Update, am I being played?

[g1llybabes]

 

 

I have shown above my previous thread and thought I would give an update.

 

I did some sould searching over my anxiety and communication style while waiting for him to call me and I found a lot of what I was doing was because I thought that was what I should do and I was so desperate not to fail this relationship I had lost the fun exciting me and turned into this nagging monster. It was a vicious circle that just snow balled out of control. I had lost all my self esteem and was taking for granted how full and exciting my life actually is ( in my spare time i teach dance and sing and perfom in musical theatre) as I was always worrying about my relationship.

 

Well he called on Sunday and we had a chat. I had previously written him an e-mail on the Saturday evening explaining my soul searching which he had read.

 

We agreed to talk only once a week and text when we felt we wanted to, however never texting to expect some immediate reply or a reply at all. I feel better with this, i have less anxiety about if I should or should not text or call to show my love. I am busy too and the coming months are going to be very busy for me also. But I cant help this want for some kind of validation of our realtionship. I suppose its only human to want every mistake forgotten and to go back to the happy exciting honeymoon phase.

 

We talked about closing the distance between us and he told me he was not ready to move in together, he did not want anything as serious as a financial commitment with anyone yet. He has a plan for work to save and buy his dream property. Work and money hold a huge amount of kudos for him as a measure of his success. Its like he needs to be at the very top of his game before he moves to the next stage of his life ( marriage/ children etc) He was very honest and said that may be a couple of years rather than months and he would like to keep things how they are.

 

I understood this and agreed that actually its not a good time for me to move away from my town soon either as my father is very sick and time with him is precious.

 

We then agreed to see how it goes.

 

I am now two days later torn between two feelings.

 

a. He used to text me and show he cared etc.. ( before I turned into a nagging monster and when he worked in a previous job) and he used to want to talk to me also. Have i tainited it forever that he is now happy with only talking once a week etc. Id like a little more but at this stage I didnt want anything to be forced. I know it will take time.

Do i need to exercise patience and hope that when he sees the real me shining through again things will pick up? I need to prove to him that this is not just a phase and Ill soon go back to nagging. I would love to go back to the time when we used to love to catch up every couple of days and have a laugh over the events of the days etc. and I used to get a text every now and again just telling me he loves me.

 

b. my second feeling is that I'm being played. Is he a man whos work life is now more important but is keeping my dangling on a string because I make him feel loved and wanted without him making any effort. Who has me travelling to see him every couple of months and we have fun weekends together. Who calls him once a week and he does not need to bother with me at any other time.

He has asked that we still be exclusive, he does not want me to date other men and says he still loves me.

 

I am at the moment taking time to appreciate my life and all the things in it but I really dont want to be played. I am willing to be patient and compromise as I love him and would love a life together, but if Im being played i dont want to be the puppy dog girl giving to everything he wants. I am worth so much more than that

[mhowe]

It is two DAYS after a heart to heart talk and you are already not "hearing" what was said.

 

He SAID --- his career and success are vital to him moving forward in a relationship. That it could be years.

That doesn't mean he loves you less --- it means that a serious commitment from him will be years down the road.

 

If you don't want to be the one to travel to see him....don't. Ask him to visit you.

 

Texting daily does not validate a relationship. It is not "human" to want every mistake to be forgotten and forgiven. It is naive.

 

I think that if you can stick to your compromise and not blow up his phone with texts/calls and neediness, he will be more forthcoming. Right now, he is

waiting to see if your words ring true.

[g1llybabes]

I have asked him to visit me, he says because the house I live in was my martial home it feels akward to him.

 

I dont think that a text will validate our realtionship. I didnt say that. I said I had a want for some kind of validation I dont know what.

 

I guess then I need to decide if I'm willing to wait. I am 34 I dont want to be another 2-3 years down the line still waiting for this man, only to find he was now ready to move into the next phase of his life but not with me and I was just a stop gap. I would one day like to have some children and hopefully live a happy life with someone.

When I got married that was what I wanted, but unfortunatley my husband thought it was better to cheat on me a total of 27 times during our 4 yr marriage ( these are just the ones that came out during our divorce) and one of those was on our wedding day.

 

I think that if you can stick to your compromise and not blow up his phone with texts/calls and neediness, he will be more forthcoming. Right now, he is

waiting to see if your words ring true.

 

I have done so. I have sent no emails or texts or called since our conversation and Im already looking forward to talking on Sunday and telling all about my rehearsals for my upcoming show.

 

I love him very much but I dont want to be taken for a sucker again. Lots of my friends think he is playing me, this is why I have asked the opinion of people here.

 

I know it is always honest without bias and from life experience.

 

Thank you mhowe. I needed that kick up the bum to just relax and see how things go

[mhowe]

I can see how the "marital home" might make him feel "off"....but it is your reality.

How far do you have to travel?

Do you have a child from your marriage?

 

Only you know the depth of your relationship.

How long have you been dating?

 

Because you were played before does not make current beau suspect.

 

Relax and enjoy. I really think when he sees you are not a nagging monster, he will step up.

[g1llybabes]

I understand how he would feel too, I would not like it if it was the other way round. That is why I never question me driving to him.

I have to travel aprox 2 hrs in the car to see each other

No I have no children, neither does he, however he is a couple of years younger than me.

We have been dating for 3 years

 

I hope he sees me shine through again. I had forgotten how many interesting things I did and how full my life was, and yes I do need to relax, but that is sometimes easier said than done

[mhowe]

It is much more fun to date an interesting person.

 

I love my bf --- but season depression makes him a bit "dull" in the winter months. I WAY love the man who emerges in the spring!!!

 

Laugh --- love --- live.......and it will all unfold.

[ParisPaulette]

These articles might help you decide whether or not the relationship is the right one for you. I won't say "played" because he's not doing that. He's asserting exactly what he wants and your feelings and/or needs just aren't a part of the equation for him. This in and of itself is the biggest problem you have, not whether or not he'll commit to you in some hazy distant future.

 

link removed

 

And after you read that one take the test for this one to give you information on whether he's serious about you or just passing time with you. link removed

 

The simple fact is, the actions and not the words, are what determine just how committed someone is to a relationship or not. And him not wanting you to date other people has nothing to do with his commitment level. It just means he wants you there when he wants you there and doesn't want to have to deal with getting someone else or you not being available when he needs you. Again, this is all about him, I just don't see you fitting into the equation anywhere. And that's concerning.

[g1llybabes]

I can see how the "marital home" might make him feel "off"....but it is your reality.

 

Because you were played before does not make current beau suspect.

 

Relax and enjoy. I really think when he sees you are not a nagging monster, he will step up.

 

I have had lots of fun this week, I am rehearsing for a show that opens in 3 weeks as well as work so times are busy.

 

I have not called or emailed or text since our talk on Sunday. I also have not yet heard from him either.

 

You are so correct mhowe he is waiting to see if my words ring true.

 

I have thought about him a lot today, wondering how his work project is progressing etc. so I decided to text him. I kept it light and phrased in such a way that it does not warrant a response

 

" Hi i hope you are having a good week Just thought Id let you know I was thinking of you xxx"

 

 

I feel quite good about sending it but then the old anxiety is setting in and I am wishing I hadnt in a few ways.

I have thought about him lots today and I really hope he starts to think of me again as he used to.

Im so excited to talk to him on Sunday I wish I could combat this anxiety.