Am I wrong?

[lima720]

I moved in 7 months ago with my bf of two years. His childhood friend lives here too. His bestie rents the bedroom. Now we're all here and it's weird. Cause my bf keeps mentioning about us getting our own place but this is "his" place. I don't understand why we are the ones that should be leaving. I love the neighborhood, I love the building and how well it's maintained. Chances of finding this are rare in my area. His bestie is never even home he only comes over on the weekends with his son for weekend visitations. He spends the weekdays at his girlfriend's house of 10 years (infidelity was his marital issue). The lease was signed by my bf and even though his friend was never on the lease, it's not really a legal issues as it is more a moral issue. I would hate to see him leave becuz I don't really know if he has a stable situation to fall back on. I'm aware he has high child support deduction from his check. But on the flip side my bf talks marriage and honestly I do see myself down the line with him but not with his friend playing house along with us. What to do... am I thinking rationally and fair? Or am I being selfish and should just count my blessings and try to look past the imperfections in my life.

[katmarie]

First question is whether you plan to buy a house anytime soon. If you plan to buy in the near future, and this current place is just a rental, then it doesn't seem to matter much; whether you stay or go, it will be a temporary short term thing.

 

Second, if he really is best friends with the other guy, he should be able to have this conversation with him and ask him kindly to start looking for new places. He can still be a nice guy and give him ample time to find a new place, flexible move out date, etc., maybe even give him free rent for the next 2-3 months so he can use that money for a security deposit (if your bf feels bad about kicking his friend out).

 

It sounds like you and your bf are both on the same page with wanting a place for the two of you; the only difference is whether it's the current place or a new place. I sense the reason he wants a new place vs the current place is that he doesn't want a confrontation and doesn't want to hurt his friend's feelings or situation. I think there are ways to have the conversation without it being a confrontational "I'm kicking you out" conversation. Frame it more as "gf and I are getting more serious and would really like some space of our own. Since my name is already the primary on the lease here, we would like to stay here, but are willing to help you search for something else and be flexible on move outs." I am sure your bf's friend kinda knows this is coming since you moved in and what not.

 

I get where you are coming from and don't think it's irrational at all. Just remember to be patient about it - you don't want him to resent you for demanding he kick his buddy out. Just work with him to find the right way to have the conversation and show him that you agree with his objectives of not hurting his friend's feelings or burdening his friend's situation.

[1Love1]

Do you help with rent? How long have your boyfriend and his best friend been living together before you moved in? Depending on the answer to those questions, I really don't think it would be fair to expect him to be the one to leave; especially if he is rarely ever home like you said.

If you were engaged however, I think that would be a different story. I highly doubt he'd tag along after you're married. That's a completely different situation than a girlfriend and boyfriend co-habitating. Until the relationship actually does become more serious (2 years together is still more in the honeymoon stage than truly knowing the ins-and-outs to who they are), there's no harm in him being there

[ThatwasThen]

After you told your boyfriend all this, what was his excuse for not wanting what you want?

[Snny]

Cause my bf keeps mentioning about us getting our own place but this is "his" place. I don't understand why we are the ones that should be leaving.

Well... Since you two are just dating and not even married, and his roommate was there before you, you don't have a place to complain about it. You knew this arrangement before moving in, correct?

 

Look from the roommates point of view: he is sacrificing his living space for an extra roommate (you). The new roommate complains about the living environment and suddenly wants things to change without you agreeing to it. She is constantly there everyday while you just need a place for only the weekends. If you were the bf's roommate, would you be upset with the new roommate?

 

The lease was signed by my bf and even though his friend was never on the lease, it's not really a legal issues as it is more a moral issue.

It's both. Your boyfriend does not own the property. He is renting it from somebody else. A lease is a legal contract between your boyfriend and the landowner on:

1. How long he stays on the property.

2. The rules of maintaining and living on the property.

3. Other people living on the property.

 

If any legal incidents were to happen on the property, the landowner can be held responsible. Leases also state the rule of duration for visitors to stay on the property within a year (normally, it's 2 weeks). In many places, if your boyfriend does not notify the landlord about additional residents moving in, he can be legally evicted off the property. Your name, your boyfriends roommate, and the roommates child have to be listed in that lease for you all to legally live there.

 

But on the flip side my bf talks marriage and honestly I do see myself down the line with him but not with his friend playing house along with us.

You do not have a ground to stand on with this issue. You moved in acknowledging and agreeing to live with his roommate. If a roommate was bringing a kid over to live with my boyfriend and I, I personally wouldn't agree with the arrangement because of privacy concerns. You legally cannot demand the roommate to leave or make your boyfriend force him out. You will come off selfish. And if he's talking about marriage, it is up to him to wait for the lease to finish and move out OR pay the penalty and back out of the lease. You have no say in this and are basically playing house with your boyfriend. If you cannot deal with this living arrangement issue, then you will need to move out until you and your boyfriend can get your own place without a roommate.

 

I have lived with my fiancé and my two roommates before and realize how roommates can drive a major wedge into your relationship. I do not recommend people who are seriously dating to have roommates because many disagreements (mainly over privacy) will surface and your living environment will turn hostile. In my case, I ended up being the one who moved out and live with my grandmother for a few months because my roommates became incredibly hostile- not just with me, but they were the neighborhood A-Holes to everyone else who lived near them.

[mhowe]

If you are not paying rent nor on the lease...you might think about stepping up morally and legally.

[Kendahke]

I agree with Snny...

 

You have no legal standing to be demanding anyone leave. What have you signed in order to legally be there and how much are you paying to stay there? And I'm not talking about how much grocery you bring into the place--I'm talking about your legal standing to even be there and you splitting the cost by 1/3rd.

 

And the fact remains, his roommate was there long before you were. Even if he's not there but on the weekends, he was there and is renting the room before you showed up. If anyone needs to move out, it would be you. In fact, you being there can cause him to have problems because you and your boyfriend aren't married and his child is around this.

 

You should be about the business of finding your own place so your boyfriend can come over to where you live. That is the sensible solution.

[catfeeder]

If I valued a good future with my BF, my first goal would be to maintain harmony and not start problems where none existed before me.

 

I'd pay one third of the rent, mind my own business regarding any agreements between BF and his friend, and if BF suggests that we move out, I'd explore new options with him to learn what he has in mind.

 

If this goes well, you might be thrilled with the change. If it goes lousy, you'll have ground to stand on when you negotiate keeping your current place with BF.

 

Give BF credit for having both your best interests at heart and remember you entered his household. Demo the patience and maturity to allow things to play out instead of reacting to future-stuff you create in your own mind.

 

EnjOy.

[mhowe]

Am guessing, OP, that you are not paying rent nor on lease.

So I agree with Kendakee.