"No sex before marriage" mentality

[Sam _]

I've been single for a few months and I've been talking to this one girl on a dating site. So far, we're really hitting it off considering we message each other every night and they're often fairly long messages. We only talked off-hand about sex once and that was when I asked her what her views on premarital sex were. She said she doesn't believe in sex before marriage since she feels she requires true commitment beforehand and believes that people should not give into hormones. When I mentioned that I feel sex is an important part of a relationship and that it wasn't just hormones, that sex is a way to express intimacy, love, trust, and (at times) lust for the person you love. Her response was that, while she agrees, she has never been in love or even a real boyfriend.

 

Granted, I feel I can't really be in a relationship that has no sex until marriage (which is basically an indefinite period of time). I've actually never dated a girl that said she didn't believe in sex before marriage and I understand and respect her choice, but the fact that she's never been in love or had a boyfriend before makes me wonder if I should take the whole "no sex before marriage" with a grain of salt and just go for a relationship, then let things go wherever they go naturally. I'm also unsure how exactly to bring it up or discuss this with her without making it sound like I want sex more than her, because she matters more than sex obviously if we are truly as compatible in-person as we seem online.

 

Any thoughts or advice?

[abitbroken]

No, you should not take it with a grain of salt. You should take it that it is her word and opinion and what she wants. Don't date her and say "well..i am going to make her change"

 

If you can't respect that, then don't date her. Or go out with her a few times and see if it is worth it to date her and wait yourself. Also, there are some people who wait for sex but do kiss, etc. I think that its admirable, whether you are waiting or not, to be deliberate about sex instead of just "letting it happen".

[Sam _]

I don't mean to sound like I'm saying "I'll change her mind" because I'm not. What I mean is to let her make the decision on whether or not we should start going for it and that I feel she should know that I do expect sex in a committed premarital relationship. While I may hint towards it now and then, I wouldn't be going for it out of respect for that boundary since it is her decision. We should know each others' stances on the issue in more than just an off-hand, one-sentence mention.

[Realitynut]

My son...even tho he was younger than you....dated a girl many years who wanted to wait until marriage. It was easy since he was a senior in high school and she was away to college. They dated 3 years and eventually had sex.....then broke up.

 

I would say, lots of people when they are young, think they 'should' wait until marriage to have sex...but heck...i didn't get married until i was 32!!! so....

 

Also, my Mom (back in the 50's) wouldn't have sex until she was married. Had a quick engagement....lol...6 months. I think that is one of the reason people DID get married back in the 'old day's'.....the women didn't put out. Now why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free mentality. That being said, many once they got married, found out they were sexually incompatible.

 

I would say, if you really like her, date her. Don't bring up the sex. If she wants to go further, take her lead. If after a year...and she still feels it's a no-go, and you are not comfortable with no sex....then move on.

 

My twin bro and his wife waited to have sex until they were married. Of course she was 19 and he was 21. But let me tell you....they did everything under the sun....except intercourse....but she still claimed virginity!

 

I would date her and see where it leads...but don't go into it with "i will change her mind'. You never want to pressure anyone into having sex....they will feel resentment.

 

I was with my guy for a year...and engaged before we had sex. Course we were each other's 'first'. After 3 years i broke it off, for someone else...who only lasted 2 months. Live and learn....

[Sam _]

Thing is, I don't really want to wait a year and break it off if all that's missing was sex. She seems like she's open and comfortable with discussing any topic with me since we've bounced between numerous topics, she said herself she is always very short-and-sweet in her messages so her long emails to me are "out of character for me". it's just I'm hesitant to start a full conversation about it and wind up rubbing her the wrong way if I say something the wrong way.

[bulletproof]

You're talking about "going for a relationship" when you haven't met in person yet? I think you're jumping the gun here.

[Sam _]

Not really. I feel that, if we are as compatible in-person as we seem online, that there definitely will be a good relationship in the future. That's different from wanting to dive into a relationship right now. I'm asking about premarital sex and how to approach the issue in general because this is the only girl I've met that doesn't believe in premarital sex.

[Realitynut]

If you hit it off.....and everything is great....and it's a year and the only thing that is missing is sex....then just get Married!!! of course if you love her. Why date a year..and if the only thing that is missing (hypothetically of course) is sex...doesn't mean you have to dump her....there are other alternatives.....like marriage. it isn't a dirty word!

 

But like Bullet said...you haven't even met!!!! lol

[abitbroken]

Not really. I feel that, if we are as compatible in-person as we seem online, that there definitely will be a good relationship in the future. That's different from wanting to dive into a relationship right now. I'm asking about premarital sex and how to approach the issue in general because this is the only girl I've met that doesn't believe in premarital sex.

 

Either you ask this girl out for coffee/ice cream and get to know her - not a full blown relationship - its just coffee/ice cream or you don't. If you both feel it is worth pursuing after meeting a few times, then you decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who is choosing to wait or not. If you are very young, it is good to go out on dates to go out on dates sometimes. You might meet and not like eachother or not be able to hold a conversation. Or you tell her that you believe people should have uncommitted sex early and often and find a girl who wants the same thing as you. But maybe this will be an eye opener for you if you never met someone that didn't believe in jumping in the sack right away and you might end up meeting a quality girl.

 

Who knows - but don't worry about "offending" her - just be honest with her about what you think and how you feel and either go out with her - or do not go out with her.

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with Bulletproof as to "jumping the gun." To each their own, but without knowing if you're compatible or if there's an attraction after meeting in person, you're way out of line with bringing up the subject of sex, IMO. This is not meant to sound offensive, and on the other hand, she may be hesitant to meet if this is making her uncomfortable.

 

Either way, I would take it one step at a time, along with being respectful of her wishes.

[CeeLambrini]

If it were me, 'wanting to wait' is already incompatible to me. I do value sex in a relationship, and respect others who don't and want to wait until a legal document is signed to experience that. However it does not mean I would date a person who thought like that and even give up my values in order to suit theirs.

Saying that, I agree with HeartGoesOn that sex shouldn't really be brought up before you have met. Then it definitely will look like that is all you are interested in.

In my opinion, if the plan is to date this girl until she falls in love with you to see if she'll put out or not, only for you to leave her when she doesn't - I think that is quite heartless. Take what people say seriously, if she says this is what she wants then whether or not there's a chance in the future for her to change her mind - don't even try. What matters is what she is telling you right now, and that is that her relationship values do not match with yours.

[wilyone 11]

I cannot tell you how many guys I've "hit it off with" online and had absolutely ZERO chemistry with in person.

 

You have this whole fantasy in your head of what she's like. When you write to her, you are writing to that fantasy person in your head. That's not who she really is.

 

When a woman takes a very firm position on pre-marital sex, I would go into it assuming she will not change her mind once she gains relationship experience.

[christwowheels]

I wouldn't necessarily say you for sure want sex more than she does. Just because she wants to wait until marriage doesn't mean she doesn't want sex, you know. So be careful about those assumptions. That said, based on what you already told her, you've kind of hinted that sex is important to you. So I don't think it is inappropriate for you to bring it up eventually, but I do agree that it is a too early to bring it up now.

 

Meet her in person. Have a nice time and see if you connect well in real space. Get a sense for whether she is someone worth waiting for. And do some thinking on the topic. And if at that time, again, after meeting, you feel it is necessary to discuss the topic, fine. Worst case scenario, she blocks you, but if you're really in need of premarital sex, then it is a long shot to begin with, so no worries.

 

But definitely have a date with her. At the very least you'll be able to spend time talking with someone you enjoyed writing to. And that's not nothing.

[redlightdriver]

Religion poisons everything.

[jess91]

I think that if you really want to be in a relationship with her, then you need to accept that she may never change her belief about not having sex before marriage. You are correct in thinking that she 'might' have a change of heart if you develop deep feelings for each other, however she might not.

 

The thing is, she may progress to really caring about you etc. and still decide not to have sex, at which point are you going to dump her? Or could you change your mind for her?

 

Its a tricky one. But if you don't believe you can be in a relationship without sex, then I would suggest not to get involved with someone who is not definitely going to participate in it with you as there is a big risk that you will both invest feelings only to get hurt in the future.

 

Hope you figure it all out

[christwowheels]

jess91 makes good points too. I would just really strongly suggest you open yourself up to the possibility that *for the right woman* you might wait if that was really important to her.

 

But just take her out on that first date and get a better feel for things. And yeah, keep an open mind. I agree that religion and a lot of this other stuff can suck, but it would also be tragic if this woman is an amazing connection but you miss out on her because you couldn't wait.

[Miss thing]

Heres what you should do, take this girl out for coffee. If the two of you have a nice time then go out on more dates. If you make it to like 6 dates then start bringing up the conversation. I just think there are some things that need to be spoken about face to face and if you have been out on like 6 dates then she will feel more comfortable in opening up and she would have got to know you enough to know that you're not trying to be sleazy, you just want some clarification.