Insight Into Another's Behavior

[Raoul]

As I said in the initial post, I am working just to be back in touch. Do I hope for a new relationship? Yes.

 

I grow weary of human brown outs. I am not a false hope sort of guy nor a big believer in magic thinking.

 

This woman was and remains important to me. I was asking for perspective like your direct responses and thank you for them.

 

People like Darcy and Sharky don't actually answers questions. They impose their dark views on anyone they can imagine they respond to. And it's always the same response. I've done my share of reading the same replies to anyone that is looking to recover a relationship.

[hrdcore1337]

We are in similar circumstances, however I have been broken up for less time and I have only initiated contact 2 times, getting cold responses.

 

After I saw she's most likely seeing another guy, I backed off.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I firmly believe that you have one chance to form a meaningful relationship with someone.

 

Unless you two were good friends whilst not being in a relationship, I don't believe you have a chance of getting back together.

[sharky988]

People don't come here to be slammed every time they ask for a bit of advice. I don't get why so many of you weathered 'veterans' here constantly err on the side of negativity alllllll the time. Seems a bit counter-productive to me.

 

Had you been reading OP's posts about his situation with his ex the past several months, you'd have a hard time selling him sunshine and unicorns. However, it's easy to take one single post at face value, have no idea of his particular history with this ex, and encourage him to "go for it!!!!" even though this is terrible advice, given his circumstance.

 

Darcy's helped MANY people on this site, as have many of the "veterans" here. But thanks for your continued input on how people SHOULD be posting -- I'm sure everyone here will strive to live up to the high standards you've set with all 28 of your posts so far!

[catfeeder]

If you've made your interest in reconciling very clear to her, then you've done your part, and all you can really do to reinforce that is to stay in occasional contact for as long as you're willing to keep your door open to her.

 

If there's any doubt that she has clearly understood where you stand, then you have nothing to lose by speaking frankly and making sure that she knows where you stand. I mean, you've got enough water under the bridge to drop any defenses--you've been apart long enough to not really care about scorekeeping, right?

 

You're the one who gets to decide when you're ready to drop any preoccupation with her. If it keeps you motivated and hopeful, that's one thing--if it keeps you miserable and longing, then it's a quality of life issue that you can opt to address when you want to.

[Raoul]

Thanks 'cat'. For your clear thinking and writing.

[beingawesome]

I find trying to guess someone's emotions or motivations to be a pointless exercise. You will never really know unless she tells you, so why go off of false assumptions? If you're both adults you should be able to have an honest and open conversation about reconciliation. And if the other person isn't willing or isn't forthcoming, then that's the end. She's not interested in getting back together.

[Raoul]

That is what I'm working on BA. It's difficult enough for us to see each other, even if that's what we both want.

 

I'll take the risk, that I'm good at.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Never]

I have been in a similar situation. Except my ex always seemed super happy to hear from me. One day i decided to tell him i wanted to try again but he said no (this was after being friends with him for 9 months after BU- i BU with him initially- twice..stupid me- wanted to try again). We then continued be "friends" another year after that. He expressed regret in not going for it but not enough to *actually* do anything about it.

 

Things were left on a really positive note but our friendship faded after we both found someone new.

 

I don't know your story outside of this one post. I would have said to go for it and tell her how you feel until you said she's seeing someone, which i think changes things in my book.

[Shane Falco]

As I said in the initial post, I am working just to be back in touch. Do I hope for a new relationship? Yes.

 

I grow weary of human brown outs. I am not a false hope sort of guy nor a big believer in magic thinking.

 

This woman was and remains important to me. I was asking for perspective like your direct responses and thank you for them.

 

People like Darcy and Sharky don't actually answers questions. They impose their dark views on anyone they can imagine they respond to. And it's always the same response. I've done my share of reading the same replies to anyone that is looking to recover a relationship.

 

Most breakups aren't sunshine and rainbows dude. The vast majority of the time reconciliations do not happen, and the vast majority of people who try for them are either a) clumsy bulls in packed china shops or b) are trying to manipulate or "hustle" their ex into feeling something for them. I'm not as well read on your situation, but you seem more like a Case B to me. I've seen Sharky and Darcy help a ton of people in your situation, and I tend to agree with most of what they say. It may seem like "accross-the-board" advice, but there's a reason for that. Everyone wants to think that their situation is a unique snowflake, and on the micro level, it is. However, on the macro level, those snowflakes tend to end up in the same storm -- they don't fly 600 miles to another storm.

 

If you don't like their advice, you don't have to follow it. But you are trying to play thought police it seems. Acting like a bratty child because someone doesn't tell you what you want to hear seems like a waste of time to me. They aren't trying to conspire against you and other posters in your situation. They are trying to give you a reality check, because in general, their "harsh" views are right more often than not. The diversity of thought are what makes this site valuable -- you going on a jihad against posters who share certain views is more counterproductive than their views in the first place. Ultimately, it's up to you though if you want to keep bickering.

 

No one says you have to agree with them. But the pissy attitude doesn't make you a very sympathetic figure in this dispute. Calm down, relax, and move forward. Go get 'em team.

[Shane Falco]

I have been in a similar situation. Except my ex always seemed super happy to hear from me. One day i decided to tell him i wanted to try again but he said no (this was after being friends with him for 9 months after BU- i BU with him initially- twice..stupid me- wanted to try again). We then continued be "friends" another year after that. He expressed regret in not going for it but not enough to *actually* do anything about it.

 

Things were left on a really positive note but our friendship faded after we both found someone new.

 

I don't know your story outside of this one post. I would have said to go for it and tell her how you feel until you said she's seeing someone, which i think changes things in my book.

 

Agree with this. The presence of the other guy is problematic.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with this. I think the "newbies" might not have read past histories, so don't have that perspective to add. When you take one post at face value, it is VERY easy to say go for it.

 

I actually think this "go for it" attitude is incredibly selfish and callous when that person is seeing someone else. So, you don't mind dipping into another relationship for your own personal happiness? You don't think she's going to treat you badly if she can treat someone else that badly?

 

When this forum started a long time ago, it was about helping couples who had decided to reconcile navigate the challenges of getting back together.

 

Instead, it became a hub for people who were dumped and trying desperately to "get back their ex." Unfortunately, gimmicks and games don't work. Straightforwardness and integrity is what it is. If you act with honesty and ethics and she/he is not responsive, it's best to let it go. Trying over and over for someone who isn't putting in the work and/or is with someone else is fruitless and demonstrates a real struggle to move on.

[Raoul]

I hear you Shane and Never. And I'm good.

 

As for thought police, I don't run this place and don't want to. I am well past blithely accepting what amounts to cut-and-paste derision.

 

The cynics that spend all their time here telling others they should be miserable just like them don't run this place either. They just post thousands of re pastes of their own malaise. If I want to get depressed, I'll reach out to them. If they won't leave me be, they choose.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.