Why is there so much confusion in this break up? Depression involved

[Aerolicious]

Hi everyone.

 

I know that I've posted on here a few times ~ if you've heard my story you probably scratched your head and was like? well? who knows move on...

 

Long story short of it, 8 year relationship w/ her admitting to cheating 4 years ago and waited to tell me after I became engaged with her. Things went sour for me career wise and i stepped back into a serving role (as a waiter) and she started to become depressed at the end about finances and started nit picking every little thing I had wrong w/ me and decided she no longer wanted to marry me and needed "space" according to her therapist(she had a record of depression/cutting/suicidal thoughts on record and claims they came back up). I didn't handle it well as she was asking to take 6 months away and then come back to the relationship... It scared me to know she'd be gone that long and / or we'd lose our apartment and split for a long time with no contact.

 

Fast forward to 1 month and 2 weeks later - I didn't handle things well obviously and begged her back for first 2 weeks. It drove her away crazy fast and she claimed she no longer wanted me.. its just how she felt at the time and that there would never be a future again. Ok I get that, I took it for what it is and decided it was best to move on. In the past month alone I've lost 28 lbs, had a few interviews for new jobs that are still in the works - and have fixed a lot of my nasty habbits around the house. I've spoken w/ her a few times over the phone as I still have her bed that she left here for whatever reason (i was going to just go buy my own.. but whatever) the conversations shifted dramatically as I stopped begging for her and just talked briefly about bills. She asked for me to get "coffee" with her sometime in march before she comes to get the bed - I told her thats fine long as I get no contact till then and can just take time to heal (i imagine even just meeting for coffee will be hard if I don't get over this fully.. not that a month will heal 8 years of me caring for her but whatever). She seemed to get really upset / mad and wants to contact sooner if possible (my bday is before then.. imagine its that) .. and I just told her I need to heal now and she wanted 6 months to begin with.. that she told me there's no future so why does it matter? She seemingly got confused/stuttered and said "there could still be a future !"

 

I just feel like she's stringing me along for a backup plan/krutch. But its hard to know.. I've never been in an 8 year relationship or any other relationship that wasn't as serious as this.. She was my fiancee and I loved her completely.. and I know she did/still does back. I would absolutely love to just move on and forget about her - but its seemingly impossible atm. One of my friends who is a girl actually started talking about depression and how it makes you act out of impulse and within weeks/couple months can make you realize how stupid you were being and come running back... but i'm not entirely sure about that as well. Another friend who talks to a girl who is close as can be to her best friend... simply says she seems to have no regrets in breaking up atm.. or atleast pretends she doesn't. Yet her nor her sister could tell what she really wanted as she keeps going back and forth a lot. I just have no clue as I currently have a new spark starting to happen for someone who would be an idea girl to me, but until I bury the feelings for my ex and move on completely - I don't want a relationship and I don't want to use this girl. I"m just confused and stressed and was doing so good

 

Any advice in any form would help. Whether about handing depression . long term break ups. getting back together. or even just secret ways of completely letting go. As I am probably at that stage of break up where I randomely can feel absolutely any random emotion and there's no reason why. I hate it with a passion too, cause I'm usually strong willed and focused.. but I haven't been near as much lately. Thanks again!

[loveology]

Good for you on standing your ground with NC. It is quite possible that, like many dumpers, your ex doesn't quite know what she wants. I think we often realize that we are unhappy with somebody but are too afraid to let them go completely.I wouldn't take her wanting to get coffee with you as a sign that she wants to get back together with you at this point.

 

My advice to you would be that you don't have to let go quite yet. It's okay to grieve for a while - in fact, I think it's quite important. I think many of us live under the false assumption that we need to move on as quickly as possible and that it is somehow wrong to take time to grieve the loss of a relationship. I think though that grieving is 100% necessary to true healing.

 

There is no secret way to let go - only time and patience and a good attitude. Hold off on seeing anybody new for a while and give yourself some room to move on. Maintain NC (I would recommend against even just a coffee together). Surround yourself with friends and family and keep active (but don't be afraid of some alone time either). You will get there.

[KarenC]

She sounds as if she wants her cake and to eat it too and her friends possibly aren't fibbing about her saying that she seems to have no regrets in breaking up.

 

Don't just allow her to push you around and don't jump into another relationship; considering that you have intentions on one day getting back with her because you can lose great friends that way.

 

Be happy because she's doing what makes her happy so you do the same.

[DancingFool]

I think that when someone leaves you, but then tries to linger in your life, it becomes your turn to dump them. As in you have to say that enough is enough, you are done, you are moving on and you don't want them loitering in your life anymore. Once you make that decision, it's rather liberating and it's what brings peace of mind to you. It doesn't mean that you won't think about them from time to time or feel sad, but it's a different kind of sad. It's more about a passing feeling for something gone that let's you shrug and move forward instead of being stuck in the past still hoping for something.

[mhowe]

Her words were very clear.

Make her stand by them.

You do not need to help her get over you!

[boxy tee]

Eight years is a long time. Ties would be hard to cut at this juncture. It's no surprise that you'd be very affected by it.

 

 

 

Going to play devil's advocate for a sec here, but the one thing I picked up on your phone convo (the one about the bed) is that both of you seem to be hurting each other by saying to the other, “I need time to heal"/ "I need six months" thing. Basically, to the other party that will come off as, “I need time to heal FROM YOU”/"I need six months away FROM YOU." Hearing that will immediately put the other person in defensive mode. They may be thinking, "Just a minute here! I'm hurting here, too!" It doesn't seem to be deliberate on your part, but she might read it as such. I know she's the one who cheated, but you had a choice to keep her or walk away from the relationship, in which you, at one point, chose to stay. That means you forgave her, and it shouldn't be brought up with resentment.

 

 

 

As for the the depressing/cutting episode, it seems like she has a lot of extra baggage to carry around. I'm no professional, but from my own personal experience, the nitpicking over every little thing could very well be an extension of her own insecurities and negative feelings toward herself, and not you. You just happen to be close and conveniently there. So until she is able to get back on her own feet and help herself change for the better, with a more positive outlook on things, then I would wait it out. That is, if you want to wait for that change to come about. There's no right or wrong answer here. The choice is yours.

 

 

 

But just remember that these things take time. It could be months or years. Are you prepared to wait that long?

 

 

 

Also, I honestly think you should take some time to take care of your mental health as well. Try not to worry too much over here, and do some things to help take your mind off of it. If you aren't planning to wait around for the ex, then I'm still not sure if that would be fair to the new girl to date her when you've got all this stuff going on...

[Aerolicious]

thank you for all the replies. I love seeing things in ways I can't because of emotional distress. I'll probably for sure hold off on dating for now and give some more time on thinking things through... but for most part am just getting ready for a new life change. I'm more confused than I should be with this whole thing simply cause of what I hear from friends say and what I hear in her voice.. she seems superbly confused herself but who knows ~ when you say things usually there's some truth to them so I'll just give time for both to heal and hope for the best either way. thanks again!

[No1]

I perhaps am so very wrong so sorry if I am, but to me it seems like both of you are scared to do anything. Just think after 8 years of clinging to the same tree you have to go out and explore this jungle and its scary. You dont want to be with her and I think you know that she is not the one for you but you are using eachother because thats all you know.

She needs time away from the same tree as you do. But you need to completely leave and explore whats out there. For 8years you have been this girls boyfriend and been a couple and thru thick and thin you have been together. Now not knowing who you are without her is worrysome.

This is a perfect chance for you to discover who you are so you better get comfortable being uncomfortable because you are in for a great journey into the unknown.

The relationship tree that you are on and find so hard to leave is pretty much dead. So before it falls and takes you with her, cut all the vines and branches that attach you to it and go discover. You dont need her. She wants space she can have all the space she wants. Realistically you two will not stop communicating but know that each and every time you do talk, it will only end up with you hurting...so think about that next time you want to call her or you answer her phone calls.

This is your time..