Taking a break after cheating

[mx136]

I have been reading here for a bit now..thought I get some input into my situation.

 

I caught my partner of year and a half having an emotional affair with his first love who is now overseas. They haven't seen eachother in 25 years since they were teenagers but as they are family friends they were always in touch through facebook. She was having troubles in her marriage and confided in him and that eventually lead into an emotional affair. She didn't know about me and I thought they were only friends. Until i found the emails and messages and realised they seemed to have been in love.

 

Needless to say I was devastated. I was staying with him at the time. I packed my bags to leave and he begged and begged and begged me to stay..I stayed but told him we are over and he needs to sleep in the couch for the time I am staying over. he obeyed.

 

He took full responsibility, said it was the stupidest mistake he has ever made and that it was never real but he had got caught up in it and there is no excuse but he is truly sorry and will do anything if I give him a second chance.

 

I didn't change my position and said I was done. Couple of days later he sent her an email telling her everything and woke me up on new years day showing me that.

 

I started to consider giving him a chance. I cam back to the city I am as we are at the moment 3 hours away from eachother due to work.

 

he continued to call everyday. He came clean to his family on his own and again took full blame and responsibility.

 

He came down to see me and by this time it had been 3 weeks since I had found out about the affair..he was attentive and caring but i saw an unkown overseas number dialed on his phone and lost it. I had no idea these 3 weeks that i was in shock and just extremly sad..I had bottled up SOOO much anger..I left his house and he came following me ..dialed the number and it was his male cousin.

 

Things took a turn from this point. He said he doesn't know whether we can work this all out. He said I could never trust him again and he feels so guilty and ashamed.

 

All of sudden these feelings came back to me and I wanted him back and he said I've never lost him..there is no other woman..he no longer speaks to her but we should go to therapy individually first.

 

He then started therapy and I started therapy.. after a couple of sessions..he came to see me again and spent three days with me..We never slept together..before i even had a chance to consider it he said didnt want sex to cloud my judgement or affect our haling process. That we cant put a lid on things and pretend its all ok and we should work through it.

 

He went back and said if im ready we should just start taking it slow and work together..he even made plans for me to spend the following weekend with him. However a couple of nights before I got to go..I got suspicious again when he told me he will call me back he just needs to call work again and he was on viber. we ended up having a big argument.

 

I felt so stupid after as due to the time zones it definitely couldn't have been her unless she was having a 5 minute phone conversation in the middle of our one hour conversation at 4 am her time.

 

He said he is done trying. After another session of therapy he called and said hes sorry and lets just take a break. that he is not speaking to her or will not be seeing anyone but we still need therapy individually..that through his session he has now demons he needs to work out by himself first and he doesn't want to destroy the last of what we have left.

 

I agree but he started calling me after a couple of days and organised to come see me but we ended up having another argument and it got very heated. I still saw him briefly and he was very kind and caring and kept hugging and kissing me but said he will call me after his therapy the following day.

 

I said I couldn't do an indefinite break.

 

He called after therapy and we had a long talk and he said lets take a 4 weeks break just work on ourselves and then make a decision about whether to continue this relationship or not..that I am still so full of anger and rightfully so and he is feelings so guilty and has anxiety that continuing things right now will only kill any chance we have left. I agreed to the break. he said he likes to still call and talk to me from time to time which i didn't agree to as I don't want to end up being a "friend" until either of us starts dating so I said lets do NC and then make a decision. he said he understands and respects it but i can write/call him any-time.

 

I just don't know whether his therapist would have really recommended a break or if this is his way of breaking up with me and he is just dragging it on.

[catfeeder]

This wouldn't be about him, it would be about me.

 

I wouldn't continue the relationship in any form unless I could decide that I'm done kicking the issue--because unless I'm done with that, the relationship can't work.

 

Either I trust the guy or I don't. That's the only choice I'd need to make.

 

If I can't trust him, then dabbling in pretend trust won't fool either of us, and I'll just drag out the misery.

 

If I decide that his mistake is behind me, and I'm ready to start the relationship with a clean slate, then that would mean I'm able to allow his phone to be his business and his issues are his own to manage.

 

Unless I'm clear that I can go to THAT place, it makes no sense to stay invested in these push-pull games. I'd be done, I'd quit contact and I'd move my focus forward.

[sammi87]

Agree with catfeeder that this should be more about you... Most importantly: you say you are both getting therapy. Instead of wondering what his therapist may or may not have said... How about telling YOUR therapist about this little plan and seeing if your Dr thinks it's healthy for YOU?

 

That's what I would make my decision based on...

[mutiny]

Catfeeder and Sammi are both 100% right. I wish my now ex-fiance was able to be as rational and understanding as your ex is being. Trust me, he is right too. I tried to forgive my fiance after I found him chatting up other women. For a long time, our relationship progressively got worse and worse. As much as I wanted to, I've never been able to truly trust him and I have become a version of myself that I really don't like. I've continued to catch him hiding things and continued to be suspicious of him. I finally had to end it the other day because we were both miserable, and he still desperately insists he wants to make things work but I know it can't happen any time soon. Treat this relationship as over. Don't worry about what might happen between you in the future, and instead focus on healing. Grieve for this relationship and start moving on. You'll feel better about yourself and find out what you really want. He might come back wanting to try again, he might not. Either way, you'll be in a happier and healthier place, whatever happens.

[ParisPaulette]

Personally all I see is a guy who has turned this whole thing into a passive-aggressive power struggle over who gets to walk away first--you or him. And a break is usually either a "I want to break things off, but am not sure if what I'm working on behind your back will go through or not, so I need you to stick around until I decide" OR "I want out of the relationship, but don't have the guts to be the bad guy in all this."

 

I don't believe in taking a break in a relationship, you should be either in with the good and the bad or not at all. And really I think your first instinct, the one where you were going to leave and not give him a chance, was the correct one. Your gut is telling you something is off, but you're getting that clouded because he becomes so insistent on not breaking up whenever you want to. And then as soon as he feels he has you again, he reverses the whole thing on to you. Yes, talk to your therapist about it all, but I think you know deep down what you have to do anyways and this break is just delaying the inevitable. Therapy should be bringing you both closer, not now having him do the whole push me-pull me thing to keep you coming back over and over only to get burned again.

 

And my guess is he'll keep this same thing up until he feels confident enough that he's no longer "the bad guy" in all of this and can just walk away with his head held high saying, "Well, I did the best I could and we went to therapy and she agreed, so it's not my fault." Particularly if he's always been sort of a passive guy or passively aggressive or one of those people who really, really minds what others think about them then this is a very likely scenario. It's much easier for him to say, "I tried you know, I went to therapy, I came clean, but it just didn't work out" than it is for him to say, "She left me, because I was having an emotional affair with another woman."

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but that's how I read this whole scene.

[Iggles]

Personally all I see is a guy who has turned this whole thing into a passive-aggressive power struggle over who gets to walk away first--you or him.

^^ This! And,

I think your first instinct, the one where you were going to leave and not give him a chance, was the correct one. Your gut is telling you something is off, but you're getting that clouded because he becomes so insistent on not breaking up whenever you want to. And then as soon as he feels he has you again, he reverses the whole thing on to you.

 

Excellent points! I agree wholeheartedly.

 

OP, if he was serious about making this work after HE betrayed you, he shouldn't be threatening to break up or asking to take a "break"!

 

You don't trust him. It's HIS fault. He broke your trust, yet uses the threat of breaking up to push you to "hurry up and get over it"!

 

This is the consequence of his actions and he can't handle that, and turns it around on you like you're the one not trying enough..

 

You should leave him for good. He already wrecked what you two had when he "got caught up" with his Ex (Heavy sarcasm. The language of cheaters always absolves them of choice and personal agency..)

[mikem]

I think it's time to call it a day with this guy. It's a cycle of drama, that will probably continue until he's finally out of the picture. He sounds kind of like a 'drama queen'..."I went to counseling...you don't TRUST ME...Let's take a BREAK..." ;(

 

I think you deserve better. He sounds somewhat conflicted, but he doesn't seem to be able to make a firm decision.

[mx136]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

 

I finally left him for good and he showed his true self and became abusive.

 

He had been in touch with the woman he had the affair with the whole time and I even have reason to believe he was seeing another woman during our break too.

 

He ws just going to string me along for as long as he could. Not sure why.

[mx136]

wow

 

Those points are EXACTLY what my therapist and I worked out in therapy and what he proved himself.

 

He basically manipulated me for the past two and half months and tried to continue to string me along until either he decided what he was working on on the side wasnt going to work or until he could walk away saying hes no longer the bad guy.

 

despite me ending everything, he is till going around saying he did everythinggggg right and "I" did "him" wrong by not giving him time because he just needed time? pleaseeeeese

[ParisPaulette]

Glad to hear you cut the cord. Chronic cheaters don't really ever get better do they? There may be exceptions out there, but I haven't found any. I suppose in part, because they have to keep telling themselves lies too to keep doing what they do and if they had to admit they were wrong all their defenses would fall apart. As to why he was doing what he was doing I think they truly become addicted to the idea that they can have more than one person who wants them and then when they don't or they are rejected it hurts their ego twice as badly, because ego stroking is pretty much what the whole thing is about. In some way deep down in that little clinker of a heart of his your ex is a wailing little boy crying for attention. The problem is that only works and that only should work when one is an infant. After that it just becomes stunted emotional growth and it ain't pretty in an adult.

 

You are so much better off without someone so delusional hanging around your neck bringing you down. Stay NC, roll your eyes if anyone ever says you did him wrong, and smirk. You know the truth and that's all that counts in the end isn't it. Now go have a good life without him holding you back.

[Iggles]

He had been in touch with the woman he had the affair with the whole time and I even have reason to believe he was seeing another woman during our break too.

 

He ws just going to string me along for as long as he could. Not sure why.

 

He was basically gas lighting you the whole time!! I don't understand how cheaters and liars can string someone along like that, crying crocodile tears about not being trusted when in reality he is being duplicitous and betraying you!

 

OP, glad to hear you are rid of him.

[mx136]

The funny thing is there is no way they can actually be together! She has a young child that she wont be able to bring to another country with her unless her "ex-husband/husband" allows for it which he never will.. and he will never be able to move there for various reasons.

 

So he basically gave up me...the much younger, never married, got her together and has a professional career woman..for the fantasy of being with a MARRIED woman 11 years my senior..uneducated and unemployed with a child. And to think I thought those tears were real!!

 

I waited around and gave him time for I don't know WHY to have him call me by her name again!

 

Its amazing how much games he played with my head and I was sooooo blind to see it.

 

The healing isnt easy I have to admit. We ended up on VERY nasty terms..solicitors are involved. I had to close all my social media accounts. I was using my cousins computer and he had left his fb open so out of curiosity I stalked his page. I just ended up with anxiety It makes me so mad that im suffering and both him an her get to go on with their life as if nothing has happened.

[ParisPaulette]

So he basically gave up me...the much younger, never married, got her together and has a professional career woman..for the fantasy of being with a MARRIED woman 11 years my senior..uneducated and unemployed with a child. And to think I thought those tears were real!!

 

Because he obviously doesn't think he deserves you and you're too high of a standard for him to maintain in a relationsihp. I've seen that time and time again, heck look at Sandra Bullock. Her ex threw this gorgeous talented rich woman under the bus for a tattooed model who had 15 minutes of fame being the other woman and then poof they were both just gone. Meanwhile Sandra is still talented, beautiful and rich... So you will come out of it just fine, make sure your solicitor has all the evidence and information about his cheating and move forward with your life. Obviously it's easier for him to live in a fantasy than with a real person in the day-to-day of life and that's his issue, not yours.