Question about politeness

[Kattie]

When my husband comes through the door, he'll say hello, may make a remark or two about something, and then he goes off to do his own thing leaving me to make dinner. He'll come eat when I call him and makes virtually no conversation at the table. In fact, most times he'll do a puzzle or be in his own world. Afterwards, he may wash the dishes, while I clean up, and then he takes off again to do his own thing. Should I consider this rude? Is this typical for married couples? Perhaps my hurt feelings are me making more of this behaviourt than I should.

 

He is entitled to his own hobbies and space, and I don't want to manage his time or be a pest, but should he engage in a few minutes of conversation and perhaps even offer me some help with the dinner? We're apart all day. He insists on me calling him during the day, even if I am tied up at work, and if I disappear to go do something (usually a chore, as there seems to be no end of them) he questions me on what I am up to. Once he has checked up, he usually disappears again.

 

What is right in this situation? What should I say or do when this happens?

[jjkk]

Do you attempt to engage in conversation? What things do you do to spend time w/ him after work? I think it's normal to have some alone time and space after work. How much varies by couple. If this has been your routine for awhile it may be something he doesn't really think about anymore. Maybe ask him to join you for a walk, watch a TV show w/ you, or play a card game.

[RedDress]

I don't think there is a 'right' or a 'wrong' to relationships. It's all about what you are both comfortable with.

 

Is it that you miss him and want to connect with him more or on a deeper level? Does it need to be every day? Or just in general? Is it that you feel you are doing more of your fair share of chores and you want more help with them (whether it be with dinner or otherwise)?

 

I think that you should try to pinpoint what it is about the situation that bothers you and communicate that to him. He may not fulfill it in the exact way that you would expect (ie: maybe he will want to take on the laundry instead of dinner or maybe he will want to 'connect' after dinner rather than before) - but if you can communicate your needs, together you can look at how to fulfill them that suits both of you.

[Kattie]

He does virtually no chores and always declines my suggestions for activities. If I engage him in conversation, he gives a one word answer and walks away. We only watch TV together. He won't undertake any activities that can include me.

[Realitynut]

Please get the book The 5 love Languages. There is one for couples. But pretty much the same for everyone. It's a very easy read....and one of the problems was dealing with exactly what you are talking about!!

 

Everyone wants/needs love in different ways. You need TIME. Time for conversation...time to be heard.

 

Anyway, get it. Then let your husband read it. There is a part in the back for a small test to see what language you really are. You probably are a bit of a couple of them.

 

Words of affirmation (yay...like i love you...or you look really pretty in that dress)

Touch (not just sex....hugs, holding hands) I like that one too!!!

Time/doing things together (mine

Doing things for the other person...like chores, fixing your car (can't remember the exact language name!)

Gifts (my least fav)

 

It really can open up a conversation with your husband. Lots of churches make this a MUST READ before marriage!

 

Good luck!

[RedDress]

If you had to pick your battle, which one would you pick?

 

Would you be happier if he did more chores but continued to not to activities with you, not engage in conversations with you? Or would you be happier with the current chore arrangement if he engaged with you more - both in activities and in conversation?

 

I think this is a "pick your battles" situation. Your husband won't become a completely different person overnight.

[Realitynut]

He does virtually no chores and always declines my suggestions for activities. If I engage him in conversation, he gives a one word answer and walks away. We only watch TV together. He won't undertake any activities that can include me.

 

ok...i wrote my response before i read your last reply.

 

Out of the 5 love languages he wont do at LEAST 3 of them...probably more.

 

He won't do chores for you...one of the languages.

 

He won't do activities with you. One of the languages.

 

He won't talk to you. One of the languages.

 

So he probably doesn't give you words of affirmation...or gifts either.

 

or touch.

 

That's ALL of them. No wonder you aren't feeling loved. You need help...fast!

[Kattie]

The book sounds enlightening. I think I will read it anyway. Thx.