but on the other hand, he seems to be postponing the issue.

 

There are several options:

 

1. break up with him. You know how miserable you have been the past month, not going out, worrying over and over, saying already a month was too long.

 

2. stay in the relationship and wait another miserable month.

 

3. say you don't want to break up, but another month is going to kill you.

 

I would go for the first option. You won't feel this way at this moment, but I am sure it will make you feel better in the end. Even if you continue this relationship, you will always remember this 2 month gap. It will take a lot of work on both sides to REALLY solve the issues that have led to this NC period in the first place.

 

In my past relationship I have noticed that getting back together seems good at the beginning but after a while you get the same mistakes again. In my opinion, some relationships are there in your life for you to learn. From yourself and from other people. The things you have learnt can not always be applied in the relationship you learnt them in. Sometimes it's better to set the other person free. More importantly, set yourself free and move on.

 

You will know better what you need in a relationship the next time, really.

 

I know it feels as the opposite you want to do at this moment. I still think this is the best advice I can give you at this moment. My heart has been broken by the same guy for 2 times, the 3rd time I made it final and it was the best decision I made in my life. I still love him and miss him, but I am sure that I wouldn't have been happy with him. Simply because too much difficulties made our relationship so draining for the both of us, and the same difficulties would come and come again. You cannot change another person.

 

The power is also in your hands, it's not like he has control of your life. I hope the next year will be a happier one... I am sorry for your feelings.

 

Ilse.

[PrincessLinzay]

~Sweetsparkle~

 

Im sorry that this has happened. I've been following your posts and was hoping with you that there would be a better outcome.

 

That said, I agree with the other posters. I think it's in your best interests to break up with him. It's really not fair of him to ask that you postpone your life for yet another month while he tries to sort out his mind. I think he doesn't want to be in a relationship but he doesn't want to come out looking like the bad guy. He wants to make it look like he at least tried.

 

I think at this point that you don't deserve to be miserable. Take the power back into your own hands and don't let yourself be his cushy safety blanket.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[FleX]

Hey Sweetsparkle... the reason why he needs more time is to gather enough courage to end it once and for all. Why are you waiting around? Dump him before he dumps you. No more IF's AND's or BUT's. DO IT NOW.

[ajk]

hi--just wanted to weigh in on the other side of things...

i'm not sure that you walking away and breaking up with him is the only option at this point. have you talked about other ways your relationship could evolve? if you could both take a step back and give each other more space, while still keeping the commitment?

can you find a compromise that will make you both happy?

[amanda22]

hi sweetsparkle,

 

ive been following your story for a while. i am sooo proud that you didnt give in and contact him before that one month was over. that is some amazing will power. im sorry the news wasnt what you wanted to hear. i think him asking for one month and you giving it to him was much more than enough. i cant believe he is aking for another month, this is sooo selfish of him. i cant believe he would put you through any more heartache. you should tell him that he can have his month and in fact to take as long as he wants cause its over. i know thats easier said than done of course. but do you just want to hurt for another month without even a promise that he will come back or start getting over him? maybe if you give him an ultimatum of your own, he may think twice about his. dont let him walk all over you. he needs to be a man and make a decision. this isnt fair to you. im sorry...

[sweetsparkle]

Wow, first of all, I would like to thank EVERYONE for your amazing support during this difficult time. I am so grateful for your understanding - I don't think I could have made it through without you guys.

 

Last night, after reading his email, I was devastated. I just had to read the "Dear Catherine" part and I instantly knew. He wrote, "I know you're expecting an answer from me but I'm not ready to make any decisions yet. I asked you for two months at first but you said it was too long so we both agreed on a one month time frame. But it's not enough time for me...... I'm still at my sister's place in SF because flights to TW are fully booked until mid -Jan so I'll be here until then. I'm sorry that our relationship is not working out yet. We had so many problems and if we got back together now, it might still be the same. The main thing now is for me to get a job and focus on my career. Also, I need more time to think about our problems and how we can change. I'm so sorry. Please give me more time. But if you feel you cannot wait longer, I won't hold you back. Please take care."

 

No merry christmas. No I miss you. No how are you? No where are you?

 

And the worst part is he's still in SF and I think he is highly influenced by his sister and mom. I don't see how, by giving him one more month will change anything if he isn't by himself, reflecting upon our problems.

 

I do love him and I miss him so much. But I'm so hurt right now and I feel so disappointed in him. I feel as though I don't even know him anymore. The words he used in his email doesn't even sound like him. I think it's over. I think I need to move on. But I hope I can do what I say......

[chai714]

Sweet,

He is focused on himself right now, and does not seem to genuinly care about salvaging the relationship. Right now, it's important to surround yourself with people who care about you - family and friends. The general attitude reading what he wrote, "I'm sorry that our relationship is not working out yet," shows that he does not care as much as someone who REALLY wanted to work on things. If he did care, he would say something like, "we will work things out at any cost, whether it be [insert possible options here]. His attitude is almost non-chalant, as if he accidentaly bumped into you while he was in line at a movie theatre.

 

At any rate, I really do feel for you. The pain of heartache can seem almost deadly, yet it's amazing how so many people in this world have to go through it. Make sure to take care of yourself mentally and physically, it's very important right now.

[FleX]

hi--just wanted to weigh in on the other side of things...

i'm not sure that you walking away and breaking up with him is the only option at this point. have you talked about other ways your relationship could evolve? if you could both take a step back and give each other more space, while still keeping the commitment?

can you find a compromise that will make you both happy?

 

Compromise? That's like settling for a maginal relationship! Obiously breaking up with him is the only solution at this point. Giving space is STUPID. IF someone truly loved you they would work through the problems and stick with you in the best and worst of times. You can't take a step back and keep the commitment. That doesn't make sense.

[hecka_bekah]

I just want to say that you're not alone! It seems like my ex had similar thoughts as your boyfriend. He didn't ask for NC, but he was bascially doing that by hardly talking to me. He thought by ignoring the problem he would just get his chance to be alone. It got to the point where I got so emotional that I just let out a lot of my anger of being rejected and that's how it ended, even though he was the one who really broke it off.

 

It seems to me like your boyfriend is thinking of himself as others have stated, but wants to keep you there in case he is ever lonely. That's very selfish and shows a lack of maturity on his part since a relationship takes work and effort like anything else. He can't just run away from his problems which is what he is doing.

 

Save yourself from hurting anymore. One month is enough time to clear his mind, but asking for two is just time to plan life on his own. I'm soooo sorry because I know how much it hurts. Honesty goes a long way, but he can't even do that! You have already gained a lot of strength during this past month and have probably prepared yourself to move on just in case his response wasn't the what you needed. Your commitment to this relationship will show others what I strong person you've become and it will also be something your boyfriend will miss in the future.

[sweetsparkle]

i spoke to several of our mutual friends and they all seem to agree that i should give him more time, given our circumstance. i'm not trying to defend him but he did stick with me through alot of hard times. we have had numerous of really bad fights but we still stayed together and tried to work it out. BUT this time he feels like it's too overwhelming and nothing has been solved. so he feels that time apart might be the answer to our problems. doesn't mean that i will give him the time he asked for. i just feel that i need to justify that he did stick with me through good and bad.

 

my friends mentioned that my attitude needs to change in this. they said that i needed to see this in a positive light. use the time apart to better myself, which they know he is using it to do the same. if i don't change my attitude then we would never have a chance. they also say that this time apart is absolutely necessary to heal all the wounds and resentment that our past fights have caused.

 

i know all of you are thinking for my best interest. so, please let me know what you think of what they say? any differing opinions. i have not replied to his email, and i don't think i will.

[hecka_bekah]

Maybe you should take this opportunity to tell him that it is very difficult for you to wait without an answer at this moment. With a positive attitude you can turn this situation around and say that it can actually help the both you if you take time apart from each other to figure out what you both want. Also, tell him that you need time to plan out your life, or whatever you haven't got around to do. That way you have more control over the situation then you have now.

 

 

As he stated in the end of his email, he cannot hold you back from any decisions you make. If he is really that openminded then he should understand if you want to be in his position too. I wish the best for you during this trial!

[ocean9]

sweetsparkle,

 

Deep down, there is that small voice deep within urging you to do what is right for you, what do YOU think you should do?

[hecka_bekah]

I almost forgot to say that if you choose to do so then I think it's best to look at the relationship as over. Take the time to get on with your life. At the same time you don't have to wait for him and you also wouldn't have to worry about ending on bad terms.

 

Of course you both might be able to work it out in the future and maybe sooner than later. But you need to hold true to yourself by caring about your needs. First and foremost you should focus on yourself as opposed to a relationship at this time in order to prevent this from happening again. We all make mistakes and sometimes we make the same mistakes over again, but if we understand our actions and prevent ourselves from making the same mistake through self control and discipline, we have more control over our lives and also become stronger people because of it.

[amanda22]

he is being selfish right now.

 

No merry christmas. No I miss you. No how are you? No where are you?

 

yeah you would think he would of said something along these lines. actually he sounds like he is taking the cowards way out. he wants you to make the final decision to break it off so he wont have to and feel guilty.

 

ur right, what would another month do? if he hasnt leaned one way or another this month what will two months do. ive never heard someone be so exact in their ways "give me two months" i always hear that when people want a break, they cant say for how long cause they dont know. seems like this "space" would be the same thing as a breakup anyways, at least for a while. i dont know, this really sucks im sorry, its time to cut the rope...

[ajk]

sweet--

i still think you should wait it out. to me, his email was very clear that he is still thinking about you and just needs to focus on his career right now, so that he feels better about the relationship. every book i have seen about 'getting back together' say NOT to reunite prematurely--that you have to have patience through this stage. your bf is saying exactly that--if you reunite now, when there has not been enough time to really find good solutions to the problems, you run the danger of having the same things happen all over again. if you give BOTH of yourselves more time, you can come together in a different way. basically, this has to do with how you are spending your time. if you focus on wanting him back, you will be hurt and lonely and not understand how to give both of you the space you need to heal. MEN NEED SPACE (most men) to work through their feelings. women are different. but we cannot force them to work the way we want them to...that pushes them away. have patience. it sounds to me like he said two months in the beginning and you said one month. i have had the same kind of conversations with my ex (before we broke up)...he said two weeks, i said one. and now looking back, it was wrong of me to expect more, blame, feel like i 'deserved' certain things, but not to give him the space he needed in return.

i would hate to see you do that. i do not think his email was selfish. if everyone wants to point the finger and accuse him of that, it is the kind of attitude that will perpetuate negativity in the relationship. read 'relationship rescue' by dr. phil. read anything you can about forgiveness and about letting go of blame and control.

ajk

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Sweetsparkle,

 

I understand how you feel and that you want to cling to any hope of you guys working out if you give him the other month he asked for.

 

As I said before, I would consider myself broken up with and try to move on and heal. If in a month he says that he wants to get back together, it is a pleasant surprise. If he does not, you had one more month to prepare yourself for this.

 

Dont send him an email saying that it is over, because you might regret that later. Dont even reply to his email. If he wants to break up, let him say the words. Don't let him push you to say the words, so he can tell everyone that you gave up while he wanted to hang on.

 

I am so sorry about your pain, I hope you will feel better soon.

[arwen]

Hey sweetie,

 

It's difficult. On the one side I think that he begs for more time because there is too much on his mind to decide this now. On the other hand, 2 months is a lot of time. I think it's best to figure out what you can endure yourself. Another month of this might be worse than really breaking up. At least the tension will be gone for now. The fact that there is pressure from his family kind of worries me. This can really put a strain on the relationship, I have experienced a similar thing myself.

 

Let a week go by, and you can decide what to do. I still think breaking up might be the best option for you. I know it's difficult, but there are so many issues between the two of you. It will take an enormous effort for the both of you to really make it work. Sometimes, as I said before, it's better to start with a clean slate with someone else.

 

Ilse.

[eva1218]

Dear Sweet,

 

I know that unless you know that it is completely hopeless otherwise you will still hope for the best...and u won't give up or I should say u cannot give up (even though u want to) this relationship. If you could, you would have done that.

It is hard.....for some moment, I guess it is impossible to think that it is over..... can't even describle...

The only thing you can do right now is just wait...not for him actually...meanwhile you are still waiting for him....but.......until you realized that you got nothing left to give...and really stop expecting from him......then you will start your healing process. But probably take you more than a month..........so I guess you have only one option, you will just wait until you know the answer for yourself. You can never got over it while you thought you might still have a chance.

 

Good Luck!!

[Softmoonlight]

Hi dear,

 

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. In reality, I wouldn't let him string me along like this. Look how much you've been tortured the past month. It's not right that he is still stringing you along like this, and i would let him go if I were you. Of course, if you logically think things through and decide you'll wait, that's ok if it's for you.

 

however, I really think that if he is willing to stay away from you for 2 months, it's time to move on. don't email him or call him, let him say the words. i would spend the next month moving on. I don't think it will work out if he is willing to be away from you for 2 months.

 

spend the next month recovering, and letting yourself heal. i really don't agree with a month away from each other. 3 weeks maybe, but a month? i am frustrated and angry for you. i had someone do the same to me and it didn't turn out in my favor. I waited for nothing, and maybe that is why I'm so upset for you, because my ex made me wait and all the while he knew he didn't want to be with me anymore anyhow.

 

I would really spend the next month moving on. then if he does want to get back together, it will be good. but if he doesn't, you will already be prepared.

 

I'm so sorry dear. Give yourself a hug and move on!

[FleX]

Remember what I told you. This is coming from a guys perspective:

 

Generally speaking, men are major procrastinators when it comes to love and relationships. When things go bad we let things slide until it is too late to salvage anything.

 

This may be the case as your bf is now trying to get back on his own two feet with his job and the other aspects of his life. At the moment he's procrastinating because he needs more time and space to gather enough COURAGE to give you a final kick GOODBYE.

 

As a woman you should really RESPECT yourself. Sure you have admitted that you need to improve on your attitude--- so does he. However, changing attitude takes tremendous amounts of time and practice. Getting back into this relationship will not change your attitude because both of you need to work on yourselves. The only and best way is to move on. There is too much damage done. You have to be brutally honest about yourself and address what's at stake here. Your afraid of being lonely and your feeding yourself with false hopes. Going back would only be a bandaid solution. Are you willing to settle for a marginal relationship at this point??? I say NO. His indecisiveness is causing you much pain and torment. End it now. End it now. End it now.

 

Peace out.