dealing with his belongings after bad break up..

[staysound]

ok so..

we've been broken up since last sunday while being on holiday.

Over a really trivial argument, if you want to read how this came to happen this is the link to my last post about it.

 

Living together, he has come to collect all of his stuff on thursday. He wanted to come and pick it up the next day after arriving back home, but I needed my home and at least a day to breathe after driving all those hours next to somebody who just broke up with me and said all those nasty things.

 

I sat outside the whole time while him and his friend put his stuff in his van.

Didn't want to look and participate in any way.

When finished he came back in and gave me my house key, he wanted to talk a little but I refused, too hurt, I was only going to be extremely defensive, even while saying I didn't want to talk, what's the use anyway.

 

Why talk if you don't want to be with me? No use..

 

Thing is..

he was gone and only then I noticed he left two things behind:

his daughters' bed and her picture.

 

Our breakup was not mutual but I made it mutual, meaning, he said during our big fight on our holiday that he didn't want to be with me anymore and I said 'well, then there's two of us, me neither'

(fight was more complicated than that, but that's the bottom line, important though, he had pushed and kicked me and that's a big no no for me so..)

 

Now…

I demanded through text he'd come back and collect the bed.

He didn't respond. Sent an email, didn't respond.

I don't want to be confronted with the loss of her as well every day. It's just not healthy.

I'm not going to go too deep into the 'why did he not take the bed with him because that would only make me doubt the seriousness of his decision and actions.

But I know his daughter really likes the bed she has in my home.

 

He left his bike as well. I don't have one.

Yesterday there was a little festival in our area and all of my friends were going by bike. I made the stupid decision to text him (very cold though) to tell him I was going to use his bike.

I know…. I shouldn't have.. but I did.

He answered that I could definitely use it and made a joke (!) about me not being very good at riding bikes. I gave a very distant reply and then nothing.

 

I really want him to come and collect the bed, otherwise I would be forced to give it away or sell it.

I know his ex before me and the one before that still have stuff of him and I don't want to be another ex with stuff of him in my home, only for him to be able to come by with an excuse.

I don't want to play garage for him like those other girls obviously did.

 

But I really also don't want to just throw away such a lovely bed (which it is) and by that maybe hurt his little girl.

 

Any ideas on how to approach this without it looking like I reach out to him just for the sake of contact OR spite, but to really lose this bed without hurting his daughter?

 

Long post for maybe a silly question but at this moment I'm having difficulties seeing the wood for the trees.

[abitbroken]

If the items belong to his daughter, you should give them back. You should see if he contacts you in the next few days to see if he lets you know he forgot it. If not, I would carefully pack and mail him his daughter's picture. If quite large, I would disassemble the bed and include the picture and inform him that a friend of yours is dropping them off to him and to arrange a time or day. If this just a bedframe and he slept on it - its replaceable, but I don't think the little girl should be hurt more than she will be and I think you should get it back to her.

 

It is not spiteful to try and resolve these things quickly so they are not hanging over your head. You won't look like you are just contacting him to contact him if you are business like - and doing it through a friend may even be better. Just say "You left Suzie's picture of a unicorn and her bed here. I have a friend that is willing to come bring it to you. They can drop it off on X day or x day at this time. Ask him to respond with a time, or give him the other person's number." That is all you need to do.

[staysound]

thank you for your reply abitbroken, thing is, I have texted him and emailed him with this question

and explained the importance for his girl as well as for me. He hasn't responded to this specific question.

I suspect he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that he broke something up for her too.

I did send a text afterwards, later that day, that I had loved him and I was going to miss him and I didn't wanted to be the one to put us through anymore hurt (not referring to the bed and picture though, just in general)

He responded by saying he didn't wish to talk through text (has always been like this) and that we 'could talk' when we stopped blaming one another.

Ok, reasonable, don't know if that is something that would be good for either of us, broken up... what's left to say..

 

I could text him again maybe a bit later this week, because the fact remains I want the bed gone.

The picture I'm referring to is a picture of his daughter. I had put it on a shelf in my (our) livingroom, he could easily see it standing there while he was collecting his stuff yet didn't take it.

I don't understand that either, wanting to break up with me and leaving those things behind.

 

The asking a friend idea would be great if we had a mutual friend with a car that large..but I can't think of anybody.

And I desperately want it gone, I can't walk past the room without taking a glance at it every time and if he doesn't want to be with me,

it should go asap.

[randy33]

junk it. he obviously doesn't care about it.

 

NO point in holding onto it for his daughter as if it meant anything to her, she would be nagging her daddy to pick it up.

 

He sounds like he is just trying to manipulate the situation ( as are you by continueing to text him )

 

I would advise eliminate anything he has/ had that reminds you of him and start NC asap.

[abitbroken]

The mistake you made was to tell him that you loved him, that this was important to you to come get it, etc. You should have remained business like. If you just broke up Sunday, I wouldn't take a day of silence as meaning he does not want them. He could not be contacting you fearing you are going to start begging him back or he needs to figure out how to get it or he is busy with his daughter or relatives. Please stick to business. Put the picture in the mail to him without checking in with him again and without any note included. And if you want him to have the bed back, then arrange with a friend. Either send him a note that "Betsy Sue will be dropping off the bed on X day or X day. Here is Betsy Sue's number to tell her which time."

[staysound]

again, the friend thing is not an option right now, we live in a city, a lot of people are in no need of cars around here, but I do catch your drift abitbroken, thank you.

 

You are right, I did make that mistake of telling him I loved and missed him, if he would too as much as I do he'd be here with me right..

 

We only have one unfinished business, he's a tattoo artist and just started a (personal design) piece on me, unfinished now, he told me he'd still want to do it, wouldn't hear of me paying for it (because I asked him to give me an estimate of the cost) only said he wouldn't do the work any time too soon because he would 'hurt me too much' (meant to be cynical)

 

I have been thinking of giving the design to another artist but this is something that would hurt him tremendously (and I still understand that) and also I'll carry it for life, I want it to be done good and, well, he is..

This makes the bed-thing almost ridiculous now I reread it..

 

pfff..

 

I should probably just give it some more, and I mean a lot more, time.. and not do anything or say anything in the mean time. Go NC full extent..

 

It's not that I wouldn't want him back in my life, it's that I can't because of what happened.

[ParisPaulette]

Get a friend to load the bed and the other belongings up, you take it over there, you leave it. Be done with it all. My sense is he deliberately left these things there to try and keep a toehold in your life. If I recall this is the guy who turned emotionally and physically abusive while you both were on holiday, yes? He's not going to respond and just come get the stuff, because it allows him to keep some semblance of control over you. And if you stop answering him then he'll likely get his daughter to start contacting you about the bed--classic moves for an abuser.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and just gather the stuff up, drop it into his yard with your friends and tell him there it is. Then walk away and delete and block him. Yes, it's a pain in the rear, but not half as much as him having that control over you that means he still gets to yank your chain and try to manipulate you when he feels like it.

 

And let another artist finish the tattoo. Stop worrying about his feelings, he should have thought of that before he got violent with you. He certainly wasn't worried about hurting your feelings or you when he was kicking you, remember?

[staysound]

ParisPaulette, you are certainly right.

I don't think it's that much about control, frankly, I think he just really doesn't care.

 

The dropping the bed at his place with a friend is really not an option to me, it would be so much hassle ànd would require contact with him and make me out to be the chaser again, he doesn't have a front yard, dropping it at his front door is disrespectful and I'm not that person.

 

I will give it another week and if I haven't got any reply by then on my last week attempts to arrange the pickup of the bed I will sell it.

After all, his daughter is his responsibility only now, not mine, and although I hate the idea of her having to do without her bed, I hate the idea more of how he's handling her loss of me, he just simply isn't.

 

His lack of respect he has shown for me and my feelings, he's also showing it to her by just pretending to her all of a sudden that I don't exist.

Not my problem any more.

 

I can do better. I will do better.

About the tattoo, it would definitely sting for him if I take it to another artist, but I won't take action on that one right now. I'm totally against any form of 'revenge' and now would be too soon not to maybe regret my decision.

 

I will let that one rest for a while and see how strong and healed I feel within a couple of months.

 

Thank you for your advice..

and PP, 'he certainly wasn't worried about hurting your feelings or you when he was kicking you'

 

He doesn't even see where he went wrong there, he says I'm overreacting and a drama queen, and about hurting my feelings he only replies with 'you've hurt mine too'.

 

Yeah.. erhm.. no.

[ParisPaulette]

Or you could wait as you said, stay NC and heal and then take the unfinished tattoo and let another artist turn it into something different, a different design, a fresh start. That's what I would do. I don't think that's so much "revenge" as it is just common sense. Why would one ever, ever let someone who had physically hurt them get near them with any sort of sharp implement again. The chances of someone who's done what he did deciding to get revenge and hurting or scarring you up are definitely a valid concern considering the side of him you already saw. Particularly since he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did and refuses to own that.