How Do You Stop Yourself From Snooping?

[WeeToad]

I know anyone can literally, physically stop his/herself from reaching out to a phone, keyboard, etc and committing the act, and I agree upfront that it's ultimately a choice and the person is responsible for doing it if they choose to do it.

 

But I am wondering how people with trust issues mentally/emotionally 'talk themselves down' from snooping (so to speak).

 

I certainly have trust issues. My longest relationship was for 3 years, and he did quite a bit to blow up my insecurity, including lots of lying and multiple cases of cheating. I still cringe if I let myself dwell on some of those memories for a minute.

 

And I don't want to be the paranoid, half-crazy and disrespectful lover who frantically goes through their boyfriend/girlfriend's computer history in a five minute window of opportunistic time. I want to be the secure, sane and respectful lover who doesn't even begin to freak out unless some obvious bad signs pop up.

 

But I'm not quite there yet.

 

So my current budding relationship has been a little rocky in the intimacy department, mainly his apparent lack of interest. You can find my posts on here and see how I bounce around mentally and emotionally over it. Thank goodness for the internet so I can vent my half-neurotic-half-legitimate episodes anonymously.

 

Well anyway, when we got together, he didn't have a password on his phone. And I never looked through it. I was doing pretty darn good in the feeling-secure-and-being-sane department.

 

Then he traded in his old phone for a new one, around the same time that he seemed to be losing interest in being intimate with me. He seems like a genuinely good guy. He's so shy when it comes to sex that I can't even imagine him cheating, because that would require actually being intimate.

 

But when he got his new phone, he put a password on it, and it made me feel CRAZY. I've been trying to just stuff these feelings down and away, because I have no idea how to 'process' them and make them actually go away.

 

Well he enters his password in front of me frequently, and I have figured out what it is. Heaven help me.

 

The past two times we have spent time together, I have been so horrendously tempted to snoop that it's almost unbearable, but I've held out both times.

 

Completely regardless of the other details of this relationship, I really don't want to be a snooper and am mentally/emotionally writhing inside every time he leaves the room and forgets his phone.

 

Anyone with trust issues who can relate to me (or who used to have them) have words of advice, wisdom or encouragement? I know this is stupid, but it's driving me nuts and I want to be a better person than I'm tempted to be lately.

[ynguns251]

I had issues with my ex on this subject. I was always wondering what she was doing behind my back and when i searched I found she was cheating on me and I felt horrible. The question you have to ask yourself is why? do you feel this way and maybe confronting your partner and asking some questions.

 

 

 

Jim

[gardnergirl2]

many people, including myself, put passwords on their phone. It has nothing to do with cheating. For me, if I were to lose it, I don't want someont who finds it to easily access personal info. If he is entering the password in front of you, I would say that chances are you have nothing to be concerned about. And yes, snooping is a bad idea.

[WeeToad]

many people, including myself, put passwords on their phone. It has nothing to do with cheating. For me, if I were to lose it, I don't want someont who finds it to easily access personal info. If he is entering the password in front of you, I would say that chances are you have nothing to be concerned about. And yes, snooping is a bad idea.

 

I agree with you! But I'm still insanely tempted to grab his phone when he's asleep and scroll through every text message on it. This is a problem in me, not in him. I'm wondering how people with the same problem cope with it or improve it. You make a very good point, too. He enters it right in front me. Almost the same as if he just told me what it is. Might just chant that in the future when he's asleep lol.

[gardnergirl2]

I would not go through it. My ex's woman does that all the time to him, and it has caused major problems. We have an old saying here in the south. "it will all come out in the wash". If he were to be cheating, it will come out sooner or later. You won't have to snoop. And, if it did (which I don't suspect based on what you have said), you can hold your head up high knowing that you behaved honorably the whole time.

[Unreasonable]

Here's an idea:

 

Tell him you know his password and that hey probably ought to change it.

 

That should stop you.

[chr8st8na]

hmm wonder why its heaven help me... o yea mayeb because he knows his lover is a snoop

[mhowe]

Were that he was, in fact, her lover....there is the crux of the mistrust.

He is Mr. No Affection.

[WeeToad]

Here's an idea:

 

Tell him you know his password and that hey probably ought to change it.

 

That should stop you.

 

I am stopping myself. It's just really hard. I don't know how to process this particular piece of baggage.

[WeeToad]

hmm wonder why its heaven help me... o yea mayeb because he knows his lover is a snoop

 

But I'm not a snoop.

 

I'm really tempted to be a snoop, and that is my problem. Surely I'm not the only person on a relationship forum website that struggles with this temptation?

[mhowe]

I think you eliminate the need for knowledge by asking him outright...

 

Why are you not intimate with me?

[pl3asehelp]

How well do you know they guy? Has he earned your trust or did you just decide he was trustworthy and call it a day?

[WeeToad]

I think you eliminate the need for knowledge by asking him outright...

 

Why are you not intimate with me?

 

That is the plan for this upcoming weekend when he hang out. My own baggage/issues give me the impulsive urge to side-step asking him and snoop through his phone instead. I know this is unhealthy and that it's coming from my baggage. I want to overcome it instead of caving into it. I feel like I've come a long way since my last relationship. I even forced myself not to date for a minimum of 1 year (turned into about 3 years) in order to work on myself. It's test-time and I'm nervous, I guess.

[WeeToad]

How well do you know they guy? Has he earned your trust or did you just decide he was trustworthy and call it a day?

 

His behavior is unusual lately (not showing hardly any physical affection and no interest in intimacy), and this is combined with my own baggage/insecurities. He seems in all regards so far to be a trustworthy guy. So I'm taking a moment here before show time to address some inner demons.

[MisUnderstood9]

I was horrible for this and I had the same reasons you did. Past experience and insecurity (mostly insecurity). I metaphorically restrain myself from snooping. When I feel erge to do it, I stand there looking at my fiance computer (or sitting in his chair literally waving his mouse like a crazy person over his facebook icon in his favourites bar comtemplating WHY I AM EVEN ATTEMPTING TO DO IT!

 

I slowly just talk myself out of it. Ask myself: "Why am I even curious?" "Do I trust him?" "Of course I trust him, I wouldn't be marrying him if I didnt" "Has he ever done anything to make me think I cant trust him" "No, he hasnt" "Are you acting like a crazy person?" "Yes, Yes I am" -- and thats usually when let go of the mouse stand up and walk away. And I feel SOOO much better after I do that.

 

It's all about free will, choice and control I think.... I know I am a very insecure person, was once probably borderline physco about it -- no I really had no reason except for my own problems. My fiance knows about my insecurity and he knows I am getting it under control. It's a long struggle -- Ive been snooping free for 4 years lol... Feels like an addiction I'm trying to break habit of now.

[Kaytie]

I think it's great that you have this level of self-awareness and are actively trying to work on it. That's amazing. Just telling you 'don't do it' is not useful, because, frankly, you already know that. I completely understand that you are motivated to work on the inner demons.

 

As far as specific, useful strategies, you should keep the internal dialogue going and keep reminding yourself that he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him. If it means writing a thought down and repeating it to yourself then you can try that. Seeing a therapist for the trust issues is also a great idea, if you haven't tried that route yet.

 

Having said all that, though, the fact that his behaviour has changed recently may mean something. I really think you need to sit down and talk to him and express that you are concerned about the sudden change. There could be a very legit explanation and it may put your mind at ease. If he knows that you are feeling uneasy, he can also provide a bit of reassurance that may make you less anxious.

[Unreasonable]

I am stopping myself. It's just really hard.

It doesn't have to be. If you really don't want to snoop, tell him to change his password. The temptation will be eliminated because it will be impossible.

 

That's not to say you won't be driven crazy by not knowing his password though, which comes from your insecurities, which is what this is really about.

[Kendahke]

I would not go through it. My ex's woman does that all the time to him, and it has caused major problems. We have an old saying here in the south. "it will all come out in the wash". If he were to be cheating, it will come out sooner or later. You won't have to snoop. And, if it did (which I don't suspect based on what you have said), you can hold your head up high knowing that you behaved honorably the whole time.

 

so very true.

 

I never had to snoop my ex's phone to find out he was cheating. He butt dialed me on his way to her condo. Heard the whole thing.

 

It will out itself eventually. The truth ALWAYS outs.

[Unreasonable]

so very true.

 

I never had to snoop my ex's phone to find out he was cheating. He butt dialed me on his way to her condo. Heard the whole thing.

 

It will out itself eventually. The truth ALWAYS outs.

 

Caveat: Unless you're blind and don't want to know it.

[Kendahke]

His behavior is unusual lately (not showing hardly any physical affection and no interest in intimacy), and this is combined with my own baggage/insecurities. He seems in all regards so far to be a trustworthy guy. So I'm taking a moment here before show time to address some inner demons.

 

Instead of snooping, why dont' you just come out and ask him what is going on? If you don't like the answer you're given, then decide then to TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT and end things. You then maintain an unassailable position and cannot not be taken hold of by your action to be deceitful, which snooping is. When you discover that there is nothing there, then you will search for something or force the issue, which will end things anyway---might as well maintain the high road.

 

But I think that your issue is much deeper--I think that there is something else going on if you can't stop yourself from obsessing about a cell phone and it may be something you need to be discussing with a therapist.

[Kendahke]

Caveat: Unless you're blind and don't want to know it.

 

That has nothing to do with the truth outting--whether or not someone wants to see/hear it, it will out.

 

Living in denial is either a really lame coping mechanism or it's a tool of manipulation.

[JA0371]

Im not a snooper at all....but I know if I found out my bf went through my phone, I would be livid. In fact it would be a dealbreaker. Even married couples need privacy. If you can't trust the person you are with, then you may as well be alone.

Even if you snoop and find 'evidence'...does it justify you doing it? It likely won't make you feel any better.

 

I know you wanted advice on how to stop snooping...but I can only tell you...don't do it!!

[WeeToad]

Instead of snooping, why dont' you just come out and ask him what is going on? If you don't like the answer you're given, then decide then to TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT and end things. You then maintain an unassailable position and cannot not be taken hold of by your action to be deceitful, which snooping is. When you discover that there is nothing there, then you will search for something or force the issue, which will end things anyway---might as well maintain the high road.

 

But I think that your issue is much deeper--I think that there is something else going on if you can't stop yourself from obsessing about a cell phone and it may be something you need to be discussing with a therapist.

 

If I could afford a therapist right now, my butt would be in her office. But I've had therapy in the past (and she was a great one) and I remember all of our sessions. This weekend is the part where I actually put those sessions to use and put myself to the test. I appreciate everyone's comments and/or advice very much. I am very determined to do the right, sane thing, but I am also very nervous. People with trust issues might be able to empathize better. I am sure that to secure people I just sound crazy and stupid, heh.

[CeeLambrini]

You have to prioritise the respect you have for him, and put it above needing to snoop. Respecting him includes respecting his privacy. You may feel that you have some kind of right to his privacy, but you don't. The only access you are entitled to is the access he chooses to give you in conversation.

Is your respect for him strong enough to overcome the urge to snoop? Perhaps if you still feel entitled to his phone, you don't respect him as much as you think you do.

[WeeToad]

Im not a snooper at all....but I know if I found out my bf went through my phone, I would be livid. In fact it would be a dealbreaker. Even married couples need privacy. If you can't trust the person you are with, then you may as well be alone.

Even if you snoop and find 'evidence'...does it justify you doing it? It likely won't make you feel any better.

 

I know you wanted advice on how to stop snooping...but I can only tell you...don't do it!!

 

I haven't snooped yet. I have actually never snooped (although admittedly, I probably would have snooped in my last relationship if I had had the opportunity). That is probably what makes it so tempting now, actually. My ex cheated on me several times, and I never found out until after it had been a while, and then it was just a massive mind**** as dozens to hundreds of memories got suddenly painted in an ugly light. If I HAD snooped, then I would have known much sooner than I did. But my current guy is not my ex an deserves to be approached as the individual he is and not like he is my ex. It's just sort of terrifying to trust someone that much, to just ask a question and trust the answer, and to then keep going, keep investing, keep becoming more and more vulnerable. I guess I think he's worth it so far but I'm still terrified.