a few questions about no contact

[laguitarra]

hello everyone! i read the post on this forum almost everyday and have found them to be very helpful, so thank you to everyone who takes the time to post and reply! i have recently broken up with a guy that i dated for around a year and a half, we had a fairly rocky relationship due to outside circumstances and mistakes on both of our parts(mostly his). i feel like my only option for making this relationship work is to walk away from him and enforce no contact. my questions are:

 

1) how long should no contact last?

2) if he calls or text should i respond?

3)if he does not call or text with in a certain amount of time should i contact him? if yes, what should i say?

4) if he contacts me after awhile, i know he will want to start a friendship, but how do i react to this?

 

i want him to know that the option of getting back together is there but that things have to be different? if we end up as only friends i can deal with that also, at this point that might be all i want. sorry i know this may be confusing but i am very confused right now. For a little background info, we broke up once before. I did no contact for about 3 months, we spoke briefly about 4 or 5 times during this period. During the 3 months I did not contact him but I did not take time to heal myself, I obsessed over him and drank constantly to numb myself. So one night we ended up talking on the phone for over an hour, I went to see him that night, we slept together and we immediately jumped back into our relationship, together all the time,etc. We were happy for a short time until all the old problems resurfaced and they had never been addressed. Basically we did no contact straight to the old relationship. He did try to change some things that bothered me. When we got back together, I was just so happy to be with him again, i was afraid to bring up things for fear of rocking the boat. However this back fired b/c when we had small arguments or he did something that slightly upset me I would blow it out of proportion and go crazy on him b/c I had all of this pent up anger and frustration. I just need to know how to do it right this time if it can be done at all. What confuses me is, I read the post about how to get your ex back (wonderful post) and he said that contact with your ex has to be pleasant and enjoyable, i think he is 100% right about that. why would someone want you back when your angry and bitter. He also says not to bring up the relationship or the past. It would seem that you go from pleasant time together to back into a relationship, how do you do this without solving the problems? Sorry for the long post. Any advice is very much appreciated and thank you to everyone who post, just reading all the post has helped me tremendously.

 

on another note, does anyone else going through a break up have a roller coaster of emotions? one minute, i feel like who needs that jerk, an hour later i'm crying thinking i can't live without him? it's enough to make me crazy. I wish there was a way to make the feeling of "who needs the jerk stick"! thanks again!

[Heretic]

First I'll answer your last question.

 

Yes that is normal, everyone both hates and loves their ex after the breakup. Don't feel bad about it, it doesn't mean anything it's just your emotions getting the best of you and you brain trying to piece everything together. Right now you're still not 100% sure what the best thing to do is. That's all that means.

 

Now as for no contact:

 

1) There is no set time. It should be about a week for every month and a month for every year (if over 2 years). Again that's a general rule, and it doesn't always work out to be that amount. For your relationship I suggest a month to 2 months.

2) If you want but that's really breaking the NC rules. If you do keep it short.

3) It's really up to you. The first thing you should say though is "Hi it's (your name) how are you doing?" Because that's what you're mainly interested in. Avoid talking about your old relationship.

4) Starting a friendship is a great idea. It can be tough and is really the biggest challenge of any relationship. You need to see him as just a friend though that's really important.

 

You have to think for yourself as to how all these rules apply to your situation, but you HAVE to think, clearly. More likely then not you'll want to end it prematurely. Try to avoid doing that at all costs. Aim for a week or two more then you think it should be.

 

I hope this helps.

[MrLonely]

on another note, does anyone else going through a break up have a roller coaster of emotions? one minute, i feel like who needs that jerk, an hour later i'm crying thinking i can't live without him? it's enough to make me crazy. I wish there was a way to make the feeling of "who needs the jerk stick"! thanks again!

 

I feel like that everyday, and it's been almost 6 weeks She has made contact, but only to confuse me so far.

[laguitarra]

it helps tremendously, thank you, you are right about wanting to break it early, even though i know i can't call him, i rack my brain for reasons(excuses) to call. You put things in perspective and black and white which is what i needed b/c my brain is just a jumbled up mess! thank you! i am going to try my best!

[Heretic]

Glad to hear it, everyone here is sure to help you along the way.

 

Feel free to PM me if you need anything else.

[Enn]

I think the rollercoaster is a really good analogy - there are big plunges at the start but it's a hell of a ride - before you know it you'll hit the most incredible peak...but you will still be too scared to look down!

 

I'm talking going into week 6 of NC, weeks one and two my coordination had all gone to pieces because I wasn't eating or sleeping. But now - weekends are worst, Christmas is a worry but honestly - the highs I'm experiencing are higher than anything I felt during the relationship. Totally liberating, and though I still have the odd low (out of habit more than anything I think) I'm expecting things to just get better and better.

[Prosper]

Hi Pal,

Yeah u are right, who need this sort of 'jerk' to be a friend? Lolx! Angry u might be, pissed off u sounds so, i dun see the point u need to hang on for a guy like this for a friendship.

 

I always see friendship as a sort of two hands HOLDING kind of companionship for rains and storms, and seeing this sort of UNHEALTHY relations i feel strongly, YES, thats a very bad investment!

 

However, Yes! I agree with Heretic. He made the point about challenge, which I strongly recommend u tread ur steps carefully. I got a ex of mine which took me as a challenge goal for a friendship after relationship breakup, things went very bad for the matter of fact that i find HE HAS NO SHOULDERS for me to cry on whenever i met up problems in life. To an extent, he gloat over my misery when i broke up with another guy and daringly ask me DO I SEE THE CHANCE OF WE BEING TOGETHER? seemingly he is pretty pervertly interested in rebound relationship. Btw, he patched back with his ex, and quite shakey relationship. HAHAHA!

 

Well, jerks are always meant to be shaken up lolx! just a reminder.

SO U shld take this challenge and mind u, do this which i recently had done. Since it is already form in his mindset u had the tendency to mention the PAST relationship, u DO the same thing also. U wan to call him, yes, leave him a message, like 'I HATE THE MENTION the past thou, i dun know whether shld i had rang u, can i ring u at ...(time)??' and that will be just fine. And i guarantee, he will ring u up instead and talk to u abt the past. Lolx! guys are very funny creatures u noe.

 

This is one such example, i recommend, observing his actions, and PRE-EMPT him as much as possible. I am sorry i am asking u to go for such a friendship, but i dun think currently there is anything u can balance up for such a bad friendship foundation that HE HAD BEGUN.

 

So pal, take it easy and an arm length apart, u can see him straight cut, wise as we may grow to be, we LEARNT we, ourselves are nebber meant to be HELL UP!

 

Good luck and most important HAVE FUN! (u are not ready for a friendship with him yet)

 

Thanks for reading..