Journey to Spotless Mind

[Risa]

Illusion broken. People don't change just by one weeks of retreat. Even though I knew it, I somehow was in denial. S started two conversation about - "I met good for nothing people today. All stuck up horrible people". Ahh! Welcome back to same old stories. No one is good as per S. Everyone is bad. I stopped him before he could finish his stories. I am sorry, I cannot hear those negative things. It bothers me too much.

[Risa]

S and I have mutually agreed to work on two things together. He will work on his negative banter that he does all the time. I will work on my anger management. Baby steps. We need baby steps to learn to communicate and move towards a positive life.

[Firiel]

If you don't mind my asking a blunt question (hope it doesn't come off as rude!)... why are you with S?

 

What tangible aspects of this relationship are worth saving?

[Risa]

That is one scary question you asked me that I have been avoiding to answer myself for a while. Let me get my thoughts together and answer that. I need to be fair to S and myself. I need to be brutally honest. That requires strength and courage.

[Firiel]

Fair enough. Take your time-- I asked because it seemed like something that would be beneficial for you to think about. I know it can be a scary question!

[Risa]

Can I be just over with drama and have a normal life. I had a very dysfunctional family. My dad is a great dad but he is a lousy husband. My mother had some issues as well. When I say some, I am trying to be generous to her. I love them both dearly, yet they made mistakes that I am paying for. It was a very dysfunctional family. I only remember fights in that household. When I was a kid I wanted to run away. The only thing that kept me in that house was my practicality. Yes. I was very practical at a very young age. I knew I needed a vocation. I studied hard. I left for college. I was so happy to be away from my parents. But I missed them too. My dad is a great dad. He is my motivation. Yet, he was such a jerk to my mom. I wish he was nicer to her. I wish she was nicer to him. I have been away from home since I ceased to be a teenager. I am glad I was. I love them so much. Yet I wish they were a normal couple. They were not. They are not.

 

I always looked for that normality. The perceived normality that I saw in other families. I wanted that. From very early age, I wanted a stable family. A family which was not dysfunctional. Yet, I am unable to find that stability. That stability I have yearned for so deeply. So deeply. Today I feel so at loss. I feel completely lost. I only wanted a little stability. I have failed to find that. Four long term relationships may not sound a lot to this American culture. But it is plenty for me. I have failed to find that stability in four long term relationship. Is it that hard to get? Is it that hard for someone to just love me for who I am? Is it so hard to get the stability I have always looked for? What does it take? Am I not a loving woman? Am I not something that atleast one person in this entire world would want to be with? Am I so bad?

 

I have so much to give.

 

Firiel, I have no answer to that question of yours. I thought I loved him. Maybe that was worth saving. The hope of finding stability was worth saving. Maybe not. I don't know. I don't know what is worth saving anymore. I lost it all maybe. I am just too emotional right now.

 

You all parents, be nice to each other. Stop fighting. You don't know how you are messing up your kids head if you are fighting. I beg you all, be nice to each other. Or do not become parents. You do not deserve to be parents if you cannot give a stable upbringing to your kids. You are ruining your own life. Most importantly you are ruining the life of your child - who had no say in his/her upbringing. It's a big responsibility. Do not make your child suffer because of your mistakes. Do not make your kids suffer because of your own selfish needs. Be generous. A child is helpless. The child is completely dependent on you - for everything. Physical growth, emotional growth, mental growth. Do not mess up. Or your child will pay for your mistakes. Stop being selfish.

[Risa]

Occupational hazard. Got mild form of carpal tunnel syndrome. How I dislike not able to use my right hand. I hope it gets better soon. I miss typing. Have my hand in braces. Hopefully I won't need surgery.

 

S and I have been trying to communicate better. He says it is important to say ...it's ok...once in a while. provides reassurance.

[Risa]

Everytime before therapy I feel like I am doing good and I won't need anymore therapy. Then we start talking and I realize so many worms are still there in my head that needs to be taken care of. I can see how in future I am going to be financially drained. For better hopefully.

 

Anger is a secondary emotion. All this time I have been grieving.

[Risa]

I miss having a structure in my life. I haven't worked for past 2 months now. Work pushes me into a schedule. How much I crib about it, I loved my work schedule. I like schedule. I like getting up in the morning same time everyday. I like getting dressed to go out for work same time everyday. I like to sit in my office chair same time everyday. I like to eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner at same time everyday. I like to go to bed same time every night. I am a person of schedule. I am a person who likes structure. This is the only way I keep the sanity in my life. My mind is so chaotic most of the days, having a structure in other parts of life becomes a necessity. Thats the only way I can function. Having a chaotic mind and a chaotic schedule with no structure is insanity for me. Right now I am living this insanity. I get up whenever. I eat whenever. I go to bed whenever. I don't go to work. Haven't read a book in months. Have no interest in hobbies right now. This is making me go insane.

 

I have been watching Orange is the New Black recently. Watching these institutionalized women in prison in a make believe/true life sitcom of netflix. Remembered one episode where Taystee is unable to cope up being free. She commits another crime to come back to prison. Although I do not want to be in prison, I can understand why she would want to be back in prison rather than being free in the outside world. I know all these doesn't make sense. But I would rather have a schedule and structure than the free life I am living now. I have the freedom to do whatever I want right now. Yet, I am not enjoying this freedom. For me this freedom is same as a prison sentence. I want to go back to my structure.

 

This is a first world problem. I am suffering from the first world problem of 'boredom'. I am sure in third world countries 'boredom' does occur. But most of the time people are struggling to survive. They have no moment to be bored. This is certainly my own opinion. Not sure how much it is true. Even though I know I am bored, I have no motivation right now to go out and do the things I always wanted to do. My motivation comes from work. Not working has made my life chaotic. Its a chaos in mind and body. I know, I can never be a housewife/homemaker. I am not meant for that. Its too tough for me. I need more mental work than just fold clothes, feed babies and take care of home. I salute people who can do that. I salute my mom for doing that. However, I cannot do that. I have the highest regards for homemakers. They are instrumental in running a 'home' smooth. Yet, I do not see myself in that role. I need mental work where my mind is occupied. That helps to reduce the chaos of my mind.

 

Right now, my mind is all over. Can't even write things that makes sense. I am just rambling right now.

[Risa]

What kind of a living it is when you live in fear? The fear of rejection is something that has haunted me over and over again. Yet, I let it control me and my actions. Its a constant struggle to get past that fear. I don't know how I will get past this.

 

I am moving to a new city with a new job. I am finally glad that I will be back in a schedule but I fear this distance will kill another of my relationship. Its not even a relationship based on a strong foundation.

 

What if it breaks down?

 

I still will live. I will be alone once again. What if I am alone? Will that be so bad? If I am alone, I will never try again. I have spent years in men. Wasted years in moping over. Its time that I come out of this fear of loneliness and invest my time in something that is more productive. I pour so much of my energy in creating a fulfilling relationship, if I spend even a tenth of it in something else, I will be a successful woman.

 

If I am alone, if this relationship doesn't survive distance, I will

 

a) Never invest so much on men again.

b) Invest more on my work.

c) See new places and people. I am behind in terms of traveling. So much to see.

d) Invest my time on volunteer work.

 

I am not going to live in fear. From today, I will not live in fear. I need to remind myself again and again this. Never live in fear. Its one life. I have spent more than 10 years in fear of rejection and loosing. It didn't work out. Its time for a different approach.

[Risa]

Cannot sleep. Moving is so stressful. This one is more stressful. Last move I was single. This move I am in a complicated relationship with a shaky foundation. I have two failed long distance relationship. Both were stronger than this one. I am already preparing myself for its demise. Will it be relief? Or will it be painful? Time will tell. Right now I cannot sleep stressing about the move. Next time I will get rid of everything so I am not so stressed with moving. Minimalism sounds like a peaceful state of mind.