Boyfriend going away

[Thebittersweet]

My boyfriend is going away for 3 weeks to China with a University group. There will be an 8 hour time gap where our days will be opposite and there wont be much contact, only email. We are used to being in contact every day and seeing each other most days. We have been together for 3 years only for a few months now I have started feeling really distant. I don't know if that is because we have been together for so long? I am afraid that the distance will grow when he goes away. I am dreading him going and have not been able to tell him because I do not want him to decide to stay, it really is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I just can't help feeling a little lonely and left out not to mention scared as to what the extra distance will do to our relationship.

[Batya33]

It might be that being away makes you two realize how much you mean to each other and how much you miss each other. Hang in there and try to see the glass as half-full. Relationships do go through phases. This is such a great opportunity for him.

[Thebittersweet]

I totally get what you mean, I know the second I voice my true opinion he will refuse to go and knowing that I killed that opportunity for him would make me feel so much worse. I honestly don't know if the distance is to do with us being together so long but the distance is coming from me? I know I am not making the effort to be as close but in some ways I feel I need my space? My mind is so confused. I don't know if its normal to distance yourself, he has never done this.

[Batya33]

I think you might be doing that as a way to prepare yourself for the geographic distance.

[Kendahke]

What kind of interests do you have or have you developed any outside of your relationship since you've been dating him? Seems to me that you sound like you set your self adrift when you got with him; made him the center of your universe and now that he's going to be away, you're lost and don't have any sense of direction outside of following him or living through him.

 

You need to spend this time finding your self and getting reacquainted with her. He's only going for 3 weeks, not 3 years yet you're making it sound like it's the end of your relationship. You can't figure out something to do with your time for 3 weeks?

 

I get separation anxiety, but with most people that is assuaged by them engaging in their own lives again--the life they had before they made someone else the center of it.

[itsallgrand]

It's only three weeks. And there is still email. Am I missing something here?

 

Maybe part of the problem is that you see each other every single day. Claustrophobia, boredom...causing you to feel distance. Because...everyone likes a break now and again to simply do their own thing, no?

 

Maybe it's just me and my personality type, but that would drive me nuts. Years and years of never having a day or two, or a week, where it's so constant in each others faces all the time.

 

It'll give you a chance to miss each other, and to simply do something different. A break up in the routine. Seems good to me!

[offplanet]

Definitely don't give him any inkling of your doubts about him going to China. It would be terrible for him to miss that opportunity. Three weeks is nothing, actually. If you're worried about yourself feeling distant from him you need to face that and face whatever it means. Hopefully the 3 weeks apart will give you some clarity. Instead of feeling lonely and left out while he's gone, use the opportunity to do some new things which you normally wouldn't get to do. Make it fun.

[CeeLambrini]

I can't completely emphasise because I haven't seen my boyfriend in 6 weeks (and still another 3 weeks to go) but I can tell you that the distance is difficult, but it really does make you appreciate the other person more. I think it will be harder for you because unlike you, I do have skype - only a 4 hour time difference and constant access to mobile internet. However, I would trade it all for a mere 3 weeks with email only.

This distance will also help you figure out what it is you both want. If you feel there has been some pulling away then I would suggest that it is because of the amount of access you have to each other. Taking each other for granted a little bit is only human, and now for 3 weeks you will be driven apart, with minimal communication. This is a make or break situation if you ask me, but whatever happens can only be good. If worse comes to worst then it will stop you being in a relationship that can't even manage 3 weeks without each other. However, the more likely situation I see is that it will only strengthen you for when you are together again. If all you're left with for 3 weeks is happy memories for the other person, then you're already on the right track.

[Thebittersweet]

Thanks for the help, in a way I do feel that its a make or break, the time apart will help make up our minds whether this is a relationship worth continuing or not. On a side note, how would I help overcome myself being so distant, I seem to feel distand even when we do talk?

[Kendahke]

Thanks for the help, in a way I do feel that its a make or break, the time apart will help make up our minds whether this is a relationship worth continuing or not. On a side note, how would I help overcome myself being so distant, I seem to feel distand even when we do talk?

 

stop using distance as a shield. You are conjuring up an imagined injury and taking preventive measures to circumvent it when there is nothing warrenting that action.