Driving myself crazy feeling very lost :(

[RCH1012]

Hi, i am new to this. Needing advice.

Here's my back story

 

I am a 26 year old mum to a beautiful 3 year old girl.

Her father left us when she was 6 days old. He was cheating on me with his workmate. Our daughter was planned.

 

After a few dating fails 18 months ago i began dating a friend of mine. Every aspect of our relationship was perfect. 9 months into it he went overseas for work (he is an engineer) when he returned he had changed. We had planned to start a family this year and he told me he actually doesn't ever want children.....

After weeks of fighting and him partying with his friends instead of discussing our problems we split up in December after just over a year together. 2 weeks later we decided to get back together and everything was going well.

A month ago i found out that during our break up he had slept with a friend of his and then continued seeing her after we got back together. She contacted me to tell me after finding out we were back on. She had no idea.

We tried to make it work but a few days ago we realised it just won't.

 

I just don't know how to deal with all these feelings. I feel like im not good enough. 2 serious relationships and both cheated on me then they left me i was willing to work on it they refused.

 

I feel so low. I can't eat can't sleep.

I miss him but i know he's no good for me.

I feel so lonely and upset. My family disliked him so offer no support. My friends all have their own problems.

I texted him today with no reply.

I even slept with a guy i know last night to try forget even just for a while to remember im still attractive (which i actually am) and to feel wanted. I haven't heard a word from that guy since he left my place this morning.

 

Please help me i am going insane.

I need to be happy for my girl but every time she asks for him i break. She rarely sees her father so my ex was like a dad to her.

 

I just want to be happy again.

I can't get over the lies and betrayal. He just wasted my time. I loved him and he deceived me

 

Sorry it's so long

Thanks in advance

Rebecca

[RainyCoast]

Hi Rebecca, welcome

 

That sounds tough..I honestly don't know what exactly to say other than people can be really careless and stomp all over your life, a child's feelings included. I keep this in mind. I don't think it makes me very bitter or distrusting, just rational. I keep in mind that people may do things like that so I'm careful about who I'm serious with or how much influence they have over my life. It takes a while to get to know a person fully, until you've successfully passed some tests and rough patches together you really don't know. And even after that, they could change. The best you can do, I think, is learn to not depend so much on them emotionally until you know you can.. But I understand that's so hard ..

 

It definitely won't help to sleep with men to get over this. I would text neither of them, delete their numbers.

 

I'm assuming you really want a good relationship and I guess you've been too eager to trust this man. Your family disliked him- perhaps they saw him for who he was early on while you had your rosy spectacles on? I think this situation is one of those sobering punches of reality, forcing you to understand that wanting a good relationship is okay but that, especially today when many relationships lack emotional commitment, it's highly recommended to be careful about whom you trust. Your girl will be exposed to your future partners and get attached, makes all the more sense to have high standards.

 

It's easy to be fooled though. And painful to come to realize that many, many people will trash your life and soul and leave you to clean up after them and explain to a little girl that people can leave, they can be careless, that's why some of them will abandon you, not because you deserve to be abandoned.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. Take some time to heal and get accustomed to the fact that men will have to undergo some scrutiny before they can play a significant role in yours and your daughters life. For a loyal person with no hidden motives it's hard to understand or accept that not everyone is that honest.

It'll take some time, post here, find a support group or counselor but don't sell yourself short contacting these men. You're a committed woman with standards and a mother, not some teenage bimbo they get to play. There will be committed men. But first learn how to keep immature, irresponsible, dishonest ones at bay. Never fall for a guy who hasn't grown a pair to act like a man. It's okay, and necessary to get it accross clearly that immature little douches are beneath you.

 

Massive hugs!!

[RCH1012]

Thank you RainyCoast

 

I am too trusting. I just thought because he was my friend and we were so perfect before he went overseas we didnt even fight that i COULD trust him. He was amazing with my daughter too. Kind of thought by accepting someone else's child you are a mature grown up.man. Obviously not.....

 

I feel so stupid and humiliated.

 

I have deleted my exes number and don't care enough to text the other guy anyway. He knew where i was at, what had happened and he said he'd be there for physical attention when i needed it (we kind of hit each other up when we're single....) and that's really all i wanted he left this morning saying he'd text me and maybe come back tonight and i was in the shower all like hmmm....not my smartest move. The last time i slept with him i was 23 and viewed sex differently to the way i do now my ex changed that opinion he made me see sex with someone you love is so much better (yes im laughing at the irony too!) but i guess im smarting by the fact he hasn't been in touch at all.

 

Im just feeling so inadequate. I am a stay at home mum i don't have a lot of money therefore don't have the nicest things, the girl he cheated on with is an ambulance paramedics with money falling out of her pockets.

Realistically i know what makes people rich and i am a millionaire in that regard and i shouldn't compare but i can't help it. I am attractive my body bounced straight back to shape i am nice i was a great gf i didn't control him at all (maybe i should have) im just struggling with unanswered questions i guess

 

 

[RainyCoast]

You had a baby and a serious relationship when you were quite young, I mean, with many people today only beginning to embark that journey around the age of 30. I guess when it happens sooner it also increases the odds of experiencing this loss sooner.. But the good thing is you're still young and still have plenty of time to hook up with someone more suitable.

I totally get what you said to the effect the man who introduced you to the idea to a loving relationship is the same one who trampled it. When a troublesome relationship ends you sort of saw it coming, it makes sense to have all these unanswered questions when a good relationship suddenly turns disastrous...sadly, I don't think he's likely to provide answers..Well, at least I got none from men who abruptly made a 180 turn. I guess it's because they have no satisfying answer to offer, I mean, is there such a thing that could justify what he did? I think not, so what is he going to say "I'm a je*k, that's why" (tbh, this one I have actually heard. It helped zilch). It's an emotional storm for you now but it does pass.. Wish I could say you can make it go away at once, it's a hard place to be in.

Just try to focus on drawing a clear line between your worth and his behavior for now. His actions in no way testify that you're inadequate, they testify that he is. Your financial status or whatever is in no way a reason to deem you inadequate- some people just have lax ideas about how they're supposed to treat others.

It wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it at all. Just want to make that crystal clear.

[RCH1012]

Thanks again.

 

I can't help feeling somehow it was my fault that maybe his life with me was too boring, maybe i didn't show him how much i cared.

The answers i received were "i was selfish, a coward and weak" and my favourite "i don't know".

 

In my head i know the problems are with him. I just forget sometimes lol. I also found out he cheated on his ex fiance with his best friends wife!!! That says a lot about him!

 

Im just very lonely. Having my daughter 24/7 makes it hard to do things to clear my head. I am going to look into counselling when i got tested for STI's the lady asked why since i had no symptoms and i explained she told me the have a free counselling service

 

Thank you for taking the time to help me.

[Ms Darcy]

I am surprised that you didn't learn from your first experience not to "plan to have children" with a man you are not married to.

 

I think you need to muscle through your loneliness. Running out and sleeping with guys is not only emotionally dependent on men for happiness, but also it's physically unhealthy - it exposes you to STDs.

 

I just read that you are looking into counseling. I do hope you do that. That - on a long-term basis - will really benefit you.

[RCH1012]

Ms Darcy, i personally do not believe that marriage has anything to do with whether a family stays together or splits up.

 

I do agree with your comment about depending on men for happiness. And we did use protection. I am also on birth control.

 

I heard from my ex this morning he told me he has gone away for a while to clear his head and decide on his next course of action. He also went on about how sorry he is and how amazing i was/am.

Just basically said everything he had said to my face.

 

The 'one night' guy also texted me . At 9pm. I didn't reply.

 

Just can't shake the why's and the feeling i am unworthy.

 

I am also struggling with having nobody to share my daughters achievements with, you know, daddy comes home and daughter shows off her pictures, spells/writes her name and shares stories of our day.

 

Thankfully though my daughter has only asked for him once today!

 

X

[RainyCoast]

It really isn't your fault. Cheaters cheat. And whoa, he's done it before!

Just hug the little one when she misses him, you'll be able to explain once she's older.

Definitely look into some single mother related support, support is probably what you need most now to battle the loneliness and blues

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, i personally do not believe that marriage has anything to do with whether a family stays together or splits up.

 

I do agree with your comment about depending on men for happiness. And we did use protection. I am also on birth control.

 

I think your comment is interesting insight on how you view marriage.

 

For me personally, marriage is a value and a commitment. It's a value in that it has been a provider of stability, structure, and security in my family and in my social circle. It aligns with my morale beliefs and the way I create a family. It is a commitment in that it has significant legal, financial, moral/social implications.

 

No, marriage is no gaurantee it'll last, but it does do a few things a) provides some level of assurance that the guy is willing to protect you legally and financially if things go south (next of kin benefits, spousal support and child support, etc); b) teaches your children to value marriage; and, c) lets you kno exactly ho serious the guy is. Because lots of people can "talk" about kids when they don't have to do anything really.

 

Just an alternate view to consider.

 

Also, you might be interested in this article from the Ne York Times called: "For Women Under 30, Most Births Occur Outside Marriage." It mentions:

 

"Among mothers of all ages, a majority — 59 percent in 2009 — are married when they have children. But the surge of births outside marriage among younger women — nearly two-thirds of children in the United States are born to mothers under 30 — is both a symbol of the transforming family and a hint of coming generational change.

 

One group still largely resists the trend: college graduates, who overwhelmingly marry before having children. That is turning family structure into a new class divide, with the economic and social rewards of marriage increasingly reserved for people with the most education.

 

“Marriage has become a luxury good,” said Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania.

 

The shift is affecting children’s lives. Researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school or suffering emotional and behavioral problems."

 

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