Am i overreacting?

[Menopaws]

I have been dating this guy for a year n some.. Online for a year, he came to visit. We decided to date, so he decided to move to where i live and find a job, get his own place etc... Hes overall, a good guy. He seems passive, willing to please people and nice. But i have been having lil issues with his attitude lately. First off, im a single mom. I have a 9 year old girl. She has her moments sometimes (overly dramatic, prankster, whiney) etc.. He doesnt have any kids, so its been a bit hard for him to adjust to this. I sometimes dont like how sometimes he complains about her over the sillyest of things. Like for example, when he stays over on weekdays, we wake him up sometimes cause im walking around in my room looking for stuff to wear and sometimes she and i walk in to put perfume on etc, were not that loud, but if she says something to me he gets really grumpy, and says how inconsiderate she is for making noise when hes sleeping. I get his point, but cmon, shes just a little girl, its not like shes yelling in your ear.

 

One time, he got mad at me over something so stupid, and we were in the living room and in front of my daughter he got mad and said something and used the word " fking" then walked to my room. I gave him a slap in the wrist after that and told him to never do that again. Last week, at my moms bday party, we were all at a table, including my cousin and grandfather, and my daughter walked to us and was telling me something, then she turned to him and goofing around got very close to his face and giggled. I guess she just wanted his attention or something. I told her quickly to stop doing that because its considered rude. She said ok. But he got mad over that and in front of my relatives he said why shes all on my face thats rude! My relatives didnt understand him because they dont speak english. I was so embarassed over his reaction, but i got really mad and told him he needs to stop. Then to me this is the icing on the cake..

 

Yesterday me, my daughter, him and my mom went to the mall. He needed a pair of pants. Then we were in the men area and he snapped simply because when i asked what size of pants he is and he told me i JOKINGLY said omg really i didnt think you were that size you look smaller. ok lets hurry up and find them". Thats all i said. I didnt call him fat, nothing. He made a straight face. THREW the pants to the side and said i wont fkin be getting any pants then. JUST LIKE THAT, again in front of my girl and my mom, my mom was clueless of what he said cause she doesnt understand english very well. That was it for me. I told him i had enough, walked away and left him there. Havent talked to him yet, but im seriously pissed off. I dont wanna put up with this and i feel like im done. Then again im mad, my friend told me to calm down first then make a clear decision, what do you think?

[mhowe]

He is not worth any more of your time. You already have one child...you don't need 2.

[Natasha24]

I think you're overreacting a bit about the pants. To be fair, you were insulting to him (even though you were joking). So I'd say he is "allowed" to be a little rude in the store after that comment. I'm a super sarcastic/jokey kind of person, but (maybe it's because I'm sensitive about my weight), I never find it appropriate to joke about someone's weight.

 

It sounds like he's just not used to having kids. I'm sure you guys can come to a compromise on this. When he sleeps over, maybe you guys don't go in the bedroom until after 10am so he can sleep in. And in return, he can try to stop swearing around her. I have a young nephew and I know how hard is it to not swear infront of him. It sounds like he only swore twice, so I'd cut him a little slack.

 

As for the store though - yes, I think you're overreacting. You made a mean comment, I think he acted similarly to how a lot of people would.

[Menopaws]

I get what you mean, but i myself have NEVER snapped at him like that, especially in front of people. Its rude and disrespectful. I feel i have been more than tolerant considering this is not the first time he shows this behavior. Plus i hate drama in my life im not the type to be around ppl that are like this so its very hard for me to accept this. He told me it bothers him (his weight), but heck, i am not 100% with mine either and i would NEVER react that way towards someone. I guess everyone is different

[Man with Dog]

I get what you mean, but i myself have NEVER snapped at him like that, especially in front of people. Its rude and disrespectful. I feel i have been more than tolerant considering this is not the first time he shows this behavior. Plus i hate drama in my life im not the type to be around ppl that are like this so its very hard for me to accept this. He told me it bothers him (his weight), but heck, i am not 100% with mine either and i would NEVER react that way towards someone. I guess everyone is different

 

I'm like you, I like the drama in my life to be in books or on screen. If this is his typical behaviour, dump him.

[beingawesome]

I'm with mhowe. You need to be with an adult, especially if you're looking for a partner who is going to be a good influence in your daughter's life. You should be with someone who understands how to interact with a 9 year old child and is emotionally mature enough to curb his own emotions and tantrums in order to make a good environment for her.

[SooSad33]

He IS acting like a spoiled brat. He does NOT understand how kids act (Apparently same as he does..).

He is NOT accepting of your child and doesn't seem to want to...

Nothing really seems to be wrong with your dtr. It seems you two don't see eye to eye, so I think it is best you tell him it isn't working, he doesn't seem to want to get to know her properly or accept who she is.

 

As for thru the week visits, there isn't a need for that, I'd say. I have kids and especially if he's acting like this? Even less chance he'd be around the kids when THEY need to get up for school etc. all week and Oh darn! You're bothering him!

 

He doesn't need to be around you or her anymore. He's got those 'issues'. and NO reason for you or her to be walking on egg shells in this. This is your daughter and always will be. Neither of you need this.

She needs to be able to feel comfortable to be herself! Not to be told to stop this or don't do that- to please HIM.

 

Enough of this, I say. Think of YOU and Her.

[LC8328]

I get the anger about the pants...but I still say he has anger issues.

 

People who have anger problems *may* end up being abusive.

 

He may not be used to being around children, and that makes sense, but there is a certain amount of politeness and respect that you'd expect from people. He doesn't seem to have that.

[ParisPaulette]

The honeymoon phase has worn off and what you're seeing is a guy who just can't really deal being around with people. And who doesn't like kids at all. That's your hugest red flag right there. It's totally poison negativity to have someone like that around a child, because sooner or later he is going to come at her and start making her feel afraid just to be herself with you. Plus the things he's getting angry about don't make sense.

 

Anger that isn't rational is a red flag that someone has deeper anger issues. You need to ask if it's really worth it to you to have someone around who will make your child feel afraid at some point or worse, because the cussing in front of her and now the weird little tantrums are just the first hints of the storm to come. My suspicion is this guy has major anger issues and you're just now starting to see hints of them. And saying something to him isn't stopping him from escalating, so you need to deal with this now. And no, it's not because he's never been around kids that he acts like that. My SO hadn't had much experience with kids either and he's like a little kid himself with my boys, telling me he never felt so alive and happy as when we're all just goofing around. My SO also doesn't anger issues that can tip over into verbal and/or physical abuse either.

 

I'm sorry, I think you need to be asking yourself just how far you're willing to let someone be in your life who can potentially hurt you or your daughter in the future, because that kind of temper can flare up into physical abuse. I don't say that lightly either, I've worked in a women's shelter, so I've gotten pretty good at spotting certain red flags that might be a tip-off to someone who's abusive or at least seriously angry. Irrational anger and being irritated and angry simply over a child's laughter is a warning sign much like the dog who growls at you as you walk past them or even try to pet them. It's a warning you should heed, for your daughter's sake if not your own.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are right to let him go because he does not appear to even like your child.

 

In general, I would not advise having a bf sleep over at your home, though, if your child is there.