Girlfriend just dumped me but it doesn't feel right

[CraigHowes]

Hi Guys, I've been a reader for many years and thought i had this whole relationship thing on lockdown but obviously that's not the case.

 

Just to give a bit of background together for 1year 8months. Easily the best girlfriend i've ever had and i've had longer relationships.

 

She broke up with me earlier today because she felt things had not been right in a while. I mean the sex had slowly got less and less so that should of been a clue i suppose. The main reason she broke up with me was because it was just too stressful, she is one of these girls that keeps things in and goes into a shell rather than dealing with the issue. She asked for a break 2 weeks ago in which i reluctantly accepted to in order to give her space and figure things out. Throughout this break she was on the fence somedays wanting to be with me and others not so much.

 

Now when she broke up with me her body language didn't match up with what she was saying she seems confused about it all. She has a lot going on in her life right now, she is depressed about her job and lacks general motivation to get a new one, she wants to join a gym but has general lack of motivation again, her view on her body isn't great but i know she looks beautiful just she can't see it. I honestly think she is slightly depressed and doesn't know what she wants.

 

So i'm just after a bit of advice really on what to do. Do i leave the pieces on the floor or do i fight for her. It's like she is emotionally blocked off from me at the moment but will still speak to me.

 

Someone talk some sense into me lol

[BigKK]

Hey mate, you sound just like me when you got here.

 

Went through the "break" and then the "real breakup" well I jumped on here during the break, and was trying to convince everyone here it's not a break...especially myself.

 

 

She wants out of the relationship, whatever her reasons and current state, it doesn't matter...depression, stress, if there is love she is still going to tell you about it, tell you she's having a rough time but wants you in her life still. This is not the case.

 

No fighting is needed, it's over. Time to go no contact, separate your lives, and begin Your healing process.

[CraigHowes]

Ah this actually makes a lot of sense to me n I have kinda put the wool over my eyes.

 

I spoke to her on the phone and she is confused about it all and feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She just can't currently see a way of getting back to how we were when I can n that's where we differ.

 

We both agreed on going no contact for a month to give each other space and let our emotions calm down. Then we will ring each other to see if anything has changed and I think it gives her a chance to miss me.

 

In the meantime I'm gunna start moving on with my life keep going to the gym and I have new job prospects on the way to concentrate on and I'm prepared if she still doesn't want to work it out. Cuz at the moment she doesn't know n is being very honest with me.

 

How do u think this sounds guys?

 

Cheers

[skylens]

I think your approach is perfect. Focus on yourself for now and see what happens in a month.

[CraigHowes]

Yea it's tough but healing always is n it's still pretty fresh. So I was wondering after the month has past well the 7th April to be precise. Do I wait to see if she contacts me on that day? Because what I don't want to happen is for me to contact her and her feel exactly the same way. Then also if I don't hear anything I'll pretty much have my answer.

 

I just don't want to compromise my healing and go backwards potentially chasing something that isn't there again?

 

No contact is going well as I have nothing else left to say we talked the situation to death kinda thing.

 

Thanks guys.

[sharky988]

She wants to keep you on the backburner while she spends the month seeing how she likes being single. Meanwhile, you spend the month in limbo, hoping for a reconciliation.

 

You'll basically be holding her hand through this breakup -- keeping her from facing the consequences of her actions (the loss of you in her life) while preventing yourself from starting to heal from this breakup.

 

In your shoes, I'd call off this 30-day deal. Tell her you love her but you won't be there as a Plan B and not to contact you again, so you can heal and move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you with going No Contact: link removed

[CraigHowes]

Just to clarify it was me who suggested the one month thing because I asked her what she truly wanted and which she said space.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any difference to what your saying as it does make sense.

 

I think I'm just keep moving forward and go the balls in her court. If she does contact me in a month I'll be in a better position to deal with it. No breadcrumbs will be answered either.

 

I've already told her not to contact me unless she wants to talk about getting back together before I even mentioned a months silence.

 

Thanks

[sharky988]

"Space" means..... "let me see who/what else is out there and keep you as a backup while I do it."

 

By giving her that liferaft of "maybe in 30 days" you're only making it easier for HER to move on -- and harder for yourself.

 

But -- it's your life! I didn't expect you to take that advice anyway. But please check out that breakup guide link -- many people here have found it helpful.

[CraigHowes]

Yea thinking about it this idea is kinda selling myself short and I deserve more than being a option. I shouldn't of even agreed to the break and broke up with her then before she got the chance to even consider breaking up with me.

 

We live and learn and I'm sure more objective reasons will pop up as I start to reflect and heal from this relationship.

[No1]

Why on Earth do you want to be with someone that clearly does not want to be with you?

To me, she is saying I want to be romantically away from you. Maybe she thinks of you as a friend, but I don't think she wants any type of physical relationship with you. She just doesn't know how exactly to say it without making you feel bad so she is using every excuse to make it sound like its her and her fault. I think that the romantic aspect of the relationship is done (for now)

If you fight for her and she comes back she could come back reluctantly and be mad at herself for giving in and in turn give you a hard time.

IMO.. if she wants to be with you, she is the one who is going to have to earn her way back into your life. She knows you want her, and that means you have given her the power to decide, you have not given her any reason or incentive to come back because she knows you are always there.

Once you let her go and move forward and have fun with out her she will realize what she wants. In the mean time, just let her go, she is begging for you to let her go so do it. See what happens when she realizes you are not always available to her anymore.

[BigKK]

"Space" means..... "let me see who/what else is out there and keep you as a backup while I do it."

 

By giving her that liferaft of "maybe in 30 days" you're only making it easier for HER to move on -- and harder for yourself.

 

But -- it's your life! I didn't expect you to take that advice anyway. But please check out that breakup guide link -- many people here have found it helpful.

 

Hey Craig, definitely read through the guide, it should help you out, promise.

 

Yea thinking about it this idea is kinda selling myself short and I deserve more than being a option. I shouldn't of even agreed to the break and broke up with her then before she got the chance to even consider breaking up with me.

 

We live and learn and I'm sure more objective reasons will pop up as I start to reflect and heal from this relationship.

 

The worst part of my breakup was being in this limbo state of "letting her see" while the only thing I wanted was to get back together because we could work on things. So I let her be for three weeks, in complete agony, while she was off having a ball. Then I asked her why she's partying, she doesn't seem like she's really "thinking about us," she wasn't... she just had the weight lifted off her shoulders, she had a nice guy on the back burner in case things don't work out, and she didn't want to "hurt me."

 

Once I cemented in my mind that not only is it over, but I don't want someone back because I'm better than that. My woman won't dump me and go party, she will fight for us, not wait around and maybe give me a ring that she's lonely and I come flocking back... I'm better than that, and you are too. So once you accept that, once you realize that the 30 day time limit is all complete bull and it's for her benefit and not yours, you will begin your healing process.

 

You're gonna be fine though, sound like a bright guy, cheers!

[CraigHowes]

Just a update for you guys. I cancelled the whole one month thing yesterday n basically said I deserve better than being a option now it's to match my words with actions which is no contact!

 

I get that she had all the power she is already confused as to why I'm not chasing anymore. All of what uve said has made perfect sense and I've read thebreakuprecoveryguide like a bible. It already feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my soul seems much more at peace with it all.

 

What I did with my ex before was chase till I could chase no more even while she was with someone else I'm not doing that again I can remember how bad that one was to get over.

 

It's only been 4 days but my weeks plans are full of catching up with old mates and personal projects. The hurt has lessened and I pay it less attention as I was so emotionally exhausted at the end.

 

I'm not gunna jump straight back out there I'm gunna do me first and make sure my soul is fully healed.

 

I've started to look at the relationship more objectively and can see she was a shell of the woman I first met and had so many issues that had nothing to do with me.

 

I'm looking forward to the future and living for the moment trying to find balance in my life and better myself.

 

Thanks guys!

[No1]

Very good attitude and that is a good base to start with. You will have your weak moments, but thats okay, its part of healing. Every so often in the midst of being busy youll find yourself sad, again, its normal and okay. This doesnt mean you are progressing, it means you are going thru the natural phases of recovering.

You will be happy again when its the right time and not a moment before. Lean on your friends and keep smiling youll be okay.

[CraigHowes]

Just a further update of where I'm at 1 week post breakup.

 

Broke no contact yesterday after doing a lot of self reflecting and watched a video on different fighting styles hailstorm vs turtle google it if you if you will.

 

I sent this to her and she agreed completely that it was describing us. This resulted in us having a two hour conversation about where we went wrong analysing our relationship and seeing where we we're at.

 

main points from her as follows:

 

1. Felt like she became a pushover and lost her independence in the relationship.

 

2. Felt like I planned everything and shot down her ideas so she just ended up going along with it and not trying.

 

3. Having a sense of losing who she was at the start which she is working on and trying to get back now.

 

I agreed with what she said and spoke about where I went wrong. Didn't fight fair threw my toys out of the pram. Didn't understand why she went more and more into her shell when in fights and discussions.

 

I've let her go and said if you come back then great it was meant to be but I may of moved on by then and hoped that she found what she was looking for.

 

I think she is lost in her life right now she is in her early 20s and we all go through the stage of who am I and where am I going.

 

There is no anger or bad feelings between us and we have forgiven our mistakes. Do you think with time this is salvageable? For now I'm moving forward and keeping busy. NC day 1.

[sharky988]

I think that what you've described is a very good "closure"-type conversation. I would not say this points to reconciliation. Breakups are about emotions not logic or understanding -- and her FEELINGS for you need to be there if there's a reconciliation. Pretty much the only shot you have of reconciling is sticking to No Contact and hope that in time she misses you enough to change her mind. So.... leave her alone now, for real. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know.