A boundary - ran through headfirst

[ButterflyWrists]

OK.. Some background on me and my 'friend' who I shall call Bob..

We have known each other for 13 years. He has been infatuated with me ever since we met, in primary school. Has been in love with me. He has never had a girlfriend and really doesn't seem to know what is socially acceptable. Up until he went to college and uni, he spent his whole life studying so didn't make many friends.

 

During my teen years, I was in an abusive relationship for around a year - the abuse was mental, physical and sexual. The guy was very controlling.. (I think there may be a thread somewhere on that..) Anyway since then I have been slowly getting over it although there are times where I feel especially bad because of it.

 

Right, me and Bob went out drinking Friday, and before we went to the club, we were very drunk and playing truth or dear.

 

Bob asked me, if I had to choose between him or my abuser to be with, who would I choose. Well he knows I do not like him like that, never have done, and every other question before, was highly sexual or inappropriate but he KNOWS I will not ever be with him.

 

So he asked that question, to make me choose him. I didn't answer, and it ruined my night. Now I want to cut off the friendship, it is clear he does not respect my boundaries.

Problem though, is that we are going to a gig together in April I guess I can ignore him until then.

 

anyway, what would you guys do if put in this position?

[Pisancho]

Eish 13 yr infatuation, that has to be a record. Good thing you are not falling for him coz if he became freinds with another woman he will leave you. Why dont you tell him face to face that the only reason he is in "love" with you is because you may be the only girl he knows, that should work. If he persits tell him you want to end the friendship. He will take it bad of course but thats life you know. You already told him you dont like him that way but he is trying to manipulate you with questions etc. I am a guy so what he is doing to you is actually not normal to say the least. I also kind of fell in "love" with a girl I knew from primary but that was because I was always around her in class etc, when I moved to secondary school I forgot about her in a day. Just tell him the truth and mean it. No more nice girl

[ButterflyWrists]

I've told him, many times. I keep trying to encourage him to meet other girls. I try and introduce him to girls, but he doesn't like them. It's frustrating. He knows I am not into him and that nothing will ever happen, and yes his questions were and are manipulative. It's why I am ending the friendship - the question I put in my OP is the reason I can no longer be his friend. What kind of a friend would ask that.

[agent1607307371]

He has been infatuated with me ever since we met

 

My answer to this is always the same, when someone has an idealised image of you, there can be no friendship. It doesn't matter how much you like them, or how long you've known them, or even how much you pity them, because from their end they're just treading time until they can get you to be with them.

 

I've known guys like this, and you just have to put yourself first.

[ButterflyWrists]

He said to me he doesn't want to lose my friendship, he keeps saying that he will make me his wife though. Up until friday, our friendship was alright, he hardly ever saw eachother and I encouraged him to find a girl more suited to him. But friday he kept being manipulative and then that question.

But now the friendship has to end, and he wants to make it up to me. But how can you come back from that kind of question. had nightmares every night since

[CeeLambrini]

The thing is, his 'friendship' with you is not the same 'friendship' you feel with him. He is a man waiting on the sidelines for you to change your mind about him and takes opportunities to be inappropriate so he can set himself up with some hope. Asking you that question is not only crossing a boundary but actually bringing up a very painful part of your past and trivialising it so that he gets a kick out of you saying you would choose him.

It is disrespectful, and not something I would accept a friend asking me at all. The friendship does need to end, without you in his life his infatuation will end, too. As long as you are there giving him hope (imaginary or real) then he will always cling onto that. I don't think you should be obligated to go to the gig with him later on in the year. Send him a message explaining how you feel about the other night and that you are not comfortable going to the gig with him later. If he doesn't want to sell/give you his ticket then you will do so with yours (or buy another one and take another friend).

If you want him to meet someone else, or get over you then you can't be in his life. This has gone on for 13 years and encouraging him to meet someone else while you're still around just isn't working and never has done. Time to try a new approach

[ButterflyWrists]

Thank you CeeLambrini. That is what I was thinking.. I didn't answer the question, I kicked him and tried not to cry. Stooping that low is as bad as an abuser in a way, because in my eyes anyway, that is emotional abuse. Well the ticket is his xmas present from me. So I can just give it to someone else. I cant go with him.. Cant spend another night in a hotel with him (twin room!)(he won't drive up, and trains wont be running after gig has ended) and him being inapropriate oh well.. I shall let him know later that I can't be his friend.

Now to try and get the memories out of my bloody head.

[Ms Darcy]

I think letting him know you cannot be friends is the right thing. Then you have to cut contact. It's the best way.

[Liraele]

Enforce your boundaries. You should have confronted him right then and there that he was crossing a line.

 

If you want to cut off the friendship... do it.

[Mari]

I wouldn't end a friendship over this but I'd just drill that same answer into that friend's head as I have before. I'd answer "Well I liked that guy but he was abusive so I wouldn't go with him. You I've never liked so I wouldn't be happy in that relationship and after a while neither would you so I don't think I'd ever go with you either. So is there a third option?"

 

This may seem harsh but you're never going to be with him. He needs to understand that and if he's holding out hope for more than a friendship then it's never going to happen. You should call him up on it right now and talk to him in a nice way.

 

Say "Hey you know that truth or dare question you asked me? Are you clear that this relationship will never be more than a friendship? I desire to date you as much as I desire to date my sister. I like your friendship but this point of conflict is ruining that friendship for me. I don't want to keep getting asked if I'm ever going to change my mind about you. So, how can I help you accept the fact that we will never be in a romantic relationship?"

 

Hopefully after that this won't be as much of an issue. And he keeps bringing it up you keep bringing up your end until he gets it.

[ButterflyWrists]

Mari, he knows I will 100% not be in a relationship with him. But he refuses to give up. I stopped seeing him so often. I should have refused to go out to the club with him on Friday, but I didn't know he would be like this.

 

Lirael, I did bring it up as soon as he said it (well after kicking him...) that what he said was out of order and that even if I was being hurt, I would not chose him, because I cannot see him in that way. He knows this, he was just being a manipulative jerk.

 

Ms Darcy I agree. I have to let him know the friendship is over. I can't be friends with someone who would bring up my abusive past to try and give himself hope. Who the hell even does that?grrrr!

[Liraele]

Well, at this point, do you feel like ending the friendship is the best solution?

 

Or possibly just taking a step back for a while?

 

Maybe that will bring some reason into his mind, without actually terminating a long-standing friendship.

 

Being up front and saying: Hey, you really crossed a line with me the other day and I need some space to think about our friendship; I have been pretty clear that there is no romantic "us" in the future, and never will be. I don't feel like you're respecting that, and your question on xx/xx/xx was extremely hurtful and disrespectful, so I need some space.

 

Might help get it through his head.

[ButterflyWrists]

I've no idea, been having horrible dreams and cant even read the name (with the same spelling as douchebags) without getting horrible flashbacks. I thought I was past this.

 

I haven't actually spoken to him since.. Not sure if I even want to consider it, to tell him that I cant be friends with someone who would make me feel this terrible. It's stressful, trying to get the images out of my head, time and again.. I'm noticing so many people with the same spelling.. Who the spells Jonathan with an 'o'? I can read it with an A and be fine.. it's just the bloody 'o'

[Liraele]

Well, for what it's worth... I think either can be the right solution. What matters is what is the right solution for you, and you are the only one who decides that.

 

Maybe keeping your distance and focusing on really putting the past in the past is a good first step (getting away from the triggers and reminders, and really laying them to rest)... and once you do that you'll have a clearer mind to move forward in whichever manner with your friendship.

 

/hugs

[ButterflyWrists]

Well I told him...

His response was

I understand. I would like you to know that I hate myself for what I said. I was drunk and did not think but that does not excuse it. I understand if you never want to speak to me again but please could you look back in a few months and see if you can forgive me.

It's not a matter of forgiveness, and if I was able to forgive the abusive ex, yes I can forgive him. I just can't be friends. Neither can he, the friendship should have been cut a long time ago. He cant be just friends with me, cause of how he feels about me. And this episode just proved it, trying to give himself hope that I may one day change my mind about how I feel. But I can't, I have never seen him in that way.

I feel bad that he feels so bad about it, but it's really for the best.

Still having bloody nightmares, but they will go soon. I've got too much planned to give them the time of day at the moment. but at night grr!