Journey to Spotless Mind

[Firiel]

Did something very stupid today morning. Went to a coffee shop to work. Mistakenly went to the Men's restroom. I thought the restroom looked dirtier but didn't pay much attention. But when I came out, I saw the board. I was so relieved to see no guy standing outside the door for his turn. I would have all gone tomato red. I quietly came back to my seat.

 

But gross, that restroom was so gross. Felt like taking a shower the entire day. Ewwweeee....they must be still sleepy to have missed the target...so gross....

 

Ha ha!

 

I was a janitor for a while, and I was always shocked when I cleaned the men's restrooms in the office building where I worked. They were always shockingly gross considering that they were used by adults/professionals.

[Risa]

Ha ha!

 

I was a janitor for a while, and I was always shocked when I cleaned the men's restrooms in the office building where I worked. They were always shockingly gross considering that they were used by adults/professionals.

 

And you would think that they would know better by now how to target. We are talking about years and years of practice. Pee/potty trained since 3 yrs and still not trained. Atleast 6 times a day practice and still can't shoot to the target. Huh.

[Risa]

Having a bad day. S went on a trip by himself. He cooked me a home cooked meal. Pasta, grilled chicken, garlic bread and wine. He wanted to make it special for me as I have been complaining that I never felt cherished in this relationship. He is making effort. Then why I am screwing it? I wrote him mean things on what's app.

[90_hour_sleep]

Having a bad day. S went on a trip by himself. He cooked me a home cooked meal. Pasta, grilled chicken, garlic bread and wine. He wanted to make it special for me as I have been complaining that I never felt cherished in this relationship. He is making effort. Then why I am screwing it? I wrote him mean things on what's app.

 

It's like emotional muscle memory. A few gestures don't erase the things that have already happened...nor do they translate to a new way for you to perceive him overnight.

[Risa]

It's like emotional muscle memory. A few gestures don't erase the things that have already happened...nor do they translate to a new way for you to perceive him overnight.

 

Thank you. Very well said. "Emotional muscle memory". I really like the analogy. I should not beat myself up like this. My therapist says I am too harsh on myself. I need to be gracious to myself before I can be gracious to anybody else. I need to be kind to myself before I can be kind to anyone else.

 

Memories are indeed hard to erase. I always thought, with lot of love and care I can let go of the painful past. But the pain won't go away with one or two nice gestures. It is a complete change in pattern we are talking about. That takes time. It cannot be achieved by one event. I still appreciate what he did. I hope I can also break the pattern. I am trying.

[Risa]

Thankful

I am trying

S is trying

We are trying....to leave behind the painful past.

[Risa]

More of the embarrassing moment month. Group of 10 people sitting in a meeting. I am about to present. There goes my stomach with a biig biig biig growl. Not the nice kind. Everyone stunned. I am stunned. It came from nowhere. For a moment I thought I am going to just die in there if no one started making fun of it. No one made fun of it. Why why why? Make fun of it dude. That awkward silence just made me feel more embarrassed. No one has a sense of humor anymore. My stomach gives an uncouth disgruntled crazy growl and everyone just kept silent. I would rather have funny people than polite people. Polite is embarrassing. Are there any more of these for the month? Can I hide somewhere now?

[Risa]

Thankful

Chat with my dad and his unconditional support all these years

Mom's love and sacrifices

A dysfunctional but loving family

[Risa]

Just now read one forum post about a guy feeling like "taken for granted", because his girlfriend forgot to say 'please and thank yous". I am sure there is more to it than I am reading. But I still can't stop thinking.

 

I remember when I came to this country, I found it strange that people said thank yous atleast 20 times a day. Getting off the bus - thank you, getting off a cab - thank you, someone switched on the lights of the classroom - thank you, someone gave you a tetanus shot - thank you, waiter served the food - thank you, waiter took the plates from the table - thank you, server brought the check - thank you. To me it was strange. It is still so strange.

 

Do you really mean that "thank you"? Really? In this busy world, do you even think twice after you have said "thank you"? To me it is just a polite niceties you have learnt to say. If I don't say that, does that mean I take people for granted? I never thought I ever took anyone for granted other than my mom. I just felt there was no need to say the constant "thank you" to show I appreciate you. I just do something nice for you instead of just saying "thank you". The cab driver and the bus driver just did there job.

 

The other day my friend asked me to take him to the doctor. I agreed. Even before I took him there, he thanked me. When I picked him up, he thanked me again. When I dropped him to the doctor, he thanked me again. When I picked him up again to bring him back home, he thanked me again. I dropped him home, he thanked me again. By that time I was just annoyed. Five thank you total. I actually asked him if he could stop thanking me. I just didn't SAVE HIS LIFE by giving him a mouth to mouth. I took him to the doctor for his regular pressure checkup. Yet, I feel he takes me for granted when he is not willing to take me to doctor when I need him to. And he says enough thank yous.

 

Cultural differences can be so hard to get over sometimes. I am still not used to these "thank yous ".

 

And yet, I am writing a thank you - gratitude note to myself in this journal. How Hypocrite of Me?

 

****************************************

 

I think this is just pms speaking. Aarrgghhhh. How I hate to be a woman sometimes.

[Risa]

Feel calm. S is still in his lone time vacation. We saw each other on FaceTime for a bit. I initiated the call. He is cautious about taking the initiation of contacting me, which is actually good. I don't feel pressured.

 

It feels so nice to just do my own things. I have been watching chick-flicks, cartoons, psychological thrillers and foreign movies. I never get to watch these with him. Our movie tastes are so different. I do not have enough support system of friends here to watch girly stuff. I had a friend come over for a weekend. We went to watch a kiddo movie - Divergent. We drooled over Theo James. S would have groaned if he was watching that movie with me. It is actually a torture for him and a torture for me if we go to movies like this together.

 

I think I need more friends. I do not have a good support system in this city. Colleagues cannot be friends. I don't like to mix professional and personal life. Having a contract job here makes me less motivated to go out and make new friends. I might be moving in few months. Then why spend energy on making new friends. Is it worth it? How do I then fulfill my these other needs?

[90_hour_sleep]

Sometimes I think the 'thank-you' thing is less about showing appreciation and more about showing acknowledgement (in a lot of instances, anyway). But then, I get what you're saying also. Sometimes it seems so mechanical that it makes one wonder what the point is.

[Risa]

Sometimes I think the 'thank-you' thing is less about showing appreciation and more about showing acknowledgement (in a lot of instances, anyway). But then, I get what you're saying also. Sometimes it seems so mechanical that it makes one wonder what the point is.

 

You indeed bring a good point. Acknowledgement rather than appreciation. I can actually argue both cases. Why there is a need for the constant acknowledgement? And why not? What harm does it do? It is just a 'thank-you'.

 

Thankful

ENA for providing new perspective

My therapist for providing new perspective

Warm cozy apartment - it has been super ugly weather outside...wet and cold. Yucks.

[Risa]

Nothing has disturbed me as much as the botched capital punishment in Oklahoma. I am just appalled by it. I have always been the supporter of capital punishment abolition. Doesn't matter, how many people a murderer killed or how cruel they were, capital punishment is still wrong in so many ways. We cannot take a life in the form of capital punishment to justify the murderer's crime. They did wrong. We don't need to do wrong. Justice cannot be taking a life. We don't need their blood in our hand. What is the difference between the two? Both are ending the life of a person. One justified by our legal system and the other not justified by our legal system. It is still loss of human life in both cases. Life is precious, humanity is precious. A life once gone is not going to come back. Not in the scientific sense. You cannot bring back a life that you take. Doesn't matter how that life was taken away - a gun, knife, rope or lethal injection. Doesn't matter who is taking away another persons life. It is wrong. Violence is not justified in any form. Not even with lethal injection. It is wrong.

[Risa]

S has been so positive these past few days. I have never heard him say nice things about other people. He would say always mean things about other people. He would complain about his colleagues so much. It used to bother me a lot. I had to set "time out" for his complain sessions. It used to tire me. It would sap me of all energy after listening to those non stop negative things about everyone. It's not that I don't complain. I do complain. I have my bad days. But S never says good things about anyone. I had fights with him about it. I have closed my ears sometimes to stop that non stop complains. But today he said something nice about someone for the first time.

 

He went to a religious/spiritual retreat. He is not religious. He went for health reasons. He went to this retreat to loose weight and start practicing meditation. He has been telling me about this retreat everyday. I don't see him complain. Today, he said..."people are genuinely nice here in this retreat...very warm people". I cannot tell, how happy it makes me to hear it. It is so refreshing. I have never heard him say good things about another person, never. He participates in the religious/spiritual activities even though he is not that religious. I can see the effect of this positive environment.

 

How can I make this a permanent thing? How can I surround us with positive people, so we have more positive outlook to life? I miss my church here in this city. I need to find an alternative. Soon. I need to find a way to keep this positive energy permanent. If not permanent, atleast a common thing in our life. I need to maintain this calmness in my life. This has been the most calm and positive we have been in a long long time. We need to figure out how to keep it like this most of the days if not everyday.

[Risa]

Is it all positive because we have not been meeting? Is the calmness because of that? Will it go away when we start meeting each other again on a regular basis? That's scary thought. I cannot do anymore fights. Not for a long long time.

[Risa]

There is so much pain and suffering in this world. I don't need to go far. Few ENA posts and I start feeling sad. I hope everyone feels better.

[Risa]

Pitter patter pitter patter

Where are you my sunshine

I am waiting patiently for you to show your glare

Come out soon or I am going to be crying

[Risa]

The very reason that I need therapy to move forward, wants me to end this relationship. Why am I just so screwed up? I hate him. Why did he do all these things? I loved him. I really loved him. Why? One after another. Why did I stay so long even though it was over so long back? How am I going to forgive him. How? It's not one thing that I have to forgive. It's going behind my back for arranged marriage, going behind my back for speed dating just after introducing me to his family, pressuring me to not have the child. How many things do I have to forgive? How do I forgive? I am not a ing saint. I am human. I breath. I feel. I am alive. I am not a robot. How many things do I have to forgive and forget? I am failing. I fail to be kind and gracious. I fail.

 

How dare he says I am giving him conflicting signals when the only signal he gave me was of rejection? One after another rejection. I give you no assurance. None so ever. You can leave. I give assurance to no one. I don't care if you leave.

[Risa]

"We will continue to be tested until we are no longer triggered" - Anonymous

 

Read this somewhere today. It is so easy to say, so tough to do it. How do I not respond to the triggers? It is so easy to write to someone 'forgive'. Here I am struggling to forgive. Every two steps I go forward, I take three steps behind. How do you really forgive? When do I know I have REALLY forgiven? What are the concrete steps? When will I not be tempted to blast off after a trigger? How many tests do I have to give? Can I just get over with this and move on?

 

Had a fight with S last night. Same old fight. Same old. Nothing different. We were talking about what are the triggers that make me go nuts and go back to the old stinky past. My therapist asked me to write them down. I was asking S to tell me what he thought were the triggers. Surprisingly he has no clue what the triggers are. According to him I am an unreasonable person and don't need a particular reason to go into my angry outbursts. I am not an unreasonable person. There is always a reason. I am not insane. He told me I need professional help. "I AM GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP. HE IS THE REASON I AM WHERE I AM". I didn't cheat behind. I was loyal. I was not the non committed one. He was. I didn't reject him. He did. Why all of a sudden he wants us to be together? He rejected me every possible way he could. Then why I am the crazy one? Why he is not getting help? Why I have to spend all these money to get help while he gets to tell me 'You need help'? If so, why should I be with him? The minute I am away from him, I know, I will finally be able to move on. Then why I am even trying to fix this relationship? Or am I?

[Risa]

Woke up really early. Didn't get much sleep last night. Went to work at 7am. Worked till 7pm. It was a very productive day. Ate like a hog after coming home. It's not going to do any good to my target weight loss program. But did good to my mood. I ate so much, I can hardly move now. Time for some chocolate chip cookies.

[Risa]

Going to give a cooking lesson to 6 colleagues today. I am nervous and excited. I don't know how it will go. I am not a food network host. I just cook for myself. My dad loves my food, but then he is my dad and he likes everything I do. I cook for S but he is a salad eating cow and cannot appreciate my food. I cooked for my friends, but then they are friends and I don't care if the food doesn't come out well. They ate everything anyways. Colleagues are different. I hope everything goes well today.

[Risa]

It was a good cookout. They came around 10.30am and stayed till 4.30pm. Was so much fun.

 

S comes back today. How do I feel about it? I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know how I feel. I just want to be calm the way I was for couple of days.

[Risa]

I can read few forum posts and can see how people jump to conclusions. People judge other people so easily from reading few lines, which is trying to capture maybe 6months, 2yrs, 10yrs and 20yrs. Not to forget that these posts are one sided story. There is ALWAYS the OTHER SIDE. Why are we so loose with our 'passing judgements' on others? There is no way we can provide both sides. We cannot give both sides because we are not the OTHER PERSON.

 

What is the side of S? He must have his side of the story. I am very curious to hear his side of the story. I actually don't know his side of the story. It is so sad that after 3 years I still don't know his side of the story. My own suffering was so much that I didn't acknowledge his reasonings. My reasonings made sense to me. Any other reasoning I was ready to not even acknowledge. Not necessarily I will be ok with his reasoning. But I don't know what his reasons for doing what he did.

 

Did I in anyway give him those reasons? If I did, then am I ready to hear those criticisms? I am ready to hear his side of the story. I am not yet ready for taking any criticisms of my own actions that could have instigated his actions.

 

Feel like crying now. Don't know why.

[Risa]

S is back from his retreat. We had a quiet evening together yesterday. He sounds so positive. This retreat has made a positive impact on him. The only question is - for how long?

 

We saw a chubby teenage girl yesterday in one of our favorite restaurant. When I say chubby, she is probably on the obese side. The teenage girl was sitting in a way that her jeans was pulled down to a point that it didn't look nice in the back. In older days, S would comment something nasty. Instead he said, 'I feel bad for the kid and I hope she is a happy kid'. What is going on? S was not nasty. He said something more that I cannot remember. But it was a very positive remark. I do hope this stays like this, even though I know change doesn't come in one weeks time. It is a life long practice. I am myself trying to bring a positive non judgmental approach towards life and I can certainly do with him being positive.

 

How do I sustain this? Church. Volunteer work. Yoga & Meditation groups. I need it. We both need it. The negative spiral has to go. We are both done with it.

[Risa]

Today at work one of my colleague was upset that their floor decided not to convert every restroom as unisex. The women in their floor disagreed and he was upset about it. The floor above and below have agreed to convert the restrooms as unisex. My colleague is gay. He is also a good friend of mine. His argument, "transgender colleagues have tough time deciding which restroom to use". I work at a very liberal work environment and I am glad about it. I am the first person to support LGBT. Today however I had to disagree with him.

 

I am a woman and I don't feel comfortable using the same restroom as men. First of all, men are dirty when it comes to personal hygiene. Secondly, I am not comfortable taking tampons/other personal hygiene stuff with me to a restroom where I might meet men. Third, I don't feel comfortable reapplying makeup and comb my hair and fix my outfit in front of my male colleagues. Fourth, if comfort of a transgender person should matter, then my comfort as a woman should matter as well. If there are more women than transgender colleagues, the women's comfort should count too. If two floors have decided to make their restrooms unisex, then it shouldn't matter that one floor decided to keep theirs separate. I understand the need to be fair to every individual. But then sometimes I feel we try to overcompensate for unfair treatments of LGBT. We cannot ignore the comfort of 50 women against 2 transgender colleagues, given there are unisex restrooms easily accessible in other floors. We are a gender too.

 

Am I wrong in my thinking? Sorry to say. I already have hard time peeing and covering up the noise while there are other women around in the restroom. If I have to do that with men around, I might as well not pee the entire day and get some kidney stones. Will that be fair to me? Will my voice be heard?