Alone time for step parents

[Cidmercury]

My fiancé and I have his daughter every weekend. I have no problem with her at all but I've asked for one night and a morning on the weekend once a month so that we can have a date night and privacy the next morning. This has turned into a big fight and I've been told I'm asking for too much and I'm being selfish This is a really touchy subject for him because he loves his daughter of course and wants all the time he can get with her and I understand that completely so when I approached him with this it turns into a fight and he thinks that I don't like his daughter, I don't want her around etc etc which isn't the case at all. He just becomes instantly defensive, gets his back up and misinterprets me and I've tried to tell him this. I love his daughter, I'm not here to take his time with her away I simple just want time alone with him now and then and we have such a busy schedule during the week. He gets up at 530 for work I see him when we get home at 5 to 5:30 and it's instantly go go go, he's got baseball or the gym or some other thing and then it's home eat dinner shower and go to bed and he's usually tired and out cold because he works long hard hours. So yes we love together and spend every day together but we never really have down time. Please tell me if it's wrong to ask for one night and the following morning just ONCE a month to have that time with him. I really just need outsiders advice or even better, advice from someone who is a step parent. And I can't stress enough that I have no problem with his daughter! It's not about wanting time away from her, I simple just miss and need that downtime with him.

[itsallgrand]

Disclaimer: I am not a step parent nor a parent.

 

Would you be happy with an alternative which would allow you more time with your boyfriend (some date time, extra down time together) if it did not include ever or very very infrequently having a night together on a week end?

[Lorem Ipsum]

How old is his daughter? If he's so busy all the time when does he pick her up/drop her off?

 

The thing is, you may need/want downtime but he may not. He may be using being "busy" as a way to avoid things, like the ending of his marriage/the time he loses out not being a full-time dad.

[charity]

where will his daughter be while this date night is happening and the next morning?

[Cidmercury]

I would be happy with just some date time yes the reason of specifically being on the weekend is so we can go out late and have the morning to sleep in and be intimate

[Cidmercury]

My step daughter is 5, he doesn't use "being busy" as an excuse not to see me, we just have a routine. We don't get home tulle 530 he has baseball practise and we both like to keep up with the gym so by the time we get home like I said it's basically just eat shower and sleep because he has to be up so early.

 

His ex has his daughter during the week till Thursday. She goes to daycare/school mon- fri and then if anybody has plans she goes to either or her grandparents, the other actually parent, her auntie, she has a pretty big family

[Lorem Ipsum]

My point was that if he picks his daughter up at 9am on Saturday and has her the entire weekend until Sunday night at 7pm when he drops her off (as an example), AND he has her every weekend without fail, then he is not likely to choose you over her and just not pick her up until 1pm on Saturday so you can have your Friday night date and weekend morning sleep in every so often. You see it as a simple compromise, one morning where you wouldn't have to worry about making his child a breakfast, or worrying that she might walk in on you where you can have each other all to yourselves, he sees it as you hate his kid/you're being selfish.

 

If you aren't getting enough time to spend with him, you're going to have to speak with him about it and be specific that this is about you not feeling connected to him as well as you would like to be because you both have busy schedules. Would you be willing to forgo a weekend morning for two weeknights? Would he be willing to give up one of his extra-curricular activities so he's not just coming home and going to bed? If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, you are going to have to consider couples' counselling to work through this. Because I would argue that having a lot of extracurricular activities on top of a demanding job, that is a way to not see you or spend much time with you. If you were happy with the way things are, you wouldn't be asking for one night and one morning once a month to spend with him. However, I don't think it's "right" that you ask to take that time away from his child.

[itsallgrand]

^She said everything I wanted to, and was thinking myself!

 

Getting weekends only the two of you may not be realistic with a dad who only gets to see her weekends. Of course that time is going to be very precious to him. And to his daughter too, I bet.

 

But I think asking for more time together during the week is a reasonable compromise - because even though you are with a dad with partial custody, you do have a relationship with him and your needs in the relationship are important too.

 

Hopefully you two can work it out.

 

Possible ideas are someone cutting back on work, or cutting down on a sport, or the two of you finding some creative ways to spend more time together and get rest days once in a while (co-ordinating days off now and again during a week day,even, or mini vacations in the week on occasion). Maybe you could hit the gym together some times, or instead of organized sport all the time, you two use some of it to bike or do things together.

 

Routines can be changed, is the point. good luck.

[Batya33]

I would be more flexible and do a date afternoon or do a date but make love at a different time, etc. His daughter is only 5 (same age as my son) and this time is so precious and she's constantly growing, changing and learning.

[Cidmercury]

This thread has made me feel worse lol ugh, I don't at all want to take time away from him with his daughter but I understand why he sees it that way. I just feel slightly neglected because his ex gets away with everything she drinks and party's and is so irresponsible and so much drama involved around her and if she wants something she gets it pretty much. His daughter has told me that she "hardly sees mom" because she just takes her to school then she gets picked up and goes to her grandparents or something like that. So we do have her Thursday night Friday Saturday Sunday and occasionally for dinner during the week. And ya with the busy schedule he tends to complain we don't have sex enough so that creates some tension and frustrates me when he gets mad about that because it's like "I've been asking to have a date night so we can have sex and be intimate!" Also the thing that bothers me which probably comes down to your advice being his excuse of having a busy schedule is just not to spend time with me is that if he wants to do something for example st Patricks day.. He had no problem dumping his daughter at his sisters house for the day and over night so he could go out. Sorry I'm somewhat just ranting and complaining now to look for another answer I guess

[Batya33]

Also keep in mind that you are not a stepparent - you are her father's fiancee. In that context you have even less leverage to make this kind of request. I wouldn't get in the middle of his relationship with his daughter and do your best to find other times to be intimate. I would discourage the daughter from talking to you about her mother (negative things) -change the subject.

[Lorem Ipsum]

And ya with the busy schedule he tends to complain we don't have sex enough so that creates some tension and frustrates me when he gets mad about that because it's like "I've been asking to have a date night so we can have sex and be intimate!" Also the thing that bothers me which probably comes down to your advice being his excuse of having a busy schedule is just not to spend time with me is that if he wants to do something for example st Patricks day.. He had no problem dumping his daughter at his sisters house for the day and over night so he could go out.

So you actually have his daughter almost 50% of the time. He's busy, frustrated that you guys don't have sex as often as he would like, yet he hasn't made the correlation that a) with all his sports after work, he's tired and has no time for sex and b) he makes times for things he wants to do, like party with his buddies, where he makes other arrangements for his daughter's care (that coincidentally don't appear to include you, unless you were invited to St. Pat's and just couldn't go).

 

He's essentially still got a single guy's mindset. Yeah, it's no wonder you're aggravated. I don't think he's doing it intentionally, I think he's probably doing it because his activities are fun and it's what he did when he was single to keep busy (not focus on being alone). He probably has great friends at these sports things he does and doesn't want to give them up/look p-whipped -- it may simply have never occurred to him that now that he's on the road to get married, he's got someone else he has to consider. However, I'm going to assume he's no longer 18-24 and can burn the candle at both ends without feeling it.

 

I'm going to make a suggestion that may seem a little over the top. Monitor all your activities for a month. Write down each night he's out playing sports, when his daughter is over, when there are special events, things you do. Mark down nights when you were interested in having sex but he wasn't there (or he was flaked out) and at the end of a month, sit him down and talk to him about how you want to carve one night a week out for date night for just the two of you. Which looks like it won't be a weekend, but rather an early weekday like maybe a Tuesday. Ask him if he wants to have more sex (he should answer yes) and then get him to help you find a place in the schedule to fit it, but be clear that you want a full date night, not just a nookie (roll over and go to sleep) night. It may come to a point where he's "But that's Darts Night! I can't give up Darts Night! and I can't give up Bowling on Wednesday etc." and you're going to have to stick to your guns because he simply can't have it all. He's going to have to twig on that in order to get what he wants (sex) he's going to have to give something up, because he simply doesn't have the time or energy for it all.

 

I don't know how old you are but if you are considering having children with this man, this is a problem that isn't going to go away. It'll only get worse when you've got a baby with you 24/7/365. The two of you really need to work this out, or it's going to be an ongoing source of resentment for you and frustration for him. If you can't work it out together into some reasonable compromise and he won't go to counselling if you suggest it, you're going to have to rethink whether or not you should marry him.

[Cidmercury]

My fiancé is the one who refers to me as her step mother.. We are engaged to be married.. His daughter knows me as her step mother. I was not the one who initiated that but I'm completely comfortable with it as is her actual mother. As for his daughter talking to me I find it important that she has someone to talk to that is not her own parents and again this is something both her actual mom and her father has agreed about, she has a lot to say be it negative or not, I never say negative things to her about her mother, I'm there to listen and be someone she can talk to in confidence about whatever she likes, she's a smart girl.

[Cidmercury]

Lorem ipsum

Thank you this has been the most helpful advice so far, I like your idea of tracking our activity for a month.. I appreciate your advice. He is 31 years old. Yes we talked about having our own child but since we've had these issues the topic hasn't come up again. We obviously have some mending to do and couples councils has been a suggestion before but I think I'll try this so I have something I can at least show him.

[Iggles]

Good luck, OP. Some solid advice as been offered her. I think Lorem ipsum's idea to monitor activities for a full month is a great one! Hard for him to argue when it's been documented how he has chosen to spend his time the last month.

[Batya33]

My fiancé is the one who refers to me as her step mother.. We are engaged to be married.. His daughter knows me as her step mother. I was not the one who initiated that but I'm completely comfortable with it as is her actual mother. As for his daughter talking to me I find it important that she has someone to talk to that is not her own parents and again this is something both her actual mom and her father has agreed about, she has a lot to say be it negative or not, I never say negative things to her about her mother, I'm there to listen and be someone she can talk to in confidence about whatever she likes, she's a smart girl.

 

I think if she wants to talk about her parents in a negative way you are not the right person for it given your relationship in the family. Perhaps a family friend or someone on the outside. I think it puts you in potentially awkward positions. I don't think you can or should promise to keep everything in confidence because as an adult you might have to tell another adult about it.

 

Is there a reason you're not married yet?

[Lorem Ipsum]

Hard for him to argue when it's been documented how he has chosen to spend his time the last month.

Just remember, this isn't about arguing -- it's about fixing a problem (no time for sex). If you confront him with a "See! THIS is what you've done for the past month, ignoring me!" type attitude, he'll shut down. If it's a problem you both have, he'll be more likely to want to work on solving it. At that point, if he's stonewalling, you can bring up things like "Well, could your sister have her for one weekday night once a month? She seemed happy to watch when you went to that St. Pat's party last month"

 

But, at the end of the day, you're going to have to decide if this is the life you want. If he won't work on it, if he won't go to counselling, if you're the one with the problem/it's your fault/you're selfish (and you should be about this, within reason), then you're going to have to walk. For two single people with no children, having a Friday night date and lazy Saturday morning erm... "happy" hour is a perfectly reasonable thing to request. When there's a small child involved, it becomes something you either have to schedule with support from other family members, or it's just unrealistic. Now, if you wanted to lay around in bed with him and his daughter, eat cereal and watch Disney flicks, you might be able to swing that.

 

I read something like this a while ago, link removed.

[Cidmercury]

I think if she wants to talk about her parents in a negative way you are not the right person for it given your relationship in the family. Perhaps a family friend or someone on the outside. I think it puts you in potentially awkward positions. I don't think you can or should promise to keep everything in confidence because as an adult you might have to tell another adult about it.

 

Is there a reason you're not married yet?

 

I don't agree with you and this has nothing to do with my original post. She is 5 years old if she wants to talk she can talk and I encourage it and I don't think expressing to me that she "doesn't see mummy much after school" isn't so much a negative thing but just voicing she misses her mom maybe. She shouldn't feel like she needs to keep secrets or that she can't talk to me about certain things because of my relationship with her parents.. A 5 year olds questions and concerns could not put me in an awkward position, I'm an adult.. And of course I cannot "promise to keep everything in confidence" because yes if I'm told something concerning that needs to be brought up with her parents then I would do so. Just like any other situation where somebody might tell you something that is worrisome or requires more attention from the right people you would do something about it, it's common sense. We are not married yet because we don't feel the need to put it on paper and spend the money to do that when instead put our money towards something else, it's a mutual agreement. Again which has nothing to do with my original post and doesn't make any difference in my situation or the advice I'm looking for..

[Batya33]

You misinterpreted my post. We can disagree on what the proper role of adults are with 5 year olds (I have one). I do think it relates to your request for advice because you're asking about what your proper role is with respect to your fiancee's daughter. Take or leave my input (and I won't explain what I did mean since you think it's irrelevant anyway).

 

As far as money to get married I can't relate - I spent under $1,500 for my entire wedding including my dress and shoes, lunch for 10 people. The marriage license was far cheaper than that. We can disagree on the benefits of marriage when a young child is involved.

 

Good luck.

[Liraele]

One thing I've learned from being a step-parent... you definitely can't focus on what the other "gets away with" or you will make yourself crazy.

 

A more reasonable compromise would be a date night for the two of you during the week. It may not involve a super-late night, but you should still be able to meet your needs for intimacy on a week night and not take away time from his daughter. Encouraging them to have a "daddy-daughter" date night one weekend a month would be a good thing, too. She probably feels a little bit like you're infringing on her relationship with her dad, too....and encouraging them to have some one-on-one time doing something that's about them would be a good way to bolster their relationship, restore your role as support, and reassure her that you aren't trying to take him away from her in any manner. Some special one-on-one time from you with her (manicures are usually a hit... at pretty much any age) can be good, too.

[Cidmercury]

I think this will be my option, were just lacking private time, I can work with a date night during the week or just some one on one/down time whatever.

We do pretty good with daddy daughter days, They have there time together and I give them there space and I get my space too. When it's just me and his daughter we do all the girly stuff!

Thanks