Journey to Spotless Mind

[Risa]

I have been with S for past 3 years. It has been one of the most unhealthy relationships I have ever been in. I am on the verge of breaking up with S. I am not sure if I want to save this relationship. I don't have the courage to break up. I don't have the energy to work on this. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be hurt. I feel stuck. I feel sick, mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel sad. I have been sad for a long time now. I have forgotten how to enjoy life. I have forgotten how to be happy. I have forgotten how to live life. There is a fight every 2 weeks. Big fights for petty matters. That has been the pattern for past one year now. I am exhausted. I am spent. I have no energy anymore to even have one more fight. One more fight and I will just collapse.

 

The option of 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind' seems like a better option. Only if that option was real. I would take that option. I would erase memories. I would erase hurtful memories of this relationship and any other relationship I have been in. I would erase everything. I would start with a spotless mind. The 'Spotless Mind' seems so attractive. If again, I am given two choices - a) to fill the spotless mind b) to keep it spotless, I prefer to keep it spotless. How peaceful that would be? How calm that would be? I need calm. I need calm and peace.

 

This is my path to 'spotless mind'.

[Risa]

Why do I fight with him?

 

I have told him, I need space. He has been fine with it. Except he called today. I didn't pick his phone. I am not ready to talk to him. But I texted back. We texted for few minutes and it turned out into a fight. I stopped texting telling him - we only fight. He says I always run from a fight so there is really no real fight. Is he in denial? We always fight. It has been never ending fights. Every two weeks, there is a fight. I start the fight. I start it. Why? Because I am still angry. I am angry at him. I am angry at myself. I can't change past. I wish I could. I wish I hadn't listened to him. I wish I had the courage to become a single mother.

 

But who is getting affected by this anger. Both of us. If I know this, then why I am so self destructive. Why I am destroying this relationship? Do I care? If I don't care, then why did I stay in this relationship for another year and a half? Why? Why I am torturing him and why I am torturing myself? What kind of a sick game is this? I need to stop this. Either I need to move on alone or I need to move on with him - without the past.

[Risa]

Best $220 I spent in past few years. I paid to get listened. An objective listener - a therapist. Had my first therapy session today. I think i like her so far. It was nice to tell someone human for the first time. S is the only other one. Talking to him about it never ends well. It usually ends in really bad fight.

 

Haven't met him in past 5 days now. But texted and chatted with him. That also didn't go well. It was actually really bad. But now I feel calm. I have lot to work on. Lot to work on myself. Cannot think about relationship now. Need to focus on getting myself healthy again. Don't know if he will be still around. Cannot think about it, it's only ME right now.

 

First thing to do. Find concrete ways to let go of anger & grief. Goal is peace of mind. What are the concrete steps?

 

Almost feel like googling anger management steps. But then that is cheating. I think I need to figure out how I am going to let go of anger? It's personalized concrete steps.

[NorthDallas40]

From what you've said so far, it sounds like the relationship has run its course and has long since passed the point of being unhealthy for both of you.

 

In your shoes I'd break up with him, calmly & non-judgmentally tell him why, listen to his concerns without arguing about them, stay firm and accept no attempts to "try one more time," and go strict No Contact.

 

Maybe revisit things in a year. But not until then.

[Risa]

Yes. You are right. This relationship indeed has run it's course. It is in it's worst possible place. It has become so unhealthy, it affects my mental, emotional and physical health. However, I am myself not ready to let go. Not yet. The problem is telling myself firmly, "this relationship has run it's course" and I need to move on. He told me yesterday, "do what is best for yourself". He knows I am at the edge right now. I don't want to make an emotional decision. My emotions are all screwed up right now. I want to be calm first before I take any decisions. Not in this mindset. Not yet.

[Risa]

Letting go of anger concrete steps.

 

Immediate goal - manage anger on a day to day basis. Manage anger towards myself and S.

End goal - peaceful mind

 

Steps

 

1) Stop blaming myself and him. How do I stop myself from blaming him? He pressurized me. How do I stop blaming myself. I was a participant. I didn't stop it. I am already stuck.

 

2) Accept that I can't change the past. Going back and reliving it has not helped me or him. If that has not worked to make me feel better, I need to stop it.

 

3) Be kind to myself. Be kind to him. It happened. I can't change the past. I have punished him and myself for a year and a half. What about being kind now?

 

4) forgive him and myself. There is no way to move on unless I am the bigger person. I have to be gracious to him and myself and forgive. We are human beings. We make mistakes. Latching on to the mistake is not going to work. Be gracious to him and yourself. Forgive.

 

Four steps are enough to start with. All are easy to say. How do you do it? These are all philosophical things to do. This is mental gym work. But it's not five days a week work. It is 7 days a week mental gym work.

[Risa]

Yesterday night while I was trying to figure out how to start this mental gym, I came up with a great idea. No new innovations. No new discoveries. Just a different perspective.

 

Why do we pay so much attention to our physical health and ignore our mental health? We run, jog, weight train, walk, play sports, do yoga and what not. What about mind work out? Don't we need same workout for our mind that we do for our body? Mind and body goes together. Does working in your computer 5 days a week count as mental workout. To me, it seems not enough. Working a full time job can add stress, anxiety, frustration, and what not. Your personal life can add the negative thoughts in your mind as well. Aren't these the 'Fat' accumulation in our Brain? Its like eating junk food and storing 'Fat' in your belly or butt or other parts of your body. We work out to reduce that belly fat. What about the brain fat? (hmmm. Brain fat reminded me of brain fa*t) What about mental work out to reduce the brain fat?

 

Can 'Meditation' equal as 'Weight/Strength Training for Mind'? I bet. Then what would be the 'Cardio' of our brain? Relaxation techniques? Breathing exercises? Sending positive thoughts to your mind everyday for 30 minutes - spread it out over a day? Thats what I have to do to get mentally healthy. I will start with mental cardio first. I will start my mental strength/weight training later. Or should it go hand in hand like the physical exercise? I have to stop this negative melodrama in my head. Melodrama it is. You fatty melodrama - goodbye.

[Risa]

I was reading the news few minutes back. I am saddened by the South Korean Ship that sank. Captain is charged. Not surprised. If he would have stayed in the ship till every single person evacuated from the ship, he would have perished. We would have called him a hero. We would have glorified his heroism. But then, he didn't. He left the ship. He was not the last one to leave as per the maritime rules. He was saved. Or was he? He will be prosecuted now for abandoning his ship, negligence and murder of the people who perished.

 

Aren't we human beings? Aren't we just another species of animal with more developed brain cells? Won't his own, very own basic animal survival instinct kick in? Will the intelligent brain cells work when the ship is in that kind of distress, to make any rational judgement? Some people would argue - he chose his profession. He signed the contract to abide by the maritime rules. Does rules work in practicality when a ship is sinking? Can we try to be in his shoes? When I try to be in the captains shoes, I find myself not brave in our traditional definition of 'brave'. I don't want to be judged by anyone because I am not brave. That doesn't mean I have to be tagged as a coward. I am just human, trying to survive like everyone else.

 

I am saddened by this. My heart goes to all the family members who are still waiting to hear about their loved ones. My prayer goes to those who still might be there somewhere in an air pocket. I hope they can save few more lives. I hope there is still hope for those who are still holding on to the last bit of hope to be rescued. I pray for those who already left this world.

 

However, I do not think it is right to punish the captain for being human. I don't know all that happened. My source of information is news. It seems like a bad accident. No normal human being in sane mind would want to endanger other peoples lives. We cannot put all the blame to the captain. It is wrong. As a human being he doesn't have to be brave. If he is not brave, it doesn't mean he is a coward. Even if he is, we cannot punish him for his cowardice. To me, surviving life itself is brave.

 

Our moral expectations from other people are sometimes too high. Surprisingly we don't know ourselves what we would have done if we were in the captains position. It is a good day dream to think you will save 100s of lives when you are in that situation. But then, it is a day dream only and not reality. You don't know what you would do if you were sinking in a ship.

 

Was my moral expectations from S, how he should have acted, too high? Is my moral expectations from captain not so high because my loved one is not in that ship? Is my moral expectations from S so high because S affects me personally and the captain doesn't? Or is it just easy to blame other human beings to ease our own pain?

[Risa]

Complaint

I dislike doing laundry. Arrrggghhh. What a pain. Finished one load. Two more remaining. Pileup from past few weeks of dysfunctional life.

 

Thankful

I had the laundry detergent which I thought I ran out of.

Warm vegetable lentil soup getting heated in my stove - perfect for this gloomy cloudy day

Birds are back. Green grass is back.

[Risa]

Purged some clothes out from the closet which I haven't worn in past one year. I started decluttering few months back. This is one of the other ways I wanted to bring calmness in my life. Home needs to be spotless as well. I am not a messy person. But I have been so dysfunctional past few months, I let myself become very messy. Messy life and a messy house. Both needs a spring cleanup. The closet looks less cluttered after every weeks reappraisal. Goal is to bring it down to basic minimal. Goal is to have clothes that I absolutely absolutely love. Rest has to go.

 

The toughest thing to get rid of are the clothes/accessories that has sentiments attached. Last week I got rid of a handbag. A very dear friend gifted it to me two years back. It's in her favorite color. It's a color that I absolutely don't like. I knew I would not be using it. I tried to use it. I just couldn't bring myself to use it. I tried to donate it. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally last week I convinced myself. I put it in my donation box and hid it under other clothes so I don't see it when I give it away. It's gone now.

 

Clean and clutter free home makes me calm. I feel better already.

 

It's been 8 days since I met S. We have texted and talked, but minimally. I feel calmer than before. I miss him sometimes. However, I am not ready to meet him. Not yet. He has given me the space. I appreciate it. Lot to work on still. Lot to figure out. This is my survival mode where the basic animal instinct of protecting myself has kicked in. I have no time to think about others. Not now. I need calm. I need peace.

[Risa]

Thankful

Super nice phone conversation with my mom & dad

Clean house - that's my Saturday workout

Lovely sunshine - going to bathe in it now

[Risa]

Exhausted. Physically and mentally. The good kind though. The kind that gives you very good sleep. Went to work at 6.30am. Got lot done. Then met a colleague in the evening for coffee. He is kind of a colleague cum friend. He complains a lot. But when he is not complaining, he can be really fun to hang around with. I asked him once why he complains so much. He says it's cultural. People don't say a lot of good things about their day or personal/professional achievements as they think it will get jinxed. Interesting.

 

Back home and ready to crash in bed.

 

Saw S in FaceTime yesterday. Was pleasant to see him. He says it has been really tough for him to give me this space. He struggles to not text or call. I appreciate it. I do. Past one week I have calmed down a lot. I just need to figure out how to keep this calmness.

[Risa]

Thankful

A good evening conversation with my colleague/friend

S is giving me the space I need

Humorous colleagues at my work.

[Risa]

S and I fought again last night. I was back to square one again. I created this calm and in minutes it was gone. I was agitated again. I said mean things to him. Really mean things. He wanted assurance. What assurance? He never gave me assurance in past three years. All of a sudden he needs assurance? Because I have stopped meeting him? How do I give him assurance for something I don't know myself it is going to work out. I asked for space. If this is going to be the space, I will run away. No texts and phone calls as well. That's the end result. I told him after the therapy I don't know if I will stay. I really don't know the answer. How can I answer him? He asked me if I am wasting his time? How dare he asks that when he kept himself in online dating for one whole year after we started dating? How dare he asked me this when he went for a speed dating last year when I went to stay with my patents for few months? How dare he asked me that?

 

Am I punishing him? I might as well. I told him to leave me alone. I told him he can leave as I give no assurance. His choice if he hangs around and I still don't go back to him. His choice. I am going to therapy - just for myself. I am selfish right now. I need to save my sanity. I need to save myself.

[Risa]

Thankful

Having HSA that would pay for therapy

Good mentors at my work place

Chat with my friend

[Risa]

Therapist was running late. She was not prepared for me. The result, it was not a great therapy session. She gave me certain task the other day and forgot to talk about it. She didn't read my intake forms well and randomly asked random questions, which to me were not going in any direction. A therapy session without a direction is not something I like. She talks and justifies herself too much. At one point I felt as if I was the therapist for her problems. I know more about her problems and personal health issues than she knows about me.

 

This is not going to work. Not for $170 for 50minutes. I will try one more session and then decide whether I need to look for a new therapist. Very unprofessional. I am ready to overlook one day of unpreparedness.

 

Met S yesterday. A very impulsive decision. From work, I just kept driving towards his home. We talked about my therapy sessions mostly. Don't know if it felt good or not. It was just an hour of chatting about my therapy session.

[Risa]

Thankful

A dry, warm, cozy house - it's raining outside

My change in attitude - towards a minimalist living

Wonderful discussion at work

[Risa]

Is breaking up the easier path? I know for sure making a relationship work takes a lot of work. Love is the easiest of them to come in a relationship. Building trust and respect is the hardest, more so if you have previous baggage. But building trust and respect is a MUST to build the long lasting love. Not the cushy-gooey love you get into in 3-4 months. It takes a lot of work, given both of you are ready to work on it.

 

I have little trust and respect for S. There is a lot of back story why I completely lost trust and respect for him. But I delved too much on his negatives than his positives. I know, I have a lot to get over before I can trust him or respect him. However, I do want to try it. Why am I not convinced what I am writing now? Need more space to work on myself? I have enjoyed my time off. It has been really calming. It's less work when he is around. I come home after work and do whatever I want. It has been so nice to be alone for a while.

[Risa]

I am tired of complaining. I have complained too much these past few weeks. I need some positive people around me.

 

Boiled eggs and potatoes with lemon juice, pepper and salt for dinner.

[zyketti]

Hi Risa,

 

A lot of things that you talk about in this journal kind of hit me. Me and my ex were in similar situations. In fact, when my ex broke up with me, she said, "We could get back together now, and we would be the happiest couple for 2-3 weeks, then we would have a big fight again." She couldn't do that anymore, because our fights were getting massive. She knew just how to poke my inner self and I couldn't control it. Neither of us would back down, we would keep feeding the fire until it exploded. Then it was usually me that would come crawling and say I am sorry.

 

Anyways, I hate giving up, and I hate giving up on things that I am passionate about (ex. my career, and love). I knew this was a problem, but I couldn't give it up because I loved this girl too much to let her go. But my ex was the stronger person in the relationship and finally let us both go. This allowed me to really take a step back and think about what I needed to do, and that was pretty basic things: discipline, self-control, and get out of this depression. Three things really ruined our relationship, because our relationship was once amazing. Fixing these three things is gonna take me some time to improve on. I dealt with same problems beforehand with my previous relationship. I didn't heal properly and the baggage exploded a year into the relationship.

 

Perhaps that's what you guys need to do. Communicate with him, and tell him that you guys both need time to figure out why your heads clash all the time. That you are very sick and tired of fighting all the time. You don't have the energy to continue the relationship at the moment. Someone in the relationship needs to be strong and just let it go. That's what I feel anyways.

 

Check out my journal as well, if you have the time

[Risa]

Hi zyketti,

 

Thanks for reading my journal. I read your journal. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Break up is never easy. I have told my ex the exact words your ex told you about the 2-3 week pattern. It is indeed exhausting. It saps you of all energy.

 

You know, both of us know why we fight. We know the root of our fights. Most of the times he is just a silent spectator. He lets me yell/scream at him. Very occasionally does he looses his calm. Maybe out of guilt he keeps his calm. He is usually the one who makes peace. I feel very horrible after every fight.

 

I can let go. I can break up. But breaking up is indeed easier than trying to make things workout. We have kept distance. Very limited contact. I want to wait till I feel saner. That is important before I can take any decision. I still don't feel completely sane. I am not stringing him along. I have given him no false hope. If he is not willing to wait and see, he has the option to let go. I would be sad if he takes the option. But I won't stop him.

 

I don't know who is the stronger between two of us. We both know we have issues that needs to be taken care of.

 

I hope you are doing better everyday.

[Risa]

Did something very stupid today morning. Went to a coffee shop to work. Mistakenly went to the Men's restroom. I thought the restroom looked dirtier but didn't pay much attention. But when I came out, I saw the board. I was so relieved to see no guy standing outside the door for his turn. I would have all gone tomato red. I quietly came back to my seat.

 

But gross, that restroom was so gross. Felt like taking a shower the entire day. Ewwweeee....they must be still sleepy to have missed the target...so gross....

[Risa]

Thankful

I am physically healthy for most part - got physical done few days back

I have a decent job and health benefits - some of my grad school friends are still struggling

My phone broke. Ahhhh. Less connected for few days. Sometimes I feel too connected.

[zyketti]

Thankful

I am physically healthy for most part - got physical done few days back

I have a decent job and health benefits - some of my grad school friends are still struggling

My phone broke. Ahhhh. Less connected for few days. Sometimes I feel too connected.

 

Nice! I graduated from grad school few months ago - struggling to find a job. I've been on a job hunt hiatus ever since we broke up though. I need to collect my self first before getting out there again..

 

It is very draining. I can understand that. I tried to keep our breakup as respectable as I possibly could, and I've been very proud of myself for it. It's good that you guys are taking the time apart, and really reflect on the issue. It seems like you don't want to lose this guy, but also just very tired to continue.. Space and time will give you both clarity I suppose.

 

Things are getting better, I've unblocked my ex on fb just so I can just face the pain when she puts up new photos, instead of trying to erase her out of my life. She did post a new profile photo, which came up on my feed cuz well… it has like 50 likes on the darn thing (95% girls though, thank God). Now I'm just rambling!

 

I would even suggest a vacation to get your mind off things! I'm trying to find a friend to go with me haha.

[Risa]

Personally, I cannot move on if I am on facebook and I keep looking at my ex's photos. I always had to completely cut off from the person to get over. I always knew when things were getting better for me. No nightmares. Days when the first and the last thing in my mind was not my ex. I was having new crushes and I was not comparing.

 

If I have to break up with this guy, I would have to stop going to facebook. I have his entire family in my facebook. I really like his father. His father is a very likeable person. I won't be able to delete him out of respect. I would prefer to not go to facebook till I know I am over him. However, I am not going to say I never did all those cyber snooping on ex for few months after breakup. I wanted to know what they are upto. It made it worse for me. Later I realized, not knowing is the biggest gift I could have given myself. Even now, I would rather 'not know' certain things. Information is not ALWAYS useful. Some information better be hidden.

 

You have my best wishes for job hunt. Economy is picking up most places (Japan...might take a while). Can you may be get a part time job in some not so great place and use rest of the day looking for the ideal job?

 

I wish I could take a vacation right now. My mind works differently. If I am super busy, I get a break from relationship crap. I will take a vacation once I get a little more therapy done. Not with a stranger, but with my family. I hope you find a friend to go for a vacation.

 

Yes, I do still care for him.