My ex was lying to me for over 6 months... help me to stop obsessing about it!

[loladavies]

So I found out yesterday that my boyfriend of 2 years (and who I have been living with for 1.5 years) has been lying to me since Christmas last year and maybe even before that too. I am 21 and he's 23 and we both live and work in London.

 

So let me tell you first that in past relationships I have always been too trusting and forgiving and I have been cheated on before, so naturally it takes me a while to build up my trust with someone, especially if they are acting suspicious and secretive. Last Christmas, my boyfriend was acting very suspiciously and always hiding his phone from my view whenever he got a text. He'd never really been like that so I looked at his phone while he was in the shower (I know. I hated myself too.) and found messages to his ex... he was saying that he was starting to like her again and he really wanted to see her. Let me tell you now that she lives in Russia so I wasn't too concerned. But I confronted him about it and long story short, he was very apologetic and promised to cut off contact with her as he agreed it was inappropriate.

 

Anyway, so since then I have had moments of doubt as he has been very secretive ever since Christmas, but I have been honest and upfront about my feelings and I have asked him on a few occasions whether he has been contacting her, which he promised he wasn't doing and I obviously had to give him the benefit of the doubt to try and save our relationship!

 

So skip forward six months... on Friday I came home after seeing friends and he had set up the sofa bed in our living room. I was confused and he explained that he wasn't sure how he felt about me any more and could we go back to being friends for a while. Obviously alarm bells were ringing but I stayed at my sisters over the weekend to give him space in the hopes he'd realise that he didn't want to be just friends... then I came home Monday night and he wasn't there. He's recently gone out a few times and not come back until 1am and I've had no idea where he's been. It doesn't really bother me as i'm glad he is going out with friends and I know his ex is still in Russia so he's not seeing her. However last night when he still wasn't home at around 8pm, I snooped at his facebook messages as I was getting worried... he hadn't been in contact with me since 3pm that afternoon and he wasn't replying to my texts.

 

Anyway, there were tonnes of messages from her, all from that day and it was obvious it was part of a long string and he'd deleted previous messages because she knew everything about his life and he knew everything about hers. I was very upset that he'd been talking to her behind my back but then I read the messages properly and it turned out that he saw her four months ago on his lunch break while she was in london getting a visa... I felt sick that he would've come home to our flat that night and not told me anything. From the messages, she said that she's coming back to the UK permanently and she's flying in next week and they were planning to meet again.

 

Obviously I packed all my things and left the flat. I didn't text or call him, I just left our box of memories in the living room and a note saying 'what a waste'. I then went to my sister's and he texted at 00:30 saying "Just got home. I’ll sort out the flat with the estate agents tomorrow”. So he was out all night and didn’t tell me… then when he got back and saw I was gone, there was no apology, no call, nothing... Just that pathetic text.

 

It makes me even more upset that he can’t even admit to his mistakes and he’s obviously not even going to try and fight for me. I keep going over everything in my head and trying to work out which day he saw her and whether it was just the once or if he saw her other times too... I just need to know that I am doing the right thing by leaving him. Please help me to get over him!

 

Thank you so much everyone

[Man with Dog]

I'm afraid that we often find our partners are less than truthful about things. This "not sure of his feelings" is a load of carp, meaning he's trying to let you down slowly, rather than admit to being a serial liar.

 

Many people (and I'm no exception) often find out a load of "home truths" about our relationships after they have ended. The harsh truth is that most relationships end sooner or later and most that end usually involve some form of cheating/lying/violence. I know this has probably shaken your faith in men and relationships in general.

 

The relationship is now over. It is tough for you to accept it and I know it is not easy (having been there before). Good luck.

[sharky988]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you!! What a sleazy lying creep.

 

For what it's worth, I think you handled this all in ABSOLUTELY the right way. I can't imagine how much pain you're in right now. Please just know that in time, the pain will end and you'll be able to move past this and find someone who DOES deserve your heart!

 

Please keep your friends and family close to you now -- lean on THEM to help get you through this -- and continue to keep away from him! He's only going to bring you pain right now, not comfort.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting -- and good luck!

[loladavies]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. It is very hard to come to terms with everything and it is taking SO much strength for me not to just message him and ask him why he's done this to me. But I know how much I will regret it if I do and the guide you sent really helped me to realise this.

 

I have just received an email from him to the estate agent about terminating our rental agreement. It's so sad and scary the way that he almost seems prepared for this, but I guess it's not surprising really, given the way he acted towards the end and saying we should go back to being friends. I now realise that he knew his ex was coming back to the UK and he probably wanted to string us both along!

 

I hope he finds what he's looking for and that he realises his mistake! He's told me about his relationship with his ex before... she didn't let him go out drinking with his friends or even work out because she thought he was doing it to get the attention of other girls. I completely let him be himself so if he goes back to her, he will realise what a stupid mistake he made. And by the time that realisation comes around I will be long gone!

[loladavies]

.... he just texted saying this:

 

"Just so you know, I never wanted for anybody to get hurt. In an ideal world, I could have told you that my feelings changed, you could have accepted that that happens in life and we could have just been friends. I'm so sorry it had to happen like this"

 

I mean, what absolute crap. He's trying to make it sound like he couldn't approach me! When he said all the rubbish about that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, I said to him, please put me out of my misery now if it's about somebody else! And he swore it wasn't.

 

I need to start putting myself first in life because he's always been number 1 to me. Not any more! Time for seeing friends and family and trying to enjoy my life again, without him.

[Man with Dog]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you!! What a sleazy lying creep.

 

For what it's worth, I think you handled this all in ABSOLUTELY the right way. I can't imagine how much pain you're in right now. Please just know that in time, the pain will end and you'll be able to move past this and find someone who DOES deserve your heart!

 

Please keep your friends and family close to you now -- lean on THEM to help get you through this -- and continue to keep away from him! He's only going to bring you pain right now, not comfort.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting -- and good luck!

 

One word of warning: be careful about MUTUAL friends. It's a long story but don't take it for granted that they will sympathise with the dumpee and it is quite likely that the dumper would have told them a few porkies or presented things in a way that puts the dumpee in a bad light.

 

Eventually I had to break from mutual friends and lose a large part of my support network, especially as one of them was the new bloke.

[sharky988]

.... he just texted saying this:

 

"Just so you know, I never wanted for anybody to get hurt. In an ideal world, I could have told you that my feelings changed, you could have accepted that that happens in life and we could have just been friends. I'm so sorry it had to happen like this"

 

I mean, what absolute crap. He's trying to make it sound like he couldn't approach me! When he said all the rubbish about that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, I said to him, please put me out of my misery now if it's about somebody else! And he swore it wasn't.

 

I need to start putting myself first in life because he's always been number 1 to me. Not any more! Time for seeing friends and family and trying to enjoy my life again, without him.

 

What a douche.

 

I'm constantly amazed at the human capacity to justify and rationalize doing ANYTHING to ANYONE and making it "okay"!!!

 

Keep moving forward, away from this tosser.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[chloelesliexo]

.... he just texted saying this:

 

"Just so you know, I never wanted for anybody to get hurt. In an ideal world, I could have told you that my feelings changed, you could have accepted that that happens in life and we could have just been friends. I'm so sorry it had to happen like this"

 

I mean, what absolute crap. He's trying to make it sound like he couldn't approach me! When he said all the rubbish about that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, I said to him, please put me out of my misery now if it's about somebody else! And he swore it wasn't.

 

I need to start putting myself first in life because he's always been number 1 to me. Not any more! Time for seeing friends and family and trying to enjoy my life again, without him.

 

Hi lola, im a similar age to you, 22 and also live in london so if you need anyone to talk to then please give me a message

 

my heart breaks for you, my last ex left me one day just saying his feelings had changed, i havent seen him since so i know how hard it is because in your head you think to yourself "how could your feelings change, i love you so much"

 

its almost like he waited for you to break up with him as he didnt have the guts or the balls to do it himself (again, same thing happened to me, i brought the issue up and all of a sudden he ended it)

 

honestly, if you need someone to talk to or vent to then just pm me, i know sometimes it helps to just get it out xx

[loladavies]

Hi lola, im a similar age to you, 22 and also live in london so if you need anyone to talk to then please give me a message

 

my heart breaks for you, my last ex left me one day just saying his feelings had changed, i havent seen him since so i know how hard it is because in your head you think to yourself "how could your feelings change, i love you so much"

 

its almost like he waited for you to break up with him as he didnt have the guts or the balls to do it himself (again, same thing happened to me, i brought the issue up and all of a sudden he ended it)

 

honestly, if you need someone to talk to or vent to then just pm me, i know sometimes it helps to just get it out xx

 

Thank you Chloe and sorry to hear about your previous break up, you're right it is so hard to accept that someone just isn't in love with you any more.

 

Yes I agree with you and I can see it clearly now, all the signs were there I just made up excuses for him in my head because I refused to believe that he could fall out of love with me when I was still as in love with him as when we first met.

 

It's so hard as we still have our flat to deal with so we'll have to try and find replacement tenants to move in. I just don't want to speak to him or see him but i have no choice!

[chloelesliexo]

All i can say, and it wont help now because when I was in your position nothing really did.

 

But it is a lucky escape, he isnt emotionally mature enough to deal with a proper adult relationships. Yes, feelings do change, people change. But adults sit and they discuss things and relationships do end and its sad but at least you can both walk away with your head held high. They dont plan to meet their ex behind their current partners back.

 

You can walk away with your head held high and your dignity intact. It might not mean a lot now but in 6 months time when you're well on your way to recovery you will be so proud of yourself.

 

And if he doesnt love you, well, thats fine, because there is someone out there who will love you whole heartedly for the lovely girl im sure you are

 

Sharky has something at the bottom of their signature that I often remind myself: "~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~"

[Man with Dog]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you!! What a sleazy lying creep.

 

For what it's worth, I think you handled this all in ABSOLUTELY the right way. I can't imagine how much pain you're in right now. Please just know that in time, the pain will end and you'll be able to move past this and find someone who DOES deserve your heart!

 

Please keep your friends and family close to you now -- lean on THEM to help get you through this -- and continue to keep away from him! He's only going to bring you pain right now, not comfort.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

 

Keep posting -- and good luck!

 

One word of warning: be careful about MUTUAL friends. It's a long story but don't take it for granted that they will sympathise with the dumpee and it is quite likely that the dumper would have told them a few porkies or presented things in a way that puts the dumpee in a bad light.

 

Eventually I had to break from mutual friends and lose a large part of my support network, especially as one of them was the new bloke.

[Man with Dog]

I'm afraid when this happened to me, I fought against it and was resorting to emotional blackmail as well as pleading. I think many people will fight to be in a relationship that they were led to believe was "for life".

[gxzone]

.... he just texted saying this:

 

"Just so you know, I never wanted for anybody to get hurt. In an ideal world, I could have told you that my feelings changed, you could have accepted that that happens in life and we could have just been friends. I'm so sorry it had to happen like this"

 

I mean, what absolute crap. He's trying to make it sound like he couldn't approach me! When he said all the rubbish about that he wasn't sure how he felt about me, I said to him, please put me out of my misery now if it's about somebody else! And he swore it wasn't.

 

I need to start putting myself first in life because he's always been number 1 to me. Not any more! Time for seeing friends and family and trying to enjoy my life again, without him.

 

I just have to say, there are situations where we don't want to be liars, but we do because telling the truth is just so scary for some people. For me I have told the truth my entire life, and it has screwed me over at times, but for the most part, I have stuck with it. As a result, I feel I am better at revealing the truth to someone who needs to hear it. For a lot of people it is incredibly difficult, because if this guy had told you the truth, he was afraid it would jeopardize your relationship and he knew the pain that probably would of ensued.

 

Perhaps by not revealing the truth, they are trying to avoid a distinct moment of regret. "I should not have revealed my feelings fading to her" because this will be a clear action that they will regret if that effects your relationship and causes heaping amounts of pain. I know I sent an email that made my ex NC me and I regretted it for a while. I still regret it actually, but starting to accept it a little more as something I was brave to do, and at times, is something I am proud of, because it is just that difficult to do.

 

Or, just buying time with you while the ex comes back so there is less 'void time' where he is alone. This is very likely, and is very selfish, yet very tempting to anyone. Nobody wants to suffer more pain themselves in order to spare you, even if they know that is the more honorable thing to do.

 

Unfortunately, 'staying as friends' is not something we have complete control (if any) over. For some relationships and couples, it works out afterwards, and for some, it doesn't.

[loladavies]

You're completely right, I was always willing to sit down and discuss this with him but if we argued about something, he never wanted to TALK, which is such an important part of a relationship. I wish he'd just told me all of this and that I didn't have to find out this way.

 

It's taking every ounce of my self-restraint to not just attack him via text and tell him how much i'm hurting. He keeps texting me saying why can't i be civil and talk to him... why can't we just be friends... life's too short to snub people who made you happy.... I really want to tell him life's too short to waste my time talking to people who have hurt me. He doesn't realise how betrayed I am and I don't want to hear from him at all! but I can't delete his number until we sort out things out with our flat. It's such a horrible situation.

 

It's so hard to not think that all men are the same; a previous boyfriend went to America for a 'holiday' and then it turned out he'd gone to see a girl he'd been talking to online and he cheated on me with her. It was so hard for me to enter a relationship and start trusting someone again after that. I thought I'd found a good thing again but obviously not. I know not all men are like this but right now it's hard for me to believe that!!!

[loladavies]

Hi gxzone,

 

Thanks for your view on this. I do understand that this is most likely how he was feeling. You're right it's very selfish but humans are sometimes selfish and do the things that are easiest for them, without thinking about the other person they're stringing along. It's exactly what my previous boyfriend did; he wanted to be with this girl in america (see my above reply to Chloe) but when he came back to the UK he realised I was second best and he'd put up with me until he could see her again. It's hard to not second guess myself seeing as it's happened twice now... I know what my weaknesses are though and i'm comfortable with that. I know that I have trust issues and mood swings (who doesn't!) but I also know that I am very giving and loving and one day I will find somebody who loves me for everything about me, including my downfalls!

 

P.S. I am very encouraged to hear that you revealed the truth to an ex as this would've taken EXTREME amounts of courage! The fact that you didn't string them along is honourable and you definitely did the right thing by not being selfish.

[chloelesliexo]

My background is also chequered so I totally understand your pain (my first boyfriend left me for someone he met on an internet forum, the second had a baby behind my back, the third woke up one day and just changed his mind)

 

And i'm going through another breakup at the moment but I just remind myself its by no means a reflection on me, and you need to remember that too. Its not a reflection on you at all. Not all men are the same, I promise. The good ones are out there. Our problem is we are so trusting and kind that we ignore all the red flags!

 

Find yourself again, and know your worth, so that when the next guy comes along you will know exactly what you are worth and who you deserve.

 

And as for him wanting to talk to you, he just wants to ease his guilt, talking to him will hurt you in the long run, so ignore him!

[sharky988]

It's taking every ounce of my self-restraint to not just attack him via text and tell him how much i'm hurting. He keeps texting me saying why can't i be civil and talk to him... why can't we just be friends... life's too short to snub people who made you happy.... I really want to tell him life's too short to waste my time talking to people who have hurt me. He doesn't realise how betrayed I am and I don't want to hear from him at all! but I can't delete his number until we sort out things out with our flat. It's such a horrible situation.

 

For him to expect "friendship" with you immediately after this complete betrayal is.... insanity.

 

He wants you to alleviate his guilt and reassure him that this horrible thing he's just done isn't *that* bad. Yeah, right.

 

Just go ahead and ignore. Try to limit your contact about the apartment and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF! Really try and pamper yourself as much as you can right now, surround yourself with people who love and support you, do whatever you can to make yourself feel better.

 

This is all on HIM -- and don't worry, he'll get what's coming to him one way or another.