bad breakup & consequences

[attart]

Hello,

 

This might be a little long, but I would like to hear people's opinions (please no judgment, we've all been through rough relationships

 

I started seeing this guy 8 months ago, he pursued me really actively and he played it really well at the beginning. During our first date things got steamy but I stopped it, then the next day, I freaked out because of what happened, we had a misunderstanding and broke it off. A few days later we started talking again and I told him that I"m not the kind of woman to have only casual relationships or go sexual right from the beginning and he has to be clear what he wants and what's going on, i don't want to play games (after three months of active flirting). he said we can start over again, he said that he got scared and that he didn't want a relationship. I knew from our chats that he had bad breakups with his exes (he was cheated on by two different women). So we started seeing each other but he was coming close and pulling away a lot, until one day that we had a date at my house and he didn't come or didn't text. I naturally got really upset and told him that and he came up with an excuse which was valid but it didn't justify not sending a message to say he wasn't coming. anyway, we kind of stopped there, and then we started seeing each other occasionally after a month or so. He was still going with the "i don't want a relationship" etc., and this lasted for eight months. He wanted to be a single guy fool around etc. So when we finally broke it off, I became really upset and acted crazy, with texting, discussing it with him, etc. to the point that it caused some serious trouble, he blocked me off facebook, changed his number and would yell at me every time we would run each other. He said that he hates me, and called me many other names, when I was trying to tell him that he needs to tell me the truth, why would he lie all these months. Note: He moved in with someone within a month of breaking it off with me (we live really close) and i did run into them together, so when I told him that he could have just said that he is seeing someone and he wants to try it with her instead of lying and going with the "I don't want a relationship, I'm telling these other women lies to make them happy but I don't want a relationship".

 

At this point, he said he will stop protecting whatever happened between us and he will tell everyone (including his boss who I know personally, which he did) what has happened.

 

This is the story in a nutshell, a lot of things happened, a lot of messages, swearing, hating, etc. I am having trouble letting go because he was part of me for a long time, and also I see him quite often and I don't like this hatred, I would have preferred a civilized breaking instead of hating each other. We both made many mistakes, but he only blames me for everything, he thinks that I am responsible that things didn't work out.

 

A bit about me: I was very burned out when I met him, working full time and going to school full time, and I poured all my insecurities on him, for various things. his pulling away and coming back didn't help, but I didn't have the strength back then to steer clear. A bit about him: He has had three kids with different women and only wants to "have fun" without any emotions or feelings. Bad match from the start, I know, but in the end, I would like to be able to make amends and be civil towards each other.

 

Has anyone ever been able to reconcile (friendly) after a really bad situation? Any advice on letting go and stop caring about someone who mistreated me from the beginning?

 

Thank you.

[mhowe]

The man is a red flag distribution center.

*trying to get physical quickly

*3 baby mommas

*totally inconsistent

 

He was telling you by action and history that he doesn't do committed relationships but you ignored the signs and went crazy on him.

 

There is nothing to be done to erase your reactions but to learn from them.

There isn't any civility left in your connection.

 

You need to stop trying to confront him if you see him.

[ParisPaulette]

What mhowe said. And trying to get a compulsive liar and cheater to tell you the truth is like waiting to be able to fly--you are going to wait forever and it is never going to happen, because "hello" he's a compulsive liar and cheat.

 

Go NC, block and delete him from your life and move on. There's too much to make this civil and in his mind and you chasing after him insisting it all be civil is just adding fuel to the flames. Back off and ignore him and keep ignoring him. Act bored, bored, bored if anyone ever mentions it again. From all you say about him everyone else except perhaps you can see this guy or will see this guy for what he is a mile off. Let him shoot himself in the foot with more and more women added to the pile while you move on with your life and learn not to get sucked in by the bad ones.

 

He is already occupying way to much head space for this to ever be healthy and civil anything. Let him and it go.

[Lorem Ipsum]

he said that he got scared and that he didn't want a relationship.

And going ahead in the future, the correct response when you hear something like this is: "Oh, well, I want a relationship, so have a nice life!" and then you walk away. Not because it's a game that will hook them, but because it's the truth. If a man tells you something like that, believe him. Otherwise, you're just in for a lot of pain, as you've found out.

 

I'm sorry he's such a jerk. The only thing you can do going forward is not sink down to his level. Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane, block him everywhere online and if you see them out on the street, don't react, just walk away.

[attart]

Thank you all for your replies, and for not judging

You are all right. I went into this with an open heart thinking that there is more to this person, while there wasn't. I had never met anyone like that before, all my ex boyfriends were all really good guys and we never had issues like this before, even with ones that were just summer flings. Noone has ever driven me so crazy and I've never had a bad break up with anyone. And you're right, he will never accept responsibility, he will always think he was right and said he told me everything from the beginning. He even said that I'm topping the list with his crazy exes and that this is not the first time this has happened to him..Lol, for a "smart" girl, I didn't see ANY of the red flags!!!

I know he is sleeping around, with friends or no friends, that's just the kind of guy he is, no values or morale when it comes to women. And although I understand why he is like this, I really need to stay away. Oy! First time for everything I suppose. I just have to realize consciously that this is how it will always be with him and there's no fixing, going back, civilized or anything. Takes two to tango.

 

thank you