I tried to contact and couldn't

[Ani87]

Its been 11 days NC. I gave my ex a family heirloom a ring when we were together. He hasn't emailed be in a few days... I wanted to email him and tell him:

 

I am not interested in knowing about your dates or about your life in general and plan on taking time to heal in which I will not welcome hearing from you. I've included my address below and ask that you return my grandmother's ring as its important to me and to be kept in my family.

 

My heart was beating and I couldn't hit the send button... I just want my ring back so I can cut all ties. That I have nothing left to get back. My ex is an unpredictable man and I wouldn't feel comfortable having my friends get it back for me. He may yell at them or shut the door etc. I considered posting him an envelope. Is an envelope a better idea?

 

This way it won't give him any way to really reply.

[catfeeder]

I would send a registered/certified letter stating no other issues or emotional discussion beyond a request for the ring--because my copy is my legal document of my request. I'd state that enclosed with this letter is a postage-paid envelope for return of the ring, and I'd request that it be returned within one week before I file a small claim in local court.

 

If the ring is not returned, I'd file the claim. Period.

 

Leave all other stuff out of this.

[Ani87]

Thank you

 

I ended up sending a brief email to check he is still at his address and that id be sending an envelope. He replied within 15 minutes asking what is in the envelope.

 

Im not replying simply sending it. I won't do anything legal at this stage but will put a tracking number on everything.

 

Im returning an item of his. He gave it to me when I was battling cancer. And I gave him the ring... its hard returning something that I know he will be hurt when he sees it. But we are exs he doesn't care about me anymore. His emails to me have just been breadcrumbs. .. even though I know all this, its so hard to cope with removing myself from his life.

 

I thought we'd always be friends and together. After the cancer after everything I opened myself up and he has just crushed me.

 

Sometimes I wish I did die. He always says how I didn't die from cancer, like i should of. I thought I was going to die at one point but I had a turn around for the better. Didn't know how to tell him. Then he was angry because he thought I lied. He always says how I lied about cancer but I never did. I hid the truth about being okay I didn't know how to tell him after he had told everyone I was dying. He was so mad at me.. Mad at me for being alive. .. I dont know.

 

Sorry for the vent... Its all too hard

[maccerz]

He was angry that u didnt die? Bizarre.. Well not that it means anything ha but I'm delighted to hear you fought through it and came out the other end, well done!!! I know right now you feel like you dont wanna live because you're in so much pain, but that pain will subside and there'll be a day when you look back on these feelings and think 'jesus i cant believe i let him make me feel that way!' you sound like a tough cookie, if you can get through a serious illness like cancer then you can definitely get through this!! try and stay positive, I promise you things will get better! xx

[Ani87]

Thank You Maccerz...

 

He was mad because we met while he was still going through a BU with his ex GF, I developed cancer and he blamed me for losing contact with his ex because I needed him more and made him be with me because I was scared to be alone with my illness. I needed someone and he was there. When I was not terminal instead of it being good news to him... he acted like I had betrayed him. That I made him lose her... I don't know when I look back now I see how crazy it all was, and I didn't see it.

 

He has emailed me this now. I don't know what to say or do. He obviously knows I am going to send back his item so he is saying this:

 

Please do not mail me anything that I would want you to keep...

I had a dream about you this morning.

I also wanted to talk to you about the taro cards.

I also envision being friends with you.

I want you to be happy. I want you to do all the things you said you would.

I want to give you the things you need to get better. I will help you and support you in the best way I can.

I think about contacting you everyday, though I think better if it and decide perhaps it's better if I do not. As you need to focus on your life.

I want you to focus on getting better not me.

I want you to know that you have been my soulmate and you have shown me things that I did not think existed. You have shown me the world. Brought me happiness and the most intense and closest relationship I have ever been in. You have brought me hurt I've not felt for a long time.

 

You are special to me, you will forever be in my heart.

 

I am hoping for the moment we can finally enter each others lives again. As best friends as two people who connect.

 

You are amazing, beautiful, strong, determined, fearless and most of all you are from heaven.

 

You are going to do so much good for so many soon. I whole heartedly believe in you.

 

Your biggest supporter

 

X

 

 

Do I just email back a brief note to tell him he must send back the ring? All these declarations mean nothing when I know he is not trying to get back together. He has been seeing and sleeping with other women and i'm tired of being told "how wonderful" I am when if I was so AMAZING why isnt he working on being with me. Its all BS

[savignon]

Do not respond. Send your certified letter/envelope and be done with it. Once you have the ring back you can block his emails/number/etc.

[catfeeder]

Do not respond. Send your certified letter/envelope and be done with it. Once you have the ring back you can block his emails/number/etc.

 

I agree, except you can omit the threat of a small claim and add something to reference his message in the letter like, "Thank you for your kind email message. Enclosed is (whatever you send of his) and a postage paid envelope for the return of my ring. I'd appreciate it back as soon as possible.

 

My best,

Your name"

 

This still serves as documentation of your request, so if he doesn't send the ring after a week, you can resend a copy of the letter with the words 'SECOND REQUEST' accross the top.

 

If no response to that, file the small claim.

 

As you've said above, all the platitudes are worthless to you, so there's no point in further discussion beyond requesting the ring.

[savignon]

You said you won't respond because he makes no mention of getting back together. Would you get back together with someone who was disappointed you didn't *die*??? If you would even consider it, please start getting some therapy. The ring should be a secondary concern if that's the case.

[Ani87]

Ok I will send the envelope and not reply.

 

Savignon, no I wouldn't. I just wanted him to live up to all his ideals and all his words and for once stand by them. He makes fanciful speeches and I thought it was all true. I simply feel betrayed and alone by what he has done. If he sent me an email saying lets get back together I wouldn't. But id like to know he would send one... if that even makes sense. Instead of these emails that say how fantastic and amazing I am over a d over yet he cannot say anything that is realistic or matters. Its all just fluff and for once I would of liked a concrete email instead of all his nonsense.

[savignon]

I understand. I felt a similar way after a semi-recent break up. I wanted all the groveling and apologizing even though I didn't want him or even like who he was. Why??? To repair my damaged ego and make myself heal faster. Unfortunately there's no short cut. A man who was disappointed you *lived* is not the 'heart felt apology' kind of guy. We have to accept that we were part of the problem by accepting that kind of behavior and low quality person in the first place and then expecting them to be something they're not.

I hear you. I've been there.

*hugs*

[Ani87]

I am in so much pain right now. Did your ex ever play mind games Savignon? Was I too cold in my message to him I don't know..

 

I sent him a brief concise email as he did not want me to send back anything of his.

 

Hi,

 

I will send back what is yours.

 

I have moved. I will include my return address on an envelope

 

He the replied:

 

Can you please explain to me what is going on? Why have you moved? Why is your number disconnected. I feel stressed and worried.

 

 

Please you owe it to me as someone who had invested a lot of emotional energy into you to let me know what I going on.

 

I do not want anything that I have given you back without a valid reason.

 

Please communicate with me. I feel highly stressed.

 

 

I got angry because he "invested" emotional energy into me like I owe it to him. Like I am something to be controlled.

 

I then sent:

Hi,

 

My life and what I do with myself should not concern you anymore. I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. I will not send anything except an envelope for my ring to my new address.

 

Please just concentrate on your own life and I will do the same.

 

Wishing you all the best.

 

He then replied...

 

I wish you would give me some answers. What is going on with your life?

 

Why have you decided this is the best path?

 

I would like to keep your ring safe with me as a reminder of our relationship. Without it I feel we may lose touch. I understand if you want to concentrate on your own life and finding happiness. I want you to know that I am a friend and always will be if you are getting help.

 

You have lost me because of your behaviour, your lies and your manipulation. These actions will never allow you to be close to me or anyone and you will constantly feel alone.

 

People have said they have noticed that I am hurt. My friends 15 year old sister asked if I had been badly hurt recently. You have caused damage to me that is not entirely noticeable to me but is clear as day to others.

 

I hope one day you can return and apologise and tell me how hard your journey has been to get better bit you've finally reached a point of happiness. Possibly a point of forgiveness.

 

I don't know if you are trying to be strong by being emotionless and cold in your emails. It hurts. But I think I understand.

 

The taro cards have proved right, I think. My life seems really bright this year. I wish I could tell you as a best friend. What we had was intense. Perhaps too intense. The pain.

 

If you could just let me know if there is hope we will meet again?

 

I'm also curious why you've moved? And if you are with anyone?

 

I'll let you decide what is best to tell me.

 

Please face fears. There is sunshine, love and brightness waiting for you at the end of your dark tunnel. I promise.

 

I don't want to meet him again. He thinks I need to change. NO WHERE does he ever say he needs to change of work on himself. NEVER. its ALWAYS my fault!! Apart of me did and does love him terribly. So I simply replied keeping the point clear:

 

I am a good person.

 

No we will never meet again.

 

All the best.

 

He then sent this. Why would he send this??? Does he truly hate me SO much? Why? Please help im sorry I just cannot stop thinking about him and having dreams, being so cold and distant in emails is tearing me apart

 

Sorry, no you're not.

 

I understand now you do this with every man you meet you lie and manipulate until he falls in love and you crush him and destroy him so he cannot move on and he is left wanting you and wanting to be with you.

 

You are evil.

 

 

You are not a good human.

 

I need you to stay away from me. Do not ever contact me again.

 

Do not ever pop up or be anywhere I might see you or be reminded of you.

 

I want you gone. Gone from my life and gone from my memories.

 

Send my item back

 

Destroy everuthing I've made for you it was all under false pretenses.

 

Evil demon leave me alone!

 

His emails before were so... left open. Then he cuts me and hurts me. He knows these things hurt me. I am not evil... I am not. Before he was saying I was from heaven. He knows how to hurt my heart. He knew this. I just hurt so badly. I won't reply, ive sent my envelope already with tracking. Did I do something wrong?

 

A bit of background on me and why he thinks I manipulate: I was raped when I was 15 by 4 men and I have always had a fear of intimacy and being close. I opened up to him. I did things wrong by him and I lied and tested him. I didnt trust him. After he cheated on me it was then that I gave up trusting as much but still loving him. My mind told me to stay away as I gave my entire body and soul to this man and he thinks I am evil. He wants me to change for him and come grovelling back to him. My pain never mattered. My pain never matters to him. He says all these things and held me when I broke down telling him about everything. I opened up the first time in 11 years to a man and he just throws it all back in my face. I feel horrible. I feel so much pain and I don't know how to make it stop.

[Lucha]

Okay Ani, you will probably not want to hear this but I think you might benefit (maybe even need) counseling.. I'm so sorry for what happened to you in your past, it is awful. About your ex: he seems very hurt and ego bruised and just angry at you for that. It will pass. He cheated on you though.. There is never an excuse for that. You just dont do that. So eventually you be better off without him. However, I think you need to adress some things of your past because that could lead you into abusive relationships over and over again.. About the ring: it is really selfish of your ex to not give it back. If it is of great value to you then you could maybe file charges against him.. Although I wouldnt recommend it because then he'll snap out even more

[catfeeder]

Your ex sounds like a manipulative lunatic who knows how to press your buttons.

 

Skip that.

 

Cut him off, file a small claim for the ring, and yes, counseling can help you deal with this.

 

This guy's words sounded like an over-dramatic load of bunk to me, but the fact that you're affected by them means you're still buying into his nonsense.

 

He sounds a bit sick to me, and I'd skip the envelope with your return address. He said he won't send the ring, so just file a small claim and let him get over himself.

 

His sense of entitlement in nauseating.

[Ani87]

Thank you both. Yes I am getting counselling and it is going well... it will take some time.

 

After the email exchange today I have come to some conclusions.

 

1) He never actually was contacting me for concern or genuine care. It was to justify his own ego and self entitlement to portray me as the "crazy woman needing help" to take attention away from his issues.

2) I should of stayed No contact. Period.

 

The final emails today I lost my temper a little.

 

I finally just caved and told him:

 

Its incredibly hard.

 

I have been following this: link removed

 

It helps.

 

I hope its helps you.

 

I sent my envelope... You are moving on. I have no choice but to do the same.

 

Read the guide, its helped me come to terms with everything.

 

I don't know what to do or if I am doing whats right. I want to open up to you. Maybe you don't care anymore.

 

It hurts.

 

He then has the audacity to now cut me off on his terms. He even tells me I shouldnt of contacted him? He contacted ME!

 

You are doing the right thing.

 

 

Focus on yourself. Learn to love yourself. Love who you are. Love what you do. Start helping people. I hope you see the light.

 

I think it is best you focus on Working with your therapist. You can do this on your own. You have the strength.

 

Ask for guidance if you are lost.

 

I believe in you.

 

Things became incredibly harder when you contacted me. Especially when you were so cold.

 

Best of luck You will make it.

 

He was contacting and emailing me for days begging for a reply. Telling me we can be friends. Then the one moment he had me vunerable and willing to send an email that wasnt cold and had some depth of emotion, he send the above BS and just closes the door in my face. What a f*cking ahole!

 

I tried to remain calm and sent this:

 

Actually YOU were the one who kept contacting me? Asking to be friends and enter my life again? Or was that email simply a way to make yourself feel better for the way you ended things by kissing that woman?

 

I have to say you doing that was the best thing for me. Im single free and happy. Thank you. It also made me see that I deserve better. And so do you.

 

Best of luck

 

Ill send your item shortly since that was your wish.

 

Dont contact me in the future as you said it only makes it harder on yourself.

 

Take care and focus on yourself

 

I don't want him back or to be friends. I am mad because he pushed my buttons got me to finally open up a little and then BAM. He just wanted to cut my heart even deeper because he knew how to get to me. He makes every single email seem like he is this saviour and I need all this help... like I am lower than him. He is conceited and his ego is out of control. I am glad he has finally gone away. It still hurts. He wanted me to hurt and well done congratulations to him! Fist he calls me evil then is nice as pie waiting to cut me off on his terms because he couldnt handle the no contact after he kissed someone else.

 

God I HATE HIM.

[sharky988]

Your ex sounds like a manipulative lunatic who knows how to press your buttons.

 

Skip that.

 

Cut him off, file a small claim for the ring, and yes, counseling can help you deal with this.

 

This guy's words sounded like an over-dramatic load of bunk to me, but the fact that you're affected by them means you're still buying into his nonsense.

 

He sounds a bit sick to me, and I'd skip the envelope with your return address. He said he won't send the ring, so just file a small claim and let him get over himself.

 

His sense of entitlement in nauseating.

 

Could agree with this more! What an arrogant nauseating button-pushing Drama Queen!!!

 

I agree it's time to stop humoring him with contact. Now is the time to block him on everything -- email, phone, online sites, the works.

 

I wouldn't contact him again unless you don't receive the ring. I would also have him deliver it to a friend or relative -- don't give him your new address or anymore information about you or your life, post-breakup. He sounds like the type to use everything you tell him against you.

[Ani87]

Im not doing well today at all. I keep thinking about him and even though it ended badly I wonder if he even gives a damn. It feels awful missing him and realizing he will never see his own faults and what hes done. I keep imagining him with other women and I know he has slept with lots in our break up time because that’s just the type of person he is. He uses sex as a way to make himself feel better. It sickens me. I gave so much of myself to this man and in the end he couldn’t care less about me.

 

Still no sign of my ring. Checked the tracking number and he hasn’t posted it.

 

I give up. I just give up. Everything seems less without him. I have tried hating him and I don’t even want to contact him because I will be getting the egotistical guy who only cares about himself and he would love if I told him I missed him. How that would inflate his ego. Ive passed the point of contacting.. . I just wish this would end.

 

I was going to post back his item tomorrow. I was holding onto it because then I have something of value of his whereas if I post it then he has his item back plus my ring and I have nothing. Maybe I should just post it? I don't know.

 

Its so frustrating.

 

He has this fantasy in his head where in a few years time we come together all happy and I apologize and he is all mr perfect. Then he hands me my ring. Without that ring his little fantasy won’t come true in his head. It wouldn’t come true anyway, I don’t want to see him for the remainder of my life.