A Question

[From_Now_On]

The divorce rate these days is depressing. Why do people even bother getting married? Does "love" even exist anymore? It seems like everyone is so quick to just...throw it all away. All these forums I read about people whom have "lost interest" in their hubby, or they just...don't see him/her in "that" sense anymore. Some even say, "I realize I never did love him/her". Le sigh. This all sounds so promising. Does anyone even see marriage as a "forever" sort of deal any more? My parents are divorced...and, I'm glad they are, despite all the custody issues. There were other struggles tied into it as well, of course. But all in all, I know it's better for me that they are apart. I can't imagine it any other way really. And I have a half brother I wouldn't give up for the world. But honestly, divorce...and the way people so easily come to this 'resolution' (if you can even call it that)...has made my hopes for finding someone that I could be with forever completely disapear. I could "fall in love" entirely with someone, marry them, think that everything was wonderful...and he could cheat on me. Or lose interest in me. Or decide he, "never really loved me". Is marraige all just lies? Just an act? Just a convenience for two people who plan on being together "for awhile". Heck, why don't we just change the wedding vows to "To have and to hold...Til' we divorce". It's like...expected almost these days. Inevitable. Can someone please tell me what's the point in even trying these days? Why bother even going through with a marriage? You know one thing I don't get? They won't let gays get married because it "makes a mockery" of marriage. It looks to me like society has already done that. So why sit here and say, "Well, we need to keep marriage holy." Marriage isn't holy anymore. Is there anyone out there who is happily married? If so please, leave a comment. It'd be so uplifting to know somewhere out there it really worked. I've lost all my faith in forever.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

In fact no one knows what is love all about. Some say it comes and goes and define that as love. Some say love is a form of memory treasuring like switch187. Some will say love is falling for one in first sight, like Heretic. And the list can go on.

 

We dun know u see. I also dun know what love is. We dun know who will comes next, who goes next. Whom we have happier moments, whom we dun have and have yet to come.

 

But i do know, love has a problem of solving their own problems quite in a funny way. U see people are much attracted to someone whom of the same feather of themselves in a certain way and as they learned something, they move on to the next flock of birds.

 

Love is to love someone whom is so difficult to love, to learn love. Then when u had learnt, u are given someone to love u better. This is how it goes. Everybody's life lessons are different, but love lessons are for certain.

 

Thanks for reading i hope u comprehend what i wrote

[sisterlynch]

I think that people need to look deeply at their situation, and each situation is different. Some people are able to commit, it is like a sense of security to know that this special person will love you forever, until the day that you die...it is very comforting.

 

People need to marry young, I think. When you are older, you will be too cynical about people and less trusting of others in general. So I feel that it is best to meet someone in your early 20's and if it seems right, do it.

 

If it doesn't seem right, then don't let others force you to do it. I also don't understand why gays can't marry, they have every right to marry, I feel. It seems silly to keep people from being in love or from having sex if they don't fit the norm. People are just too rigid.

[Double J]

People need to marry young, I think. When you are older, you will be too cynical about people and less trusting of others in general. So I feel that it is best to meet someone in your early 20's and if it seems right, do it.

 

I don't know about that. Getting married so young is a huge decision. Marriages at that age usually don't seem to work out. I think a good age range to get married is in one's 30's, if not, late 20's.

[shes2smart]

People need to marry young, I think. When you are older, you will be too cynical about people and less trusting of others in general. So I feel that it is best to meet someone in your early 20's and if it seems right, do it.

 

 

Gotta disagree with that. People change and do so much growing up between their late teens and early 30's...what you're looking for in a mate at 22 is vastly different than what you're looking for at 32.

 

Weird thing is I was just reading "New Passages: Mapping Your Life accross Time" by Gail Sheehy...it's about the predictable psychological changes we go through as we age.

 

Because of the increased lifespan, everything's been bumped back about 10 years....where most people tended to move out of their parents' homes and become independent in their late teens and early 20's, now it's more common to see it happen in their mid to late 20's. What used to be typical in attitude and psychological outlook for 40 year olds is now more likely not to crop up until one hits 50.

 

In the book, Sheehy quotes from a study by Arthur Norton and Louisa Miller called "Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the 1990's" from the US Bureau of Census Special Studies:

The older we are when we marry for the first time, the less likely the marriage is to end up on the trash heap.

 

I got maried when I was 38. Prior to that, I simply wasn't ready. There was a lot of societal pressure for me to get married right up until my early 30's when everybody finally backed off -- or maybe I finally got some sense quit caring what others thought. Fortunately, I did not have to contend with pressure to get married from my family. My parents married late in life for their generation (he was 32, she was 28...in the early 1960's) and both had established professional careers. Neither was or is exactly thrilled with their marriage experience (as they'd both indicated to me separately on several ocaisions) so they weren't exactly pushing me down the aisle.

 

I saw a number of my single female friends and co-workers buckle under societal and familial pressure and marry the next guy who asked when they got to their mid- to late-20's. Some of them have come to regret that. Some of them are doing fine. Some of them have gone through some difficulties and decided to stay together, even though not completely satisfied.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

To From_Now_On -

 

I wouldn't let the high divorce rate get you down. Keep in mind that a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons (such as: she turns up pregnant, family pressure, one or the other or both is blinded by lust, one or both partners are lonely and can't stand to be single, one partner pushes the other into it, and so on). Get married for the wrong reasons and yes, you will probably wind up regretting it and feel the need to correct the course of your life.

 

So, how do you make sure you don't become a statistic? You make sure you're whole and complete unto yourself BEFORE you even consider getting married. When we are comfortable with and enjoy our own company, and we know we are capable of getting our physical, emotional, etc. needs met by ourselves then we don't place all those expectations on a partner. Something that on the surface looks selfish and self centered -- a focus on personal growth -- in actuality makes us LESS selfish.

 

If you know you are fine on your own and that you are capable of getting your needs met by yourself, you're much more likely to be able to give with no thought of return and you're much more able to compromise instead of insisting on having things your way. If you have a clear sense of yourself and who you are, it's actually easier to become an "us"...because you don't feel you're losing yourself.

 

You also need to put the institution of marriage into an historical context. It's only in the last few hundred years that society has wrapped up marriage and romance into one nice, neat, easy-to-sell package. Prior to that it was primarily a business arrangement between families. Due to shorter life spans in the past, "til death do us part" usually ended up being less than 10 years. We're trying to apply that concept to a time where the average lifespan is about double what it was.

 

For additional information along these lines, I'll refer you to "Love 101: To Love Oneself Is The Beginning of a Lifelong Romance" by Peter McWilliams.

[Princess777]

Being divorced twice and on my way to the third, I can say that the reasons for mine varied, and YES it is embarrassing and YES it seems wrong and YES it stinks and YES I hate the fact that it happened/is happening.

 

But as sisterlynch said, it depends on each situation. I think the main problem that I had is that I expected two of the men to change. The main thing to remember is that PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE for the most part. No matter what. There is a rare percentage of people who do as the result of a life altering event, but usually, what you see is what you get and if there is anything about them that annoys you, it will only get worse!!!!!!!

 

I have also learned through my bad experiences and crappy track record that communication is key and don't get married too early. I think that I married all of them too soon, before I could see how they'd be in the long run. Live with the person for several years before taking the plunge. It will save you a LOT of heartache down the road. I don't agree with holding off on everything until you're married, that's just not practical. You've got to test drive it. My problem is I got married before I figured out that I had lemons.

 

Good luck,

[sisterlynch]

You don't have to agree this is just the way that I see life...

 

When you are in high school, no body is married except the adults, the teachers, your parents, etc, your parents friends, so when you are young, all the people in your age group are unmarried.

 

In the early 20's people start to make adult choices, where to go to college, when to get married, and then you meet someone that you fall in love with, and it seems like the right person. Chances are that you will break up, move in together, or date for a while and then get married, right?

 

So out of those three choices, who has the best chance of staying in a long-term relationship? Those that marry before they really experience too much.

 

The more that you experience, the more likely you are to be jaded by those life experiences. If I married today, who knows what I would get, I married when I was 23 to my high school sweetheart, and we still have a very good relationship.

 

Here is another odd thing that happens...when we are young, the boys have a sexual/social agenda, to get with a girl and then get the heck out, right? Not always, but a lot of the time. Some guys don't have that big of an issue with relationships, these are the good ones. the guys who have a lot if rules and standards, are probably going to be very hard to please in the long run.

 

Those people who wait until they are getting into their thirties to get married are probably doing so as a last resort, not a first resort, like when you are in your early 20's and you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

If you continue to date all through your twenties and never find someone to marry, well, that to me just seems wrong, you probably had a lot of bad experiences or very limited experiences to deal with, or you were very concerned with your job and getting ahead, neither of these traits make a very good spouse, I feel...this is only my persective. I come from a large family and I am a middle child, so I have a very jaded sense of what I am looking for...

 

When you are in your early 20's you don't know a lot about life, so you are still very innocent and naive about what the world will hold for you, so you can still be hopeful about the future. Maybe this is too personal, I don't know if others feel this, but as I got older I lost a lot of my sense of self and purpose in life. When you are in your early 20's you know everything, right? You are still "fresh" -- as you gain maturity in this life, you develop bad traits of viewing others with a lack of respect, and a lack of forgiveness...this is only me, that I am speaking for, I don't know how others feel.

 

People who marry early, I feel do so for the right reasons, those who marry later do so for social reasons, or the wrong reasons, I feel.

 

Another thing to worry about as you age, you change physically. Someone in their early twenties is at the peak of their attractiveness, and if you don't know them at that time, then you never knew them at their best...

[shuntaro603]

i think love will change over time, u have to work hard to prevent it from changing. Some people doesn't pay attention to love, and when they realize it, love has changed. but i guess only people in love really know whta love is, LOL

 

Happy Holidays

[Yorkrose23]

I don't think you can ever predict when you will meet your soulmate or the person you want to marry. If it happens when you're in your twenties, that's when it happens. If it happens in your thirties, that's when it happens. You can't always make a blueprint of your life's events.

If you want to get married in your twenties then you should, people should just do it when they're ready. My parents got married when they were 22, and are still married for 41 years. My grandmother got married at 16 and was married for 64 years. Conversely, I've seen people get married at 35, and get divorced the next year. So, I really don't think age has much to do with it. Everyone's different.

Now in terms of why people even get married:

Well, people change. At every age. Many men cheat, and many women can't forgive them when they do, so that is a big reason. She may really love the man but not be able to live with someone who wronged her. Some men get abusive after getting married. This happened to my cousin.

She and her husband were very much in love when they got married- then after 7yrs, for no apparent reason, he started beating her. So obviously, she got divorced. Some women change after having children.

Some people get married for convenience. Also, people's priorities change. For example someone who never worried about money, may, during a financial crisis, obsess over money. This might drive the other person crazy. And some people just stop appreciating their spouse and start taking them for granted, which can make a person feel no longer loved.

In my opinion, the main reason people get divorced is because people don't communicate enough. I think a lot of times, if one party of the marriage is unhappy they don't communicate their unhappiness to their partner(worried about hurting their feelings) when they should discuss it and try to fix it. Instead the problem lingers and eventually one of the people will seek solace elsewhere. Whether it be another person or becoming obsessed with work or being consumned elsewhere. Then you have one person upset because they have no clue why their marriage is falling apart, and the other person mad that the problem hasn't been resolved. Then some people find it easier to just move on rather than to try and try again.

Don't fret: There still are many people who do get married for the right reasons and stay together. Some people get married because they think it's what they want but then when they have it, it wasn't what they expected. But I would give people the benefit of the doubt: Alot of people really work hard on their marriage, but sometimes problems come up that just can't be resolved. Hey, you can be one of those people (when you ready of course) that sets the example of a married couple staying together.

[shes2smart]

Sisterlynch:

 

Boy howdy are we at opposite ends of the spectrum as to how we view life Although, I've noticed this in several other threads we've both participated in.

 

Doesn't make either one of us right or wrong, but just goes to show how people can have very different life experiences and still come out ok. I wouldn't trade the life and experiences I've had for the world, and I imagine you feel the same way about your life and experiences.

 

We all come into this world to learn different things and will, thereforeeee, be presented with widely different options. I don't believe it is life's experiences that make a person jaded or bitter...the things that happen just are...it is how one chooses to interpret events that determines their postive or negative impact on one's life and character.

 

Merry Christmas to you and all.

[From_Now_On]

Thank you everyone for your comments. They were all very well thought out and I appreciated the responses and the time taken on them as well as the thought put into them.

 

 

I guess one of the hardest things for me really is just that...I see so many marriages fall to pieces. Now, I've never been big on the "love, romance, perfect relationship" thing, and I'm not trying to sound naive. But, if I were ever to really marry someone. I would have to be convinced that I did truly care about this person and that they cared about me. I would not go into a marraige with the idea of divorce even being a possibility. IF issues like abuse or something came out of nowhere, I'd deal with it then. But except for those extreme cases, (which I would only even consider when/IF they came up), marriage would mean: "I want to be with you forever and I will." Is this all crazy talk? I've been jaded into the belief that it's impossible. Which is why I never will get married. Unless someone comes along and proves me wrong. And as much as I doubt that happening...I still can't help but hold onto the hope. And it's just hard to think that I might actually come to believe in it all...get married...and then 1, 5, 10, 20 years down the road. He'll realize he 'never loved me' or w/e else and it will all have been nothing and I'll be heart broken.

 

I guess ya just never know.

 

Thanks to everyone again.

[mrNobody]

I too lost faith in the sanctity of marriage. I thought when I married my wife that she would be with me forever. When I made those vows I meant it. No matter what, I will do whatever it takes to make it work. But when the other person gives up, it falls apart. What people don't understand these days is that marriage takes a lot of work. Perhaps it's just a different generation. My parents have been married for many long years. They had their share of arguments, but divorce never once came up. They come from a completely different generation. IMO, people today give up too easily. It's like divorce is the easy way out. Also, people just got to accept and be happy with what they got. Don't always think there's someone better out there. There may be. But if people think like that they will always be constantly looking and never be satisfied. Just my opinion.

[anotherone]

Before marriage, we dated for over two years in college, moved in together after college (stayed together for over two years ) and got married on the fifth year. So we know each other very well and I was so sure that she was the one that I want to spend my life with..

I did not push her into marriage, she gave me a hint and I did not have a second thought about not saying yes.I have the same thought about marriage like "mrNobody" .I was not a perfect husband, but I respected our marriage and was willing to work on it. She just run away without trying to make it work. The 7 years of commitment was in a trash within less than two weeks. I just have to say lesson learned. " It takes two…"

[cleverme123]

Everyone is different. In my early 20's I was prepared to give up my life and wound up having a child. I was not into partying or drinking, hanging in clubs or bars. I matured very fast due to my family situation. Some people are ready. My mistake was the first time I married for money and thought the love would follow. After going through 4 years and always feeling sad and alone I decided that I had to end it. It made me feel crappy but I can't see stringing someone along for the fun of it.

 

My second marriage is vastly different but we get along fine, we work through issues and can talk openly about any and everything. I doubt seriously anything will happen between us that we can't work out, we both have dealt with a great deal of crap and now we kinda found each other.

 

Situations, people, ideas of relationships, past experiences, how you grew up, it all factors in on how relationship will go. Some people are quick to run, other people will stay until the boat has got hit, is sinking, and there is no way off. IT just depends on what level you commit yourself to someone else and what you expect.

 

Basically, you can't expect someone to change for you. You can't expect everything to be perfect all the time. You have to be able to trust (unless you have really good reason not too.) You do trial and error and see what works and doesn't. In the end you make a choice, you decide that if this is for you or if it isn't. You will never change statistics, but you can change yourself.